"Run!" Wold shouts up to Katya! "I will try to hold them off for a bit."
Katya breaks into what seems to be a full fledged gallop. In case you have never been on a galloping elephant it is about the farthest thing from pleasant that I can imagine. It's like being on a trampoline and everyone else is twice your size so you have no control over how you are bouncing. I nearly vomit as Katya takes a sharp turn. I briefly sense that we have passed through the gap and are now running through a clearing.
"Can't you go any faster?" RP asks behind. Inwardly I groan. Despite the fact that adrenaline is coursing through me, I can tell that my foot is throbbing with pain. Every time a muscle in Katya's body moves I feel a stab of pain jolting my nervous system.
"I am doing my best. How is Wold doing?" Katya asks
"Not very good. She is constantly having to dodge that knight's spear... er, lance."
"What about the man on foot? Is he giving her any trouble?"
"No, I think he is back a long ways. He didn't look very threatening anyways."
"It looks like there is a large river ahead!" I think that we will need to cross it. I am hoping that we'll be able to cross it. Hopefully the current won't be too strong for me, but it will be strong enough to keep that man and his horse from crossing. I just don't know if I will be able to do it with the two of you on my back!"
"What about Wold," I ask with no small amount of concern.
Everyone is silent. I almost wish that I hadn't said anything. It was something the three of us hadn't thought of. She was barely able to dodge out of the way and delay the knight behind us. She was doing everything that she could to help us, but to no avail.
We are now only about half a mile away from the river. We traverse several fields with vegetables and other plants in them heedless of the damage that they might be causing to the farmers. Still no one replied to my query.
"Cross the river while you still have a chance!" Wold shouted, seemingly in response to me.
"We can't just leave Wold by herself," I say. There isn't much to it, I just am not going to let Wold fight by herself.
"Why don't you try to pick of that may, or even his horse? We are within bow range of him are we not?"
"Yes, we are, just let me get it. But what about the rest of the soldiers a few hundred feet back?" We had hardly thought of them in the confusion to get away. Suddenly my heart stops. I can't believe what I have done. "RP, I think that I left my bow back where I injured my foot."
RP's head snaps back from looking at the soldiers. "You did what?!" His tone clearly indicates that he is furious with me. "How... what are we supposed to to now? This means we have to get across that river. If we don't we're dead meat."
"What you don't think that the four of us can't handle a dozen or so soldiers?" Katy asks with a hint of disbelief. I can't help but feel like glaring at her.
"Really Katya," RP begins, "all that we have in the way of weapons is my sword. Wold has her teeth and you have tusks, but I am sure that we won't be able to keep them off for long."
"Ah, but I have a plan. I just now remembered something that the Author said do me. I didn't think about it very much at the time, but now I remember it. He said not to get too near any horses or else I might spook them. I think that might work to our advantage in this situation, I can't believe that I remembered it. All we have to do is charge straight at them. Supposedly the horses don't like the smell of elephants.
"I don't like the sound of doing that too much, but if you insist then I suppose we could try it. I would rather die honorably than die being chased by soldiers who haven't even got a real reason to be causing us trouble."
"I just hope you don't die because you are crushed by a dying elephant," said sardonically.
"We are coming back to help you," Katya shouted back to Wold, ignoring my quip.
Katya skidded to a halt and wheeled back to face the oncoming horsemen. The horsemen shout in confusion, or so it seemed. I am sure that the last thing they expected was to face an angry elephant with a dwarf brandishing his sword confronting them.
"What in the name of the Dark Wolf are you doing?" Wold shouted.
"I am charging them! Their horses can't stand the smell of me!" Sure enough, one of the horses reared up and threw off its rider, despite the greatest efforts of its rider to stay in the saddle. "And I think it just might be working too! Come on and help!"
Wold dodges a javelin thrown at her by one of the soldiers and dashes under Katya and then jumps up at one of the horses, spooking it. Two of the horses are now riderless, and as third is out of control thanks to efforts of Wold, but now The rest of the horsemen are skirting round us. I can tell they are trying to surround us, but I am hopeless to do anything. I momentarily consider jumping off of Katya and retrieving a weapon from one of the dead soldiers, but I discard the idea. I might damage my ankle even more.
