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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
So, chapter 3.2!
This was a good follow-up to chapter 3.1, so kudos to you for that. I really loved the concept of someone (the youth) being addicted to magic, it's original and interesting, so I think you've got an awesome idea there. And while (probably due to my atrocious attention span) I still get confused with your world from time to time, it's definitely an intriguing one. An overall good job, basically.
Right, I do want to quickly mention what I've mentioned a few times in several reviews, which is the monotonous thing. I have to say that it's not a lot better than it was when I read your first chapter, so awesome job for that. I do still think you struggle with it a bit. For example, a place where shorter sentences and just generally more sentence manipulation would've worked is when the magic-thirsty youth appeared and got all freaky. I honestly think all you need to do is throw in a few short sentences and it'll work a charm. I have critiqued this before though, so I won't ramble. Just don't be afraid to play around with things, y'know?
Speaking of the scene with the youth... yo dawg, why she so aggressive? In all seriousness, I'm a bit confused to as of why she reacted like that to Jazai? I read over it again because I'd assumed I'd missed something obvious, but I'm still not sure... Did she want Jazai just to let Minghze (that's her name, right?) die? I don't quite get it. Then she suddenly became all apologetic when she cut Jazai, yet moments ago she was being all threatening and seemed more than happy to cause her harm. I don't know, maybe this is just me being an absolute idiot, but I don't understand what was going on there exactly.
Also, what are the riots about? Are they just a regular thing in Sai Thi? I get that what they're about is a little irrelevant if they're just a common thing, and if this specific riot doesn't have much to do with the overall plot, but if this riot is important I feel like the meaning of it should be clearer. I mean, is Jazai really that uninterested in them? They were chanting about killing someone, wouldn't the nosy person inside cer at least seem the tiniest bit curious? As it stands it seems like she'd be more interest in dust than the riots. I don't know, just seems odd to me.
The final critique I have for you is regarding the plot. I know it's only the third chapter so we're not miles in or anything, but I still can't see a specific plot here yet. I'm not saying I want one clear, direct plot this story is going to follow, but I'd quite like some sense of direction. I mean earlier it seemed to be all about Jazai's job, but now it's a lot more focused on more personal stuff. I'm not saying you can't have both, of course, but I don't know... Part of me wants something pretty big to happen and for us readers to be like BAM, now that's where this is going. I have faith that the plot will become more focused soon, but just bear that in mind.
Critiques and all my whining aside, I think this was a solid chapter. As I said in my review of the first half of this chapter, I'd have to say it's my favourite. I've really enjoyed learning more about Jazai outside of cer job, and I'm finding this world you've created to be really interesting. With a few tweaks here and there, you really have a great thing coming alone here.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Okay, to cover your points one by one (and these will be clarified in-text xD and in the not-too-distant future, thank goodness).
The youth, Saraan, was raised by the Temple of the Moon, known for their strict ascetic lifestyles; she's serving two years in a foreign place from her homeland, having just finished the first year, and she's slipping. She slipped first with magic -- obviously, since she's addicted to it -- but basically, she's going overboard with every other aspect of her temple service to make up for not being good about the whole "material things aren't important" lifestyle.
One of the main texts for her temple is "do not let others suffer", which she takes to mean that death would be better than life if the suffering would be constant, rather than taking it to mean "I should fix the suffering". It's really a major flaw for her -- but she also believes that if she hurts someone unintentionally, she does owe them, because she's caused temporary suffering and gone against the word of her temple.
As far as the riots go -- they are a fairly common thing in Sai Thi, and the people will riot for basically anything, especially downriver. This comes to light in a few chapters after a major, city-wide event happens. This riot in particular is of small importance, and it really does just act as cover for Jazai. (However, it may or may not have been instigated by a certain Daughter of the Moon... haha.)
The full, solid plot will be revealed sometime in the next three chapters. Cross my heart and hope to die. There's no single huge, major event that causes it -- it's definitely a slower lead-in -- but it is definitely influenced to act faster by the major city-wide event I mentioned.
Well, the next chapter is a bit more characterization and a bit more Jazai in cer job, so we'll see where that goes. Thank you for your review!
Ah okay, I understand Saraan now. What I will still say though is that while obviously you clarifying it in this reply, you need to explain this stuff int he actual novel because if this was published, readers ain't going to have you there to explain to them, y'know? Obviously avoid info-dumps at all costs, but just keep that in mind!
That's totally fine, you don't necessarily need one major explosive event, I just want a clearer idea of where things are going. You have enough time to do that though :3
Awesome, I look forward to it!
Oh yeah, it's all going to be clarified in-text. Moooost definitely.
If ce could have avoided Madame Fangwei for the rest of cer life, ce would've dealt with her too much. Ce gripped the edge of the bed and leaned over the girl, sending a small wave of power through her to pull the poison rot to the surface.
I saw "cer" throughout this story, what does it mean? It's confusing. I think it's somebody's name but in the sentence twice you put the name/whatever it is in lowercase. This is too confusing for most people and maybe even too descriptive, so people might loose interest. I kept asking myself questions as I read this: What is latrine? What is a brothel? What is "slum"?
I couldn't make much sense of the plot, it might just be me not understanding it at all, though. Some people are lazy and don't want to delve into the plot if they don't understand it from the start/words that they don't know. I enjoy how it's descriptive, but some people don't care if it may turn out to be a good story or not if they don't understand the words-even I lost a little interest. When you kept putting "cer" in there it made me really confused.
"Just… Treat it like a thunderstorm, Biang,"
"Treat" wouldn't be capitalized.
"Why do you have to go, 'Zai?"
I think you didn't mean to put a ' there (I forgot the name.. lol)
Hi!
So, you might've noticed that "cer" is in the same place that "he" or "she" would normally show up. That means it's a pronoun! It's not a normative one, but it's very much grammatically correct. Some people are not "men" or "women" (known as non binary people) and as a result don't use pronouns such as "he" or "she". While it might be a little confusing, representation for non binary people is really important because they're such an unknown group!
As for other words you've pointed out, those are slightly older versions of words that are in a certain amount of use. Lantrine is a toilet, brothel is... hard to explain while remaining family friendly, and slum is the lower class part of town. These words are actually really common in fantasy because they were used more in medieval times and give a sense that the world's not Earth, and a lot of the words we use weren't actually invented at the time.
If you're confused about words, feel free to look at context for hints. I don't always know what words mean, but I can usually guess some idea of what it means. With how fantasy uses a lot terms that are either made up or archaic, this is a really useful skills.
All in all, some people won't enjoy the pronouns and word use, but a lot of people will! You can't make everybody happy, and some choices (such as representation of a very under represented group) will make some people turn away but will make others really happy. And, all in all, wouldn't you rather everybody have some stories they can see themselves in? ^^