Brain Tumor

Hey there! Knight Hannah here, representing the Knights of the Green Room with the third of your promised reviews.

So, what I loved when I first got into this piece was the really halting rhythm you opened with. You started with short, clipped lines that, though they didn't specifically spell out the rhythm of a heart, definitely make the reader hear that underlying steady rhythm. I loved that, because it fit so well with your message.

The first thing I had a problem with was you spelling out the problem so bluntly. Like I know that you wanted this poem to communicate the terribleness of the experience you just had, and surely saying the problem out loud "Brain tumor", should be scary, right? But it's not our experience. We are just readers. We don't know ANY of the emotion you have for this man, and so those words mean almost nothing to us unless we have an experience of our own. You have to build the emotion for us, not expect the situation to do it for us.

What was also odd to me was that the moments where you staggered the words like stairs, I think you were trying to make them feel more separated and jagged like a heartbeat, but they were so neatly laid out in a line, that the rhythm kind of washed over them and actually made me end up reading through those sections faster, which destroyed the steady rhythm you had going in the normal lines. It didn't work for me. Maybe spacing them out irregularly -- instead of in a waterfall shape -- would have the effect you were going for?

I would also, personally, recommend sticking with the scientific, concrete words that you began with: decipher, ears, heart. Turning to muddled words like "wish" and "hope" and even an abstracted "run" make the emotion leak out of the poem for me. D:

I like the premise of the last stanza though. The line "Don't know how to say it" is really raw for me. It's genuine. And I think Brain Tumor kind of works here, because that line actually already calls out the awkwardness in announcing the problem. At the same time, leaving "brain tumor" ONLY at the end would make it seem like you're trying to make it the twist of the poem, and that might come off seeming cheesy. Do you think there could potentially be a different ending beyond the one you stopped at?

Hopefully this was helpful, and good luck in the contest!
Reply to the review if you have any questions or comments.

Hi there Yubbies! Niteowl here to review for the budding library of the Knights of the Green Room!

Overall, I like this. The short, choppy rhythm seems to fit with the subject matter. The repeating lines felt a little gimmicky, but I think it worked well at creating an echo effect.

Now, what I thought fell flat was the voice. It feels rather generic, like this could be anyone talking about this brain tumor. That might have been the purpose, but the blurb at the beginning suggests that this was supposed to be a specific man. That could be more apparent in the piece itself. I know you might not know this guy very well, but you can use what you do know to make the emotions stronger. For example, he might be concerned about his family, or have some crisis of faith. This could also help create a more layered message.

Overall, this is pretty good, but I think it could benefit from a more unique voice. Great job, keep writing, and may your work reach the annals of our library!

Hello Yubbies. Jonathan here with a review for you from the knights of the green room.

Well one of my relatives got a brain tumor not long ago and died just about a week ago.

"Anyway, is this a real story" that means I really think you did good although I think you got a little cried away after you stated your main point.

Do you have the brain tumor? in your story or who because that is what the last part made me think.

I am not trying to say anything against you in your top paragraph though.

This Peace was interesting even though it was not perfectly clear. |Your repetition of words may have helped with the unclearness.|

Good luck and don't stop witting.

~Jonathan~

Hey Yubbies I thought I'd come review.

This is a very powerful piece. Is it Prose? I think so. Anyway.

This is the kind of poetry I love to review. The subject of health and disease is a very hard subject to write about. Some feel it's because some put it to lightly for fear of offending, and the piece loses it's power. Some put it too harsh to get their message across. You seemed to have veered towards powerful.

Now the format of this poem is very interesting. I'm not exactly sure of it's purpose, maybe to stick in the readers mind, and to make them remember the poem. Not much to say on the format unfortunately.

Now on content! The content is very powerful. It shows a wide variety of emotions from shock to hopelessness to acceptance. It does show the emotions you go through when you find out someone is terminally ill.

Your word and sentence choice is very important in a poem like this. Sentences like "Can't wish this all away" and "We are gonna lose you" are almost essential, because it shows your opinion. You seem very close to this man, but also might not be. I don't know because nearly anyone acts like this when someone the know is ill so I would liked to see more of how you know his individual in the poem. Although this poem is about him, you're the speaker, so we need more information.

Alright all done here Happy reviewing

Hey there! Cailey here for a review on this fine review day. All the way from inside a Green Lantern. Yep, that there is dedication.

First of all, I want to say that I will certainly add this to my prayer list. In fact, after reading that I stopped for a bit and prayed right then. I know God's got some plan, and He knows what He's doing. My heart goes out to his family and to you and to the church as a whole.

As for the poem, it was beautiful and so full of emotion. I love when I read a poem and I can feel the writer's emotions through the words. I think poetry was meant to be used to convey emotions that are too strong to understand any other way.

I love the formatting of the first two stanzas, although I would suggest maybe taking out on of the repeated words, since with four the poem almost sounds sing-songy, and this certainly is not that kind of poem.

Then you say:
"Don't know how to say it-"
And yet two lines down you do say it. So maybe change this to "Don't want to say it," or "Wish I couldn't say it" or something like that. Or maybe, I don't know. It's your poem.

Also, "gonna" sounds too informal for this piece. I would change it to "going to"

I didn't like the way you organized the last stanza, but after reading it a couple more times I changed my mind. I thought it sounded too choppy, but then the realization of the tumor itself is choppy and unwanted, and so the split words do a good job of showing that the narrator's mind is also split.

Overall, good job. Keep writing, let me know if you need anything have questions or comments or anything, and I will be praying.

Really love the sad feeling this poem gives. Excellent job done and I love it. The starting and ending are also great. I also like your unique style of writing. The flow, size, arrangement and style are perfect. Continue writing, I hope to read more of your work soon! I will pray for the man who has brain tumor, I hope he gets well soon.

Hello!

I've really enjoyed reading this poem! It's very lovely. The poem has a very nice flow!
Anyeays, my favorite part is this

'Can't run, run and hide

Or close my eyes

Can't

wish

this

all

away"

Because It's very realistic and touching. Very heart felt.

I hope to read more of your work soon!


Xoxoxoxs,

Love Katy

This poem had excellent rhythm to it and a nice personal touch, It's always helpful when you can draw from inspiration, although in this particular case it is terrible. I'll pray for that man from your church, I hope he gets well.

Hi

Very touching poem, I liked it a lot. I'm sorry about the man in your church, I hope he will get well.

But you wrote a very nice poem. It has a good flow, and you get the message across nicely. I like the different layout thing you've got going on. It makes it different and I think you used it in a good way, where it makes sense. It makes the poem more interesting.

The ending was very powerful, good job

Well done, I look forward to reading more from you in the future