It’s all started in the middle of nowhere,
i was staring at those scared souls ,
those people with a blurry vision,
lots of weakness , lack of dare.
I always feel invisible,
when they pass next to me,
they’re like shadows in a nightmare,
black and pessimistic .
I was trying to hold my breath ,
hoping to get some strength,
but all I can see or hear,
is their pale faces ,
and the hollows in their hearts.
The spark of happiness ,
which filled the space of their heart once,
gave up , and flew away,
and no one , no one tried to make it stay..
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello smile! Here to knock this out of the GR.
I think this would be better if you swapped the bolded phrases. I personally would just stick with "those scared souls" because it's prettier than "those people" but if you want both, putting the simple one first then the second will work better than how it is now.
Instead of a comma, try a conjuncting word, like "and".
Describe how the narrator holding their breath will give them strength, because I'm confused.
The forming of this is weird. Perhaps match the sensory actions with each other? Like: see - pale faces. hear - hollow hearts. The way you have it is odd.
Hearts*
Okay, so I'm not liking the constant commas. There is almost one after every single sentence. Consider removing some of them. Make them into sentences or something, but there's too many commas.
Other than that, this is really good! I love the message you told, with the story of these souls and the happiness that's gone. You used some pretty strong and beautiful imagery here, and it was really nicely done. Overall, this was really good. I enjoyed reading it! It can do with some work, but it's nonetheless very good, so thank you for sharing this with me. ^^
Hi!
I'll begin by saying that the emotion in this poem is well written and I adore you for that.
I'm not sure if you meant to start this poem off with "It's all started" because I think it's a wonderful play on syntax, but if it isn't, I'd recommend keeping it. Although I think you should find a different way of saying "in the middle of nowhere" because that phrase has such an empty meaning now that it's been overused and it doesn't do this poem justice.
The "i" of the next line should be capitalized and I'm not sure if you meant to make the punctuation the way it is with an extra space between it and the word it is attached to, but if you did, try to keep it consistent because you only follow that pattern half the time and the other half you have it without the space.
I think this poem would benefit from separating the stanzas into two quatrains (four line groupings), the next five line poem, and a final quatrain.
I love the theme of isolation you explore here, but I don't feel like you quite connect it to the feeling of emptiness that the speaker feels. Your word choice like with "scared souls," "pale faces," and "hollows in their hearts," is good but it isn't enough for this poem. Try to create images with your language and explore different ways of describing these feelings. I find it helps the poem out when you use juxtaposition (two contrasting images/things/feelings/etc that create one unique image) because it becomes something else that will better capture the mood you are trying to get across.
For the lines "but all I can see or hear,/is their pale faces ,/and the hollows in their hearts." doesn't work that well because it makes it seem like you can hear "pale faces." I would recommend rewriting it as "all I can see if their pale faces/all I can hear is the hollows in their hearts." I actually think this is your strongest description.
As a final note, I'll leave you with some advice: a poem is moved along with concrete events/images, even if what you're trying to convey is something abstract. Use the senses like touching without feeling, seeing without registering, hearing without listening, tasting without pleasure, etc. to make the reader see the desolation and hollowness of the poem.
Keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.
Capitalization doesn't matter in poetry. I or i, it's all the same. ee cummings himself did this,and this,and annoying thingslikethis. >_>
kl
I didn't mean the comments as grammar errors, but errors in consistency. Remaining consistent in poetry is important because differences alter the meaning of the poem.
And I have to disagree that capitalization doesn't matter in poetry because it can be incredibly important in some poems. Although I do appreciate you stating the freedom there is in writing poetry.
Happiness is hard to find. Life is not always easy. But it will get better.
Find the one who makes you happy, and don't let anyone bring you down. Be Brave.
~Sparkles