Three hours later we enter a rocky defile. The ground is strewn with boulders of various sizes. A number of small shrubs crop up, but other than that it is completely devoid of vegetation. I examine it thoroughly. I am a little worried by the total silence that seems to permeate the entire area. I guess I have grown so used to the sound of chirping birds in the forest that to not hear it seems foreign.
"We will break for lunch at the end of this gap. It is already past midday." RP's voice trails off as we hear a sudden sound that broke the silence.
I turn my head and gaze in the direction where the shout came from. I can feel Katya's spine shaking. I can sense that she is alarmed by the noise. Elephants have very sensitive ears.
"Where did the noise come from?" Wolf's voice drifts up to us from below.
"It was... oh about thirty or forty feet off to the left. It sounded like a man crying out in terror, though it seemed strangely soft. It might have come from a dwarf or a halfling. I can't tell."
"Let's head over and see what it is, but keep your eyes peeled for trouble!" RP ordered. "Why don't you keep an eye out in our rear, Wold. I will keep my eyes peeled for trouble off the path. Racen, you'd better keep your bow unstrung with an arrow knocked to the string."
"What makes you so sure anyone is in trouble?" Wold asks. "They might be been hailing us."
"I don't know. But it sounded more like a cry for help, at least to me. Besides who would be hailing us? We are in the middle of nowhere! In addition to that we are complete foreigners to this world! It is likely that we will run into trouble sooner or later."
"I think that I can see a man on a horse!" Katya interjected. "He is making gestures at a man. The man appears to be of an inferior status. I think he might be a miner. He has a strange looking tool slung over his shoulder."
"That's a mattock, Katya." RP explains. "It is a..."
"I know, I just couldn't remember. Should we stop and wait for them to make a mover or not. If we keep going forward I think you two better get off me. I can't move very well through the dense forest, especially with both of you on my back."
"We will not be able to move further without being detected. I think Racen and I can move through the forest pretty easily without being detected. You and Wold can wait back here. If I give you a signal Wold should come. If I shout back to you saying that everything is all right you can both come. If anything else happens that you seem as dangerous, you had better hurry to our aid. Not that I expect trouble from that man on the horse, not to mention the peasant, but still, when they see both of you, they will be scared off pretty easily."
Wold, who I perceive has been thinking says, "What will you do if you can't understand what they are saying? Will you come back to us and hope we can get away undiscovered or will you try to communicate to them with hand gestures and so on?"
"I hadn't given it any thought." RP admits. "I guess we will leave them alone. Now that you mention it, it is likely that we won't be able to hear what they are saying. Most likely they won't be able to understand the Käman Language. I guess I will decide that when the time comes.
"I figured as much!" Wold replies. "I hope that they do speak the same language we do, but we should be prepared for whatever might face us. Now you might as we get off Katya and into the forest."
RP and I crawl across the back of Katya and slide down her tail. My feet make contact with the ground at an odd angle and I reel backward. In a second I land on my back and a spark of pain travels through my body. My ankle in particular hurts. I am afraid that I have injured it by my carelessness.
"Are you okay?" Wold and Katya exclaim simultaneously. I simply groan in reply.
"From the look of it you rolled your ankle, Racen. So the answer would be no. I hope I can set it in place." RP kneels down beside me and gently takes my boot off.
"Ow!" I say, almost yelping. "Try to do it a little more gently."
"I am trying to!" RP says. I can tell the stress brought upon by our any travails is taking its toll on all of us. I bite back a sharp reply and resolve to bear the pain.
"I know. I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. Just get it over with."
RP fumble around trying to fix my ankle, but every time I try doing something it hurts me. I recoil in pain jerking away from him.
"If you don't let me try what I can you won't get any better. Even if I can't fix it, it is worth the try. Now put your foot back and I will try to be more gentle."
I glare at him, but In the end I give in and let him try again. I wish he would understand that I don't have as high of a pain tolerance as he has. I am not a dwarf like he is. He doesn't seem to care about me. He is probably totally ignorant as to what he is doing and he is just tying to fix my angle so he doesn't have to hear me complain.
