Full of hurt and fear
scrawled across
the page,
all but forgotten
in the icy hopeless rage
.
needle-points of loneliness
bore into my heart
and the endless
streams of pain
merge into nonsense
.
Darkness is triumphant
casting me
to fear,
only to be better
when you are near
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
I love this poem. I LOVED it. I feel so connected to you right now. I used to cut the same way. I completely understand what you went through. I loved the rhyming and the rhythm of your poem. Usually the lack of stanzas would bug me, but the fact that you didn't use structure just made this poem have a bigger impact on me. I think you definitely need to keep writing poetry, and maybe you should consider publishing. I would definitely pay to be able to read a book of your poetry based off of this poem. I really have nothing negative to say about this. So keep writing poetry, I want to see what else you can come up with
Hey capt. K here.
I'm proud of you for writing about this sort of thing. I know it takes some guts. Good to hear you're doing alright now.
Let's talk about this poem. First thing I'd do is cut the author's note. It's entirely unnecessary. Let your poem speak for itself.
Second, let's put some more abstraction in there, more development of your images and ideas. Check it:
So between scrawling on a page and 'needle point' you have some cool images of a pencil being used as a cutting tool, but right now it's just a whiff of an idea. Let's take it a step further. Give the pencil meaning beyond its literal use. Poetry is not for story telling. Everything you mention must have purpose beyond simply enumerating facts or scene setting or whatever. Why is the pencil important? What does it (or could it) represent? Efficiency of language is of paramount importance in poetry. If something is not absolutely vital to the meaning of the poem ditch it.
Along those lines too, let's have a look at how you convey emotion here. We have 'hurt', 'fear', 'icy rage', and 'streams of pain'. The problem here is again simply telling. Everyone knows (or at least can conceive) what those emotions feel like. You're wasting space by simply listing them; you have to expand on them, show us why those specific feelings are unique to you and your situation. Why is your pain and your rage interesting enough to put in a poem that I'd want to read? How is it different to mine or to the normal human experience? Figure those things out, then put it in terms a reader can understand. This is where the use of metaphor and simile comes into play. Let's see some more of that rather than just listing things you're feeling. Same goes for the second half of the piece. What makes your feelings and the person who makes you feel better so interesting that you'd write a poem about it? You have to work on showing us.
Good luck on the rest of review day.
K out.
Hey yubbies,
Wow. First of all, reading about what happened made my eyes tear up. I can't believe that happened to you when you were in seventh grade. I'm in 8th and have maybe 1 true friend at school, and those who pretend to be friends don't really care. But, I'm flax that you aren't hurting yourself anymore. That's always a positive thing!
Okay, so poem-wise it was full of emotion. I can tell you meant what you wrote, almost as if you were writing yourself on the page, which is what I think you really did. As painful as this was, it was also beautiful in its own way. This poem is touching, and gets its meaning across. Thank you for writing this! I'll look forward to reading more from you! Keep writing!
-FCS