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140,235 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Yo, Anci~ So I read this a while ago and thought I'd drop by to see if I could catch an update; I was surprised to see that this hasn't received more reviews yet! I've really enjoyed reading this so far--not just because I'm a sucker for historical fiction, but because your prose is so deliciously serene.
I don't have many nitpicks, (in fact, currently, I have none, but I shall definitely scrounge for them) but I feel as if the opening paragraph reads in a kind of ... forced ... manner. It makes sense in a way, because Cassander is obviously awkward about writing the letter; and it shows in the phrasings of words and such. But the thing is, it reads pretty disjointedly, and I was forced to dissect the letter again before I could move on. I'm not sure it's a super-strong opening; it was calm, level, and established atmosphere, which totes works for me. Just--the phrasing!
~ Opener: ('I am afraid I must decline...') So far so good. It is polite but firm; I like this, Anc. I like it a lot. Perhaps you might consider actually inserting said uncle's name in the letter? This is just a suggestion, o' course.
~ Sentence Dos: I don't really understand your usage of the word 'perilous'. It seems out of context here, mostly because 'perilous' means hazardous/something which involves grave risk, etc., and I'm not really seeing what's so perilous in Cass leaving the Manor, honestly. I think you could have used a better word here and/or phrased this better. The formal tone with which the letter begins also spirals towards less-formal, which is horribly nitpicky of me, but yeah. Maybe try something like: 'In light of the present situation, I have decided to remain with my family for the time being; I must be here for them'/something else. I'm sure you can cook up something more suitable than my cheesy try.
Besides that, the comma before 'and' bothers me in numerous ways. Please get rid of it.
[I was a bit hesitant to point out your word-choice in the letter since Cass' contemplation in the following paras focuses mostly on that word and then leads to you laying some (extremely subtle <3) foundation. Maybe you could talk about Cass cutting that certain word out or something, if you want to keep it? I'd suggest some editing with this anyhows.]
Hawthorn Manor sounds so very familiar somehow; I feel as though it's cropped up in some other book before, but I'm not sure.
I also thought, initially, that Cass was a guy ... until I read about the lace cuffs. XD I can tell that she'll make an interesting character, though; you've fleshed out some of her surface traits in this one chapter and I'm intrigued. I also like the smooth, running commentary of Cass' family branches; I'll admit, I thought of the Sackville-Bagginses when you mentioned the J and L Dartons. Here's to hoping that they prove to be amusing later on in the novel~
The pacing was a little abrupt in the para where Cass's mother sneaks up on her. Also, the narrator mentions 'jumping out of her skin', so I'm kind of surprised that she states (as if she already expected this) that her mother stood behind her. She's also pretty calm for someone who's just been skin-jump-startled, which struck me as odd. Work on this. c:
Cass's mother talks about how she'll be safe with Lord Bastian. I'm wondering if the 'perilous' does indeed have a hidden meaning, but it's not very clear in the letter itself and only confused me, which is why I shall stick to my suggestion of cutting it out.
This did very well for an introductory chapter. You have yummy prose, Anc. I could gush about it all day, but that wouldn't be very helpful. As it is, I hope I can be of more help in the next chapters; I also look forward to seeing more character interaction/development, mostly because Lord Bastian and Cass'/Cass' family's relationship is quite a blur at the moment. I'm assuming her family is in some sort of financial strait(s?), but am wondering how the implied danger fits into all of this as well as what Bastian's role is (besides the tutelage thing).
Keep me updated. Hope this helped perhapsalittle~
~Pomp
Arkhaion, your work is impressive. Excellent job! The style and passion of your piece is impressive, and I'm in enjoyment at the amount of work you have put into developing your characters and their attributes. I am fascinated with this "Lord Bastian" and his intentions, seeing as this man wishes to teach Cassander the game of appearances. The narrator's mother is harsh, that's for sure. O_O. The dialogue is excellent, witty, and thoughtful, and delves deep into the typical language of a time previous. I feel bad for Cassander - his mother is brutal, harsh, and doesn't provide him much love. What I find most captivating of all is the uncle's death, and the sudden shift in nature the already chaotic family has taken. Nobody seems to be particularly affected by the uncle's death, considering how the narrator looked only to the sea. This is a good inclusion of the narrator's feelings, Arkhaion, for it helps shows his emotions about what is going on around him and what he truly cares for. Nonetheless, Cassander's mother seems....nervous. She acts as though Cassander's life is in danger by staying at the place, which leaves me to wonder what is really going on. The story has so much unexplored, and I'm super eager to see what happens next! Who is this Lord Bastian? What is the family's reputation? What happened to Cassander's father? Why are they taking such lengths in this establishment? Really, Arkhion, I'm impressed by your witty, complex story. It is a wonderful combination of details, action, and a fascinating plot that leaves me eager for more, and you are an amazing writer to be able to evoke such emotions from your audience. Great job! I look forward to seeing what you contribute next towards.
Thank you very much for your review; your feedback is appreciated, especially on the subject of characterization. I hope to update this novel about once a month or so until I finish my other main work in progress (Balance), but the chapters are shorter, so I may update more frequently.
10/10
So worth the read Anc <3
I wanted to review this, but I haven't reviewed in a long time and I don't want to get bashed like the previous reviewer, I'll avoid this work.
The previous reviewer didn't give me legitimate feedback. So long as you give me feedback, I don't "bash" anyone.
that depends on your mood. If I write a sincere, long review and you don't like it, you shall still bash me. What's the point of my review then?
No, I wouldn't. You aren't understanding me -- I hate useless reviews that give me nothing to improve upon and no critique to speak of. If you gave me anything at all to work with, I wouldn't "bash" you.
I don't really care, review it or not.
That last sentence explains it all. "I don't really care about reviews."
That's not what I said.
"I don't really care, review it or not." Shows you are not bothered about reviews. Why do you post it here if opinions are not allowed?
I meant that I don't care if you review it or not because you're obviously so staunchly stuck in your beliefs that I am "bashing" reviewers that you would probably give me a biased review in any case.
Also, I post on YWS for critique, not baseless opinions. Critique, you see, has literary value and can be backed up by examples in the text.
Thank you for your time and effort on this topic, but I'm afraid that I will not continue this discussion.
Pseudo intellectuals desperately trying to insult 'baseless opinions.' Calling an opinion baseless, useless, worthless shows who is "staunchly stuck in beliefs." I won't review it at all because all you want is 10/10 score like the one above me gave. Thanks!
This is very interesting. I hope the story goes in a direction which aims to be truthful and spits at cliche. You could have a story about education and empowerment while highlighting the sometimes egotistic self fight (a story such as This Side of Paradise by F. Scott. Fitzgerald.) On the other hand, this story could embrace cliche and the shallow conceptions about this time period and have some happily ever after fake sounding romance.
I hope you realize what shame it would be to have this writing not be one of importance while you are writing further.
This gives me no insight to my issues with this piece whatsoever. Thank you, but please refrain from giving me such useless reviews again.
Would you rather have me review it as a meaningless essay and highlight all of your grammar mistakes or something of the sort? I know I am new here and just starting to write reviews but, I thought reviewing it as art and expressing to you the feeling it gave me was the right way to go about this. That was the question about the story I had. It seems to have direction and has much potential. I also then gave you a way in which I hoped the storyline would turn to make it one of sophistication. Im sorry if you don't value your art as art and would rather have me reviewing a tangible element of the story.
I would rather you give me a review that's topical on the flow, characterization, etc. of my story, and actually functions as a literary critique. Just telling me "how" I should write my story in the future is not useful as criticism.