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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Typo Alley~Q Part One

by r4p17


"Cros!" Aiey yells. "How did you get here? We thought you might be gone forever. You look terrible."

"I'm starving. It took me hours to travel from the next island over to here. It wasn't easy, even by manipulating the air. I flew and it felt amazing, but it strained me, though. I'm hungry and incredibly tired. I'm sure I've never been more drained in my life."

"You mean you flew from one island to another?" Aiey asks. "That . . . means you must have been using magic for a long time."

"About an hour or two. It's hard to say."

"That's impossible, especially at your age."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures. Now how about some meat?"

RP hands him an extra slab and Cros snatches it eagerly. He tears into it, even more eager to get food into his stomach than Wold was when she ate her raw meat. He even looks like an animal and doesn't seem himself. In my memory he has never behaved like this. He's always calculated and slow, but now he seems much less cautious. I'm not sure whether or not I like him this way. I know that being cautious isn't always a good thing, but the sudden change worries me. There's something off about all of this.

"Is he just hungry, or do you think there's something else up with him?" I whisper to Wet. "Maybe it's just me, but he doesn't seem like himself. I'm worried it's something more than him being tired and hungry. It's as if he's become a different person.

"I'm not sure, Racen," Wet whispers back. "He does seem different. He always is different when he goes to far using his powers. What worries me is that one he will push himself one step too far and then he will be beyond redemption."

"What will happen then?"

"None of us know certainly what will happen then. Aiey has seen him at his worst before, but even she isn't sure what will happen. I suppose he will try doing something crazy like Sebler has done. I don't think he's that far gone, however. Not yet. But he might not really be okay for the next few days. It's hard to say for sure. Things involving magic can be tricky.

I sigh softly and return to eating the hunk of meat in my hand. My appetite faded when Cros arrived like tide receding from the beach. Now it's come back, though it isn't quite as intense. The fact remains, I can't let so much good meat go to waste. That would be a shame.

"May I make a suggestion?" RP asks, quickly receiving our consent. "I say we all go to bed early. It's been a long day, and tomorrow could be just as long or longer. We should have short watches of two hours so none of us are too tired out. I'll be first and Racen and Cros will be last. The rest of you can choose what you want."

Everyone agrees, and I make some quick calculations. I won't be on watch tonight, but I will be on the first or second shift tomorrow night. Hopefully first, because that means I'm more likely to get a good night of sleep both nights in a row. Regardless of what happens, I'll be glad if we are left unmolested during the middle of the night. I'm afraid that if we're attacked, Cros won't be able to keep up alive

I shiver at a gust of cool wind passing by our camp. It's interesting how the wind is a naturally occurring phenomenon. No one knows where the air comes from or goest to, but it is an ever present force of nature. What drives it? Is there some hidden figure high above the send and around the world. Perhaps there's some great mage behind it. No one knows, nor will anyone ever know in the future, most likely. Not in this world. Perhaps, the Author, but he doesn't exactly count since he doesn't live here like we do.

The world would be quite a dismal, boring place if there were no wind. The temperature would be stifling on hot hot summer days, but it would make life nicer in the winter and storms like the one approaching us would be far less frequent.

With a grunt, I settle down in a spot a respectable distance away from the fire. We don't want to present ourselves as easy targets, and it would wear RP out to maintain an illusion the entire night long. Still, I miss the warmth of the fire.

"What do you think Sebler's next move will be?" Wold asks.

"I don't know," I reply hesitantly. "I have a feeling he won't expose himself for a while, especially if he learns Cros is back, but I may be wrong. I think his next move will be to send his huge army at us. It's the logical thing to do, at least."

"Why do you say that?"

"He will want to tire us out at much as possible and give himself as much time to rest as possible, that way he will be able to unleash his full power against us later on. No matter what we do, until his army is fully eradicated, we remain at a disadvantage. But while he has it, it's quite possibly his greatest asset. At the same time, he won't want to waste it."

"But you said it is his best asset and he wants to wear us out as much as he can. I don't follow you."

"It's not that complicated, really. He does want to wear us, out, but he knows he can't win with his army alone, though he might come awfully close. The danger to him is that while we will simply grow tired his army will die off. The longer they are engaged fighting us, the more of them will die.

"I still don't understand. I know it sounds heartless, but why does he even care about how many of his men die. They are just a tool in his hand."

"Why did he even bother amassing a large force like that if he didn't need them? He's afraid. I think Sebler is basically a bully. Bullies tend to be cowards at heart. He doesn't want to risk dying."

Wold snorts. I can see why she's disgusted. I am too. But I'm too tired to care any more I just want to fall asleep.

***

I wake up early in the morning to RP's urgent touch. Everyone else is already up, aside from Cros who is rubbing his eyes sleepily. He looks like he's feeling better today which is good because I'm not. I have a terrible headache. Sitting up causes a wave of shock to come over me. I sit there for a few moments until it passes by and then attempt standing. It doesn't work very well. A wave of lightheadedness sweeps me off my feet. Literally. Then I convulse and through up.

