"how heavy this world is "
said a green paper that bowed her back ,
a drop of water .
-----
turning the page
going out of the tiny cage .
finally , freedom light .
-----
autumn naked trees
summer cool breeze
winter snow on hills
spring colorful flowers
it's nature leaves
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hey there, smile! I'm here for another review, and I don't really know how long this will be, so how about I make a cup of tea in the meantime? Would you care for a biscuit? Just sit down wherever you want -- the kitchen counter, the sofa...
Wait. Not there. That's the dust--
*WHOOMPH.*
--bin. *coughs*
Moving on.
Technical
OK, so while all of your poems were beautiful, I don't really think they would come under the category of haiku. You see, haiku are short poems that follow the traditional 5-7-5 syllables pattern, and they generally present the reader with an image. Now, you've got the image thing down, and your imagery is really beautiful. All you need now is to nail the technical stuff. I understand that the 5-7-5 thing might not be clear, so here's an example:
So it's sorta like a beat. Like clapping your hands to each syllable.
Or, to put it simply:
I hope I was clear with what I was trying to say, but if I wasn't, then you can read up on haiku here: http://www.poetry4kids.com/blog/lessons ... e-a-haiku/
In a nutty nutshell
You have talent. Obvious, flat-out talent. And while this isn't really haiku, not all haiku follow the traditional pattern either. It's just us stuck-ups who insist on meter. Everyone has a different way of perceiving beauty, and you obviously have a good idea of what kind of matter a haiku consists of. Overall, lovely poems, and I look forward to you posting your next haiku, whenever you do!
Keep up the wondertastic work! Keep writing!
And don't let the frown get you down.
Cheers,
~Pompadour
I never understood what haikus were for.
But you seem to have made great use for them here.
I will analyse each one individually. So..
1) '"how heavy this world is "
said a green paper that bowed her back ,
a drop of water.'
= Good personification, the interesting detail of the green paper is one of my favourites (has a green obsession)
2) 'turning the page
going out of the tiny cage .
finally , freedom light.'
= Hmm. I can't actually tell whether this one is connected to the first one or not. But it seems to suggest some form of hope or freedom thematically. I like it. Like a new start. Very fresh and exciting.
3) 'autumn naked trees
summer cool breeze
winter snow on hills
spring colorful flowers
it's nature leaves'
= Ok. The last line is grammatically incorrect I think. It should be 'nature's leaves' to indicate possession, or it should be... er, something else. I am confused now. But it doesn't read right, and because it's so short it kind of overshadows the rest of the haiku.
Otherwise, you have some very interesting ideas here.
Strange here, and I have a review for you!
I'm not usually a big haiku fan, but I did like this trio. I'm going to collectively give my thoughts on each one.
The first one, as it took me a while to figure out, I did like. A green paper, for some reason I was thinking of leaves, a drop of water, shows how flimsy it is. How one small drop can be extremely heavy. Close? Probably not. Next one!
Is this a carry on? I'm judging this as separate poems. The second poem somewhat confused me. It really helps in theme, but left me confused
The ending made me realize that the first haiku really related to the last poem. No matter what time of the year it is, its still heavy. I really did like that.
Overall, Great job
Strange gives you...
8.9/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay groovy