Poems on Night
Here are some poems from a sad book that is about the Holocaust and is a very touching needle like book.
Ice
Heaps of bodies lying around.
In the mist of snow, there is no sound.
Running, running, running, for who, for what?
For ourselves.
Shoving, pushing, crying, do they hear the ringing bells?
Time’s up...they sleep, and stay there till the snow melts.
Paper cut
If one receives a paper cut, it may hurt or swell.
If one receives a lashing belt you may hear a scream.
If one receives nothing more than harsh words and mean slurs, you may see tears roll.
If one receives blows or slits or hits, pain will be bold.
If one receives gunshots, the red in them will show.
If one receives burning flames, their entire body will go.
If one receives a rope around them, it will eventually be the end, even if the boy that’s hanging, isn’t completely dead.
An Empty Shell
The darkness in one grows, when darkness is all one can see.
The anger becomes bitterness in pain and misery.
The mystery of love is lost inside of hate.
The kind words are trampled by sourness.
Some carry light in their hearts, hoping for their freedom.
Some feel they must fight for it, and all their hope, is gone.
Gone like some they have killed.
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137,419 Literary Works • 672,008 Reviews
Hello there, thewritersdream. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3
You start out pretty smooth, but the third line began to break the rhythm, and the fourth line doesn't match up to the third line at all, and so the rhyme there falls flat.
I'd recommend cutting out some words from the third and fourth lines, like so:
Evening out the number of syllables would go a long way in smoothing out the rhythm, so that the the rhyme works, especially since rhyme relies upon rhythm to work to begin with. Basically, it's not enough to have lines end in rhyming words; there needs to be the same distance syllable-wise in between rhyming words for rhymes to work.
I think this line would be better as its own stanza. Not only will it make this line feel more important, but it also acts as a visual signal to the reader that "the rhyming has ended" so they don't expect a rhyme and get disappointed.
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This line is so much longer than the two before, it's quite jarring. I'd recommend shortening it, to keep with the rhythm established by the first two lines.
I think this line would be better broken into two. It's a bit long as it is, and so doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem visually-speaking.
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This last line just feels too heavy-handed. Personally, I'd recommend cutting it completely.
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Overall, you had quite a lot of comma splices, which were distracting. Watch your commas, and watch your rhythms. You tend to have a difficult time keeping a steady rhythm, which is really important if you're going to rhyme.