Typo Alley~K Part One & Two

"Hello, chaps," Wet says in the same cheerful, carefree tone he used the last time. "You two are looking rather groggy. Are you sure you got enough rest last night. I did see some of you wandering the halls last night!"

"Wasn't us," one of the guards replies.

"Hmm. Actually I didn't see anyone out in the halls last night. It was sometime last week, now that I think about it. But I have caught a couple guards sleeping while guarding the prisoners." Both of the guards raised an eyebrow and assumed an innocent expression.

"Definitely wasn't either of us."

"I see. And why are there two of you? I thought the assigned number was one."

One of the guards shrugs and the other coughs. "Sergeant said I could have the afternoon off so I decided to head into town, but then I realized I didn't have any money on hand so I decided to give Buzz a hand. Pretty easy work really. Just boring when there's only one of us."

This time it is Wet's turn to raise any eyebrow. "If you say so. . . . I'll let you off the hook this time, but it will be the last."

"Who are you to order us around, noob. You just joined."

"That was a joke, dummy. You need to learn when to be serious and when to laugh."

"Er . . . yessir Lt."

"Lieutenant Gosser to you!" Wet barks.

"Yes sir!" the two guards sound off in unison, snapping to attention.

"I knew I needed to slap some discipline into you lax soldiers. You are relieved from your post. I will take over here until the next soldier comes down for his shift."

The guards boomed together, "Yes sir," snapping to attention. Then they performed a right face and marched out of the dungeon like a disciplined pair of soldiers.

"Well, that was certainly fun!" Wet exclaims.

I give look quizzically at him. He responds with an innocent expression. If he has any kind of brain he should realize that now isn't the time for playing games. If he is going to help us escape he better hurry!

Instead he walks leisurely around the outside of the cell. I raise an eyebrow at him and wait expectantly for him to break the silence. He isn't very obliging. I'm starting to get frustrated with him for being so flippant with me. Now my opinion of him is starting to shift from him being a humorous person, to to being an immature one.

"Hello?" I finally say, breaking the silence.

"No talking," he bellows. I involuntarily jerk back, my head making contact with the wall.

"Are you sure you are okay?" I ask. "You don't seem to be acting normally."

"How would you know how I normally act? I've never seen you before."

"What do you mean? Aren't you Wet?"

"Do I look wet?" He asks, his eyes flaring up quickly with anger and annoyance.

"No. I meant is. . . . never mind, you wouldn't understand."

"Not with the kind of logic you use." His condescending tone makes me want to slap him, but obviously I couldn't reach him and doing so wouldn't accomplish anything.

"Your logic wouldn't get you anywhere if I were a yard closer to you," RP replies. The menacing threat doesn't seem to have any bearing on the guard. He remains standing there at the entrance of the cell, completely unfazed.

"Your confidence doesn't disturb me. The point is that you aren't a yard closer to me and you won't be for a long time. You don't seem to pose any of my other guards a problem, or at least you haven't yet, so I have nothing to fear."

"I was able to deal with plenty of your guards with my sword."

"It's too late now, dwarf. You don't have it anymore."

RP pauses his verbal assault. He's probably chiding himself for leaving himself so open to the Lieutenant's retort, but being RP, he is never willing to concede defeat.

"That's only due to your cowardly efforts to poison me and swoop in on me while I was defenseless. If you had any courage you would have never been able to deal with me.

"We aren't cowardly. We fought you fair and square first, then defeated you bey turning to other means. We weren't about to lose the other half of our men needlessly."

"You are still cowardly. You should have just admitted defeat."

The lieutenant shrugs, as if half considering the suggestion, then pauses and grins mischievously. "Perhaps you should just admit to your own defeat right now!" he says, taking full advantage of the situation. He laughs mockingly as RP gives him the death glare. "It was too good of an opportunity to resist. You let your guard down. You were wide open to that retort. I was obliged to make it."

I can't help smiling myself as RP backs into the corner, quite literally actually. It is one of the rare times, possibly the only one, when he has lost all control of an argument. My only regret is that I wasn't the one to do it. Then all my excitement comes shattering back down to the floor.

