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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi, Arkhaion! Wolfie here to review this splendid work.
The bit about the sewer fountain was an, er, interesting way to begin a novel and draw the reader in, but I guess interesting is good. I knew that this wasn't just going to be any old novel when I started reading.
This sentence wrapped up an absolutely gorgeous paragraph, I must say! Beautiful imagery and descriptions.
Keeping only one of the "something"s makes much more sense.
I'm not a fan of that verb when it comes to describing someone's fingers. Instead of trying to replace it with a new verb, why not just get rid of "Cer fingers stumbled" all together? It isn't all that necessary, after all.
What beads? Did ce step through one of those curtains made of beads? (Look at me, using "ce" like a pro.) Be sure to clarify. Later you mention beaded curtains, so I assume that that is what you mean, but at this point in the chapter it was confusing.
Who is this demon thing? Your description of them is excellence, but why are they waiting in the bed, disguised? The main character certainly seems to understand why they are there, or at least doesn't seem too surprised to find them, so maybe you should let the reader see into cer thoughts a little more.
When I first read through this chapter, the queer pronouns were a bit distracting (yes, I had to bring them up, too). I'm sure they were for you, too, when you first began writing this novel. They kind of took away from descriptions and imagery because I was so wrapped up in these new words. But as I continued reading, I actually got used to it, just as you probably have through the process of writing this book. It's a very unique element to add to a project like this, but somehow it fits. It fits Jazai's bizarre fantasy world, and more than anything, I credit you for coming up with your own pronouns to account for your genderless character, and sticking with it even though every reviewer below me freaked out because of them. xD The more I read of this book, I know that I'll only get more and more used to "cer" and "ce."
Because "cer" is so similar to "her," on the other hand, my mind is more inclined to think of Jazai as a female character. Guess that's just another thing I'll have to get used to.
Ark, your writing is nearly flawless. This chapter was filled with suspense and action, and you took advantage of longer sentences and other literary devices to keep your readers on their toes. I already like Jazai's character. The fact that ce and some of the children in the city are invisible to normal people like the servant boy (at least when they are in the shadows, right?) is really cool! Jazai is independent and clearly clever, but ce has to depend on this guy named Atheera and follow his orders. This shows that there seems to be so many interesting hierarchical systems, with the children in colorless clothes that drift through shadows, the mages that have powerful charms and guarded houses, and Jazai's negotiator, Atheera. With all these unanswered questions, I think you've set up a perfect first chapter.
Keep writing, Ark, because you're darn good at it!
Thanks very much for your review! As for the weird verbs, yeah, I tend to use those when I go "wait, how do I verb" xD And I didn't even notice that second "something" in the sentence you quoted, wow.
To be honest, I started writing this at a point where I wasn't quite sure what the plot of the novel was going to be -- this was my generic first chapter for "the story of whatever happens with Jazai and Atheera". When I went on to write chapter 2, the motivations for both of my characters became clearer to me, so I could probably rewrite chapter 1 and make it more relevant to the story if I wanted to at this point.
However, unfortunately, this is on hiatus at the moment. >> I'll probably go back to it sometime in the next few months, maybe if I go Rogue for Last Man Standing, but the idea as a whole just needs a rewrite. (I've been stuck on chapter 6 for 6 months. ugh.)
Thanks again for your feedback!
Hello there, LittleFox here to review!
I really like this story a lot already! The tone and wording are both wonderful; a little bit dark and mysterious. So it looks like I have found a new story to follow!
The pronouns were a little difficult for me since they were unfamiliar, but I think I could get used to them now that I know them.
Keep up the great work!
-LittleFox
So this is my first review in a while, I'll do my best to be thorough but not super nitpicky! ^_^
The word adult really isn't necessary in this sentence. It's obvious to the reader what you mean by freedom, adding adult only messes with your sentence flow.Okay, so your main character is non binary, as you said, but saying ce, cer, and cerself is too confusing. Do they identify as a gender, or identify as no gender while being neither gender? I feel like having them identify as one would be easier, but if you don't want that then it's fine, your book. However, you do need to find another way to approach pronouns. I keep reading cer as car and I get confused, this ce and cer stuff really slows down the reader's understanding. Also, physical descriptions would be really nice. Normally the reader knows the gender so they can create some sort of image for the MC, however nothing about the appearance of the MC is revealed.
I'm having a little bit of trouble imagining the setting. Like, you did describe it, but I feel your imagery was a little too vague for me to get a proper image the the MC's surroundings. It's the beginning so it's okay to add more about the setting, and through the setting you can express the mood of your chapter.
I'm not sure what the taste of freedom really serves to keeping the story moving. Also, what about it tasting like silver is important? The way this is phrased puts the spot light on the silvery taste of freedom, which right now doesn't seem like it's the route you want to go.
So, this is your world, everything here can be completely different than it can in other fantasy worlds. Even if the creatures are the same, that doesn't mean they share the same: powers, appearance, weaknesses, smells, etc. You are the master here, and the readers are like your students, learning about this world that you've created. You introduced your first supernatural creatures: the golems and the mannequins, but what do they look like? Are they heavy? Agile maybe? Are they made of anything special? I know that golems are generally made of earth, but in your world can they be made of any of the elements? Details like this fuel the reader's imagination and your's, so feel free to elaborate a bit! I'd love to know so much more about this world, but you need to add description or imagery in order for me to walk around in it.
What goddess is this? There never was any mentioned let alone what is she the goddess of? Also, who is Atheera? They're mentioned but it's not clear, to me at least, who they are.
This paragraph doesn't really have a consistent tone to it and it's not exactly realistic. The house is about to collapse and Jazai is thinking about how the guards are annoying and she'll have to avoid Lady's Square. It's just not realistic at all.
Your action scene was slightly muddled, it wasn't as clear as it could or should have been. Perhaps read through that part and spend a little more time making sure important details aren't left out. Maybe even drawing it out (even in stick figures if you're like me) would be helpful. It just didn't come across clearly to me.
Anyways, as you can see, I didn't write all that much. Your flow was pretty good, although there were some minor issues at times. The plot is off to a good start and you've interested me in this world. However, do be wary about name dumping, even with places, it tends to happen a lot to fantasy writers so try and mention places sparingly. If any of this doesn't make sense, well, that would make sense because it's midnight and I'm really tired XD Feel free to ask me for clarification or help if this doesn't make sense to you. I'll hopefully read the other chapters another time, but no promises since I'm fairly forgetful. The best of luck with this book! An interesting idea and good title XD
Sushi
To be more specific about Jazai's gender, ce identifies as agender -- that is, ce is literally genderless.
The action scene being a little muddled was purposeful, because action in real life is hardly ever spelled out so clearly as it is in fiction, and the setting and character not being described was also mostly purposeful, considering I'm hoping to create an image of it all through cultural references.
Also, Atheera and the Goddess -- Jazai's religious figure -- become more obvious in the next chapter.
Do you want me to tag you in any updates?
Just wondering, is ce the official term? I've never heard that or thought about what you would call someone if they are genderless and if you didn't know their name. And that's good that it's made evident later. I'll probably get some more reading done tonight, so then I'll just give you my thoughts or whatever and less technical things. Your story really did have me intrigued, enough to keep me up so late, so updates would be good. I'll probably be slow getting to them though %uD83D%uDE25
"Ce" is not the official term -- it's a pronoun that I made up for the world. Generally, if you don't know someone's gender or pronouns, you can just ask!
Hm, there has to be some way to tell the readers that though. Like, you can't exactly tell the readers that Jazai is non binary and then explain that, but maybe through dialogue or thought you could drop hints as to the fact ce doesn't identify as either. Purely story-wise, I feel like it needs a bit of a better explanation that's probably also more subtle so you aren't just telling the readers and instead you show them.
Well, as far as this goes, this is the first chapter. There is, as with the Atheera thing, a better explanation of sorts in the second chapter -- where ce runs into someone who is bigender (as opposed to cer being agender) and uses "they/their/themself" as their pronoun set.
In general, I do plan on there being an "explanation" throughout the book. Being bigender and agender is almost completely linked to the person's cultural identity, because that's so embroiled in everyday life -- that is, people who identify more with one "face", or aspect, of the Eight-Fold Goddess are more likely to be agender, while people who identify more with another "face" may be more likely to be bigender. People who identify evenly with all the faces are more likely to be binary trans (male-to-female or female-to-male) or cisgender.