"I'm afraid there's not much I can do." RP says in a defeated tone. "I don't think that I have much skill. You will just have to bear the pain until we get to a more civilized place. "Now try standing up. We will got through the gap and then have our meal there."
I knew it! He has no idea of what he is doing. He was just trying to make himself look like he is trying to help me! Then he doesn't even have the courtesy to help me up like a gentleman!
"What about those two men over there?" I ask RP "They might be able to help us!"
"I don't think so. Like Wold said, they probably don't even speak our language. Even if they do, who's to say that they would know how to help us or even want to help us?"
"It's worth a try, don't you think? I won't be able to walk very far with this ankle and it will be nearly impossible to mount Katya again. What if I injure it even more in the attempt?"
"We have to take some risks you know. If that means you hurting your foot as opposed to having to deal with those two men and possibly more, we will just have to wait until we make it somewhere that has a physician that can heal your ankle. I'm afraid that you will just have to live with it! Now, I will try to help you over to one of those boulders and get on top of it. You should be able to get on Katya's back without too much difficulty. I think that we will come to civilization in a day or two. There is a river marked on the map the Author gave us. I am sure that there are towns and villages along it with trading posts there. They should have some sort of doctor(s)."
I sigh and reluctantly agree to the plan. I am glad that the boulders in the gap are in such a convenient location. Without them I don't think I would ever be able to make it onto Katya's back without significant assistance.
With my right arm resting on RP's shoulder in place of my injured ankle I am able to walk to the boulder. I am forced to band over slightly because RP is only a little more than half as tall as I am. Our progress seems as slow as a turtle, but at least my foot only causes me slight pain when I set it on the ground for a little support. After two minute of slow progress we finally reach the large rock.
"Let me try and pick you up." RP says to me. "I'm sure you won't be able to get on the rock without me." I look at him skeptically with narrowed eyes.
"I think it would be a better idea for you to get on the rock I will put my good foot on it and then you can pull me up." It is big enough to fit both of us on top."
"Alright. That would probably work better." With an inaudible grunt he steps onto the rock and positions himself so that he can us his strength to his best advantage. "Let me know when you are ready."
Placing my foot on the rock, I reply "I'm as ready as I'll ever be! Pull away!"
RP's muscles tense as do mine. In a second I am standing on top of the rock. I feel I sharp spike of pain from the sudden jerking movement in my foot, but overall I feel pretty good!
"Alright, Katya," I call. "I'm ready for you now!"
"Okay!" she replies. She briskly trots over to the rock and scoots as close to it as she can.
Katya's back is about two feet above the rock. With RP's support I am able to swing my left leg over Katya's back and sit down comfortably without hurting my foot.
"Aikam!" a voice behind me shouts. "Wouv ger!"
As a javelin files through the air and nearly pierces Katya's ear RP shouts, "It is that man on the horse with a dozen soldiers! Let's get out of here! Before they catch us!"
A startled Katya starts galloping away; in her shock RP nearly is left behind, but he just manages to jump on.
"What was that for?!" RP complains!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hiya! Time for a review! I saw mostly a couple of typos...oh wait.
"I am forced to band over slightly because RP is only a little more than half as tall as I am."
bend over.
"If anything else happens that you seem as dangerous, you had better hurry to our aid."
"see" instead of "seem"
"We will not be able to move further without being detected. I think Racen and I can move through the forest pretty easily without being detected."
You seemed to overuse the word "detected". Try a synonym for it instead.
"Should we stop and wait for them to make a mover or not."
It should be: "Should we stop and wait for them to make a move or not?
That was pretty much it. I'm reading the next chapter! Good job Arfour.
I am going on to the next chapter since you have here about 6 really awesome reviews!
Hi there! Noelle back again to review. You know the drill
The more I read on, the more I notice that there's a big focus on time in this novel. Like in only the second paragraph here:
They're already thinking about lunch after they ate breakfast three hours ago. Of course time is going to be important because they're off on this adventure, but it gets really repetitive after a while. You're focusing so much on the timing that we're not getting as much of the story as we could be getting. That's obviously something you'll have to think about when you go back and edit the entire story. Timing is great, but it's not a necessity to always mention it.