"I've already won, though. You told us that we weren't allowed to talk. Apparently you forgot about that. But every word I say is in direct defiance to your command. You can't have your cake and eat it too." He grins through his dwarvish teeth at his successful rebuttal. The officer shuts his mouth with nothing to say in reply. He is forced to settle for telling RP to stop talking or else he will have someone sew his mouth shut.

"Can't help it," RP said, still smiling. I'm sure that I was meant to argue with people my entire life."

"You will be able to help it when I come into the cell in order you to stop talking with the point of my sword to back my up."

"Tsk tsk, you are such a dishonorable fighter. You should learn to fight like a dwarf."

"I'll pass," the guard says.

RP shrugs and opens his mouth to speak, but then decides to close it due to some intuition. He probably has regained his wits and doesn't want to push his luck any further with the already upset lieutenant. If I were him I would have shut up a long time ago. But I would have lost the argument long ago as well.

I sit back against the wall to watch the stalemate between the two aggressors, then think better of it as my thin linen shirt is quickly saturated by the moist wall. I try to get the water out, but I am met with little success. Frowning, I try to find a comfortable spot in the dungeon. Again, the dungeon proves that it wasn't designed for comfort. Practically every part of it is covered in water.

The lieutenant stoops down to get a glimpse of sun out of the window and announce triumphantly, "The new guards should be here any minute. I hate having to stand guard in this wet, miserable dungeon."

"You don't care to switch places with me?" RP asks mockingly.

"No. I can't stand being anywhere close to dwarves."

"But you're standing right now," RP retorts. This time even Wold gives him a baleful stare.

"I'm well aware of that. But I don't see how that has any bearing on the situation, unless you are trying to prove that dwarves can't crack a joke even if they try."

"But I was intentionally trying to sound stupid!" RP protested.

"You spend too much time around my brother," the guard said with a sigh.

"What about you?" RP asked, cracking a smile. "Didn't you grow up with him?"

"Yes, much to my detriment. And no, the scars on my face aren't from fighting him. The wrinkles are mostly his fault though. He never wasted an opportunity to put me on the receiving end of one of his jokes."

"He sounds almost as tenacious as I am. But keep in mind I said almost. You can never outmatch a dwarf."

"What if it is one dwarf versus another?" the guard asks.

"Then that is when we have problems," RP said, frowning.

"At least you're honest."

"All dwarves hold to the value of integrity. We are taught it from childhood."

Before anyone else has a chance to reply the door of the dungeon clangs open and another guard walks in lackadaisically. His head is focused on the floor and he doesn't see the lieutenant as he secures the door behind him. It isn't until he comes up to the cell that he notices who the lieutenant is and instantly snaps to attention.

"Sir?" he questions. A look of surprise is still written across his face. "What are you doing here? I thought that all the officers were exempted from sentry duty. . . ."

"Well, I caught some guards in the act of not performing their duty. I reprimanded them and told them that they were relieved of their post. That is why I am here."

"Ah, I see, sir," the guard stuttered.

"Don't tell anyone else I said that though," the lieutenant added.

"Yes sir," the guard says. "You want me to take over for you here?"

"Yes, that would be nice," he says irritably. This four hundred pound chatterbox is enough for two guards to handle."

"I am not four hundred pounds," RP protests. "I am barely half that!"

"Does he always argue like that?" the soldier asks.

"Yes. He's pretty darn good at it too. You better be willing to back up any commands about not talking or else he will probably just ignore, you."

"Oh yes. I will. You have no right to order me around. I am an independent dwarf!"

"Have fun," the lieutenant says, exiting the dungeon.

The doors slam shut with a now familiar clang resonating off the walls of the dungeon causing me to plug my ears to block the sound. Once the noise subsides the guard clears his throats and announces that there will be no talking while he is guarding our cell.

