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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello and happy review day!
As always, your writing style is a pleasure to read. I'm happy to see this chapter moving in a more defined direction. Of course, the reader is still left wondering where the story will go next and is thus encouraged to read on to the next chapter.
Also, I really adore your voice in your writing. It's graceful while having a little bit of bluntness to it that I like a lot. To me, voice is the most important element to a well-told story, so I really respect a wonderful voice such as this!
Keep on writing!
-LittleFox
Hey,
I enjoyed reading this, I've said this before on other works I've reviewed but I adore finding nice little story's/chapters to pass the time in fifth period so thanks for this. I think you did a really nice job with detail in this story and the way you've written it in general. Moving on to my nitpicks now or I will get caught up in everything I loved about this story. Right off the bat I see a lot of ce and cer, I'm seeing it enough that part of me wonders it it's intentional. Personally I'd fix it because I just found it confusing.
After using a list comma you should consider revising "wont do anything' to " and won't do anything"
Well that was a short list... While reading this story the ce's really confused me and during the second read through I noticed I paid more attention to them then the story the first time I read it. Aside from that tho its a really amazing story, great job!
Sincerely,
Collideascope.
Hello, thanks for your review! You might have noticed that ce/cer/cer/cerself is the main character's pronoun set, in place of he/his/him/himself or she/her/her/herself, as Jazai is non-binary agender. That might clear up some confusion over that.
The reason I have the run-on with "won't talk, won't do anything" is because the character speaking is kinda ditzy and out of it -- she's not going to be forming perfect sentences. As a result, to stay true to the character's voice, I won't force her into perfect grammar.
Again, thank you for your review!
Heyo Anci, Flite here for a review.
Hmm, so this chapter is probably I'd say the most action-packed chapter so far. i'm still getting use to the non-binary gender pronoun, hmm. I have mixed feelings with this chapter, so we'll see where this goes.
Well, the opening line nagged at me the first time I read it. In fact, is still nagging me and this is ....the fourth time I'm reading it now. It's contradictory in its nature, unless this was written sarcastically (which I didn't detect). In here, I get the image that the breeze was cool, but prying someone clothes off also gave me the image it was hot. So I have this strange image of hot/but not that hot environment. Hm, so that sentence there, I think can be phrased better to make it clearer.
There is a lot of pronoun in there, you seem to have taken a liking to the use of pronouns in your sentences a lot. Over-time, it gets repetitive. So maybe try and shorten the use of pronouns and just describe the motion in one go?
So, ce wants to get to the whorehouse because it was cer's escape route. But why? I would like to know the reason why cer has chosen the whorehouse as cer's hiding place. Because a brothel really doesn't seem like the logical or realistic place for a hideout. Even for a scavenger. Background information here would be nice. Naranste was a pretty abrupt character too, I mean yes, we get that she's a healer with blood magic but apart from that we don't really see any other insight into her. So, I was thinking maybe through the dialogue. Reveal some more background information on who she is? Because otherwise, her appearance seems like an intrusion rather than an introduction.
While I'm on this tangent, let's talk about their little negotiation. Naranste has been set up as a very powerful, almost stubborn character in the start. She's not going to move until she gets what she wants, because that was the impression I had. However, her reaction to Jazai's terms surprised me, I didn't think she would let cer go that easily. Judging by their tone, I don't think this is the first time they've had this discussion. So, either Narantse has a soft spot for Jazai's, or you should consider tweaking that negotiation a bit. I mean, who will know if Jazai will keep true to cer words or not.
Just an off note here, is probably just me. But in the beginning, when the blood magic washed over the both of them. I was actually quite confused, was that something Naranste carried with her or something exerted at will?
Alright, let's move onto Ziyou and Ce now. Their initial interaction also shocked me a little. Relaxation passed through Ce, and Ce demanded to know if it was going to kill her? That didn't make any sense at all, unless she's allergic to relaxation.
Basically that's all, I don't have that much to say about this chapter. Your ending was powerful and you've settled on a really nice tone here. If anything, I'd say the overall pace of this chapter felt a bit slow. I read your chapter three times, it took me a while to get through the whole chapter on the first try. Your language can be pretty long-winded at times, I think is due to the pronouns and the formality of this piece.
I hoped I helped, even just a little.
-Flite