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Titleless (Cutting Poem) *Trigger Warning*

by yubbies21


*Trigger Warning* I wrote this for NAPO, during the time I had relapsed. 

.

.

.

Little girl curled up in a corner

wondering why she can’t feel

her emotions are numbed by the pain

fighting off wounds that won’t heal

.

Her tears are all that’s left of her

the rest has all drained away

her mind is clouded and confused

she’s just not thinking straight today

.

She wants to bury her fear

drown it until it’s all gone

she rolls up her sleeve

thinks- “this won‘t take very long.”

.

She reaches for her one friend

grips it tight, holds it to her skin

she screams silently inside

as the sharpened blade digs in

.

Little girl crumpled on the floor

just watching the blood drip out

her mind is slowing, she’s almost dead

but still, she refuses to shout


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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:03 am
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hey, Chippy here with a review.

This seems like quite a personal and emotional piece since self harming isn't really the most joyous of topics to write about, though it's a pretty popular topic most choose to write on.
I felt like you really did tell a story about the little girl, it was a simple and cohesive piece so well done on that.

"Little girl curled up in a corner

wondering why she can’t feel

her emotions are numbed by the pain

fighting off wounds that won’t heal"

I feel like you needed to use some punctuation here. Just adding *A* little girl .... would have have started the sentence off a bit more smoothly in my view. A comma after, "corner", is needed. This whole stanza is one line, which is a little long to read and it begins to drag on slightly so perhaps some line breaks and a full-stop at the end.

"Her tears are all that’s left of her

the rest has all drained away

her mind is clouded and confused

she’s just not thinking straight today"

I thought, more diverse imagery should have been used here. I like that you're trying to build a picture of emotion by adding, "tears" but frankly, tears are very overdone they're not the only way of showing the emotion of sadness. I would also remove the word, "today", at the end because depression and feeling like self-harming does not just come about on a certain day. Also, "thinking straight", is a bit of a general term perhaps reference her unstable state of mind and elaborate on that intense and misguided thought process.


"She wants to bury her fear

drown it until it’s all gone

she rolls up her sleeve

thinks- “this won‘t take very long"

A comma is needed after, "fear". I didn't really like the dash and sudden speech or her thoughts, it was a bit distracting as it didn't fit the rest of your poem and since its a thought rather than direct speech I would have phrased it differently so the speech marks aren't needed as such.


As an overview, due to the unfortunate popularity of these type of self-harm/depression based poetry, its very important to differentiate yours so it can stand out or even have a different plot. Having it expressed though metaphors would have been nice to see as your poem is a bit too direct, hence losing the poetic language element of it,imagery also would have been good to see, in a unique way.

Overall, well done. Keep writing! Hope this review was of help to you.

--Chips.

#TheFaultInOurReviews




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:40 pm
Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, Yubbies21! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!

Now, the stanzas in this poem are nice. You handle them with care, and subtly. They aren't delivered bluntly, it just flows nicely. This is what most poems need, really. Though, this isn't the world's best subject, I like that. I enjoy how you put thinly veiled emotion in the poem, where we can at least feel some of the vulnerability of the subject. Though, it does seem like the subject has been through so much, when they really haven't. You are your own worst critic.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you..
7.2/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.

#TheFaultInOurReviews




Willard says...


OH MY GOSH I'm sorry if I was being harsh. Didn't read the author's note, I'm so sorry



yubbies21 says...


Hahaha it's okay Strange! Everybody is entitled to their own opinions! :)



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:19 pm
racket wrote a review...