RP glares at him, but declines to disobey the rule. I'm fine with that. I prefer quiet, and hearing RP all the time is starting to get on my nerves. He is such a good arguer. I would never have guessed the extent of his prowess before today. I thought he was just overbearing and stubborn. Then again, he's not very smart about picking his fights.

The guard assumes a resting posture after standing for ten or fifteen minutes, but he remains vigilant while he is sitting. He doesn't start yawning or drifting off to sleep like practically all the other guards. He'll start nodding his head by the time the sun sets, I assure myself. He has already assumed a more comfortable posture. Once one compromise is made others follow it and the domino affect starts to take over.

"How can you stand sitting on that floor?" RP asks. "I'm sure you must be getting soaked. I don't know how you can stand it."

"I have some thick padding go protect my skin. It's called leather. And if you don't shut up I am going to whack you with it until you keep your mouth shut."

"Tsk tsk. I didn't realize prison guards were such a testy bunch; violent too. I thought it was just that lieutenant. It seemed like he was just trying to make a statement."

"His wish is my action," the guard replies. "He didn't want you to be talking while he was standing guard. Why should I change anything?"

"I dunno. He didn't sit down at all either. He was standing watch the entire time. And I literally mean standing watch."

"He's a lieutenant. He gets to loaf around practically all day while we carry out all of the physical work. He just sits there and writes reports, occasionally coming out of his hole to assign new tasks all day. I think I deserve a little slack. I think you have used up more than enough of yours though."

The guard stands and picks up his spear from where it rests against the wall and brandishes it at RP. The spear is long enough to reach to the spot where RP is sitting in the cell. RP inches back toward the wall and growls in an inhuman way. The guard keeps moving the spear forward until it is almost touching RP's chest.

RP calms as the guard stops moving the spear forward. It hangs suspended in the air less than six inches away from RP. I can hear their heavy breathing though. They are both still tense. The guard seems to hold the spear in the air for the longest time. Neither parties move. The guard's method seems to be effective though. RP doesn't say anything for over a minute.

Just when I am sure that the tension was going to break and the guard starts to pull his spear back RP grabs a hold of it and jerks it free out of the guard's hand.

Wold, who has up to this point been dozing off jerks up suddenly; whether because of the frantic sound the guard makes or the sudden burst of electricity that seems to saturate the atmosphere I am not sure.

"What are you doing, RP?" Wold asks. "Are you mad?"

RP ignores her, preferring to glare at the stupefied guard. "Well, it appears the tables have turned, haven't they?" RP asks. A grin starts to spread across his face. "I'm sure that lieutenant will be rather displeased when he hears that you allowed one of the prisoners to access a weapon and leave yourself defenseless."

The guard, who had up to this point stood in the same spot, as if his boots had glue on them, began to slowly back away. RP raises his eyebrows as if he has achieved some goal of great importance. The look on his face reminds me of a cat ready to pounce on its prey.

"Of course, you could just not tell him and get your spear back," RP postulated. "Of course, you would have to pay me something to get it, but at least you would avoid some punishment. It might even help you keep your job."

I see what RP is getting at and I'm sure the guard does too. I wait eagerly to see how he will react to RP's proposition.

"RP, this is foolishness," Wold admonishes. RP remains unfazed. He waits patiently for the guard to reply. Seeing her efforts are in vain, Wold tries a different tack. "The guard won't be able to give us anything that will benefit us that he can justify giving you for a simple spear. He might get in trouble for letting you get a spear, but if he helps us escape he might be killed."

"No," RP replies tersely. "I can think of something that will help us and won't hurt our guard friend here. "How much money do you have, friend?" he says, this time addressing the guard.

"A few coins. That's all. The rest is back in my barracks."

"Well, my friend, you are just going to have to run back there without being discovered and get a whole pouch full of coins for me. If you do I will give this spear back.

"I'm what?" the guard announces, his tone clearly portraying disbelief.

"I said, you are going to have to run back and get your pouch full of coins without being discovered."

"What if I am seen by someone who knows I am supposed to be guarding you?"

"Hence the part about not being discovered," RP says, flashing a grin.

