Young Writers Society

Sorry smile, I can't review this. This is just epic! I'll point out my favourite lines and mark this as a comment.

The stars , the moon and the rain ,

Drew the best painting up in the sky.

your absence ,

was throwing me to the circle of sadness ,

i was fading like a piece of ice when the sun shines.

Feeling like my heart will crumble.

How i rub you out of the leaves of my memory,

Timmy here for a quick review!!

When I see anything that you wrote, I have to like and review it! Its always so awesome! This one was no exception. Beautiful story, wonderfully told, with plenty of vivid imagery to let me see everything, and yet not cluttering the page with useless words... I think I am going to overuse the word beautifl in this review, so you will have to forgive me.

First off, I think I will hit my nitpicks, and then I will hit the spots I liked best.

Nitpicks

I will try not to double over the review Dory gave you, and focus on my own points.

The first thing I will point out here is a lack of formatting. While this is completely up to you and sometimes isn't necessary, I think it is on this poem! Maybe you could split it up into separate stanzas? Just a thought.

I was thinking about you,

Lots of thoughts about what to do. ---I think you need to re-word this line... Perhaps adding an and? And perhaps also taking out lots to maintain the flow. The final line would be: And thoughts about what to do

was throwing me to the circle of sadness ,

i was fading like a piece of ice when the sun shines.

---These two lines, and several others, are written in the past tense... While others are written in present tense. This poem seems to me like we aren't following her through her day, but more like just seeing her thoughts as she lay in bed --Not a nitpick, just a comment

it’s been a long time without you ,

when you’ll come back to me ? ---The second line needs a will after when

The sound of the falling rain,

stole my sleep away. ---Wonderful imagery and perfect flow. I can relate. I live in like a rain forest, so the rain is constantly keeping me up.

I was staring at your picture on my table,

Feeling like my heart will crumble.

How i rub you out of the leaves of my memory,

And you’re in my heart like engraved wood ?

The stars , the moon and the rain ,

Drew the best painting up in the sky. ---Another spot where the imagery is amazing!!

I love this poem.


It is truly unique.....I could relate to it.


I loved it.


You have talent, keep going and don't lose that spark that makes you who you are.

No matte what anyone says.

This is amazing.

I loved it.
It's very unique and something that I wouldn't normally read but it drew to me and I loved every word of it.
There are things that could be changed and things that can be tweaked but in my eyes I don't care. Look past the minor mistakes in life and look towards the bigger picture.

Heya smile! I just realized that I've never actually reviewed any of your works so here I am! Have a cookie and settle down in that squishy chair -- yes, the one in the corner by the bookcase. Thank you.

Let's get started!


Technical

I went to bed in a winter night.

This should be "on a winter night."

The sound of the falling rain,

stole my sleep away.

A comma is not needed between "rain" and "stole." I really, really liked the image you create here. The idea of the rain stealing your sleep away is very unique and beautiful!!

But why do i keep thinking you’re near?

OK, so the "i" here should be capitalized, and there should be a "do" before it.

I
Love
This!
It's so cute!
You have some real talent here!
Keep it up!