I think you planned out these characters very well. At least what they're good at. You have four characters with four different strengths and personalities. It's especially apparent in this scene when they're going to see what the man is up to. RP is handing out these instructions and it occurred to me that they are the perfect companions for each other. I bet the author, or just you
Well, that we kind of just thrown out there. What kind of language is that? Is it the language that RP speaks? Up until now, I hadn't thought about different languages and such. I just assumed that everyone spoke the same language, especially the four of them. Now there are different languages and these strangers might not be able to understand them? I think that could warrant some explanation. It'll also give us a better idea of what this world is like.
Just a quick comment here. Rolling an ankle is different than dislocating it, which is what you've made it sound like. When someone rolls their ankle the pain will go away quickly. She'd just need to walk it off. Take it from someone who has had a million ankle injuries since she was 14 :3
So, I've come to the conclusion that RP is really a good guy deep down, but he has a bit of an attitude that keeps other people from seeing the real him. You've done a great job with him. There are definitely two sides to him and you've been able to show them both wonderfully. It's almost like he can't decide whether to be a friend or a demanding leader and we get to see the decision making process all the way through. Maybe he'll never be just nice or just bossy in the end. But we get to see him work it out for himself.
The 's' in the parenthesis is a good trick to use in essay writing, but it doesn't really work in creative writing. It implies that there may be more than one of something. Writers can find ways to make that obvious through their words instead. Besides, there's really no need for more than one doctor in Racen's case. RP would only be hoping for one doctor.
Whoa. That escalated quickly! xD So Wold was right, those men don't speak the same language. I'm impressed that you're able to come up with a completely different language like that! I can barely come up with names for cities, much less an entire different language. And now there are all these soldiers that are chasing after them.
These soldiers seem to come out of nowhere. I can understand them coming up quickly, but the way RP says this makes me think that he knew the soldiers were there already. Maybe instead he could look back at the man and then jump back as he sees the soldiers approaching? Just something that will show that he's surprised that there are soldiers as well. Otherwise, like I said, it seems like he knew they were there all along, which they weren't.
This chapter definitely raises a lot of questions, the main one being what kind of place are they in where people throw javelins before they know who they're throwing at? xD But seriously, that man threw it very quickly. I thought he'd at least take the time to figure out who the four of them were before attacking them. Now it's one more thing for me to wait for in later chapters. I like that; leave us hanging and wanting more. It keeps us reading!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, R4! Wolf here for a review.
Of course as Thesere mentioned, there is quite a bit of tell here. As a result, the flow begins to become more choppy and harder to follow as easily. For instance, the descriptions in the beginning of the chapter are good so we can grasp what's up with their surroundings, but they still have to flow together. It moves straight from boulders to little vegetation without a transition between them and it feels little off.
Another instance where this is, also in the beginning. Racen says she can sense her alarm, but how? What does Katya do to give Racen the hint she's alarmed? Does she tense up? Crouch down low? Is her trunk raised aggressively? Does she stand back and try to avoid running? Little things like that.
Now that I've reached the end... Woah, hold up. When did that man have dozens of soldiers? Last thing I remembered is he was talking with a peasant. And that was it. Where did all the soldier's come from? And more importantly, how did RP know about it if we couldn't see it? I'm just a little confused on that.
But, I am still intrigued. What do they want with Katya? She's just a poor, sweet little elephant who wouldn't hurt a fly. Maybe they are poachers? What ever the heck is going on, I'm very excited for it and I did like this chapter a lot. Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thanks for the review. I am sorry about this being choppy. The next part is sooo much more interesting! I will try to work on this chapter a little bit more!
About the twelve soldiers, I didn't mention them because they were hiding in the woods. I left that detail out. I guess I could have done a better job.
sorry I couldnt review this! I got so busy.... I'll review the next chapter, I promise! This was really good btw!
Ping!Here to remind you that you never reviewed the next chapter.
But I did... I've reviewed several of his chapters.
Hi R4p17!
Well, it's always good to see you have posted a new chapter! And you already have such brilliant reviews on this one, I may have to keep my own answers fairly limited, seeing as there isn't really much left for me to say.
