Playing with the ring,
Placed on her thin finger.
Lots of memories comes across her mind
Those best moments in her life
Freedom and youth
Questions comes in hurry
Doubts started to rise
The fights inside became heard
A home with no joy anymore
Ignorance selfishness
her heart dont belong to this
it never did
Like a new born bird
Lost his way
Long nights
Wiped away the sleep and yet
The beauty out of her face
No solutions ..
How finding ones when it's one of two
Children like the little bird
Or a women free and heard
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you hurt you or make your story seem bad or demean it. However brace yourself for impact regardless of what I have stated. That said . . .
1. What I liked
I think this was beautiful, and certaintly has a lesson, for all of us. It was actually neat.
2. Flow and Style
Alright your style was fine i'm really here to offer som suggestions. So lets get started shall we? First off we have this stanza-
Lots of memories comes across her mind
I think this could be better said. Try lots of memories cross her mind. Or take out that lots. It might help it to sound better.
Secant
The fights inside became heard.
Okay this also could be better said, in away that could make it a little more clear what fighting you mean. I don't have any suggestions as to how you could reword that.
The stanza after that also could be reworded.
3. Word usage & Style
Okay take out that dont from her heart dont belong to this. That doesn't seem vauge. And I don't think this is just me that words like that work on poems.
4. Emotion
Okay this is pretty good and all but you could use more emotional words. More impactful words that is.
5. Encouragment
This is pretty good! Keep on writing!
6. Overall
Overall I think this was pretty sweet and thoughtful.
thank you for the review, it was helpful ^^
ps; english isnt my first language soo that might explain some stuff
Hi! Manilla here for a quick, now-rare review. Let's get right in it, shall we?
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This seems like a thoughtful, even nostalgic poem for me written in a simplistic but sweet manner. Quick note:You switch tenses throughout the length of this poem, and it becomes confusing in that way.
Did you mean: "Memories come across her mind"?
Same as above. Did you mean: "Questions come in a hurry"?
her heart dont belong to this"
Suggestions - Comma between "ignorance" and "selfishness. Capitalize the "H" like you have been this throughout poem - And don't forget to change "dont" to "didn't" if you are working in the past tense.
Since you used the "yet" conjunction, something's gotta happen to "the beauty of her face". Did it have "no solutions"?
I read this line a few times and I still have trouble finding out what it means.
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Alright! I'm finished. For me, the meaning of your poem was hidden under a blanket of small errors that you could easily fix with more practice and revision. You also stray away from the girl you mention and swim around somewhere else.
This seems promising!
-Manilla out
(feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. that was not my intention.)
thanks a lot for the review ^^
You're very welcome!