Hey, Anci! This is a The Big Review review~
Disclaimer: this is also a phone review; don't step on the typos. I'm going to try to keep this short.
I like your first sentence. It's very edgy and does great things for the atmosphere. It also A) managed to grip me; B) established setting and scene; and C) allowed me to acquaint myself with the narrative voice. I remember the actual first chapter, which was historical fiction, and although I've forgotten a great deal with regards to the original, I still caught whiffs of it in places. The dead uncle, Hawthorn, the general dreary air.... But the voice is much stronger here; it's not hesitant, and I like that.
That said, I'm not the biggest fan of your second paragraph. It's a bit too vague for my taste and doesn't paint as clear a scene as the first two sentences. I'm not asking for in-depth descriptionz, but speaking as someone who isn't very familiar with funerals in the west, I found it slightly odd when the narrator says 'mother began to speak'. It's somewhat flippant, but it's bordering on an ambiguous flippancy. I'd like some grit on this--perhaps some detail? You could really take advantage of this first person narration thing, y'know, by employing a little more internal dialogue. I'd really like a better grip on Cass' feelings and internal reactions to their surroundings.
I'm also keen to know more of Cass' relationship with their family, and also their reaction to the family + the mourning before they disengaged themselves from everyone else. I feel like there's more of a reason for Cass walking away from the crowd besides the fact that they thought it would be futile for them to stand around and listen to the eulogies/saw the kids on their own. Wouldn't it be considered rude for them to leave, just as their mum began her speech? Or did they actually use the kids as an excuse? I'm wondering if all the people (whom I'm assuming Cass doesn't know all that well) would be miffed at their leaving when they did, and if their actions had any consequences/repercussions. They don't seem too close.
Maybe I'm looking too much into this. XD
Hm. Reading on, I see that Darian thanks Cass for looking after Jenna, so I'm inclined to think they did leave the rest of the party simply with the pretext of looking after the kids, and maybe it isn't really rude for anyone to skip out on the burial? Anywhoo, I'm sensing a lot of family conflict here, except it's hinted at and only becomes really apparent nearing the end. I like that you're not blatant with it, but I feel like there's something missing. I can't put my finger on it--maybe it's because the narrator doesn't know these people well, and there's a bit of backstory lacking. How often does Cass see these people, anyway? And how do they know Darian but are meeting Lily for the first time? They're giving off ''I-am-in-an-awkward-situation'' vibes, and I'd really like some backstory--in the form of internal dialogue--to be conveyed, just to add a little 'meh' to the foundation.
Did Cass know their uncle well? They're being comforted and seem to be affected by his passing away, so I'm wondering if they were closer to this uncle compared to the rest of the fam.
Quick nit-pick: ellipses.
We have lost a most beloved member of our family, and today we gather here to mourn him....
^Seeing as the sentence above is not trailing of, but is a complete sentence, you need a period after the ellipsis.
"A house...Aa plantation house," I remembered triumphantly ...
^Over here, the ellipsis is being used to indicate a pause, which means that you need a space before the ellipsis as well as after. 'A plantation house' is a continuation of the same sentence, which means the 'a' oughtn't to be capitalised. Normally, when an ellipsis indicates a pause, or fragmented speech, a space follows on either side--but you can also omit the spaces on both the sides to same effect.
Your characterisation is yummy. I love the subtle ways in which you build onto Cass and their mum's relationship. And Cass is so awkward and sweet and likeable--I'm already fond of them, and I'm looking forward to seeing how their character develops over the course of the story. (You are still writing this, right? Because I really am interested in knowing what happens next
The one thing I'm missing is the fantastical element of the story. BUT, Polyphemus' eye has been mentioned (the steering wheel) and I don't know if this is a red herring or just an exhibit of Cass' personal interest but askldfgh I'm holding onto that tidbit anyway.
I really can't tell where the second chapter will lead to, but I'm looking forward to Cass arriving at the plantation house ... and discovering what they actually mean to study there. Because if it's not exciting or totally unbelievable, why would they lie about it? XD
Keep me updated ifwhen you continue!
This has been an unhelpful review~
Cheers!
~Pomp
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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