I am beginning to dislike RP more and more as these chapters go along. I feel like he is selfish and just as Racen is trying to describe him as: someone who is only thinking of himself and sees the group as an inconvenience instead of a team. I hope Racen confronts him on the matter soon because she is the one injured here and yet he doesn't quite seem to be taking her best interest at heard, and if he is than he has a very funny way of showing it. He also always sounds mean and snapping, and attitude in a group can matter a lot. So yes, I do hope he gets confronted pretty soon and the argument and his actions can be resolved. I don't want to dislike him, but I do.
Seeing as the rest of this story is all in present tense, I think this should be 'breaks the silence' instead of broke.
I don't like the repetition of those three words at the end of the second sentence, which are also in the same place of the first one as well. Maybe change the end of the second sentence to something like: easily without anyone knowing you're there.
Remember to make sure the chapter more than us just running through the motions and actions they are doing. In this case I don't mind because they are making an important decision and then we get to see her ankle hurt. But it is just something to bear in mind for future posting.
Nice ending~ It's always great to leave some action for the end.
Let me know whenever you post another chapter!
Deanie x
Hello r4p17!
two errors here, mover, I do believe you mean move. And for the other error, it needs a question mark.Haha, I didn't know that RP complained! XD. Great chapter, can't wait for the next one. But, this was not without error:
I'm pretty sure this was autocorrect or something...
I'm pretty sure you meant strung, as appose to unstrung.
Ankle?
Bend? If you wanted some more variation keel would also work.
As I said before, I'm pretty sure most of the errors were autocorrect's fault. And it was a nice chapter!
~Kelpies.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Whaaaaaaaaaat? Are they trying to hurt Kayta? I can see that you definitely went for a cliff hanger here. Also, a very good one in my opinion. Made me curious, as to what going to happen next really. Although, I'm not sure Katya will be able to outrun a horse.... (no offence to Kayta, of course)
One thing though that I really don't like, is all the telling and no showing. I mean, duh, you're going to have to do some telling, but doing hardly any showing doesn't slice it. For instance here...
This is an example of telling and not showing. Show us that the MC is worried, don't just tell us. It sounds boring, not to mention that I, the reader, don't exactly feel that he is worried. I'm more like, big deal... you don't seem that worried. So you would try and show through example and maybe some internal thought, dialogue, and just overall example really. Just remember, that you are trying to excite emotion in the reader, but you are not there to give them the facts. Make sense?
You are missing a comma there. xD
Even though I think this information is important, it does rather seem like an info dump. Just saying something like that, right out of the blue, just makes it sound like an info dump. Also, it doesn't really have a place right there, I don't think. How about you either say this later, where it could be brought up, or earlier in the book as well?
It was tempting, OK! Just another missed comma is all.
Typo
You mean see?
I'm not sure if I've ever talked about this before with you, but I figured I'd make sure. And seeing as you did it two or three times here, I figured it wasn't a typo. xD When going from dialogue, into a dialogue tag, you always have a comma, not a period. So where it is in red, is how it should be when going into those dialogue. Don't worry about it too much. Everybody makes that mistake sooner or later. Just write down a note on it, and research it some, if you want to be sure.
even her greatness makes that mistake. That would be me, btwTypo
Missing quotation mark here.
Whaaaaaaaaat? This sounds like it came out of a dictionary. Either you write too many essay's, or you aren't feeling well today. xD The first line in particular I wasn't really sure about. I mean, why can't you have it to where you talk about he gets down on the ground, and then next moment he finds himself lying there, with a busted ankle, in excruciating pain, ect,.. Would be more sudden, and perhaps get more sympathy for the MC from your readers.
Typo
You mean "many", right?
Hold it. Every time RP does something, or every time he does something? This just doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, he's supposed to be sitting there, not moving, right?
Overall, there are quite a number of typos, but that can be easily fixed with a quick run through. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to do some quick research on how to do action. Throughout this I wasn't exactly getting the impression that there was anything big happening. More like somebody was mapping out what was going on. Like a list sorta! The easiest way to get rid of that, is to try and create a more vivid picture. Like you could bring in some more visual description by using the Five Senses more. I mean, you can always describe some smell, taste, and feel while doing the action. Would create a broader picture, and help us see more into what the character is doing and feeling. So yeah, try and work on the visualization more.
