Hers was a hand reaching out through time,
pale as a ghost, and delicate enough
to reach between your ribs and caress your soul.
Hers were eyes that beckoned, pleading,
“Come! Take my hand and let’s fly!
Fly somewhere large and far-away and beautiful.”
Hers were feet that danced on air and darted through water,
Sometimes working as pistons
as they chopped up and down in the turquoise surf.
Hers was a mouth that curved upwards,
aster lips concealed a voice
that would make angels hide in shame.
Hers was a laugh that trailed out over the ocean
and across the sky,
leaving an echo of the tinkling gold.
Hers was a mind seemingly broken and roughly sewn back together,
But it was bright and hopeful and childlike.
It seemed all the dark fragments had been hidden inside the light.
Hers was a soul as pure as the purest element on Earth,
even if before,
It had been as black as the deepest pit.
-
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Note: I got the idea from this poem from visiting a hospital and seeing a young woman who had apparently been very troubled, but she got into some sort of accident and her mind was completely shattered, but replaced with something more optimistic than before. I'm not sure whether this is a sad story or a happy one, but it is a story nonetheless. Also, all the sea/sky references are from the painting that hung in her hospital room. She'd probably daydream about swimming or flying from looking at that painting with little else to do.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi, Fortis! GreyReality here!
I really wanted to thank you for sharing perhaps a haunting experience. This poem is expertly written as the repetition allows one to feel as if the poem were somewhat familiar. You give us exactly what we need to see and you leave just enough to the imagination. I think this is a sad poem, but sadness has a particular kind of beauty that is hard to capture. What everyone has been raving about is very true, the formatting of this piece was done well. I think that the last stanza might be a little off balance, but that's so small in comparison to the enormity of an achievement you've dreated with your words and experience.
Thank you for sharing
the grey reality
Hello NightWolf here to review your poem today.
I see no flaws whatsoever with the actual poem, so here is a very hearty well done. I see the emotion you have put into this, it is really clear.
The format is really neat and clean cut, and for this I'm thankful because it is really hard to read an un-formatted poem.
Your description is very bold and frankly amazing. The message is very evident and clear, and it's not hidden by anything.
Well done!
Fortis, darling. <3
Beautiful work. I absolutely have no critique about the poetry itself, since I found nothing wrong.
One of the things I really liked was the format. Thank you for making it so beautiful and clean and it's just fabulous. It helped keep the flow steady for me as I read through it, so you rock <3
Overall, I just really liked the piece. I loved your vivid descriptions and your metaphors. The message was clear and wasn't muffled by a whole bunch of fancy words and meanings, so kudos on that.
Absolutely perfect. I love this verse. Write more like this, and then let me know, because this was amazing!
~Iggy
Hello,
I'm sincerely sorry to hear about what happened to this woman.
Your poem was excellent and even without the explanation at the end I followed the theme because it was clear and well written. I love your language in this and the imagery you use to talk about the painting. I especially like these lines:
Sometimes working as pistons
as they chopped up and down in the turquoise surf
You vivid diction really gives me an idea of what you wish to convey through your words. I know what her feet look like as they move because you described it in such a beautiful way.
I've read some of your other poems and I must say you are a great poet and I hope to read more wonderful works by you!