z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

My first Haikus

by TahaT11n


Note: These Haikus are the very first ones that I have written. Also, this is my first time trying poetry. So, you can't expect anything good to read from here. Still, I request you to kindly read them and criticize them as much as you can..Cus I need help with them.

1.Dogs' Laugh..(the title)
They barked and barked and 
when they laughed they laughed like us
But I heard them bark

2.
drain's smell,mosquitos
the long gone taste of moldy food
he can at least eat

3.
sound box lying unplugged
the paused title "Rain"- a sad song
being played inside brain

4.
the scarf touched the floor
got a new design of bruise
it was around a neck

5.
Red rose, silent plead
to kiss- unexpected love
from a friend to friend
(I think, this is the worst one)

6.
numbness of the body
no talk, walk, watch, no nothing
soul remained sleeping

7.
Scattered pink in blue
Cherry blossoms never end
Ones that I have left

8.
cat under the table
tries hard to reach milk on top
I fail to follow it

9.
the least important
thing is more important than
my very existence

That's all I got to write for now...


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Points: 499
Reviews: 4

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Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:01 pm
Thesky says...



Hey this is Thesky or (Sky)

In the first one
"1.Dogs' Laugh..(the title)
They barked and barked and
when they laughed they laughed like us
But I heard them bark"
This to me does not make sense I see that your trying to say something but I just don't get this one.

In the third one
"3.
sound box lying unplugged
the paused title "Rain"- a sad song
being played inside brain"
I didn't get tips either and wher it says a sad song being played inside brain it doesn't sound right

I think maybe you should read this over but it is really good.




TahaT11n says...


Thank you so much for reading these and reviewing. So, the problem that I have is "not being able to make the concept clear" and "not using the right words"
Just like I said, it's my first time, so, I'll try to correct them next time.
Thanks again, :)



User avatar


Points: 499
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:01 pm
Thesky wrote a review...



Hey this is Thesky or (Sky)

In the first one
"1.Dogs' Laugh..(the title)
They barked and barked and
when they laughed they laughed like us
But I heard them bark"
This to me does not make sense I see that your trying to say something but I just don't get this one.

In the third one
"3.
sound box lying unplugged
the paused title "Rain"- a sad song
being played inside brain"
I didn't get tips either and wher it says a sad song being played inside brain it doesn't sound right

I think maybe you should read this over but it is really good.




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425 Reviews


Points: 50
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Sat Feb 13, 2016 3:25 pm
Vervain wrote a review...



Hey, Taha! It's been a while since we spoke, but I'm here to take a look and review these haiku of yours! I'll give you a bit of critique on each one, then an overall critique, going in order.

1 (Dog's Laugh): I'm not quite sure what your intended message is in this haiku. I understand that you're talking about dogs being humanized, in a way, that makes them closer to humanity while still being dogs, but I'm not sure what the end goal is to make readers think about. What do you want readers to think when they come away from this haiku?

2: This one is really interesting. I read the first two lines and found myself thinking, "what could this possibly be about?", but the last line surprised me and made me think a little more about the state of poverty and unclean surroundings. One thing I might say is that your middle line is eight syllables instead of seven; maybe take a look and refine your language there to make it fit?

3: Each of your lines here is one syllable too long; you have an array of 6 syllables, 8 syllables, and 6 again instead of 5-7-5. As for the imagery, I find it rather potent, but that's me as a musician who connects deeply to the music I hear. You might want to refine the idea of "being played inside a brain" so it's a little clearer to the audience—or you might not. It's a haiku; it works either way so long as we have the clarity of message.

4: This one, I think, is the second-weakest in this small collection. Not because of the message it holds, certainly, but because of how it's delivered: There's no stark imagery besides the scarf, and the audience can't really see what you're trying to say here.

5: I actually enjoyed this one! While, perhaps, the imagery wasn't there, it has a clear, relatable message in a delivery that I haven't seen before. I think it's cute, and while it could be at a higher level, I think you'll find your comfort zone with that when you edit these haiku or write more to get more immersed in the style.

6: This one is interesting. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to talk about here, as there are multiple scenarios I can think of that fit this, so I would recommend looking at what you're trying to say and making it a little more obvious. If you want it to be vague (and vaguely emotional), then you succeeded!

7: I'm not quite sure what the message is supposed to be here, either. I get the image of the cherry blossoms, but it doesn't mean much to me; perhaps ask yourself "what am I trying to say with this?"

8: I like the first two lines of this! I'm unsure as to what you're thinking with the last line; while I understand haiku are meant to be contrasting images, the last line seems to have little meaning, and exists only to be an ending to the first two lines.

9: This one, I'd say, is actually the weakest. It doesn't have any strong imagery ("the least important thing" is very vague), it doesn't hold any of the traditional styles of the haiku (nature imagery, contrasting images, conflict in the message), and while your message is very clear and obvious, it doesn't resonate with me.

Overall: You have some interesting messages in this collection, definitely. Your imagery could use a bit of work, as with your word choice, but I did enjoy these haiku. Keep writing!




TahaT11n says...


Hey, Lar! Glad to know that you remember me..:) And thanks for the very helpful review. The next time I write, I will try my best to follow your advice.
I still have to write more. And it was my first time writing haiku..so, I think, that's the best I could give at first try. But the next time it will be better.
Thanks again.




I AM NOT GOING "FULL COW" ON SOMEBODYYYYYY
— whatchamacallit