My goal in life is to be successful.
.
How do I measure success?
.
Some say to measure by the house you live in,
the bigger and fancier the better.
Others would suggest the cars you own,
how new, how cool, how sweet.
Some people would say the food you eat,
oodles of tasty treats, steaming on silver platters.
Maybe some would say the technology you own,
the hippest gizmos and gadgets.
Perhaps some would suggest the TV you posses,
a humongous flat screen with a surround-sound-system.
Some would measure success by your family,
a loving spouse who adores you,
a houseful of happy kids,
a bouncy dog,
a secretive, senile cat,
and a busy, on-the-go lifestyle.
.
Is that how I measure success?
.
No.
.
Success is waking to soft music
on a frozen winter’s morning,
and crisp, clean bedsheets,
the frost covering my window,
a brightly colored scarf to chase the cold away,
warm breath turning into fog,
fuzzy mittens covering my finger-tips,
a fresh batch of snow fallen to the earth,
and the pinch of red on my cheeks.
.
Success is a rainstorm
on a blustery spring day,
and the sounds of raindrops hitting the ground,
the flashes of raw energy splitting the sky,
and the smell of the cleansed earth,
the greenness of the foliage ,
all the new growth, here, there, everywhere,
the scented flowers perfuming the air,
and splashing in puddles without a care.
.
Success is a smile
on a warm summer day,
and the tickle of grass on my toes,
the perfect curve of a pale peach,
a pleasant smell wafting in my nose.
Lounging around in a lazy sundress,
a floppy hat shading my eyes,
a cooling breeze,
and the making of happy memories.
.
Success is a pumpkin pie
in the middle of Autumn,
and the frost layering the ground,
the harvest of colors,
the taste of turkey dinner,
fiery leaves dancing to the ground,
then raking them up to dive into,
the shove of the wind to tousle my hair,
and the countless reasons to be thankful.
.
Is that how I measure success?
.
Yes.
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The moral of the story is....
To be successful EAT PUMPKIN PIE!
Firstly I would like to compliment you on your message, it certainly makes a change to love poems! This certainly is a nice idea to strive for, especially if you can bear it in mind constantly as through life you march along. I also like the gentle flow of the poem, nice and restful, like a lullaby. Well done and keep up the good work!
Take That You Fiend!
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Your imagery has to be the best of all the poetry I've reviewed today, very well done indeed.
And now for the checklist:
Layout? Good
Word choice? Also good
Original? The meaning of this poem has been voiced in many poems, but sometimes in poetry the way the topic is presented is of equal worth as the idea itself; and the topic in this poem was presented rather creatively. Perhaps not in the way most would've chosen, but still good.
Grammar and other stuff? Good (bedsheets is 2 words though)
Favourite part:
Keep writing!
~w&w
I'm not sure 'sweet' is the best adjective to describe a car, I think you could find one that would work better (the other two are fine).
"Maybe some would say the technology you own." This doesn't really flow as well as the rest of your lines up until this point. It's that 'technology' that kills you.
"Perhaps some would suggest the TV you posses" This is an awesome line, but there should be another posses should be possess I think.
I love the senile cat. The 'busy, on-the-go lifestyle' feels a bit out of place though.
"the tickle of grass on my toes", wouldn't the grass be under the toes or around them? It's a minute detail.
"the harvest of colors": good imagery. "shove of the wind" I like that too.
I know it'd change the meaning of the poem, but I'd consider changing 'success' with 'happiness'. Success seems like something you win sort of. I don't know; just a thought.
Overall, I really like the poem. I appreciate the theme and you've got a lot of good imagery here.
Happy Review Day and hope this helped.
-tgirly
Yubbies21,
I just read your poem and I thought you did well writing it. I hope that I can write a good review for you. I thought that your writing was pretty good and it was actually honest. Most writers write for the sound of it but you actually wrote truthfully. That added to the poem's positive pluses. There are only a couple things I would suggest to you. I would firstly capitalize the first letter of each sentence or line because the poem looks more uniform that way and doesn't the distract the reader. Some people don't like lowercase letters for the first letter of each line. I like how you make success something measurable as if by the amount of things you have. It sounded original which makes poems unique. The poem doesn't really flow in the beginning as much, with the lines. It isn't something to worry about because this is just my opinion. But I don't really know of you need the part, "My goal in life is to be successful in life." I would suggest writing something like " Success in life is truly an achievement". Something along those lines... I like how you switch from what people think success is to what you believe success is. I have to add , however, that some of the adjectives you used aren't exactly the proper ones to use. A "senile cat" and "bouncy dog" aren't words that best describe them. Senile means forgetful or weak due to age. I would suggest you use gentle or something to describe their disposition. Same with bouncy; I would use a word like playful... These are just suggestions. I hoped that I helped you a little bit. Keep on writing and great work!
- Magenta
P.S. If you have time, could you review my poem, Mirage? Thanks...
Thanks for the review!
Wow, I'm very impressed by this poem! I think it definitely embodies the true meaning of success, a contentedness with where you are on any given day. I love it!
My only complaint is the lines where you say, "Is that how I measure success?". Both of them seem disconnected from the poem, and I don't feel like there as relevant as the other lines. Possibly, you could find another line, or even a short verse, that helps you segway between things? The same with the line, "My goal in life is to be successful." I think you could easily cut these one-liners and the poem would have a lot more impact.
Here's a suggestion: cut every one-liner except for the "no" between what some people think success is and what you think success is. This keeps the transition clear, while still ensuring that you don't disconnect from where you are in the poem.
I really like this, and great work! Keep it up, and thank you for writing!
Thanks for the review! I wasn't too sure if I wanted to keep those lines you mentioned, and your right, they don't fit very well. I'll try and find a better alternative, or just scrap them completely.