Is it too late?
For me to brush my fingers along your cheek,
plant a soft, breathless kiss
on your skin
and feel your heart beating through your chest.
I gather flowers every morning and scatter them by noon.
Your bones,
hollowed in the grave
turn restlessly to haunt me
remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made.
Is it too late?
For me to ask forgiveness,
Sometimes I beg for the stones themselves to cry out at me
but silence always prevails.
Echoes of your footsteps follow me
but the shadows never grow tall enough to stand
I am undone when the wind scatters petals in the sun.
Your eyes,
empty sockets in a skull
roll never-ending.
A marble in a track with no destination,
only swirling down and down
no other place to go.
Is it too late?
For one last cup of tea
steaming from the kettle
I pour two cups.
One always grows cold, goes to waste.
I pour the drink down the drain and wash its remnants away.
The memory of you is hard to bear on most days,
but today it is overwhelming.
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140,534 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hey there!
This was such a beautiful poem! You have some really nice imagery and phrases. One of my favourite lines is "I am undone when the wind scatters petals in the sun." Your words are so unique, and emotions are conveyed nicely through this poem. It was so lovely to read it. Nice job!!
Usually I would say that having stanzas would make this poem an easier read, but honestly it seems to do well without stanzas. Stanzas would work with this poem, but I'm not sure if it would actually do anything. I guess that's just a preference, but I thought I'd point it out
I also have one that I would personally change. Of course, this is just a suggestion, so you don't have to do it!
"Your bones,
hollowed in the grave
turn restlessly to haunt me
remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made."
These lines are beautiful, but to me don't flow well because of grammar. There are a few ways you can change it. I'll put two below:
"Your bones,
hollowed in the grave
turn restlessly to haunt me,
reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made."
Or:
"Your bones,
hollowed in the grave
turn restlessly to haunt me
and remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made."
Overall, this is such a beautiful piece! I can't wait to read more of what you write
Keep writing! <3
After posting this review, watchamacallit's review popped up, and I noticed I mentioned a similar thing about stanzas. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't see that until after and wasn't copying xD haha
Hello yubbies21! I'm here to review your touching poem, courtesy of review day!
I really love how you convey the raw emotion of heartbreak and yearning. I'll admit, it's not a particularly unique subject, but you put a lovely spin on it! There is some really beautiful throughout imagery throughout the poem, especially in lines such as
I personally find these lines to use really unique and refreshing language, which makes the theme of the poem more refreshing as well, if that makes sense. So that regardless of the fact that there are so many poems about heartache, the original and poignant language you use brings a new spin to the topic.
You won't be surprised, then, that I find the strongest part of your poem to be the imagery! It's stunning, emotional, unique, and just... great. I really have very little to critique about your vocabulary.
That being said, I do have one thing I'd like to point out for you to consider, which is structure. By structure I mean two things - stanzas, and line length. Firstly, stanzas. I think that for this poem it's short enough that stanzas aren't totally necessary, but I do personally believe that it could benefit from being divided into two or three parts. However, this is really a preference thing and up to you.
Secondly, line length. Having longer lines and shorter lines in itself is not an issue. However, I personally find it to take away from the poem in that there isn't a pattern or design to where the shorter lines are and where the longer lines are. This is why I would suggest stanzas, so you can see where the shorter lines are punctuating your poem. Again, up to you, but I would suggest looking at the line length and seeing if you can make it a bit more consistent.
Overall, a beautiful poem! I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thank you! It did originally have stanzas but I was unable to edit them into YWS. It's been far too long since I posted here!
Hey yubbies21!
I found your piece of work a really beautiful one. Glad to be fortunate enough tto be able to read such masterpieces. I would love to read more such works from you in future. The thing I liked best about this poetry was that it was a free verse poem. I myself am a writer and love to write free verse poetries. As for now, this one is too good. Keep it up! I wish you a good luck for future!
Best wishes
Mahira
Thank you for your kind words.