Whoa O_O I feel like you just opened a gate to a whole other world :O So these goddesses are the ones in your book right? (Just need to be sure)
Haha, yes! The Eight-Fold Goddess is actually just one goddess, with eight aspects, all with their separate names and personalities. She also has an innumerable amount of priests within the city alone, being the focus of the major religion, and religion is one of those things Jazai is trying to balance with cer hesitance about magic and disgust about mages.
If it never does in this novel, I'll probably write a side story for it.
I could spoil the whole backstory for you, but I plan on it coming out in time
OMG side stories are so fun! Not to write, I've never written one myself, but they're fun to read
Hey there, Firefly here for a review! I saw you post the fourth chapter and figured I should start from the beginning, and man am I glad I did!
You have a very immersing story, quite honestly one of the best ones I've read on here. It's original, with likeable characters and just enough mystery to compel me to read on!
I'm going to have to echo the others here in saying that your pronouns were confusing at first, but after awhile my mind just got used to them. I've been substituting "he" for "ce" and "her" for "cer," which I'm assuming is partly your intention by introducing your MC's ambiguity in regards to gender.
Your use of description is impeccable, however in some areas (like above) you tend to jump from one scene to the next, and that can be a bit unsettling. Try to smoothen the transitions by separating Jazai's thoughts from the action. Example:
"On second thought, ce didn't know why ce expected a mage would leave their home unguarded.
Standing across the room from cer, a golem..."
By breaking up Jazai's thoughts/feelings from the action around cer, the transition from Jazai climbing in through the window to cer being assaulted by the mage's defenses reads a bit easier.
Also, be sure to separate dialogue from action. There's a lot going on word-wise in these three sentences that can be smoothed out with dissection and thus make it easier on the eyes. Again, it all comes back to transition and flow.
Aside from those little nitpicks, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and will definitely read more! Keep it up!
P.S., Forgive me for any typos. I'm writing from a tablet and the keyboard feature is all outta whack. XD
Wow! Now that wat i call a good story. It was like i was in the story myself, you have a gift of writing and i really really like it.
How did you come up wit a good story line and the people in the story? I mean it was crazy good, i cant get over how good it was and how u made Ce as a person wit love and goodness its like that person was talking to me and i felt their sprit their life as my own it was so good.
All i have to say is dont worry about what other people think of this, there will be people out there that will love this story and more just know if u have a dream of writing like me and dont have people beliving in you, then i do.
Keep your head up high and reach for the stars because anybody can be who they are and this story by far the best work i have seen on here since i join today.
Hey there! I was craving to write a review and browsing through the 'books' tab when I came across the second chapter of this novel, and it looked cool so I figured I'd start from the beginning. This genre isn't really my forte, but I'll give it a shot anywho.
Right, well overall I surprisingly enjoyed this! I wasn't sure what I'd make of it, but I'm impressed. Some of your descriptive writing is beautiful, and I myself possess the descriptive writing skills of a deformed donkey, so I'm a little envious. Your MC (main character) seems interesting, and I read over previous reviews so totally understand the 'ce' and 'cer' thing. I think that's a really cool idea too, by the way, having a main character who's a third-gender person. I'd love to find out more about your MC as a whole, from what lead cer to the job ce has, to a deeper explanation of cer gender, perhaps. So yeah, overall a good job, methinks. Well done!
As for critiques, I do want to mention something regarding the 'ce' and 'cer' pronouns. While I like the whole third-gender thing, I did keep envisioning your MC as a girl... I think it was because of the pronouns you chose. I mean, 'cer' sounds like 'her' and 'ce' could easily be 'she'. This isn't a major issue and it could just be me, but maybe you could consider using different pronouns? Ones without letters that could be associated with either gender? Plus maybe without 'c' because it can be read as an 's' sound, thus my association with 'she'. Again, this could just be a me issue, though.
I'm assuming this is meant to be set back in medieval times? Or something similar anyway, my knowledge on history is absolutely appalling. Either that or some parallel world, right? As a whole I think you stuck to this setting well, but there was the odd thing you'd written that came across as a little too modern for the intended time period. Off the top of my head, I remember your MC referring to cerself as an idiot. As previously stated, I know barely anything about history, but it didn't really sound right to me. 'Idiot' doesn't really seem like a term that would've been used when this story was set, so just bear that in mind.
Something else I'd like to bring up is that while I love this new world you've introduced us to, at the moment I am a little confused by some of it. I find this a lot in fantasy stories. I think writers tend to write with their made-up world clear in their mind, and they sometimes forget that their readers have never heard of the world before. As a result, the writer can dive head-first into the world without giving much background about it, and sometimes make it a little confusing for readers. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a massive paragraph explaining every single thing about this world and how it works, but just the odd thing here and there to avoid too much confusion. For example, at one point I remember your MC using beads or something to defeat a golem. What was so special about those beads?
There's just one more thing I'd like to bring up, and then I think I'm done! This is a slight personal preference thing, really, but I couldn't help get the feeling that this piece was a little monotonous throughout. I think the primary reason for this was sentence structure. You don't really tend to vary your sentences in terms of wording and length. The issue this can cause is that wording and length controls a lot of the sentence's mood, and so if these aspects aren't varied much then you maintain the same mood throughout an entire piece. This can result in the piece becoming a little boring (and monotonous). My suggestion would be to include some shorter sentences, primarily where something exciting, fast-paced, tense e.t.c. is happening.
Oh, there is one more tiny nit-pick:
I'm probably missing something here (with me having the attention span and intelligence of a goldfish), but this seems really dumb on your MC's part. I mean, surely common sense would tell cer to just kill him then and there. Ce kind of screws everything up with her witty one-liner. I mean, things could've still fallen apart if she hadn't said that, granted, but still... But yeah, like I said, I'm 80% certain this is just me being an idiot, so if it is, plz ignore me.
Right then, all my whining aside, I think you're a very skilled writer whose story is brimming with awesomeness potential. You've no idea how great it is that I enjoyed this because I generally avoid this kind of genre because it doesn't interest me. Your MC is engaging, as is your world (even if I was a little confused by it), so I'm intrigued to find out more about your novel. I'll definitely read on and review the rest of the chapters you have posted, methinks!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
First of all -- I can't really in good conscience change the pronouns, not only because I'm already four chapters in on how I'm working with it and I'm so used to using the ce/cer/cerself set. However, I do think that how the reader envisions Jazai is up to them, so I don't really care, as long as they don't blatantly say something like the lines of "but as far as Jazai goes, -she-" etc. etc.
I will say that I haven't written extended prose in a while, so the tip about my sentence length is much appreciated.
The world is actually based approximately on Song dynasty China, with the Southern Empire being based approximately off the same era in India and Southeast Asia. In China, charms are used extensively to ensure everything and ward off evil, and Jazai's charms are important to cer -- ce has a couple of enchanted cords with destruction charms on it, which are explained in a little more detail in this line --- "If Jazai knew anything about mages, every one of the screens had a destruction charm at the back. Setting one off by breaking the paper would activate the rest, and anyone caught in the middle would be ripped into dust." --- and said charms are activated later and do just that.
As far as the world goes, this IS the first chapter. The world gets set up throughout the duration of the story, and I didn't feel the need to infodump on the world when I wanted to get the reader interested in the story to begin with.
I'm glad you liked it, though! Thank you so much for the review~!
Yeah, that's fair enough. It was only a suggestion anywho, and I'm sure I'll get used to the pronouns before long!
Thanks for clearing up some details on this fantasy world, too. It's like I said in the review, I don't want an info-dump because that would be awful! Just make sure to make things as clear as possible when you are writing, definitely in the first few chapters where your readers are still pretty clueless.
I'm reading the next chapter now anywho, so you may receive another review soon!
Hey, Ancient
I'm kind of tired so I'm just going to jump right into the review. I don't like doing grammar or punctuation because I'm bad at it myself so I'll just tell you what I enjoyed and didn't enjoy about the first chapter. The first paragraph that you had is interesting. It's very blunt and very out there. The line, "They would bathe and clean with shit, but they drew the line at drinking anything a mage hadn't dipped a filthy hand in" made me wrinkle my nose with disgust. I'm very confused as to what is going on now, other then being in a city that's kind of gross?
There is also a line in the second paragraph that reads off to me, "Jazai shifted on cer perch" and I'm assuming it's probably just a keyboard fluke, because we all know everyone's fingers go weird when they're typing. Or if it isn't, it just reads weird for me.
As I keep reading, I'm wondering if cer is a name? Or a keyboard fluke? I'd like a little more introduction if it's a person? Just really confused about that. At some points it sounds like a name, some points it doesn't. Lot's of "cer" and "Ce"...
Over all, it was in an interesting read. I feel like you have something here with the plot over all but I just wish it was easier to read because of the confusion I've had with the "cer" part.
But really, I'll say again....I enjoyed it otherwise.
Ce/cer/cerself is Jazai's pronoun set, meaning that's the pronouns ce goes by, because ce's a third-gender person as opposed to being a man or a woman.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Maybe you can re-read and see what you missed because of that bit ;P
That's intriguing. Why did you choose to go that way? It's different...and awesome.
Honestly, it's because there aren't enough non-binary protagonists in fiction, and I'm sick and tired of not seeing people like myself on paper. So, you know, I'm writing one. -shrugs-
You're awesome.
I'm glad I found this piece because I enjoy it in spite of some negative points. First, Jazai sounds like an interesting character and an intelligent, resourceful person; but your use of the words "ce" and "cer" is genuinely confusing. I thought you meant "she and "her." Thus I sounded "she" and "her" in my head as I was reading, but I was never sure. Please if you don't mean that Jazai is a woman, clarify your use of "ce" and "cer."
Also, there is the pace of the chapter and the description you used. I think the chapter is well done, but at times, I was uncertain of the surroundings. For example, when Jazai was looking at the figure in bed, I couldn't form clear mental pictures. You need to slow down certain important moments like that and describe more. Otherwise, your reader will not understand what position Jazai is actually in. Additionally, it would help if you did not use "they" as the antecedent of "figure" because you shortly reveal that the figure is male. Therefore, why not say "he"? The only other acceptable solution apart from saying "he" is saying "it" because a figure is a thing. Until you reveal that the figure is a person, it can be identified as a thing.
Furthermore, I like this fantasy world you've crafted. The concept of the drinking water being polluted with excrement is disgusting, but it conveys the poverty of this area. I like how dramatic you've been. I also am curious as to what past Jazai has had. You mentioned she was newly adult--that sparks my curiosity.
Overall, this chapter is exciting and attractive, but it lacks key detail. I feel that,as a reader, I haven't been given enough information. As an example, when did she get the charms that work magic? She might have had them already, but you didn't tell me that. Thus I don't know. You must keep firmly in mind that the reader does not see into your mind. Nothing you imagine reaches the reader unless you write it or write something that implies it. I just think you need more detail in the scenes where Jazai is moving about the building and in your description of her although in other areas, the amount of detail is enough. Although I dislike certain things about this chapter, I love the whole of it. It was an intriguing chapter with a seemingly unusual breed of mages and sufficient material to make me read further. I hope to see more from you,ancientforever.
P.S. Question--does a mage purify the water by dipping his hand in it? or did the people merely feel reassured by such dipping? Keep writing, and God bless.
As for "ce" and "cer" - no, Jazai is not a woman; ce is a nonbinary person, but their pronoun set is ce/cer/cers/cerself. Nonbinary, of course, meaning neither man nor woman. This is common enough in cer society that it's not something that really needs to be remarked upon, because it's not abnormal to the character, and it would be awkward if there was a sudden infodump ("hi, I'm Tian-lo Jazai and I'm a third-gender person standing yea tall yada yada yada"). If I feel like it's necessary, I'll try to work the information into another chapter, but this isn't a place where ce would be sitting down and thinking about their life, so.
I don't feel the need to spell out every aspect of my character's past, which is why I assumed it would be clear through Jazai's habit of cer hand going to cer charms that ce was used to them being there. I absolutely refuse to sit down and explain everything to the reader in one long infodump, so if you want to learn more, you'll have to read more. ;P
You do have a good point about possibly needing more physical detail about Jazai's surroundings - I have a bad habit of writing in impossible description, so I took out a lot of it for this, which might have left it a little drier, but I think anything is better than purple prose.
As far as the mage thing goes, yes, it's just reassurances, hah. If the mages could actually purify water by dipping their hand in it, they would charge bucketloads and all be rich, so it's probably a good thing they can't.
And oops, I just realized that some of that probably sounded pretty harsh >< Sorry, I'm kind of somewhere else emotionally right now, so I didn't think to look over what I said before I posted it. Thank you so much for your review, and I'm glad you enjoyed the piece!