When the students go home,
As the daylight starts to fade,
When the dusk sets in,
And the cold creeps in,
Who plays on the playground?
Who is the real authority of the playground?
Who rules its towers and peaks by night?
Is it the teachers, standing, watching, vigilant?
Is it the secretary, peeking out the door?
Is it the children, laughing, calling, and shrieking?
After school, when the playground is empty,
The genuine majesties appear.
Do you see them in the day time,
when the children go out to play?
Sometimes, but not always, only glimpses here and there.
Who wields the power of climbing structures?
Who is lord over the swingsets?
Is it the parents, shouting out for caution?
Is it the principal, staring from his window?
Is it the children, laughing, calling, and shrieking?
The Sovereigns leave behind clues for the children,
A soft, downy feather,
Three toed tracks in the mud,
White, smelly splatters,
Reminders of the true Governors of the playground.
Who owns the monkey bars?
Who is the mastermind of schoolyard games?
Is it the siblings, toddling, waddling, crying?
Is it the occasional dog, panting, barking, sighing?
Is it the children, laughing, calling, and shrieking?
A regal, wide beak,
Smooth, oily feathers,
Mud-caked feet,
Beady, dark eyes,
And stretched, splayed wings.
A murder of crows descends upon the playground
as soon as the last car huffs down the road.
Jumping and hopping from piece to piece,
The crows rule the playground at night,
After the crowd is gone and the day is done.
Still,
With a casual glance, they play the part of Monarchs
Until that same car is heard hours later,
Puffing up the road.
As soon as its sound shatters the morning silence,
The murder lifts off the playground,
noiselessly,
Leaving behind bits of evidence that they’re
Emperors of the Playground.
If you watch closely during the day,
You might see a few;
Perched on a rooftop,
Eating in the field,
Picking at some trash.
Know that they are waiting,
watching, until you go away
so that they may once again
Be the Kings of the Playground.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
This is my favorite of your poems so far, and unlike the last I reviewed, not at all gloomy, and even rather humourous!
First of, I will give you my single criticism, and that is, making "swingsets" a compound word. If it is colloquial, I apologise, yet at least in my experience and spell cheque (ahehehe) it is not a single word at all.
The fifth verse was by far my favorite, as it was the first clue as to the message of the piece, which was, by the way, a very good message.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
:O A concrete poem! This deserves to be reviewed even after Review Day is over
Well, I'll introduce myself anyway.
Gummy's my name, reviewing's my game!
Okay, so, first off, I love how the poem resembles a slide c: Adds to the playfulness and innocence of the poem. Also, I kinda joked to myself while reading the poem that the pigeons were the actual kings of the park. I guess I wasn't that far off. XD
The entire thing looks like a huge slide, as I already mentioned. As a result, making the poem long seems to be a give-and-take. After all, the longer a slide is, the more fun it looks like, don't you think? The title is very eye-catching, and reminded me of how I used to play King of the Hill in the playground with my friends as a kid. The grammar is pristine, and the punctuation looks clean as well, but I'm not an expert on punctuation, so I won't review that portion. :c
I personally think that when you reveal the Kings to be the murder of crows, the entire purpose of that "stanza" is to catch the reader off guard. Therefore, when the kings (that have yet to be revealed) are shown to have muddy feet, a beak, and feathers, the moment catches the reader off-guard without suddenly surprising him/her. This revelation is also quick enough to stop the reader from thinking things through and figuring out who exactly are the Kings (and consequently, killing the surprise factor).
I personally love concrete poems because they add a splash of creativity to this type of literature. c: I'd give this a very high grade if I were a judge or teacher. As always, keep writing, and keep raising the bar! This is Gummy, signing out. c:
Hi! I'm here to review your poem!
First off, I loved it. The title caught my attention pretty quickly and, at first, I wasn't sure I wanted to read it, but when I opened it and saw the formatting and the length, I knew it was going to be worth it. And it was.