Hey, yubbies! Racket here to review this poem.
This is a kind of depressing poem, though you did a good job of it. So, I am going on to tell you of what I thought needed a little improvement and/or things you should change.
Firstly, generally, poetry is supposed to be capitalized every line, I believe. Only a few of your lines had capitalization, so that is one thing you should fix.
I have a suggestion for spacing your stanzas. You did periods, which is what I do, but I believe you can color the periods as well, so if you color them white, they would look invisible.
Overall, this poem needs some punctuation. There is barely any throughout the whole poem, and I believe you need some periods to end each stanza.
"Little girl curled up in a corner
wondering why she can't feel
her emotions are numbed by the pain
fighting off wounds that won't heal"
As I said, this needs some punctuation and capitalization. At the end of the first line there should be a comma. The second line of this stanza feels like the end of the first thought, so I believe it should have a period at the end. This would make the third line make more sense in the context rather than an overall sentence of "Little girl curled up in a corner wondering why she can't feel her emotions are numbed by the pain fighting off wounds that won't heal." I believe that the last line of this stanza would make a little more sense if you said "of trying to fight of wounds that won't heal." Your edited stanza would end up looking like this:
"Little girl curled up in a corner,
Wondering why she can't feel.
Her emotions are numbed by the pain
Of trying to fight off wounds that won't heal."
Following this pattern, your overall edited poem would look something like this:
"Little girl curled up in a corner,
Wondering why she can't feel.
Her emotions are numbed by the pain
Of trying to fight off wounds that won't heal.

Her tears are all that's left of her,
The rest has all drained away.
Her mind is clouded and confused,
She's just not thinking straight today.

She wants to bury her fear,
Drown it until it's gone.
She rolls up her sleeve,
Thinks-"This won't take very long."

She reaches for her one friend,
Grips it tight, and holds it to her skin.
She screams silently inside,
As the sharpened blade digs in.

Little girl crumpled on the floor,
Just watching the blood seep out.
Her mind is slowing, she's almost dead,
But still, she refuses to shout.

See? Easy fixes. I really admired the rhyme scheme of this poem; it is hard to find poems that rhyme and have an actual rhyme scheme, and this one looked hard to find the right words to meet the requirements of this particular rhyme scheme without straying from the original meaning. This is a very deep, probably very meaningful to you, poem. I would like to ask you how you are doing after your relapsing. You don't have to answer if you don't want.
Thanks for writing this and I can't wait to read more!
~Racket




yubbies21 says...


Thanks for the Review! I'm doing much better! The road to full recovery is going to be hard and full of rough patches of relapse, but I'm one week clean again already! :)



racket says...


Oh, good! I didn't know you were going through that...good luck with the rest of relapsing!



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:22 am
Aley wrote a review...



Hello~

So overall I think you've got some good narrative detail in this poem. You don't just go through with metaphors to hide what's going on, but detail what she's going through in a way that's not hiding from the fact of what she did. You also don't hide within her being found at the end, but leave the reader to ponder if she will live for themselves, and allow them to draw their own conclusions about what will happen, not that it really matters to the poem.

I think there are some things that could be improved upon in this poem, first off, I'm not sure I like how you address the main character. "little girl" doesn't really feel very personal and the more personal we get with the main character, the more sympathetic we will be. It can show that depression starts at any age and it's not just limited to the old, or it could be derogatory about her height or an insult about her intelligence. Personally I'd probably go with something like naming her "Hope" or another one of those types of names that would give this a chance to be highly symbolic not only of one individual's life, but a statement about loss of more than that, depression on a grander scale. It's just an idea, but I think you should consider changing it to a name that would add another layer of this onto the poem.

I don't really like how you handled thinking. I think if you just put the message down as a line itself we would understand. It's not necessary for her to believe that it won't take very long because we will know no different as the reader, so if the narrator just says it, then you'll be perfectly fine. It also could be a comment about something more too, like "death" doesn't take very long because in reality you're either dying or you're dead. Dying might take a while, but the translation between dying to dead is pretty quick. There's also cut vs. fine. The separation of the skin doesn't take much time.

I like what that line adds to the poem, this moment of juxtoposition between the pressure of time and the simple desire to feel good for a little while. It's an impulse to think about time even though if she dies, she'll never have to worry about it again. She wasn't trying to be suicidal in my opinion though, just wanted to feel what she was feeling physically?

Anyway, I won't go on forever. Keep writing~
-Aley




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:50 am
JayeCShore wrote a review...



