"Do you have any sketchy outline for a plan yet, or not?" I ask looking at the other Typos in the room feeling a sudden surge of pride to be one of them. I almost know that they have a plan.
"Well, we have discussed a few ideas," Borin says. He coughs nervously while glancing at Aiey before continuing. His indecision sends a nerves shiver up my spine. "From what we can gather it is probably folly to go straight after Chaise and his Dragon Master is probably just as dangerous, if not more so. Our vague plan is to deal with his soldiers first. We don't know how many he has for certain though. I think that judging the evidence based on the fact that he has soldiers here in Arsham would be a bad idea since that is probably just a ploy."
"What do you mean?" I ask. My brain must be working slowly today.
"It is a ploy to distract us. It was a bold gamble on the part of the Dragon Master. He did it in an attempt to distract us, but we happened to use this to our advantage by using it to be able to track the raiders to their source. Then again discovering about him really isn't going to help us all that much until we figure out a way to stop him."
"Well, what is your plan for dealing with the soldiers then. I don't think that a few of us can throw even a single band of raiders out of the area. I am sure that isn't all they have."
"True. But the fact is we have to do something." Borin lays his hands on the table and sighed as if to say, I rest my case.
"I think that we are looking over an important factor," Aiey say, simultaneously standing up and leaning up against the earthen wall. We haven't received any word of instruction from the author. I think that once we do that will be able to give us a fair amount of direction as to where we should go next. Only then can we draw up a definite plan."
Up until this time Wet has been silent, but finally he finally puts in his opinion. "I think that we should come to a definitive decision only with the Author's instructions arrive, but that is too long to wait before we do anything. Doing nothing right now is pointless so we might as well get going."
His words are simple and the message is clear. Of course the way to go about it is not so simple, but at least we have ironed out our first problem.
"I agree with Wet," Cros says from his spot over in the right corner of the room. "We should begin with the most logical thing to do. We need to secure the immediate area. As Racen has pointed out, it will be pretty hard for all of us to defeat the enemy forces here on our own. The logical solution is to alert the Hobbits of what is going on and trying to help them defend themselves by using the structure in place."
"Not so fast," Wet put in, interrupting the respectable old Mage. "The hobbits in Hybury are not the smartest people in the world. They understand that they are being raided and they understand in a very limited way how to defend themselves, but they don't know who to fight.
"Some of them are fighting among themselves. They think that it might be those strange folk from the country and the hobbits in the country think it might be those outlandish people from the city with their jewels and fancy clothes. The Thain is too weak to do more than spotty to to keep his people as happy as he can. Some folks, the smart ones, will be helpful though. They realize that the raiders are not an internal, but an external problem."
"What do they think of you?" I ask Wet. He turns to look at me with a comical expression.
"Hahaha! They think of me as an ornery hobbit that has been uprooted and carried 'round with the winds. As from my companions, well they think them outright strange. Aiey is friends with a few of them, but Cros and Borin mostly stay underground.
"In short they leave us to our business and we leave them to theirs for the most part. At least they have seen us before and they know that we won't try to bother them. They are generally amiable people though so they aren't hostile to us."
"I wonder what they will think of RP and I. The family we are staying with seems nice enough, but I haven't met the rest of them." I shuffle nervously and take a seat at the table with them. Without realizing it I have been standing nervously the whole time I suppose that it's time a just chilled.
"I don't know," Aiey says. I think that the family who took you in is pretty friendly, but I made sure to catch you while they weren't looking around so as not to make them suspicious. I am not sure if they will like your friend or not. They are probably the most friendly with the wolf. Most of the wolves here are pretty friendly and a few of them can talk."
"Well, if they are not the friendlies people in the world when it comes to foreigners than I am sure they won't like RP," I say with a sigh. "He is pretty snarky most of the time. I suppose Wold and I should keep an eyes on him. He is nothing like you."
"I would agree," Borin says, "but could we please move on! I think I have an idea that might be able to help us, but I want to know what you think of it."
