-text removed-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey,
Whats up? Cool, same thing here. I'm cross dressing today so there's that. Otherwise it's been a pretty uneventful day. I really enjoyed your story however, it was well written and chances are I'll be reviewing future chapters of this because of the potential I believe it/you has. Onto my nitpick list!
There's a chance I'm missing something here but the "ce" really confuses me. Did you mean she by chance?
Well that was a short list, you did a really nice job on everything so I haven't a lot to review. Honestly I'm sad it's been just sitting in the green room for so long. I hate that story's sit in here just because their long. It really bothers me, I'm gonna stop now before I start ranting. Anyway great story I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hey af!
Ok, so I saw this in the green room and thought, lemme see this even if I haven't been following the novel and just give some of my general thoughts. :3
One of the first things I noticed were that some of the names had Indian/Persian hints and I was wondering if that was specific to saying these people are from one region in your novel? Like some of the other names are decidedly different, so! Also, yeah, I thought Atheera was female until you showed me pronouns
"You really think one of their mages would have the discipline for anything else?" His sister shook her head, and her hair went flying around her face, rogue curls popping up at the edges.
--> At the way you're building up the scene, this reaction seems a little too forceful and like out of the context of their tones, and struck me as a bit odd
"Fear of the mage? Or are you fond of me again, Dasharaj?" Her eyes lit up with contained laughter, and she swept her hand in a grand gesture towards the rest of the hall. "Why, when you have all this splendor?" The silver band molded around her forearm caught the light of the lanterns, and Atheera was reminded again that he had no governing power over her.
-->hmm Dasharaj? I am a bit confused as to who is being referred to?
The one thing I like is how 'structured' your description is. In the sense, it seems like you have a solid hold on how much you want the readers to see an dhow much you want them to explore. It's pretty cool, that way.
Plus, it seems like tea maybe an important cultural aspect of your world, which is pretty awesome, because yay tea!
It's an interesting snippet - and I like your characters, I hope to read more of this.
Cheers,
Lava
Hey, thanks for the review! (I'm sorry it took me a while to respond, too.)
As for the names: Yeah, it's kind of sort of pseudo-analogous to modern geography and language. Atheera and Paridhya are from the world's equivalent of northern/central India, Vasrali is from the equivalent of western India, Feredon would be from the equivalent of Persia, and so on. The reason I was actually concerned with this is because the place they're in is roughly analogous to Song Dynasty China, considering they're on a diplomatic trip.
If you read previous parts, "Dasharaj" might have been explained a little more -- it's one of Atheera's official titles, and the one he most commonly goes by (not that people address him by it much in all seriousness). Just a smaller thing that clears things up.
Thanks very much for your feedback!