"Katya, could you stop so that I can get off of you to fight on the ground. I am a dwarf and I don't feel comfortable fighting on a moving object. I am sure that I will be able to do more damage there."
"I don't really think that I will need your help. Half of the enemy horsemen are in confusion."
"I know, but the other half are out of your range if we let them roam free then they will be able to move around us and pick us off with their throwing spears or bowmen."
"Fine, if you insist then I will stop, but you better make your mission quick or else that bowman will be able to injure me or Racen."
Katya jolts to a halt and RP jumps clear or Katya landing solidly on his feet. The standard method of getting off an elephant is to slide the rear of an elephant using the tail like a rope to slow your fall, but RP is concerned more with time than protocol. Besides, that is the way my ankle was injured.
In a short amount of time Katya is surrounded by the remaining horsemen. I have a few close run ins with arrows fired at me and spear be thrown recklessly. After on of the latter I duck and then raise my head to see what is going on.
Wold and RP are fighting valiantly on either side of us. Katya, seizing the moment charges at the man in front of us. I try to warn her that the bowman will shoot Katya, but in the noise and confusion my voice doesn't carry to her ears. I watch helplessly as she bravely charges with bowman with his taut string pulled fully back. Too late she realized her mistake. Since the bowman was dismounted she assumed that he had lost his seat and would be too disoriented to put up any resistance, but she failed to see the bow he was pulling off of his shoulder.
"Katya! Watch out!" As the words roll of my mouth the man releases the arrow. In a flash it enters Katya's throat. With a loud trumpeting sound that can only come from a dying animal she stumbled forward. Inadvertently I am thrown from my seat. For I second I am relieved that I have been saved from being crushed be her, but a second later my body tells me otherwise.
~~~
I wake up in my bed with a terrible head and a throbbing pain in my ankle. Wait, that doesn't make sense. How could I be in my bed. I have never slept in a bed. That doesn't make any sense. I look around and find myself in a dark room. All the lights are out. I must be in a prison. But that doesn't make any sense. What is going on? People don't put beds in dungeons. I also feel bandages on my body. It doesn't seem like a person who is imprisoning me would bandage me up with such care.
I vaguely remember hearing a few voices at one point, but I thought that I was dreaming. The voices seemed to be kind and worried, but then when I tried to tell them I was fine they faded away. Ever since then I stopped dreaming.
I try to sit up in bed but my back protests and my head begins to throb painfully. I try to recall what happened, but nothing comes to mind. I think that I broke, or at least injured my ankle when I fell off Katya and then someone was chasing me. That must have been where I got the idea of being taken to prison.
As my eyes grow accustomed to the dark I can see a nightstand on the left side of my bed and a chest at the end of the room. The moon rises and bathes the room in light. I can tell that it is about four in the morning. Like most elves I love to study the night skies. I try to make out a few of the constellations but with the small size of the window and my lack of mobility I can't see very much.
All of a sudden the events of that afternoon come back to life. No! Katya! She's dead the bowman shot her and I was hurled off of her to the ground. No wonder my head hurts so much! I lay there in bed and wait for the tears to start flooding. How could she did?! She was such a good companion! What will I do without her? Even though I haven't known her for all that long it seems that I have grown quite attached to her. I really didn't even get to talk to her at all. I have only been with her for a few days, but I can hardly bear to lose her. It may not seem like it but she was really the vital link in the chain, she was the only one who didn't seem to be against me. I mean Wold wasn't really all that hostile, but she just went by her principles. Katya was just a fun person to be around in general.
"Oh Katya! What will I do without you," I mumble incoherently. For a while I lie in bed until eventually I cry myself to sleep.
~~~
When I wake up a short figure is bending over me. Immediately I notice that the figure can't be RP it doesn't have a beard. Who is that? If it isn't RP then who else could it be? I am obviously not in a prison so RP and Wold have to be around somewhere!
"Look! The elf is awake," the little person said.
"Don't shout, Hazel! You wouldn't want to startle her!"
"Who are you?" Racen ask. She almost sat up in bed, but thought better of it.
"I am Chicory and this is Hazel. We generally go by Haze and Chick though."
"And to answer your next questions about where we are and what is going on, you are in a hobbit village and we are sheltering you and your two companions," Hazel continued. "The dwarf is still a sleep and the wolf is up at the top of the hill. She is quite saddened by the loss of your elephant friend."
