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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hi my name is Tsunami and I'm here to give you a nice long review. I hope you like it, and if you don't agree with what I say in this review pleas say that you don't agree with me. because I want this review to help you.
Okay lets start with what I liked.
I like it that you poult emotions into this prolong. I all so like the name of the book it is very catchy. the story is good for now. But it needs a little bit of patching up if you no what I
Oh and if any of your words is spelled wrong it will be in bold. Okay lets start. mean.
Characters: I love them I don't think you need to fixe anything about them they are just perfect. :d
Description: It needs to be fixt just a little bit. I will just point out the ports I think you an fixe. Like this paragraph.
Okay over here I think you can describe a little bit more, and ad some feelings in to it like were the children crying some thing like that, and with the description you need to ad smell, touch and site. you can do this to all of your other paragraphs to if you feels the need to do what i have just told you.
Grammar: Okay your grammar id really good well done.
Spelling: Your spelling needed to be fixt just a little.
There all done.
And that is all I have to say to day. I hope to see more of your work on the site, so that means never stop righting, and post more of your work on the site. I hope you have a really great day/night.
Oh and happy review day.
From your friend Tsunami.
Hey there!
I'm American, so none of the spelling "mistakes" you fixed were actually mistakes to begin with. I simply write in American English.
As well, the descriptions were done a certain way because of the character currently acting as my narrator. I'll be editing them, certainly, but different things are important to different characters, so I feel no need to go on a dissociative infodump about the surrounding area.
Thank you!
Okay you do what you need to do.
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
Why is Euphie's nickname Gander? Will we learn this later in the story?
Just some questions I had throughout the chapter. I may have read over it on accident because sleep is not a thing, sorry if I did.
One of the things I had trouble understanding where the ages in this chapter. I had a hard time figuring out how old everyone was as the characters in the chapter had changing maturities. Maybe it was just me.
I really liked the characters Morgana and Euphie as they interested me the most in this chapter. The rest of the characters just felt kind of unimportant in my mind compared to them. I don't really know how I feel about Alan becoming the main narrator though I hope he gets more development as well. Although, it does feel kind of odd that one of the characters that seemed more in the background is going to become the main.
Egh I didn't have much to say other than "oh my god when will there be more" but hopefully I helped a tad (probably not)
Have a great day!
Hey there!
Euphie's nickname is actually Goose, and Morgana's is Gander -- it's something that you will learn about later in the story, so don't worry, I get it being confusing in a prologue, haha.
As for the ages, I never really flat-out stated them, but Morgana and Euphie are in their early twenties (like twenty or twenty-one) here. Gavin is about two or so, and Alan is a teensy baby.
I started this from Morgana's POV for a bit of background info on her, but we'll be getting into Alan (and his brothers) very soon, haha.
Thank you very much!
it sucked dont thank me u weeb D:
i will thank u
and u will like it
<3
nu i will not take dis
Hey! EverWinter here for a review!
Okay so I like where this is going. I like how dim the other sister seems. I also like your style.
The first thing I would suggest is not using names so much. It would be different if there were more talking characters, but it just seems to be back and forth between two characters, so her saying "'Gana" almost every time she talks is redundant.
Next, the ending seems a little bit of a let down.
That's just not very powerful. It dissipates all the tension and mood. Frankly I think you could just delete it and it would be better.
Lastly, there should be more tension between the ghost and Morgana. I mean, she killed her mom. And just flat out saying it doesn't have the effect of implying it so the reader just figures it out. Have you ever had that moment of "Oh ho ho yes I figured it out, I'm brilliant!" ? I love having that during a book because that makes me want to stick around more so I can see if I was right. And whether or not the reader gets it right or wrong, just having a theory hooks them. Either they'll think "Yep I was right, awesome" or "Dang I didn't see that coming." So more implying that she caused the woman's death and more banter and being shook up after the encounter. I mean, supernatural experiences are tiring (not that Ive ever had one)
This seems like the kind of piece that can have more drama than others. Simply because it has a mystery factor, the paranormal, and the main character is a witch.
I like where this is going. The way your characters talk is refreshing, just because they seem very prim and proper. You have a great idea here. I'd like to know if this is present day or in the mid 20th century. Doing it in the 1950s would feel original. But modern day would be cool as well, just because you've got an aspiring witch trying to be the best in America.
Anyways, great job, and I hope this was at least a little helpful.
EverWinter
Hey there!
This prologue actually focuses on a different character than my main narrator (who will be Alan), so for me, this is more of a way of setting up Morgana very quickly as well as the family drama between her and her sister and the whole undertone of a prophecy behind it all.
There isn't a lot of tension between Morgana and the ghost because, well, she already knows that the ghost can't do anything to hurt her. So she's more concerned with the fact that she'd rather be left alone to do her work, and her mother is still trying to intrude and force this prophecy on her.
And as far as killing her mother, Morgana didn't directly kill her, so what she's saying is more that she wore her mother's health down that she might die of natural causes more quickly. Not to mention, because Morgana won't be my narrator for the rest of this, I don't have the benefit of her viewpoint to imply that for the rest of the novel. I can try to work it into Alan's POV, though.
As for the time period, it's actually going to be taking place in a Vague American Time -- which is to say, the 1990s, haha. I like mixing and matching time periods, and having Morgana be from a totally different time period than her nephew is going to be fun.
And yeah, I was pretty sure I had used names too often, haha. It's just difficult when you have two female characters present in a scene who are the same age, and one semi-present who was already referred to as "the woman" at the beginning of the scene.
I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thank you very much!
Oh! That makes more sense XD I hate it when that happens to me. If Alan is your main character, then it is fine. Is him seeing the ghost key to the rest of the story? I'm very curious as to where this goes. You should tag me when you publish the next chapter.
Alan seeing the ghost isn't exaaaactly the key to the rest of the story, but it'll tie into his characterization (and the fact that he's a witch from a long line of witches, he just happens to have been born to a woman who wants to deny that fact, haha).
I'll be sure to tag you!