it's february fourteenth valentine's day,
just smiley faces and hearts flying away.
the smell of joy and gladness is everywhere.
---------
i’m sitting here next you under the moonlight,
holding your hand so tight,
looking at your amazing eyes,
forget about all my troubles,
feel like i’m in paradise .
i remembere those moments when i was sad
the times when i lost faith
and you gave me strength
you encouraged me to realise my dreams ,
if you only know how much you mean to me.
--------
in this day ,
i don't care about the fancy chocolate kinds,
money or those red teddy bears
you’re all i need ,
you’re all i want ….
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
A great rhythm and great lines.
aww , thank you
aww , thank you
Hi,
What I'm going to do is fix your mistakes using *. So here we go....
"*It's* *February* the fourteenth, *Valentine's* day,
just smiley faces, and hearts flying away.
*The* smell of joy and gladness is everywhere.
*I’m* sitting here next you under the moonlight,
holding your hand so tight,
looking at your amazing eyes,
forget about all my troubles,
*feeling* like *I’m* in paradise.
*I* remembered those moments when *I* was sad,
the times when *I* lost faith,
but you gave me strength,
you encouraged me to realise my dreams,
if you only know how much you mean to me.
In this day,
*I* don't care about the fancy chocolate kinds,
money or those red teddy bears.
*You’re* all *I* need,
you’re all *I* want...."
Hope this helps!
Raven,
Timmy here for a quick review!
You know my style of reviewing, so I will get started right away!
Nitpicks
Ok. I can tell here that each line is meant to be a separate though, but still a part of the one before it, like a continuous chain of lines held together by a few key words. What I would do in this is just one thing: The first word of your first two lines in this start with holding and looking, but the next two are forget and feel. How about forgetting and feeling?
Hold it jusssst a second there... Your first is written in present tense, as it is happening. But the second is written in past, like you are remembering it.... Its remember, not remembered. That should clear that up!
Favorite and style
This poem is amazing! You have put a wonderful twist on Valentines Day, just like Deadman said... Most people see Valentines Day as a day for chocolate and heart shaped letters, but you see it differently. I love it! You definitely have a talent for this!
My favorite part...
This was a wonderful poem, Smiley! Beautiful!
~Timmyjake
awww, how cute. I love how you look more at the sentimental value of love instead of the gifts and price value of love. FINALLY! Someone else gets it that Valentines day isn't all flowers, chocolates, and expensive dinners.
)
Visuals I thought you did pretty good on, and the poem flows together beautifully. You created an amazing love story in only a few sentences! Amazing.
"i’m sitting here next you under the moonlight,
holding your hand so tight,
looking at your amazing eyes,
forget about all my troubles,
feel like i’m in paradise . "
This part was the best in my opinion. You gave great details as to what was going on and where the characters were. This also created a perfect visual of the charaters and their surroundings. Very cute and very romantic. I love it. (As you might be able to tell, I'm kind of a hopeless romantic
Anywway, I thought that you did really well on this entire poem. You should be really proud of yourself for doing this amazing work! I can't wait till I see more from you!
thank you soo much , really appreciate
Deadman here with a review for you! First off, I'd like to say that this is a great poem. Next, I've been expecting poems like this all day.
This day brings the poetic side out in everyone, and I can see you were no exception. I can see that there is a personal touch to it, and it's not the generic style of love. You've taken your own views of love and incorporated them into the poem, and that's what I'm looking for. Great job really!
Okay now it's time for the nitpicks. First I'd like to say, capitalization my friend! You haven't capitalized anything! Try to get about doing that. (I mean unless you're shift key is broken like mine is on my other computer....)
"forget about all my troubles,
feel like i’m in paradise ." Should probably be forgetting, and feels. Makes it flow more properly.
"if you only know how much you mean to me." Maybe try sticking to a tense here? So something like, "if you only knew how much you mean to me." or maybe even try. "if only you knew how much you mean to me." Either of those would be perfectly acceptable.
"i don't care about the fancy chocolate kinds," Kinds feels out of place, and doesn't really go there. I'd personally just remove it.
Okay, that's all really. It is a great poem, and I do like it. Of course it just needs some work, but nothings perfect eh? (Except maybe who this poem was written for ^_^) Until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
thanks for your review , i'll work on that