One other thing that I'm not sure about is the characters dialogue. Half of it seems rather childish, while the narration doesn't. Now the narration seems like he is a walking dictionary most of the time, while the dialogue almost seems like one of a child. I'm not entirely sure what your intent is on that matter, but some working out of what they're supposed to be like would be cool. Cause I don't think you can have both, childish and dictionary at the same time. You have to have a clear style of sorts with this is what I'm saying.
OK, I think that's it from me! Hope this wasn't too harsh.
Keep writing! You got this.
~Cricket
Thanks for the review! I really did do a terrible job of writing this chapter! Everything was to stiff and choppy! I need to redo this chapter. As in edit it and rewrite a lot of the scenes. And I see I am telling instead of showing! You were not too harsh! I AM GOING TO GO CRAZY AND START EDITING THIS COMPLETELY. THE REASON I AM USING ALL CAPS IS BECAUSE I AM UPEST AT MYSELF BTW! I WILL HAVE TO WORK ON THIS A LOT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Three hours later[,] we enter a rocky defile.
I examine it thoroughly. I am a little worried by the total silence that seems to permeate the entire area. I guess I have grown so used to the sound of chirping birds in the forest that to not hear it seems foreign.
The small sentence "I examine it thoroughly" sounds awkward and choppy. I suggest to leave it out completely, unless you want to revise it.
"Where did the noise come from?" Wolf's voice drifts up to us from below.
I'm positive instead of "the" it's that.
RP's voice trails off as we hear a sudden sound that broke the silence.
Just wondering- does RP stand for anything? If so, would it be R.P?
I turn my head and gaze in the direction where the shout came from. I can feel Katya's spine shaking. I can sense that she is alarmed by the noise. Elephants have very sensitive ears.
Once again, this seems awkward and choppy, perhaps you could connect "the spine shaking" sentence and "alarmed by the noise" sentence with a semicolon since it is extra information on a related topic? (Did you get the name Katya from KatyaElephant? xD)
"Why don't you keep an eye out in our rear, Wold.
This would be a question, would it not? (Or is it a question-demand thing? lol)
Let's head over and see what it is, but keep your eyes peeled for trouble!" RP ordered. "Why don't you keep an eye out in our rear, Wold. I will keep my eyes peeled for trouble off the path. Racen, you'd better keep your bow unstrung with an arrow knocked to the string."
It annoys me a little you used "peeled" twice, I suggest you should use something else like "open" or something like that.
. Racen, you'd better keep your bow unstrung with an arrow knocked to the string."
This annoyed me so much when I read it.. it's very awkward. Either take out "unstrung with an arrow knocked to the string" or revise it completely. If you read it a couple times, perhaps you'll see my point?
He is making gestures at a man. The man appears to be of an inferior status. I think he might be a miner. He has a strange looking tool slung over his shoulder."
Think about this- would somebody actually talk like this in real life? If they did, they'd probably sound like a robot. Instead of saying "the man" again in the second sentence, you should replace it with "he" and you should also connect the first and second sentence.
"It is a..."
"I know, I just couldn't remember. Should we stop and wait for them to make a mover or not. If we keep going forward[,] I think you two better get off me. I can't move very well through the dense forest, especially with both of you on my back."
When somebody is interrupted, you'd actually do: "It is a-" and than the other character would speak. And what do you mean by "should we stop and wait for them to make a mover" do you mean move? How the heck are people on her back? Is this the elephant talking? I'm confused.. xD
If I give you a signal Wold should come. If I shout back to you saying that everything is all right you can both come. If anything else happens that you seem as dangerous, you had better hurry to our aid. Not that I expect trouble from that man on the horse, not to mention the peasant, but still, when they see both of you, they will be scared off pretty easily."
Put a comma after "If I give you a signal" and would somebody really say "If I shout back to you saying that everything is all right you can both come" I don't think somebody would say the part "saying that everything" and it's actually alright.
Thanks for the review. Just to let you know, it might help if you use this code when quoting the chapter!
[quote](enter text here)[/quote]Thanks