After recovering, I allow Borin to help me up. I still feel sort of sick, but at least I'm up. That's a start. The sun has just started to peek it's head over the horizon, but I feel like I could sleep for another two or three hours. I didn't feel tired last night, but now I feel terrible I wish RP would have just let me sleep. If anyone tried to kill me, my skin would just grow back.

"Are you okay, Racen?" RP asks. "I've never seen you like this."

"I've never been like this, silly. I think I used up way too much energy yesterday."

"What exactly is the matter?" Wold asks.

"I have a headache." I grimace at the noise of someone crashing through the bushes. "It's a pretty bad one and it makes me feel weak and lightheaded. I think I might be able to walk in a minute, but I still feel like I'm ready to throw up. I just want to go back to sleep."

"Not to bother you too much, but we kind of need your help right now," RP replies, his tone of voice short.

Opening my eyes, I'm glad to find no danger in sight. I close my eyes and try to put everything away from my mind, but I still feel pretty bad. The headache doesn't seem to let up. I you would just go away, headache. With the knowledge that my friends need my help, I feel sick, but instead I let go and focus on breathing.

"This can't wait," RP continues. "Sebler's army is closing on us. Wet saw their scouts approaching, and I scared them off for a bit, but they will be back. I can imagine that madman, Sebler, driving them like a slave gang. When they get here, we will need your help and protection."

"I'll do my best," Cros croaks. "I know I went to far yesterday, but there's no other way to beat them back, is there."

"No," I reply. "I'm not going to let you do all the work. It isn't healthy for you, mentally or physically. I might not be much better off, but two of us is better than one."

"Fine," Cros replies. "But I don't like the idea of putting a lady like you in charge it just isn't right."

I grin. It's good to have Cros back. He's so eccentric. The fact he said something like that means that he's himself again. I just wish he were a little more normal like Wold.

"The fact that I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't defend myself."

"We'll see about that," Cros replies.

"Stop arguing and get into your positions," RP replies. "Walk until you arrive at those two pines, Racen. If anyone crosses the illusory barrier I create, kill them. I really don't care how you kill them, but make sure they're dead. Hopefully Sebler will realize quickly he's not going to get past us. The faster we convince him he's wasting the lives of his men, the less energy you and Cros will spend and the more you will have when you face off against him.

"How is Racen supposed to kill them?" Cros asks. I chuckle at the confused look on his face.

"You'll see," is my simple reply.

He frowns, and RP gives me a friendly nudge. Forward. It's time for me to get into position.


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 3:13 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, again!

I've already explained the way this will work, so I'll just get right to it.


I flew and it felt amazing, but it strained me, though.

Both "but" and "though" indicates that the clause after the comma stands opposite the two before the comma, so using both is unnecessary. I recommend keeping "but", although you can ditch it and use "though" in its exact location instead.

None of us know certainly what will happen then.

This is a synonym for "definitely" and "exactly", and though those options would have worked, "certainly" itself just seems off. If you want to keep the certain part, rather say "for certain", since that more accurately conveys what you mean.

I shiver at a gust of cool wind passing by our camp.

If you were going for personification, "passing by" might have worked, but seeing as that's not the case and the wind can't go for a walk, you might want to say something like "blowing through". It pays to know when you can treat inanimate objects or concepts as if they were human. (There are some typos later in the paragraph.)

The world would be quite a dismal, boring place if there were no wind.

There is such a thing as a description being too strong. For example, disliking, detesting, and hating someone or something shows a significant change in the degree of how much one dislikes it. Similarly, "dismal" is a word that's quite high on the sliding-scale of good vs poor, and if you think about it, would a windless world truly be "dismal"? Personally, I think the protagonist should rather keep in mind that things like storms couldn't possibly exist without wind and that certain species, like conifers, wouldn't exist either.


There isn't much more to add to what I've already said, although I do believe you can add more descriptions. From the two consecutive chapters I've read, there has been none at all, and sure, this is later in the novel and you've probably already described the forest, the characters, and so on, but that doesn't provide a reason to cease the descriptions entirely. You could have used some elegant imagery when describing the wind, for example. Even the smallest of metaphors can help make a piece of work less bland and more interesting.

~ Hunter




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 3:37 am
Zee6 wrote a review...



Hey,
So this seems like it would have a really interesting plot line but I'm a bit confused. So i'm pretty sure this is part one but I feel like I'm missing things. If this is part one I would suggest adding an introduction of the setting, character, anything, or at the very least have a character monologue or explain something that is happening with those things. I know there is magic involved but That's about it.

the names you have chosen for the characters are very interesting at the very least. There are no grammar mistakes that I caught but I would suggest editing as many times as you see fir. At least two is what I usually do. Um the paragraphing is good along with length of this chapter.

i really think this has potential but just some tweaking is needed to make it great. So this is all my opinion so if you don't want to use it go head. But as always keep writing and have a nice night.
-zee





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