It’s been a time
I knew you
Being afraid
From falling to you
And end up broken
when you go
stares,, looks, glares
and here’s comes a chanse
i got it
i won a date
stares, flirts
great night
fancy place
fantasize, but try to hide
in minutes Freak out
When you gently
Place your hand over mine
Tired and bored
But Try to hide
You offer a ride
And say don’t bother
Late that night
I say it’s over it’s over
I need to forget.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello, darling! Here to review, of course, so let's get to it!
First of all, I feel like the obvious has to be pointed out: You have a lot of grammatical and spelling errors in this piece, which detracts from the overall quality. For example, after every comma, you need a space, which is sadly lacking after most of your commas (but, for some reason, can be found before some fo them). You have erratic capitalization that looks completely random, and it's very distracting for a reader to go from one section that has every line capitalized to another with nothing capitalized to yet another with random capitalization -- you catch my drift?
Oh, and I honestly invite you to explain to me the purpose of the bolded statements over each section, because they seem to serve zero purpose except trying to explain to the reader what to feel or what the speaker is feeling, which should not be necessary in a skillfully-executed piece. It's irritating for a reader if you speak down to them, or even if they feel like you're speaking down to them with these bolded pieces.
As well, none of your lines really seem to make sense when they're all put together. I don't get it. I mean, I get that you're telling a story through the piece, but at the same time, I don't get why you have this seemingly-random assortment of lines that are all pushed together with the weird capitalization and the weirder punctuation that overall do nothing for the reader, they're just words put together.
Keep writing!
Hello
Sybil here...
.
I'll just say that I really liked it. The precise choice of words that were just right to feel that lingering and lonely feeling of this narrator. I could sense the sadness and the struggle of his trying to suppress his true feelings. It has such a bitter sweet melancholy feel to it that it's hard to ignore and NOT feel any sort of empathy and sympathy for this.
Just double check that spacing and...somehow wording in the first few lines. But that is all I can see a little out of place of it
Anyway, you did a great job with this one! Thanks for the good read!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
thanks for your review,i'll edit those parts
I Like this alot, very good.