"What is it?" Wet asks.
"I think we should try to take out the leaders the Dragon Master employs. I am sure that they have to have a chain of command similar to that of most militaries. I think we should make a point to taking out the most important people. It is fine if they have a band of thirty three raiders, but most of them are probably pretty single minded. They just fight wherever they are told to. They don't know the plan. I think we should start by capturing their leader first though. He might be able to give us some valuable information about who gives him orders and so on. The more he knows, the better!"
"You are very wise," Cros said tersely. "I couldn't have given better council myself. It is a good way to begin!"
Borin shrugged. "Well, we have to start somewhere. I just couldn't think of a way to deal with the hobbits without running into too much trouble and attacking the entire band would be foolishness! I just took a different approach!"
"Come on!" Aiey says. "We can't count our chickens before they hatch! Even taking out their leader might not be very easy. I think I know what to do though.
"Wet and Cros will sneak into the camp in the middle of the night, preferable around three and make their way toward the chief's tent. This will be the most dangerous stage of the mission. Once we get there the job will be simple. Cros will put a sleeping potion on the guards and then we will capture our quarry."
"How will we get past the perimeter guards?" Cros asks, thoughtfully putting a had on his head. "Do you want me to put a sleeping spell on some of them or what?"
"No. I think they are pretty widely spaced. If you run into any trouble the rest of us will be within striking distance until you get into the camp."
"If I could get another bow I might be able to stand nearby and shoot any sentries if they see you," I offer. "I just need to find out how to get another one. The one I lost is miles away in some woods where we were attacked by the men who killed Katya. I am sure that it was trampled."
"We could arrange for a bow, but I am afraid it would be a small one. Hobbit bows aren't very big at all. After the attack we can fit you out with something better, though I'm not sure it will be nearly as good quality as the one from the Author that you lost. It seems like misfortune is hunting you and your friends down like a wolf."
"Well then I suppose it's good we have a wolf of our own," I reply evenly.
Aiey can't help but smile. It seems that we have reached a conclusion of some sort.
"Well I guess I should take you back to Chicory's house."
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello r4p17!
I think you meant to only put one 'finally' there.Hello again! Come to review Typo Alley! Again, sorry I'm really late. I thought that this was a really good chapter, although it did have a few typos.
I'm just going to point out as many supposedly unintentional typos as I can, if I am incorrect and they were intentional sorry for being patronizing:
I think you mean; I suppose that it's time I just chilled.
I think you meant; friendliest.
I think that sleeping potion was a good idea, can't wait to see how it turns out!
See you next chapter!
~Kelpies.
Heya r4p17,pretzelsing here for a review, I am trying to cut down on my nitpicks a little bit and dive into more of the general so I will try my best to do that my new rule of thumb(literally typing with my thumb) is that three major nitpicks is enough
Let's see if I stick to that rule.Ahem,anyways,let's begin,shall we?
Racen started the conversation by asking if they had a plan. When the rest of the creatures said that they weren't sure, I was very surprised. Since, they have known about this threat for quite some time, I think that they would have it planned out a little bit more. This greatly discredited their organizational skills in my eyes. If they don't know how to plan the details of this capture of the leader,then how do they think that they will do it? :/
You need a question mark at the end of this sentence,but I honestly love how Racen is so bold here. Her character is really coming out and she doesn't go in without knowing that there is a way out.
Ah, all this fuss about RP and them worrying about if he will fit in. Perhaps, it kind of seems trifle,because they honestly have bigger problems then that. Plus, out of what you have written before, I have sensed that RP is a survivor and knows how to take care of himself, even if he isn't the most likable
No thoughts or remembrances about Katya throughout this whole chapter? This seems kind of unrealistic because she had just died but a few days ago. And usually,people are in the mourning process for 6 months for humans (I think?) Of course, I know that these are species of animals and they have more pressing issues. Still though,is Racen so uncaring and absentminded?
