Balance - Chapter 3.2

Hello there. It's been awhile since I've reviewed one of these chapters since I've been stressing over final exams, but now I'm back!

On to the review. This chapter was a little slower than the last few in my opinion, but it is still very good. Your writing style is very much your own and I love it. I also love this world you have created that seems to have a culture of it's very own. It's beautifully done.

Please keep up the good work!
-LittleFox

Hello. Let's kick this out of the green room, shall we?

Haven't read any previous parts. Just going off what I see here.

I'm torn on this one critique, because on the one hand, I love that you're using non normative pronouns. On the other hand, even though you're using them at exactly the same frequency as normative pronouns, the fact they're non normative leads to clumsiness. I'm all for forced normalcy, but I'm wondering if there's a bit of a line to walk— using the pronouns, but not using them at quite the same frequency as you would normative ones just so there aren't so many visible to trip over. The fact you're using them is fantastic, but I discovered with my own use of third person non normative pronouns that it's far less clumsy to read less of them. Even though they're technically not repetitive, they feel repetitive, and that's a fine line to walk.

I also felt like the tension of her friend vanishing wasn't as heart-wrenching as it could be. I found myself focusing on the world and the descriptions more than anything, and your writing feels very setting heavy. You're spending more time on the background information than on the characters, which is in part because your character is paying vast amounts of attention to the surroundings, but it also feels like you're trying to establish the world a little too strongly. I get the impulse, because this fantasy world is so rich and not European, but there is the line to walk. When you interrupt the action too much for a huge meditative pause on the setting, then I forget what the action was in the first place.

All in all, there are a lot of distracting things in this chapter that really take away from the depth of character you want to establish. I sort of get who's who (part of it is because I haven't had four parts previous to figure it out) but there's not a ton of actual relationship building in here. The character interactions, especially in set locations, almost read like excuses to comment on the setting and reveal worldbuilding nuances. If you're trying to set up a tense, emotionally explosive moment, stopping it every few paragraphs to show worldbuilding details that don't really add onto the character interactions and build emotions doesn't cut it. You came close with the god description; it felt weird, and it felt like ce wasn't expecting it there, ce felt uncomfortable with it there, but it didn't really add anything to the emotional setting of it.

Stripping this down to the essentials and removing a lot of the extra distractions (namely, the pronouns that can be cut without losing any clarity) would help tremendously.

Hope this helps. You know where to find me.

~Rosey

Okay not too bad for me I suppose. Nothing I can say now to improve. I can just telll you it is nice. And I know I am a bit young to be reading these things. I am just so sorry. Now, this story is really okay, should fit into any of the online books...iBooks, Kobo Books and all of the rest, for instance. I believe that is it for me I am down!!!

~~Tay01, Lover and Great Fan of an old film, Finding Nemo.

P.S. I like your story at the starting. It was a really great start of for chapter 3.2. The part where thescavenger took advantage.