Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
Can I just say how much I love this? I know you’re planning to rewrite it, so if you do then feel free to tag me and I’ll happily read and review version two! I can’t quite put my finger on why I like it so much, but I have the feeling it’s something to do with Elijah and the aliens. Your characters are never dull!
Maybe it’s just me, but I smirked a little at this name. Unless you want all kinds of dirty connotations to build up in your readers’ minds, I’d suggest changing the name.
Hmm, would “away from the TV” sound better? Just a thought.
So he goes from needing a stiff drink to an ice water? I understand that he might be starting to have a headache, but to be honest I thought he was going to the bar in search of the stiff drink. Maybe I missed something. I’m not sure.
OK, I’m going to assume this new guy is Asian, but this read awkwardly. I think I get what you’re trying to say, but maybe rephrase this? I don’t really associate China with snow, so I just got confused. Depending on the guy’s appearance obviously, perhaps you could say the Mongolian wilderness, or something like that?
I love this sentence. If you rewrite, please keep it (unless you’re radically changing the story, of course)
I think there should be some emphasis on “I’m”. When writing in italics, the best way to emphasise a word is to write it normally – that is to say, without the italics.
Ooh. Is Elijah attracted to him? To be fair, I already started to ship them, but yeah. I get the impression there’s a spark of chemistry between them.
Like Songmorning said, I had a negative emotional reaction to this, but I found this good! It really showed me what Elijah thought of his mother.
I was right about Elijah. Methinks he’s one of those slightly pretentious types.
Yassss! I knew it! Erm, but what about Luke though? Isn’t Luke Elijah’s boyfriend? Poor Luke. Unless Elijah’s got some ulterior motive. Ooh, maybe he suspects that Dev’s an alien…
Why “dark hair”? I believe you said something about how most of the bar’s regulars were white. Unless you’re trying to hint that this guy isn’t, I wouldn’t bother mentioning the dark hair at all. But again, there’s a chance I may have missed something. No matter how thoroughly I read things, I’m always paranoid that I’ve overlooked the obvious…
Anyway, I hope this review was helpful, and I’d love to read more Elijah!
Hah, I loved when Elijah was paranoid for an instant that Morgan was an alien too. It really shows how tense he is after that incident. I like the bar too. Do they have loud music continually playing in the background too? That might be a detail to add, it might not. You have plenty of details as it is, of course.
Ooh, Dev. I like Dev too. I'm very intrigued by him and expecting many surprises from him. Of course, I can't guess what they are. You have some excellent characters.
When I saw the phrase "spouting bullshit" used to refer to Elijah's mom, I had a negative emotional reaction. I don't know if you meant to make your readers feel uncomfortable, or if they're supposed to laugh. Maybe it's just me. When I read that, I just felt like Elijah really didn't respect his mom. If he doesn't, and you're trying to imply that, then it's okay. Otherwise, you'll have to make the call.
I did, however, like the feeling of time-lapse that happened when Elijah spaced out, thinking about the Little League. "The guy next to him was gone..." I've had that feeling countless times: the feeling of spacing out so much that when someone gets your attention, things have changed slightly, and it takes a moment to re-orient.
" "And who's to say he doesn't want to pierce his nose? You should let him make his own choices," Elijah tsked in his best impression of his high school guidance counselor. A dreadful moment passed, but Dev covered a laugh, and he relaxed." I know that kind of awkwardness too! I can just feel it! You do a good job of getting in touch with your readers' experience--I can relate to these feelings. It's especially good to have that in a story with such an out-there topic as aliens. You almost make me feel like MY librarian could be an alien.
Date.
That was unexpected. I stopped, and blinked, and read it again. Definitely caught me by surprise. In fact, "Every synapse in Elijah's head screeched to a halt" described my reaction pretty well too. I don't know, though. It makes me uneasy: I might be willing to put my money on Dev being an alien too. Perhaps on the side against PI. It's just his frozen smile and whatnot that make me unsure.
"...brought a smile to his face, one that nearly forgot about..." The smile nearly forgot about those things? Rephrase, please.
All in all, I enjoyed this chapter too! Keep writing!