I feel like you need to have a colon there to list your fact ^^. *slaps Borin on the back*. Borin is right in saying this and I honestly can't wait to read and watch the action happening.Most of this novel has just been preparation and journey to fullfill the Author's commands and now we are almost finally here.
Hehe, I found it funny that the Hobbits were fighting among themselves, instead of fighting against the attackers/raiders. Are they really that stupid to kill their own kind? Whew, you really are painting a picture of this in my mind with this chapter xD
Typo in Typo Alley! I just had to write that! So the word should be: friendliest people. I have reached my three nitpicks limit and so I shall stay silent on that topic
You repeated the same thing three times and it is getting boring. OMG! I understand their plan and intent and so you don't have to repeat that 3 times in one paragraph. *mumbles:I think that I understand this.* try not to annoy the readers with this
Overall, I think that this path of action is pretty logical and reasonable, but I am wondering how it will turn out. Won't the dragon and his master sense that something is up when the leader's presence is missing? I wonder how this play out, and if it will help the Typos,or further hinder them.
Hehe,Racen is getting a small Hobbit bow? I wonder how that will work out in the kidnapping play xD
Anyways,that's it from me, and I hope that this review helps you improve your writing. I personally liked hearing the inside scoop of this all,and I am glad that Racen is now "one of them" so that she can tell the readers, as the narrator, the full story behind the scenes. xD
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
I think it's cool that you've thrown Racen into this situation. Here she is, just going around with the other typos trying to make it wherever the author wanted her to go, and now she's thrown into the plans of these other typos. The more I read about this place though, the more I think that this is where the author meant for them to end up. It seems all too coincidental that there are more typos here and they know about Racen, or at least about people like her. Besides, these typos know about the author too and have gotten instructions from him. He could've told them to come here first and then wait for other typos to make it there. I bet I'm right too :3
I've noticed while I've been reading that you sneak these little words in every so often. They're higher level vocabulary words and honestly, they stick out. Not that I don't expect you to know what they mean, of course you know ^_^, but they just don't seem to fit into the story. If they were used, let's say, more often, they wouldn't stick out so much. But since Racen doesn't go around using these kind of words, they seem out of place. It's not like you're dumbing down your writing, it's just keeping it believable based on your narrator.
This is much better than the previous part. The dialogue is broken up more and we're not overwhelmed with information. They're planning an attack, but it's not just all planning like the last part was all information. You spread it out and make sure we get everything.
So RP and Wold have been living with Racen this whole time? I didn't see that at all. That's probably something you'll want to add in somewhere. Like I said, I was under the impression that she was all by herself.
Woo, another adventure! And a fight!
On to the next chapter I go!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, RP!
Alright. So I see there's still a ton of dialogue, but it's much better shortened up. I like the discussions a lot better than just then rambling on on their own accord. This discussing gives it a much better flow and kind of show each person off better. Then comes the but.
But... It sometimes became really confusing who was talking when. Throughout this, there weren't that many dialogue tags. Granted there were far more than last part and this one has more narration in it, which I am thankful for, just there seems to still be tons of talking and not enough telling who is talking when.
Since this is of course a diplomatic meeting, it would make sense they would prove their point and have longer intervals of talking, rather than your run of the mill conversation with two or three sentences. But, sometimes it feels too long. A part of me wishes you'd include other things like interruption one another. Varying opinions. It just seems so odd that everyone is in sudden agreement. That never happens in real life, and you want this to be as realistic as possible, even if it is fantasy.
While reading this, I picked out this one nitpick that stood out to me more than anything else:
It just feels off to me that he'd suddenly glance at Aiey. What did she just do? Sure she moved the conversation along, but it seems so specific and sudden it didn't appear to add anything particularly to the text, thus I recommend it is cut.
Why would they need distracting? This is the biggest thought that ran through my head while reading this. Why would this Dragon Master have to distract this group? Up until this point, they weren't really on them at all. And to be honest, I don't even know what he's trying to accomplish. I don't have a doubt in my mind it was mentioned last part, but that was so dense I can hardly remember most of it. Make these things clearer.