"Yes, it is a terrible loss I didn't really know her all that long, but Katya always had a smile on her face, if any of us ever needed encouragement she is the one to give it!"
"I am sure that she was a noble creature," Chicory comforted.
"Yes. It is a shame that she had to die in such a way I hardly even got to know her. Then she was killed but someone who gave us no warning. If I hadn't made a stupid mistake then she would still be alive."
"Well, I guess it's too lat to worry about that too much right now, eh?" Hazel said.
"Hazel! Where are your manners? You ought to know better than to blurt out something like that! That isn't the way to comfort someone who is grieving! Racen, I apologize for your loss and my son's rudeness. I am afraid that I cannot do anything to help you aside from dealing with your physical needs. If there is any thing that you need help with, just let me know I am ready to help.
"Secondly, I am afraid that I don't know who it was that pursued you, but there is a patrol of ten Hobbits that was sent out early this mooring. My older son went with them. We hope to find and at the very least impound those renegades. There have been multiple raids on the village in the past couple months, but none of them resulted in death. Almost every time the bandits came we were able to flee."
"It is fine. There isn't much that you can do for me. If I would have had the presence of mind to grab my bow then I would have been able to save Katya!"
"Listen, I am sure that if I were in that situation then I would have reacted the same way. You just can't blame yourself for something that is beyond your control.
"But that's just it! It wasn't beyond my control. I should have easily been able to same Katya. Even the threat of being shot would have been enough to save her! Instead I had to be an idiot and let her get killed. RP will never forgive me for that. Not that he really ever cared all that much about her, but he will probably chide me for not remembering to get the bow."
"You just rest here and wait for me to wait breakfast, okay. Hazel will be more than willing to talk with you if that is what you desire, but don't blame yourself for the death of another. That is the worst thing you can do."
I slump my shoulders and close my eyes. All of a sudden I feel a sudden was
Be of lightheadedness come over me. I almost with that sleep or unconsciousness would overtake me again. I feel like a physical and emotional wreck.
"So, where were you headed when you were attacked on the road?" Hazel asks. I sense a hint of suspicion in his voice. "It is a rare occurrence for one of you elves and s dwarf to be coming into Arsham. You must have a good reason to keep such strange company."
"Well, we are on a quest of sorts. We had directions to this hobbit land. Now our quest is over though. Katya was the one who had the instructions. They were all in her head. It isn't as if it really matters all that much now..."
"Do you know what you end goal is?"
"No. Katya only told us about this instruction. Beyond that I am afraid that I know nothing. I don't rally care though now. I am too sad."
End of chapter
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,074 Reviews
you have
a lotsome ty- mistypes. I'm to tired for a review.Hello r4p17!
I honestly don't know what you were going to say here, this sentence just seems really incomplete.Not Katya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D,':!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm done grieving now. But I'm going to miss her. I found several typos, but I'll just point out the one that I noticed the most:
Also, Hobbits! I think it's great to see hobbits in here, they fit in perfectly. I'm really eager to read the rest of the chapters, sorry I'm late in reading them, I haven't really been reviewing much lately. But I'll catch up XD.
See you!
~Kelpies.
Heya pretzelsing here for a review,
I actually approve of the plot twist that Katya died,because it puts a spin on the whole story.Katya is the only one who had the instructions in her head, and without her,there seems no way of knowing where to go.My reaction was, this was realistic that someone died,because usually in battles like this there are loses on both side.With all of that said, I still couldn't feel the emotion of Racen realizing that Katya was died. Like,oh yeah,Racen was sad and guilty,but then I can't really relate to this very much.
Hmm, maybe elves feel emotions differently?Maybe they don't cry tears(or maybe they do and you didn't show it?) I am pretty sure that you could do a scene with Racen's hidden emotions and inner guilt if you wanted to.
Two things here. How does Wold shout "up' to Katya? I understand that she is much taller than a wolf,but still, where is Wold right now? In close enough range for him to see Katya clearly? Also you don't need a exclamation point in the sentence after "Run!" Wold is just shouting,nothing that much exciting.
Wait a second, Racen has been on a trampoline before? Whaaaaaat?
Is Racen an expert in science, using "nervous system"? What about if you just write "nerves in my leg" or something like that <,<
Show,not tell.How did this man look non-threatening? Is he carrying weapons?Walking slowly?
Question mark at the end of the quotation.Also, isn't Racen and Wold like close friends on this journey? How can she not care about her friend? Is she really so selfish that she just throws the question out on the table? Like Noelle said,I think that you need to phrase this differently,or you meant to describe it differently.
I don't think that Racen has done something.The problem here is what she didn't do. She forgot to bring the bow and arrow,so that's what she has not done.Also I want Racen to have a stronger reaction to this.The suddenly that you threw in at the beginning of the sentence makes it just seem random.Also the phrase "my heart stops" is very cliche. I would rewrite this whole sentence to make it stronger.
Okay so two small things. In that sentence you repeated "to to" and I think that you meant to say "to do". Also with ellipsis you have to write it like this:
"How . . .
Because that is the grammatically proper way to do it.You have to have one space from the word and then one space between each dot.
Who is this Dark Wolf that Wold is talking about. Is that like someone that she worships or just a name reference for slang/swearing?
It should read: "for a second".
You need a question mark at the end of the first sentence. Also I was shocked by the second sentence.Did Racen really never sleep in a bed?Weird,or maybe she has slept in it but in another world? If she has never slept on one then why does she with familiarity state "my bed"?
Again,how can Racen tell what time it is? I don't know why but I still don't really understand that.Maybe make it a little bit less specific and give it a wider variety or hours. For ex. 4 or 5 in the morning(or what ever other number you can come up with).
That second "of" makes the sentence sound choppy.
Run on sentence so a period is needed.
Wait a second,there are two things that are bothering me here in this sentence.First of all,how does does Chickory know Racen's name? Hazel is a Chickory son, a boy
When I read that the first thing that I thought was, so untrue. No two creatures, like Racen and Chick would ever have reacted the same way.Never.Plus I am pretty sure that Chick doesn't know all the details of Katya's death and she has probably never been in this situation.This isn't comfort to Racen,it's falseness.I would delete this whole sentence.
Alright so overall, there was so many grammatical errors here,and I am not going to point all of that out.I believe that Deanie nitpicked a lot for you too.You have to edit and at least proofread all of this to check for typos and spelling mistakes and incorrectly used punctuation(which you had a lot of here).Just read it and perhaps run it through a spell-checker.
I felt like the battle was too fast-paced and too little description.Here is one of times where it's okay to be gory and show blood and wounds and weapons so that the readers wince and literally look away from the computer screen
Poor Wold,how she must be feeling,sitting on a hill and howling to the moon for Katya. I think that Racen should show some concern for Wold and RP, not only for herself.Doesn't she care if RP was severely injured(and he might have been since he was just sleeping).Just a suggestion.
Anyways,that's it from me and I hope that this review truly helps improve your writing!
Hi there! Noelle back again.
This makes it sound like Racen doesn't care about Wold. I think you meant to describe it differently.
You forgot to say who said this
The fight scene is written very well. There is a lot going on in the scene, but you balance it all well. We get to see what each of the characters are doing to help as well as the impending danger. There's a certain urgency in the way you wrote t which fits well with the feeling of urgency of the actual fight. We see the characters butting heads again, trying to agree on the perfect plan to fight off these soldiers. Each one has a different idea of how the fight should be going and they try so hard to combine their ideas.
One thing that's a bit confusing about this fight though, is what Wold is doing. I know that she's staying behind to fight, but she seems to be right there with them. Is she actually wrapped in a battle with a soldier or is she just running behind them protecting them if need be? And if she'd right there, she could've easily jumped onto Katya's back and ride across the river. Wold just seemed to be a bit lost in all of the action.
The second break in the chapter really isn't needed. It's at the part where Racen remembers what happened and cries herself to sleep. Since she falls asleep, we know that time will be passing so it acts as its own break. You, as the writer, don't have to tell us that.
Awwwwwww! I don't know why I think that's so cute... I guess I just like the names ^_^
Wait, what? Katya is actually dead? D: This is terrible!
