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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Hello there! Upon scrolling through YWS, I happened to come across your haikus and simply adore them!
Nonetheless, there are various aspects that may be improved, as mentioned by some of the prior reviewers.
The Positive(s) :
You've concocted three poems that string together quite nicely.
Each haiku flows with the correct amount of syllables for each line.
The imagery was quite clear.
The Negative(s) :
The final line "Like pretty diamonds" can, as previously mentioned, accidentally be strung together with the one before it "Caressing* the silky strands" to leave the impression that you are, in the end, caressing diamonds.
Marvelous job, @yubbies21! ^-^
Hey yubbies! Pix here to review for you!
I really like these haiku's! They are better than the one's I've tried to write... *Shudders* Anyways, The one I've had to say I like THE MOST would have to be this one!
I've counted all the stanza's and words in the lines, no mistakes there! Overall these poems are amazing! Keep it up and keep writing!
Hey, Yubs! Long time no see..
Euph here to review your haiku!
So, I was allured at the thought of the simplicity of a haiku about rain, such an elegant thing to write about..
I love that you can picture yourself sitting beside a window, watching the delicate tiny beads sliding both down the glass panneling of your window, as well as falling from the sky towards the ground.
Over all, I absolutely LOVE the descriptions of the raindrops falling, catching along on spiderwebs on there way to the ground, and how you described them as tiny pretty diamonds, which are both similar through grace and clarity.
Anyway, job well done!
Heya Yubbies! A Quick Critique from me to you! So, just a note from me, I'm a lover of Haiku and I simply adore people who writes one! Anyways, let's get on with the review!
CONCEPT AND THEME:
Ah, the theme of the Haiku! The most traditional ones are in the theme of nature and its resemblance or relevance to human life. The usage of the nature theme is very significant here, I can see that. And the rain theme really brings out the subject's color and beauty. I would give you a higher grade for this area, but I didn't see the connection of this haiku to human nature. Although most haiku these days relinquish the thought, I'd really love to see a modern haiku in a traditional form.
FORM AND STYLE:
You perfectly followed the tradition, I think. You didn't use any rhymes, too, so, a perfect score. 'nuff said
WORD CHOICE AND IMAGERY:
The usage of the rain theme, as I've said, gives way to a lot of vivid words. And thus, I do like the choice of words. Due to the form, adjectives can be very risky because of their syllabic numbers. But some words, like diamonds and rainbow, have images per se, so good work on using them. There is also a lot of imagery, for me, in this one, because it reminds me a lot of rainy days here.
TECHNICALITIES:
Okay, so I noticed that you seem to use Basho's style of haiku-writing wherein the last line seems to be detached from the rest of the piece. But even though detached, the line is somehow connected to the rest of the lines in some way. That's what I see in the piece.
The problem here is that the third lines were very misleading. In this stanza:
You're trying to imply that there is a rainbow, but grammatically, the last line is not connected to the rest of the piece whatsoever. Maybe this is because of the lack of punctuation. Conventions are great in poems, but the lines are very loose and proves very little connection. I know its hard to do in haiku, but try looking at what you can help to make it better!
Same prob here, but here, I think you can add an m-dash after ground to imply the description properly.
The prob before is not here. But another is. The last line should be obviously a description for the dew drops, but when I first read it, it seemed that it describes the action of caressing. Again, try your best to reread
That's all I can say now. It's a really good haiku anthology, and I'll read more from you soon
OVERALL:
Your pal,
Al
I’ll give it to you that these are simple, though inaccurate. You have the natural aspect of Haiku down, as well as the rhythmic element; however, Haiku are also very specific regarding certain words that should be used, as well as specific punctuation.
First off, check out The 500 Essential Japanese Season Words. These cover most things you’ll ever write about in a Haiku, though the list is iffy on newer things [read: industrial imagery]. If you get into the technical world of haiku, then people will actually refer to these words [and others] as necessary, but for now let’s treat that list as a “cool, I can read this in my free time” reference.
Remember earlier when I said that punctuation is rather necessary in haiku? It’s a traditional thing, but don’t get that feeling of, “oh, well a lack thereof will make me different and cool,” because the punctuation in haiku is used for emotional and rhythmic power. Have you ever listened to a famous speech? I’m sure you can recollect a moment in that speech when the speaker paused before giving off the big ticket item of his topic. This is a form of dramatic pause—a tension that works psychologically by letting the human mind anticipate the final pieces. It makes things more memorable, more impacting, and in general betters your performance ability, even in writing.
So think into these pieces and consider how you can increase your emotional impact by adding punctuation. Would it make things more inspiring? Would it even make you seem more professional? Experiment and find out.
I have an issue specifically with line one of haiku two: “Tiny little beads”. Haiku, due to their lack of wiggle room, demand attention from the writer. This is a redundant description of the beads—tiny and little adding nothing to one another. Change one or the other—I suggest “little” change to something else since it’s such an abused word.
Your third haiku is actually quite nice. My issue with this lies in line three where you bring nothing new to the image. Dew drops on spider webs inherently look like pretty diamonds, so there’s no need to say that again. Figure out how to bring something new and beautiful into the equation instead of repeating what’s already there.
Let me know if you have any questions,
-Lumi
Also, regarding haiku #3: cut your first line down a syllable, and possibly the third, depending on how you say "diamonds". I'm southern, so "diamonds" usually comes across as two, but it's phonetically three. Shape it up. c:
I think that you did an amazing job with this haiku! It really makes the rain seem so beautiful. Also, I would like to give you props for doing a haiku. Personally, I can never do those because I can never get across my ideas in such strict form or in such small stanzas. The one piece that I would like to comment on is the first haiku. I find that it is just not as descriptive or powerful as the rest of them. It seems to me that you are just stating facts about the rain more than letting the thoughts flow. I'm not saying that I could ever do any better in a haiku. But I think maybe if you change the last line it might sound more powerful. Just a simple example although it is not ver good, maybe you could say something like "Amazing rainbows". Although the wording is not as unique, it sounds more put together.
Overall I think you did a great job. I honestly don't know what you could do to make them any better. Great job!
The first two haiku are a bit uninspiring, mainly because they're not very specific. The trickiest part about haiku is creating a vivid, specific image with so few words/syllables, and that's why your third haiku is so much better than the first two. We can visualize clearly the image of dewdrops on a spider's web, as well as how they glisten in the light, because it's such a specific and distinct image.
The first two haiku (especially the first) suffer from common adjectives not really describing anything, and from having an unfocused scene. It's like having a camera lens out of focus when you take a picture. If you squint, yeah, you can see the scene, but it isn't as clear or as nice as a focused image of dewdrops on a spiderweb.
But I'm rambling.
The main point I'm trying to make is that, when writing haiku, it's very important to have a very specific scene in mind. If you can capture what exactly makes that scene so special and memorable, then you've got a strong haiku (or strong anything, really).
Wow I love this. For me, you were sitting on your porch or in the park when you wrote this, it was raining, and you found a way to express everything you saw and all of it's beauty in a few short lines. All three haiku's go together; they are about the rain and the beauty it brings. In a way, it reminds me of a prettier and deeper rendition of "The itsy-bitsy spider" song.
Good job! 5/5
I love haikus, and these are beautiful-- very poetic. Although they state outright what they are, I think it works much better that way. In haikus, I feel it is always better to be straightforward.
I can picture the rain through these. I think that everyone has a special sort of connection with rain; it's something we relate to a lot, something we tend to write about a lot. A bit of a connecting factor. Honestly, I don't know if that makes much sense: I'll just say the rain is beautiful and leave it at that.
Beautiful haikus. 10/10. I think my favourite was the the last one.
the last is my fav. too!