So, this did get better, but still not your best work. It was still kind of info dump-y and kind of an eye strain with all this sense text. I was able to get more into the story though and gained much more than the last part, so it's a step in the right direction. Just keep working! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi R4p17!
Me again! I think this review is going to be notably shorter because there isn't too much happening here apart from planning. I think this chapter was definitely better than the previous one - there were no infodumps in it as far as I could see and I thought it was a good follow up. I generally liked the new characters a lot more in this chapter as well. There were fewer nitpicks, it was well written - I don't think there is more I could add. Also, from the description of the plan it sounds like something that was well thought though and is actually pretty feasible without any holes in it. And trust me, a lot of the plans written in novels have plenty of holes in them that scream this won't work! It was good to see none of them here, even though things could go wrong yet, and I wouldn't know it until it did.
One thing I was surprised about was how much they were down talking RP. The way they acted in the previous chapter made it seem like they had met Racen first out of anyone of the two she had come with. Which made me think that they wouldn't really know RP so well yet, if at all, and shouldn't really be agreeing with everything she is saying right away. Because Racen has known RP since the beginning of the story, and we don't even know if they have been introduced to each other. Which makes me wonder how they could have such a good dose of his personality. Or is he hearing all these things through rumors of other people who have met RP? If it is only through rumors, then make sure you mention this!
Another thing is merely something to think about rather than an actual review-based advice. Sometimes in novels and movies, we can see that the main characters are plotting and creating a plan, but the reader themselves doesn't know what it is. That way, when the plan is put into action it avoids repetiton and the readers have no idea what is coming. It's all a surprise! It also means the reader is kept on the edge of their seat all the time because they don't know what is happening. In this chapter we get a pretty thorough explanation of what is going to happen. Even though things may go wrong, I think it might be something to consider. Do you want to give everything away right away, or do you want to surprise your readers? Or does it not matter in the general picture of the novel. It really does depend on what the planning is, I am just basing this on what I have read so far.
How did she get the feeling they had a plan? Before she got there it sounded like they had a lot of half facts and no idea what to do with them. So, tell me about the feeling she has that gives her the idea that they probably had a plan before them. (And later on she feels proud of being part of the crowd, but if everything is planned out to be set in motion before she joins in, I would feel a bit less proud. Everything has been done already!)
You need a comma between the last two words of that sentence. That is also a sentence, which means it needs to have a question mark at the end instead of a full stop.
Is the author even a reliable source? Yes, they say that they communicate with the Author, but they never say if they can contact that person at any time they want so they can get advice. They never tell us if he writes to them regularly, in certain time intervals. Because if he doesn't have a specific time when he goes to see these people, how do they know it will take a while before the Author replies? I just needed a bit more explanation as to how they knew when the Author would come into contact with them...
I think you should change the 'an' to 'our.'
Although this chapter is much better than the previous one, I still felt like the amount of dialogue was a bit too much! I did like it, and it did seem to fit more comfortably than it did before, but my advice in the previous chapter still remains here as well. Show us a bit more of Racen's thoughts and reactions to what is being said as it goes on as a break. Add longer and more detailed dialogue tags, and don't forget to include some body movements as well. As much as people do spend time talking to each other, they are usually moving as they do it as well. Bring some little details to light if there really is nothing you can think of to write about in some places where a break in speaking is needed! I understand why you have such dialogue heavy chapters in this part of the story, but it does need to be more thought through. If we only have the same kind of thing going on for a while, even in form, the reader may get a bit bored :/
That's all I have for you! I am working to catch up ^.^ Two more parts for me to go, yay!
Deanie x
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Yup, I'm reviewing like I promised. Shocking, yes?
This was much better than the last chapter, that is for certain! The breakups that you did for the dialogue really helped, and I read right through with scarcely a problem. I especially like how you had them draw up the plan, but in such a simple and visual manner. It wasn't told in a way where I was bored half to death, but it also wasn't told in such a way where I felt like screaming from the detailing and complication of the plan. It was simply put across, and that's awesome. Keeping it fairly simple is good, as we can visualize the plan before it happens and that means we'll be able to be slightly prepared as it unfolds.