"Plus, if anyone sees you then they will know something is up because you don't even have your spear with you. You have that dagger of yours, but that's all. I suppose I would be in just as much, or more, trouble if they saw you, but I'm willing to take that risk."

The guard looks sheepishly toward the door and strides toward it without any measure of confidence. He didn't fancy his chances of trying to get the spear back from RP, but he knew that the wise thing in his position was probably to alert some of the other guards wandering around. However, as RP has keenly observed, the man has a thin skin. Reluctantly he chooses to abandon the cover of the dungeon and head into the open ground beyond. Fortunately, for him, the sun is still setting relatively early and it is nearly down. Perhaps in the twilight world above he would be able to slip to the barracks unseen. It's our only hope, at present.

As soon as he leaves the dungeon Wold poses a question to RP. "What happens when the guard gives us the gold," she asks. "Once he has his spear he will be able to enter our cell and force you to give it back to him.

"That's why I don't intend to give it back to him,"RP says. "When he hands me the money Racen can nock him out with the spear and take the keys from him. It's just a ploy to get him out of here. I know that it's the time that the thane eats his meal with his soldiers and guests. There won't be anyone in the area to see the guard. He is too paranoid to realize that though. He is too scared to tell anyone, I'm sure of it, and he will be terrified when he comes back because he knows he might not get his weapon back anyways."

"Well I'm not going to knock him out," I object fiercely. "I won't attack an unarmed man. That would be low and cowardly."

"Fine, you take the money and I will do the dirty work, if you insist on being stubborn."

"I do."

We all freeze as we hear a noise and tensely await to discern the cause of it, then see it the servant assigned to bringing us our evening meals. His timing couldn't be worse.

As he enters he doesn't bother closing the door because his hands are so full with the two trays he is carrying at the same time. When he does, he drops the dishes. As they crash to the ground they break up into little fragmented pieces, making the permanent. Now there is no escaping our punishment. The servant quickly runs off as he sees RP's spear. He doesn't bother to look back on us.

"I guess we're screwed now," RP admits. Not much we can do now. Just have to wait for the guards to come on it and whip all the flesh off.

"Thanks to you, RP!" I spit his name out. "If you hadn't been so foolish, we wouldn't be in a situation like this! We would have never been taken to this prison. Now you are going to get us all punished for nothing!" You should be ashamed!"

"Well, I might as well go down fighting then. No use having no skin left to speak of once the guards finish with me. That will alleviate my shame."

"I can die fighting too, Wold says, but no here, not in this way. I would much rather die fighting the dragon, Chaise, than these scum."

"Hehe, but you don't have to!" a voice says from behind, making be jump up with a jolt of panic.

"Wet?" RP asks turning to face the hobbit. "What are you doing here."

"Why . . . I'm here to get you out. Just in time too, it seems. I have a guards outfit on right now. I was able to get in here a few days ago. But I couldn't find out how to get you out of here then. I figured mealtime would be best. Anyway, here's a key to get you out. It is a spare. A bit rusty, but it will work."

RP reaches up to grab them, but he is too short, so I take them and move to the door. I'm able to get the key to fit into the hole be putting my hand though the bars. The door opens with a creek.

I turn and smile, planning to thank Wet, but he already has disappeared. A moment later we file out and try to avoid bits and pieces of broken glass. Wet returns, this time through the dungeon door, with a broom. He quickly sweeps a path for us and we rush out the door after him. Only moments later shouts erupt from the dining hall about four hundred yards away and a stream of half armed guardsmen began pouring out after us.

Wet darts into a narrow lane leading into the greenhouse which he begins running through. He stops and tosses RP and I our weapons and then rushes back through our ranks.

When we emerge from the greenhouse the guards have already closed over half the distance. I reach for an arrow to shoot on the fly, but my bow is unstrung and I have no arrows.

"Come on, slow pokes, don't you know how to run for your lives," Wet shouts ten feet ahead of us.

"It's rather hard when you have been housed in a cramped dungeon for the past few days, Wet," I reply, struggling to keep pace with him.