Another good chapter here. I'm a bit surprised that you opted to skip the ending of the fight by knocking out Racen, but I guess it turned out okay. I was expecting her to help fight even though she's injured. Guess not. It's always hard to write those scenes where characters wake up at some place that they don't know and with some people they don't know, but you handled that well. Racen was so upset about Katya anyway that she didn't really have time to worry about the new people around her. I hope that RP and Wold are okay! I don't think I can take any more bad news about this fight :/
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi r4p17!
It's so terrible that Katya had to die, especially as all she tried to do was rescue and look after her friends. If anything, I think RP would say it was an honorable death. And of course it is also going to be hard on Racen now as she thinks she is to blame for what has happened. I feel like we're going to get a few emotional scenes in the chapters ahead now! I will say that you wrote the battle scene very well and we could sense their desperation as they tried to fight back and escape. This has definitely been the most action filled scene in the novel so far! I wonder what the next chapter is going to bring, and I look forward to it.
Well, it looks like I may have fallen behind a bit here but now I am determined to catch up! I reread the previous chapter to refresh where we were in our memory. And wow, this chapter is sad
When Wold says she is going to hold the bandits off, Racen doesn't say anything but acknowledges this and turns to the next thought and speech. I felt a bit shocked about that. If that was the case with me and my best friend said they were going to fight I would wonder what they had over me that would make them better to be in that position. Or I might even protest and then notice they have already begun the distraction or something. I just felt like they let Wold take the brunt of the weight too easily without a spare thought for her welfare, or do they just assume she is strong and smart enough to take care of herself? Then that would also need a quick mention, I think.
Hm, RP asks from behind what? I felt like this sentence was a bit unfinished because it wasn't specific enough
You repeat the word pain pretty close together here. You could probably cut the word from the first sentence by just saying 'I can tell my foot is throbbing.' That way you could avoid the repetition.
When I write and speak I often say anyways and add unnecessary 's's onto the end of words. But actually that is slang and not correct. So try and not include it in your writing. It should be 'anyway' and 'way' instead.
I think if you read over this you can see the repetition in there as were. The whole using 'cross it' twice, and then you have hope and hopefully which are basically repeating in their own way. But the thing about this is that everything you say in these three sentences you could probably say in one alone. And when it comes to writing you should cut out anything excessive and basically try and narrow it down to words that need to be there and matter. So maybe this could become something like 'I think that we need to cross it, and I hope the current isn't too strong for me.' Or you could make a different sentence, that is up to you ^.^
The second 'to' was meant to be a 'do'. (Reading through this I realized how many little typos there are! When it comes to posting, maybe read the chapter aloud on time before you post. I say aloud because then you are more likely to find your own mistakes and also see how things work when it comes to rhythm. Printing it out is even better - but let's not waste any paper
I think you meant 'to' instead of 'do'.
I think Therese found the majority of these, but this is a question so it needs that all important question mark at the end
This was just one of those sentences where I leapt on it and thought, this is the perfect time to have some show and not telling! Add in some great descriptions! Wouldn't it be awesome if you described the feeling of the bandages before we realized what they were? We could have Racen feeling all the pains and hurts, but then also feeling something scratchy and slightly uncomfortable rubbing against her skin every time it shifted, right before she realized it was a bandage. Or something else. But it's a great place to insert some more description. Keep looking out for sentences where it can be possible, because having lovely descriptions sprinkled everywhere can really make a story come alive.
I think meant 'a' instead of 's'.
Toward the end of the chapter you had a lot of dialogue and a lot of it without tags. It was hard for me to know whether it was Hansel or Chick speaking. Make sure you add some more tags in there so we know who is who ^.^
I felt like we also need some more description of where they are. I mean. Racen must be inside a hobbit house, or hut, or whatever they live in. And I am curious to know what the inside looks like! I am sure that in enough time we will see the outside. But the inside of a house and what they own or keep really can reflect a bit more on the characters who live there as well. So by having a fleshed out description there it will not only add to the setting, but the characters as well. It's merely a suggestion, but I hope you do opt to include some more in there
I think I have given you quite a bit here to work with! A lot of it is about descriptions and nitpicks though, so it shouldn't be too much to edit. I hope you keep on writing this and that I can catch up soon enough. I like these later chapters a lot, we have a lot of action and some more characters being introduced which is always fun. I best get on with reading!
