youth
as the time stops for a moment
i take a look as i comment
"i love it here, the joy seems permanent"
not knowing what's there to wait for
but even wanting more
"may this happiness last forever"
not knowing what's there to expect
until i bumped into the truth
the hypocrisy, the injustice that's undercover
the mask took too long to fall
i thought maybe i'll wait for a bit
but making a decision
jump to the conclusion
heading to the "exit"
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Wow, that is a nice representation of reality, always thinking the world is good, that others know more, and always producing the result that is dissapointment, only in seeing for yourself what is true will you ever move on in finding yourself. Nice job, hope to hear more in the future. :3
well thank you
Whoops wtf did I do
what!
Sorry, accidentily resent my first reply XP
hhhhh ohh wow didn't notice that ....it's ok
Hi there smile! Katja here to review your poem! Feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make should you find them unhelpful! That being said, onto the review!
Overall Opinion & Interpretation
Your poem seems to be about the sad reality that not all good things last and the world is full of hypocrisy and injustice. Though, your lines seem to jump from one point to another, so the message isn't 100% clear. I do like this form of poetry, where it is almost like a 'train of thought' however, a clear message is still important. I did enjoy your poem though
Suggestions
This opening word doesn't seem to connect with the rest of the poem at all. Or, if it does, its relevance seems to be unclarified.
I suggest correcting this as "not knowing what there is to wait for" because as is, it feels like an awkward statement, "not knowing 'what is' there to wait for"
Same thing, "not knowing what there is to expect"
Additionally both lines still seem confused in their wording. Not so much so that I don't understand, but just enough that I'm not sure if it does the poem any justice in terms of clarity.
These three ending lines are very disconnected and jump right to the end without a CLEAR ending. I'm left confused and uncertain as to what I just read in its entirety.
Overall, the poem is not bad at all, I really enjoyed a lot of the way you worded things and the message, If i'm correct, is a sad reality. However, your poem lacks much needed clarity. I would work on improving that, but other than that, this was a really interesting poem and I enjoyed it! I look forward to reading more of your work!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Wow, that is a nice representation of reality, always thinking the world is good, that others know more, and always producing the result that is dissapointment, only in seeing for yourself what is true will you ever move on in finding yourself. Nice job, hope to hear more in the future. :3
thank you, really appreciate your comment
Np
Hey, there! Raven here for a review!
So, I really like the idea of this poem, especially the line "the mask that took too long to fall", but it does need a bit of work. The flow of the poem is hard to follow, especially at the beginning, and the lines don't all fit with each other. For example, you begin the poem with simply the word "Youth." This could be used to create a very powerful follow-up, but then it seems to lose significance. You never address why you use the word, instead moving to a new topic: "As the time stops for a moment/I take a look as I comment." This third line sparks an entirely new question: What is the speaker taking a look at? Try to address that and the word "Youth" before you go further into your poem in order to clarify and make things more obvious to the reader.
Another thing to watch out for is dialogue. Dialogue is a fragile thing in the world of poetry; it can make the poem better or it can feel a bit extra. In your case, I like what you're doing with it but it feels a bit like the poem is being interrupted. Is there a way you could incorporate the speaker's thoughts without such an abrupt change? Perhaps try to make the dialogue a little more imagery-oriented or more "poetic."
Overall, your concept is good but the poem lacks clarity, focus, and rhythm. Rhythm isn't always necessary, of course, but it might make this one a bit easier to grasp. As for focus, it seems to drift from line to line, and it's hard to follow what exactly the poem is about. Review your poem from an outside person's point of view, if you can, and try to think of what might make the poem more solid.
Thank you for reading this review, and keep up the hard work!
Regards,
RavenLord
thank you so much for the review, i have a problem with making the lines more like connected and linked ..it's like having a flow of ideas without knowing how to get them tegether or something. again i appreciate your effort
No problem!
i forget to mention that i'm arabic lol ...i just love to write stuff in english soo i'm not a writer
Well, your English is very good! I wouldn't have been able to tell that it isn't your first language if you hadn't told me.