Second, I admire the way you changed the words to describe these "Kings." Every use was slightly different, (i.e. "genuine majesties," "true Governors," "Sovereigns," etc.) and it felt like the power was building and something immense was coming up, which I guess would be the revelation of who the "Kings" really are.
Third, your revelation of the "Kings" was incredible. That description:
"A regal, wide beak,
Smooth, oily feathers,
Mud-caked feet,
Beady, dark eyes,
And stretched, splayed wings."
Fourth, I felt as if all that building up and characterization of the "Kings" faded out pretty quickly towards the end. The great mystical and magical feeling you created throughout the poem up to that point simply disappeared and the mood of the poem became realistic and plain and rugged in a way. It went from this sort of magical Neverland to a Walmart parking lot. The point still gets across, but the feeling disappeared. I think if you added a more creative description of their actions and made up the car a bit more exaggerated, then the feeling will continue throughout the entire poem and possibly be one of the best things on this site.
Overall, you did a fantastic job and I'm in love with your writing. You know how to create a world and stir up excitement and wonder and you should definitely continue doing that. Sincerely, Dianne
Hi yubbies21! This is Dark again to review your poem!
The title caught my eyes.The question in the title very helpful in explaining the content of a poem. So when I read the title, I started thinking, 'King of the playground?' Of course the kids!
# When the students go home,
As the daylight starts to fade,
When the dusk sets in,
And the cold creeps in,
Who plays on the playground? -->I began to think back. Huh? maybe my answer is wrong!Could it be a ghost? Because when night / dusk all children must have been back home and stop playing!I continued to the next stanza.
# Is it the teachers, standing, watching, vigilant?
Is it the secretary, peeking out the door?
Is it the children, laughing, calling, and shrieking? -->Now I'm beginning to feel horror. Impact of diction and details make an impact here.
# Know that they are waiting,
watching, until you go away
so that they may once again
Be the Kings of the Playground. -->I totally love the end!Very breathtaking and well-written!The rhythm also good!Keep it up,I enjoyed reading your poem.Maybe this poem actually can be shortened but still convey the plot of your poem!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Knight Dragon, here to bestow a Review Day review upon you!
Oh my word. The moment I saw the format, I was seriously bouncing up and down. You did a great job! It instantly brings to mind thoughts of a corkscrew slide, or maybe the back and forth rocking motion of swings. Either one works.
And then I was so captivated hunting through the poem for the Kings of the Playground. That was really fun. At first I thought you would have it be the kids, but then the clues pointed elsewhere, and then you said "A murder of crows" and I about flipped. I love using that term!
And because of the style of this poem, this isn't one that needs a particular rhythm, but a visual. Nicely done, and keep it up! It was nice to read something in really cool formatting.
Hope this helps!
Hey there, Knight Cailey here with a review on this lovely review day.
I was intrigued by the title, although I must say that because of the word playground I imagined a Dr. Seuss style poem with a cheery, lighthearted feel. This wasn't quite what I was expecting.
Anyway, I feel like this could have a deeper meaning behind it, too, like a more intricate theme hidden behind the simple idea of crows on a playground at night. Did you have a second meaning behind this? Or am I just reading too much into a good poem?
Going back to the review... this was kind of creepy to me. I mean, the image of a bunch of crows perched all over the playground just seems really eerie to me. So I may have misinterpreted this because of my presuppositions about crows and abandoned playgrounds, both of which are really creepy to me.
I like how before you get to the final end, where you tell us straight out that the crows are the rulers of the playground, you give hints, so that as I read the poem I could guess what you were going to get at. I totally thought pigeons though.
I also thought that maybe it would help to change the lines that start out with "Is it...." because I kept reading "It is..." which changed the meaning of the poem too. I don't know how else you could word that, but maybe something like, "Could it be..." or something like that, so that there isn't any misinterpretation.
Anyway, I hope this helps! Happy review day!