Deanie x
Hey, R4! Wolf here for a review.
What is this?? Kill all of Wolf's hopes and dreams day?!! D: Katya noooo! Oh it's so sad. Sorry, enough of my grieving.
So this was probably one of your better chapters. I was mainly captivated in the action of the scene, there was a good flow, and just event one after other leading to... This. Why did Katya have to die D:
I'm interested to see how will the other characters be reacting to this? Obviously Racen feels remorse and guilt for being 'an idiot' and forgetting her bow, but how could she know? I really liked that twist in there, because it just made sense. She was worried about caring for her ankle, her bow was the last thing on her mind.
I feel like RP would just move on, thinking that if he dwelled on it too long he'd be thought of as weak, but Wold would be more open? She did know Katya the longest, since she walked in with her. I guess we never really found out if they had any history or not.
Now that I think about it, I notice that Racen doesn't seem to cry out much. It seems rather odd to me. And by cry out, I mean in pain. When she sprained her ankle, she just sort of dealt with it. Most people find it hard to contain such pain. And then here everything aches, so I guess it's not sharp pain, but still. Something to think about.
The stakes have just been raised. Since I haven't read this in a while, I've obviously forgotten that Katya was feeding them instructions on their quest, but wow. Why wouldn't she just tell them the goal? Wouldn't that be a fail safe incase they got separated or something. Clumsy Katya. Well, now she's dead. And I'm going to go cry for the second time tonight. Awesome job once again! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thanks for the review. I think that there may be a little bit more of Wold's reaction in the next chapter, though it might appear subtle.
I am glad that you liked this chapter. I am glad about the emotion that it elicited in you. I think I need to work on it a little bit more in the future though. Anyways, I felt that it would be a good place to throw in a little twist. I needed something of consequence to happen at some point and this was a good place to start the action!
Hi, r4! Cricket here for a review!
) I didn't feel like I was sitting on the couch, but rather on a elephant. I'm serious about that, I could very clearly envision myself on an elephant, and feel it while I was reading. That was pretty awesome.
I kinda thought I'd do this for review day, even though you decided to skimp out on it. xD Naughty, r4. NaNo isn't more important than review day.
My first thought was that this flowed extremely well. There were very few typos and hardly any clunky dialogue. There was the occasional bit of dialogue that was a tiny bit clunky, but I'll go into that later. What I'd mainly like to talk about was the feeling I was having while reading this. (I'm all into feeling when reading, by the way.
I also liked how you mentioned how he'd left his spear behind! Now they are most certainly going to die if they don't make it over the river, and that adds a bit of suspense to this chapter. And then as I keep reading I see that Kayta gets shot? What does she think of this, may I ask? I can see that they realize the consequences of leaving their weapons behind... Not very nice. Also, rather sad.
Whhyyy is there an exclamation mark after the dialogue tag? Tsk tsk...
Comma after inwardly.
No quotation mark needed here, as you're going directly into some more dialogue.
Since this is a question, there should be question mark instead of a comma.
May should be many, I believe.
Hmm, this seems pretty bland. Why not spice it up with something? Facial expressions, actual internal thought? Just something to make it seem more emotional.
This happened one or two times throughout the piece, so I figured I'd use this one as an example. It's technically against grammar rules to use two points of punctuation after a bit of dialogue, or anywhere for that matter. Just isn't grammatically correct.
This is an example of telling and not showing. Show me how he's grown attached to her. He can remember things that she's done, remember what she's looked like, what she would sound like, and so on. Make us feel emotional over her death, not just "meeeh, an elephant died." Not very emotional at all, as I wanted to feel something a bit more than that. So show us how he's attached to her, and don't just tell us outright.
She was the one to give it. Kayta is dead, therefore she is past tense, and not present.
I would have preferred idiot to be in italics instead of caps. All caps seems kinda unprofessional to me. ^ ^
Okay, I think that's all from me for now. There were quite a number of typos, but not really that many. A quick edit will fix it!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the review! I am glad you liked it. But you are confusing me a little. Are there a lot of typos or aren't there?
I would also kind of know what you thought about Katya's death. Did you think it was well written or not? I kind of threw it in there to twist the plot. I would like to see what you thought of it aside from it being sad.