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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello, me again.
Again, I pretty much only have praise for you. I'm really falling in love with your story and your characters.
The only criticism I can think of is that this chapter didn't really have a remarkable ending that hinted to the importance of this chapter, but I don't actually think this is a problem. I enjoy the story well enough that I don't feel like I need and ending to encourage me to read the next chapter. I'm already hooked as it is.
I'm sorry my reviews have been so short. All I can seem to give you is praise. <3
-LittleFox
I'm not stalking you, I swear.
So this was another good chapter, in my opinion, and I really like that we saw another side to Jazai's personality. So far ce's been portrayed as someone who seems quite hard and cold, so I really liked the fact that we saw cer buy the flowers and what not for some girls (who I'm sure we'll find out about a bit more in the future). Your descriptions were great as always, and I'm finding myself become really interested in this novel. Kudos for you to that because my attention span, particularly with fantasy novels, is shameful.
One little thing I want to mention is that while I do rave about your descriptions, I am starting to feel like they're becoming a bit much... Descriptions are awesome and they really add some spice to your writing, but you have to be careful not to overload it with them. The main reason for that is that they can distract the reader, especially your slower readers/me, which will result in their attention being taken away from the plot and what not. Just be careful not to go overboard with them, is all I'm saying.
Something else that bugged me a little was Jazai buying the flowers and gifts for the girls. I mean, I love that it shows us another side to her, but five minutes ago she was complaining about how poor she was. I know she's been given a good amount of money so she can afford to get the gifts, but she made such a big deal out of having no money... Surely, she needs to save every penny? Plus if she hasn't been doing the best job for Atheena lately, would he really pay her that much money in advance (which is more of a critique for the last chapter, I guess). Just something to think about, I suppose.
There was also one little nit-pick I picked up on.
Remember what I said in my review of the first chapter? About how you keep the old-fashioned mood and atmosphere well throughout your writing, but occasionally slip up a bit? I think you do it here. As previously stated my history knowledge ain't good, but someone saying 'for a laugh' seems like a modern turn of phrase. I'd consider rephrasing that, if I were you. I don't think I noticed any other modern-esque turn of phrase though, so don't worry too much about this.
I think that's all my critiques done. Knowing me I'll post this and think of another, like, fifty things, but hey ho. I'm curious to find out what'll happen in Jazian's next job, so please do let me know when you post the next part! I'd also like to find out more about Jazian and cer past, which could be a tiny critique, but it's only the second chapter so I'll leave whining about that for now!
Let me know if you have any questions or anything, I'd be more than happy to answer them for you. Just reply to this or post a message on my wall, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Haha, I'll make sure to tag you when the next chapter is up!
Heavy description is kind of the thing that kept me in writing fiction for a while, and this is actually a huuuge downsizing on how I used to write. I also think that I could probably edit some out and make it better, but I'd like to take a step away from it first. (And I don't think the next chapter will be quite so bad. I hope.)
As far as the kind-of-modern way of talking, I also wanted to draw the line between how the elite talk (which you'll see in chapter 4 or 5, probably) and how the lower classes talk (which would be interspersed with a lot more idioms and turns of phrase). I'm still working on trying to integrate it into Jazai's voice, but I thiiink that once I get it done properly, things like "idiot" and "for a laugh" won't stand out so much.
Thank you for the review!
I get'cha! Hey, if these descriptions are what keeps you writing fiction then I say go for it! It's not a big issue for me at the moment anyway, just keep on eye on it and it'll be fine.
Ah I see, well yeah, in that case I'd suggest maybe putting more emphasis on that different way of speaking between the classes because there isn't a massive difference, at the moment. That's something you can easily fix if you go back to it though, so it's cool for now.
Let me know if you want something else reviewed or anything! :3
Haha, right now the only higher-class person we've heard speak is Atheera, and he doesn't act quite so snooty around Jazai, so
Once we get into his chapters, though, the difference might appear.
Ah okay, well it'll be interesting to see the difference
I haven't read the first chapter yet, but just reading this without knowing what happened first. i could immediately say that this will be great! This masterpiece is perfect! I love on how you put all your effort and brain cells to made this! This is like heaven on earth! I really do love it! I hope this gets published someday, that can go worldwide because this deserves it! Heh. I might just be exaggerating, ha! Hyperbole xD but this masterpiece got me overwhelmed and I really like it! Wait no. I don't like it. I love it! Keep it up! Keep up the good work!