"Not for me," RP says, gleefully pushing on ahead. "I just have to contend with wounds from the beating they gave on the first day I arrived.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Wet replies, casting his helmet off to the side of the road. "We can fix that when we get out of here. We just need to make it to that wagon up ahead that is just about to block the gates."

"What wagon?" Wold asks. "I can't see or hear one."

"It is currently hiding in the woods. Wait. I see it moving out of cover now! They are going to drive up the the gates to block the guards' exit after we get through.

"This is a pretty large plot of land that the thane owns," RP comments.

"Might look halfway decent if it wasn't smeared with the image of the surly lord who lives behind this fence," Wet adds. "Ah, look, the wagon is moving into position. Run faster, my friends."

I force my self to continue to physically exert myself. No. It isn't physical. It's mental. I will myself to lengthen my strides and pick up my pace. The gate is now only a hundred yards away. One of the guards hears the shouting from behind and sees us coming. He quickly motions to his comrades, but they are focused on the wagon a few feet away. He resorts to shouting to get their attention, but by this time we have closed another third of the distance. All four of them rush to the thick gates and begin to exert all their force to move them the gates start to slam shut, but run smack dab into the flanks of to disgruntled horses. One of the horses kicks at a man, nearly clipping off a leg slow to move out of the way. The others jump back as do the gates.

Now less than fifty yards from the gate, I put on and extra spurt in case the guards catch us. They are too preoccupied with the horses to care about us as we fly toward the gate. All but one who dashes toward us with a sword in hand. He closes the short distance between us in seconds.

Wet performs a barrel roll and jumps up in his face to distract him. RP quickly follows up by rapping him on the temple with a thunk!, easily taking him out. He keeps Báuräc unsheathed, but the rest of the guards seem un-inclined to put up any resistance, now down a man Wet breezes past the wagon and heads straight for the forest. Now I can feel the muscles in my legs beginning to tighten.

"How much farther?" I shout up to Wet.

"We just have to get into the forest. Once in in there, we could hide in any number of places. We might be able to take a short rest along the way, but I think we better keep running for a little while longer so we don't lose our momentum. There are a couple horses waiting for us in the middle of the forest, but that is over a mile away. I hope we can make it. The guards chasing us have full stomachs, plus they have armor on."

"You hope?" RP asks, askance.

"But I'm tired already," I complain, ignoring him.

"Save your breath for when you'll really need it, Racen," RP admonishes. I glare at him, but Wet concurs, so I know RP has good advice. But the fact that it comes from him rattles me. Never mind! Worry about that later. Save your energy for getting away from here.

I spare a glance back at the gate and spot the wagon slowly backing up and a couple of figures jumping off and darting after us. The guards are right on their heels. I can't tell who the people in the wagon are, but they both look short. At least one of them must be a hobbit. The other one could be a second hobbit, or perhaps Aiey.

When I turn back, Wold and RP have darted ahead. That's what I get for looking behind. I put on a burst of speed and catch up. Now Wet is bringing up the rear. His short legs put him at a slight disadvantage, but he hasn't shown any sign of faltering so far.

I soon start to loose focus on the world around me. I begin feeling dizzy and short of breath. I hardly take notice of the lack of water within my mouth. I keep running though, not bothering how fast I go, or how far away the guards or my friends are. I just follow the path ahead of me leading through the forest. I am vaguely aware of shouting all around me, but I don't pay any attention to it. I just keep going.

Finally it all comes to a stop. As if waking up, I find myself at a cabin in the middle of the woods. There are horses saddled and bridled with RP and Wet riding them. They shout for me to jump on the third before the guards get me. I turn and see two of them armed with spears rushing toward me, just seconds away from running me through with their sharp points. I exert the last of my reserve energy and jump on the horse. Startled it gallops off into the forest. With it, my consciousness flees. The forest is all own massive green blur and the animals a brown fuzzy dots quickly passing by in the span of seconds. Them a blackness with hundreds of clear, bright dots closes in. Sleep!