Hi, J.C. here for a review!

Okay, I'm going to come right out and say this, but I don't like poems like this. For multiple reasons. 1) Depression is such a terrible thing, and I know how strong its effects are, but focusing on it doesn't help. I, personally, can't stand stuff like this, because the only way to get rid of it, is to get rid of it. 2) This sort of poem is the most common. Depression. Hate. Sadness. Everyone writes these all the time, so there's nothing unique or original about it. It's pretty much just hashing what everyone else has said.

"My life sucks. My family sucks. My friends suck. I'm going to kill myself."

It's just not good.

With that out of the way, I'll focus on the writing itself.

Little girl curled up in a corner

wondering why she can’t feel

her emotions are numbed by the pain

fighting off wounds that won’t heal


This stanza is a bit of an oxy-moron. She can't feel? But then, she's in pain? That just doesn't seem to fit.

She reaches for her one friend

grips it tight, holds it to her skin

she screams silently inside

as the sharpened blade digs in


I find it so sad that this is so true. That is, if you don't understand the truth about the truth. I've struggled with depression for my entire life, to the point of being on drugs, and having come out the other side, I've realized that it's all self inflicted. Well, almost all of it. There are friends out there for people like us. We just have to go find them, and stop wallowing in self pity.

But saying "her one friend" while speaking of the knife is a good way of explaining it. Honestly, I've never understood how inflicting pain helps, but I can understand why and how people are reduced to that level.

In the end, I did not find anything spectacular about this poem, as I said at the beginning, that really put this one on a pedestal above the thousands of others just like it. This is not to say that it's a bad poem or not well written, but it's like trying to glorify a single grain of sand on the beach. It just doesn't happen.

Thank you yubbies21!

#D65F54 ">- JC -


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yubbies21 says...


Thanks for the Review! I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate that you are honest about your opinions without being rude. :) Happy Review Day!



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:50 am
DougalOfBiscuits wrote a review...



I was sort of trundling through this poem because it's review day but I got to the last line and nearly shouted 'Oh!' out loud. I'm going to read this properly now.

Okay, first of all I have to say that this is very important to me. I have a friend who cuts and it's always great to read cutting poems because I feel like perhaps these are some of the emotions she is trying to get through to me but she can't find the words. Some of it sounds very familiar, like 'wounds that won't heal'. I suppose these are about the mental wounds, rather than the physical wounds of the blade. This really speaks to me because it is astonishing the stigma that is still present around mental health. In my mind, if it's diagnosable, do not freaking ignore it.

The reason the last line made me gasp and read it again was because it remind me of a Carrie Fletcher Youtube video I watched this morning. She was talking about how it is harder to ask for help than to suffer in silence. By admitting that you have a weakness, you are in fact showing great bravery. I wish my friend would realise this. I wish everyone with depression would realise this.

There are so many parts of this that fit perfectly. I'm just not sure about this line: 'she’s just not thinking straight today'. The rhythm on it had the ring of a nursery rhyme, which definitely doesn't fit. I think taking the 'just' out would fix it.

Anyway, thank you for bringing these issues to light as I think this is one of society's huge problems right now.

Well done :)




yubbies21 says...


Thanks for the Review! It means alot! :)



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:47 am
Rurouni wrote a review...



Hello! Rurouni from Rugido Sol here to review!


Well... A very interesting poem...

I have some nitpics however.

Her tears are all that’s left of her

the rest has all drained away

her mind is clouded ans confused

she’s just not thinking straight today


That should be and...

She wants to bury her fear

drown it until it’s all gone

she rolls up he sleeve

thinks- “this won‘t take very long.”


That should be the.

I *like* this. I don't like the cutting, but I like the poem. Its well written and, nice...


Overall: Some typos, nice stanza splitting and nice poem...


Well, I need to wander off.

Always,

~Shad



Image




yubbies21 says...


Haha, thanks for catching those! :) I was typing this up quick to get it in before Review Day started and missed those typos :) Thanks for the Review! Go Rudigo Sol!




Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman