Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

E - Everyone

The Memory of You

by yubbies21


Is it too late?

For me to brush my fingers along your cheek,

plant a soft, breathless kiss

on your skin

and feel your heart beating through your chest.

I gather flowers every morning and scatter them by noon.

Your bones,

hollowed in the grave

turn restlessly to haunt me

remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made.

Is it too late?

For me to ask forgiveness,

Sometimes I beg for the stones themselves to cry out at me

but silence always prevails.

Echoes of your footsteps follow me

but the shadows never grow tall enough to stand

I am undone when the wind scatters petals in the sun.

Your eyes,

empty sockets in a skull

roll never-ending.

A marble in a track with no destination,

only swirling down and down

no other place to go.

Is it too late?

For one last cup of tea

steaming from the kettle

I pour two cups.

One always grows cold, goes to waste.

I pour the drink down the drain and wash its remnants away.

The memory of you is hard to bear on most days,

but today it is overwhelming.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
64 Reviews


Points: 4504
Reviews: 64

Donate
Sun May 31, 2020 12:25 am
View Likes
StarlitMind wrote a review...



Hey there!

This was such a beautiful poem! You have some really nice imagery and phrases. One of my favourite lines is "I am undone when the wind scatters petals in the sun." Your words are so unique, and emotions are conveyed nicely through this poem. It was so lovely to read it. Nice job!!

Usually I would say that having stanzas would make this poem an easier read, but honestly it seems to do well without stanzas. Stanzas would work with this poem, but I'm not sure if it would actually do anything. I guess that's just a preference, but I thought I'd point it out :)

I also have one that I would personally change. Of course, this is just a suggestion, so you don't have to do it!

"Your bones,

hollowed in the grave

turn restlessly to haunt me

remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made."

These lines are beautiful, but to me don't flow well because of grammar. There are a few ways you can change it. I'll put two below:

"Your bones,

hollowed in the grave

turn restlessly to haunt me,

reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made."

Or:

"Your bones,

hollowed in the grave

turn restlessly to haunt me

and remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made."

Overall, this is such a beautiful piece! I can't wait to read more of what you write :)
Keep writing! <3




StarlitMind says...


After posting this review, watchamacallit's review popped up, and I noticed I mentioned a similar thing about stanzas. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't see that until after and wasn't copying xD haha



User avatar
211 Reviews


Points: 14593
Reviews: 211

Donate
Sun May 31, 2020 12:20 am
View Likes
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello yubbies21! I'm here to review your touching poem, courtesy of review day!

I really love how you convey the raw emotion of heartbreak and yearning. I'll admit, it's not a particularly unique subject, but you put a lovely spin on it! There is some really beautiful throughout imagery throughout the poem, especially in lines such as

Sometimes I beg for the stones themselves to cry out at me

but the shadows never grow tall enough to stand

A marble in a track with no destination,

I personally find these lines to use really unique and refreshing language, which makes the theme of the poem more refreshing as well, if that makes sense. So that regardless of the fact that there are so many poems about heartache, the original and poignant language you use brings a new spin to the topic.

You won't be surprised, then, that I find the strongest part of your poem to be the imagery! It's stunning, emotional, unique, and just... great. I really have very little to critique about your vocabulary.

That being said, I do have one thing I'd like to point out for you to consider, which is structure. By structure I mean two things - stanzas, and line length. Firstly, stanzas. I think that for this poem it's short enough that stanzas aren't totally necessary, but I do personally believe that it could benefit from being divided into two or three parts. However, this is really a preference thing and up to you.

Secondly, line length. Having longer lines and shorter lines in itself is not an issue. However, I personally find it to take away from the poem in that there isn't a pattern or design to where the shorter lines are and where the longer lines are. This is why I would suggest stanzas, so you can see where the shorter lines are punctuating your poem. Again, up to you, but I would suggest looking at the line length and seeing if you can make it a bit more consistent.

Overall, a beautiful poem! I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




yubbies21 says...


Thank you! It did originally have stanzas but I was unable to edit them into YWS. It's been far too long since I posted here!



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 303
Reviews: 33

Donate
Fri May 29, 2020 2:28 pm
nanda wrote a review...



Hey yubbies21!
I found your piece of work a really beautiful one. Glad to be fortunate enough tto be able to read such masterpieces. I would love to read more such works from you in future. The thing I liked best about this poetry was that it was a free verse poem. I myself am a writer and love to write free verse poetries. As for now, this one is too good. Keep it up! I wish you a good luck for future!

Best wishes
Mahira




yubbies21 says...


Thank you for your kind words.




Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li