I see that they will be using the old standby of some will deal with the outside while the rest sneak inside and capture their leader. I don't know your plan for the next chapter, but make sure that when they sneak into the camp you have some sort of fight or twist to it. Just don't let any of them get away without being affected in some way. And one or two could die in the process, ya know... jk, jk. Make it exciting. xD
Shhh, if you're good I won't tell anyone. Just missing a comma here is all.
Golly, indecision is a word but it sure doesn't sound like one. How about indecisiveness instead? Sounds a bit better to my ears is all.
I'll just use this one part of your dialogue as an example. I noticed that in a lot of cases throughout this, you have commas missing. It's bad to have too many commas, but it's just as bad to have too few. Commas separate different elements of the sentence, and sometimes if you don't separate those elements then the sentence won't make much sense some of the time. This is one of those cases. When I first read it, I had to stop and re-read it to make sure I had gotten it right. See, I first thought that you were including "his Dragon Master" along with Chaise in the same circumstance. As if, it were folly to go after Chaise and his dragon master at the same time, instead of meaning that it was folly to go after Chaise, and his Dragon Master was probably just as dangerous. So in order to avoid that, put a comma after Chaise. Hope that part made some sense. ^^
The paragraph that part of the dialogue was in had a lot of commas missing, and so did a lot of this, so be sure to run through and make sure that they are all added in when necessary.
Something that might be helpful towards making your dialogue flow more, is if you use more contractions. Such as here, you have It is, which can easily be replaced with It's. One way to differentiate different characters from the others is if you have one character using contractions and the other not using them. Contractions also make them sound stiffer in speech, so for instance, Aiey. If you want her to sound more formal then don't have her use contractions. But if you want RP to sound not so much formal, then you would use contractions. Just an idea. My point is that your characters need to sound less stiff in their dialogue and that's one way to do it. Some characters can, of course, sound stiff and that is fine if that is your intent for them. But not all of them should sound the same.
One other small thing on dialogue, is showing and not telling. Okay, technically you're not telling as much, but your dialogue could be more visual. For an example on that go to here and it will give you an example of visual dialogue. It's reaaaally helpful, so READ IT.
Hmm, I didn't really like this comparison. How about laid out instead of ironed? An idea, is all.
In a couple of spots, you forgot some quotation marks, so remember to run through and get those taken care of. The thing with the typos though, that you sometimes have a problem with... It's just a matter of practice, is all. Look at it this way. Look at your 3d or 4th chapter and then look at this one. This one has probably an eighth, the amount of typos. See? It's just practice. Just keep going and trying to concentrate on getting rid of the typos and they will go away. This actually has very few typos, so you're getting it under control.
Okay, I think that's it from me for now. Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
No, not shocking, just a little unexpected that it took you so long!
Yes, yes, yes, I know, my commas need some work, but hey, this sentence is a start, right?
Thanks for the help of the dialogue! *pokes link* I will look into it.
I am glad this chapter was an improvement. And yes, of course I will have something go wrong. You will just have to wait and find out!
Why is the story called typos because I need to know are there real typos in here or is it just the name of the story. Did you use Hobbit bows out of the movie The Hobbit. What does raiders mean? Why is Wet his or her name. The book is great but to be honest I don't think Wet is a really good name for a person in this story or this kind of book. On one of your sentences it said Im pretty sure isn't all they have you should've said I'm pretty sure it isn't all they have.
The name of the story is Typo Alley. The reason I named it that is because I wanted to though it's origin is quite evident here. There are real Typos in the the story. All of the MC's are Typos. Most of the names are Tpos of people's usernames on this site.
I borrowed the Hobbits from J.R.R. Tolkein (obviously), but all of my races have been previously invented.
I am glad to hear that you like my book!
If you don't like Wet that is fine. I am not quite sure whether that matters.
oh okay and your welcome