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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi there! I'm back after a rather long hiatus from reading and reviewing!
,
I really love your description of action in the beginning and also the pacing and sense tension as Jazai traveled to Narantse's house. By the way, the names you've chosen for all of you characters are really cool- I love them! And I'm curious as to your sources because I always have trouble finding the right names
Anyway, there wasn't a lot that happened in this part, but it still keeps my interest and draws me on to the next part. I would have liked to see a little more development in this, but since it's only a part of the chapter, it works as it is.
I feel like I haven't given any useful critique, and I apologize for that. I like your story a lot as it is and I would make any drastic changes to it at all. So keep on writing!
Until the next review
-LittleFox
Hey there!
Trust me, it's always nice to hear substantiated good things about your work. It's awesome to get full critiques, but rarely do I get anything but "omg this is awesome"%u2014and when I ask "how is it awesome?" I don't get a response.
To answer your questions on the names: Jazai and Atheera (the first two characters) I kind of pulled out of thin air. I gave Atheera the title Dasharaja, which I later found actually means something in Sanskrit ("ten kingdoms"). Paridhya actually comes from the name of one of my old friends, mostly because I miss her, who's named Paridhi; Vasrali somewhat roughly means something like "west wind", if I recall correctly. Narantse is a variant of Narantsetseg, a Mongolian name meaning "sun-flower", and for the rest I went off the sounds involved in the Chinese language. I think I got better at pulling names out of thin air as I went on (I'm still trying to rename the city for when I pick this back up; Sai Thi sounds more Thai than Chinese).
Again, thank you!
Hello Arkhaion,
Myjaspercat here for your review
Before I start I just want to say I coming in with a fresh mind since I haven't read anything of the parts before this. If I get something wrong or confused that had been explained in earlier parts then please pardon me. Anyways, onward....
1.) "Jazai's feet touched the ground, and ce ran. The book inside cer wrap jacket pounded against cer ribs—cer heart leapt into cer throat and hammered against the burn from the inside out. Ce rounded a corner and swore loudly as ce nearly slammed into a pair of priests in bright sun robes."
----A couple things here:
a.) I think you may have had a typo through out this piece by saying "cer" and "ce" instead of (she/her). Am I right or did you do it on purpose? Either way it makes it kind of difficult to read this piece. I am also assuming it is a girl because the name sounds rather girlish.
b.) This is only 3 sentences; because of this I can't really call it a paragraph. However the second sentence is long enough to cut it into two different sentences. (Basically I am saying you have a run on sentence.)
2.) "Shouting, behind cer, morphed into a different language."
----Simple, this line just doesn't make much sense.
3.) "Damn Southerners couldn't be bothered to double-check."
----Just re-word it to something like this; 'Those damn southerners just couldn't bother to double-check.'
4.) "The night air had an autumn bite to it mixed in with magic,"
----I like this, maybe you could play around with it a little more.
****
I am going to stop there, because as I mentioned in 1a, all of the "cer" and "ce" makes it hard to read. There is another thing that concerns me with this grammatical error and it is the question, is your character a girl or boy? "cer" makes it sound like "her" while "ce" makes it sound like "he" so when I tried to fix the words as I read I would get confused thinking at times it is boy or it is a girl. *Remember to proof read everything before you post it online. I know there are things that some people miss, but with the amount you have through this entire piece there isn't anyway you could have missed this.
Also your story lacked development. It was pretty much telling which I assume as a writer you should know, but if not I will explain.
Basically it breaks down to:
"SHOWING is for making the reader feel they're in there: feel as in smell, touch, see, hear, believe the actual experience of the characters."
"TELLING is for covering the ground, when you need to, as a narrator (whether the narrator is a character, or an implied, external narrator in a third person narrative). It's supplying information: the storyteller saying "Once upon a time", or "A volunteer army was gathered together", or "The mountains were covered in fine, volcanic ash". So it's a little more removed from the immediate experience of the moment."
*Remember when you write you want your reader to feel as if they have been pulled into a whole different universe.
I don't think there is much else I could say other then this has great potential.
Good luck and Continue writing---Myjaspercat
Actually, the ce/cer/cerself pronoun set was entirely intentional, as Jazai is neither male nor female and is instead non-binary agender. I know it's unclear as it is, but you did come in at chapter 5, over 12k words into the novel.
Also, because you came in to chapter 5, you may not realize that some of the images and the story of the world have been set up in previous chapters. While your feedback on my showing vs. telling is appreciated, some of it also feeds into the fact that you have not read the rest of the novel.
Not to mention, paragraphs can be as short as one word and as long as the author wants them to be. It's a stylistic choice for me to have shorter paragraphs when something's going on, so the reader isn't bogged down in long paragraphs and forced to read through a wall of text.
Also, the sentence you pointed out as a "run on" is in fact perfectly grammatically correct. Feel free to parse it; I proofread everything I post, and I can assure you that the grammar is correct.
Thank you for your review.
I understand your points but I still think that this needs work, and what I told you in my review will help. Sorry to be rude, but if you want to make an excuse for what I have pointed out so be it, it's your writing your harming not mine. (again sorry if I am rude.)
I'm not "making excuses", I'm pointing out that I have reasons for what I've done and your critique isn't as useful as you think it is. If you think I'm "harming" my writing, please quantify how any of your critique still applies to my chapter, especially since my style of showing and telling is directly related to the style I've adopted for this novel.
So I haven't read any of your parts before this, so keep that in mind as I review!
lol, so good job there too!
I just wanna start by saying this is a very interesting and action-packed piece you got here! I really like all your characters, and they seem like they could be real life people, which is good.
Your dialogue is meaningful! Like, you don't say anything that doesn't really need to be said, which is a hard thing to do! I always end up blabbering about something random
And your word choice is really vast!
Overall, nice work on this.
Just one little nitpick: "Jazai's feet touched the ground, and ce ran. The book inside cer wrap jacket pounded against cer ribs—cer heart leapt into cer throat and hammered against the burn from the inside out. Ce rounded a corner and swore loudly as ce nearly slammed into a pair of priests in bright sun robes."
I'm not sure if I'm reading this wrong - somehow - but aren't "cer" and "ce" supposed to be "her" and "she"? That's something that really caught me off guard and got me really confused.
But I like it!! I want to read more of what you've got now
Happy writing!!