Typo Alley~C Part Two

by r4p17

Published September 1, 2014

12+

In Typo Alley

A/N: Just FYI, I haven't really had time to read over this work much. Nitpicking would be much appreciated... this time that is...;)

I walk up to the rise of the hill, clearly out of breath. RP is standing there looking out on the red sunset. His right hand grips his staff and his left is wiping sweat from the brow of his forehead. Even he is a little bit tired out. Wold walks right behind me. Her panting is practically audible from ten paces away.

"Let's. Have a look at the map," RP says. His dark brown hair is dripping with sweat.

I nod, not bothering to expend any breath, and hand him the map. The air is so humid. I am glad to find that the map has been protected from the moisture on my skin by an inner pocket of my cloak which I slung over my shoulder so I wouldn't burn to death in it.

RP takes the map and examines it with care. At this point I'm not worried about where we go, just so long as it is shady and we have an opportunity to get some food. RP, on the other hand, is quite interested. I guess I will leave that up to him.

"Come on," he says after he has examined the map to his satisfaction. "Let's head down and set up camp in that little grove of trees over there. We will be able to access water from that stream that flows down into the valley. We will leave that tall mountain unconquered for now. We will be able to tackle it tomorrow. Wold, you gather wood for a fire and gather water. Racen and I will set up camp. After that I will go hunting and she will make dinner."

~~~

The firelight reflects off of RP's magnificent sword as he polishes the scabbard. It also shines through the pieces of jade like a prism, illuminating ever part of the stone in pure teal light. Wold and I watch as he goes about his work on the scabbard with his sword balanced perfectly across his lap. That night he finally had the decency to change, even if only to make sure his sword remained perfectly clean. My eyes are transfixed by it and I think back to the words written on the blade. Just then one of the phrases sticks out to me. It pops up right before my eyes like a raindrop falling down and scoring a direct hit on your glasses. What is the prophecy of Arcade? Those three words nag me as I sit there silently reflecting on the saying. I replay the words in my head again and again trying to discern what the prophecy might be.

"I wonder what we should call the blade?" Wold says, her brown furrowed. "I thought that all blades have names. Some less desirable than others, such as Wolf'sBane, but nonetheless all ancient swords, whether owned by a hero or a villain have always had names to go by."

"Hmm..." RP mumbles, half distracted. "Oh yes. I guess I never thought about it. I mean...to be honest the thought never crossed my mind— Now I think about it it this "light" though, I think I will name it Báuräc: it is dwarvish for FireBane. It came to me as I was staring into the light of the fire, I think it fits. What do you think, Racen?" I turn my head and nod distractedly.

I have to find out what the prophecy of Arcade is! The name of the sword isn't important now.

Standing I address Wold and RP. "Do you two remember the first phrase of the second line on the sword...Báuräc I mean?" They both nod. "Well it has me wondering, what is the prophesy of Arcade? It is obviously the name of a person, but what I wonder is, what does the prophecy say? It seems like once we figure that out we will be able to figure out why we were sent here by the author. After that, we simply have to do whatever it is he wants us to do and do it."

"The question is," Wold began, "how do we know where to go to find this Arcade fellow, if he even exists? We will have to somehow figure that out first. After that our task will be easier."

"Point taken," I concede. "I think we should try to get out of this mountain range. After that we will come upon some civilizations surely."

"First we will head or that peak there. There might be a settlement of dwarves there. After exploring it we will head out of the mountains, provided that we don't find any dwarves there."

"Fine," I concede irritatedly. "After that we are heading out of these mountains right away."

"Sounds good to me!" Wold says. Now let's get some sleep."

RP and I both agree (for once) and we all start climbing under our blankets. Unfortunately we have not tent, but so far we have made out alright. I wonder if Katya would make a good tent. I smile absentmindedly at that thought. I think Elephants stand while they sleep... I don't know. It doesn't matter now that she is gone anyway.

Opening my eyes, I see RP finishing his sword. It is quite shiny now. Before the scabbard had been covered with dust and the sword's edges were slightly dull, but now they are sharp the the blade and scabbard are as sharp as they can be. The workmanship is only just shy of total perfection!

I watch as he stands and stoops down. I assume he is going to bed, but a minute later I hear a stick crack. My eyes fly open and I notice his bedroll is still neatly laid out. I can just barely make out his form fifteen feet away he holds his sword it his hand then I hear another crack. RP momentarily disappears into the brush. I stand and follow him. He can't be hunting. He already shot a fox and a rabbit.

Grabbing my bow, I follow him into the woods. I take care to make sure that my movements are not heard by him. After some five minutes he reaches a clearing about thirty feet wide and a hundred feet long. I watch as he pulls out his sword and drops into a fighting stance. I reach back for an arrow, but pause as I realize that there is no real threat. He has come out here to practice. I now recall hearing noises in the past few nights that had passed out of my short term memory, but have returned to help me understand what is transpiring.

For a while he simply thrusts at an old stump in the middle of the clearing. The tree that used to be attached to it fell down half the length of the clearing causing a multitude of weeds and vines to spring up all throughout the clearing.

Eventually he gives up stabbing and hacking the stump to pieces and moves on to a mock battle. I am impressed by the skill he has already acquired. He is clearly a natural swordsman or rather swordsdwarf. I can hardly perceive where his sword is or anticipate where he will choose to strike next despite the adequate moonlight because of his speed.

When an hour passed I pick up my bow and silently sneak off. I have seen enough. I am glad that we have a good fighter among us, even if he is a little bit annoying at some times. Tired, I rub my eyes and curl up in my blanket within minutes I am fast asleep.

~~~

The next day I wake up early. Today it is my turn to do the cooking. As a result no one else is up and about yet. I yawn and stretch. The sun hasn't yet crested the horizon, though orange rays have already begun to slice their way into the sky giving evidence that the sun is on its way up. Running the sleep out of my eyes, I stand and gaze around the campsite. The ashes from the fire last night are cold and cheerless. However, the birds are quite chipper.

With their serenade ringing in the background I begin preparing the coffee to wash down our eggs and sausage. The sausage comes from a deer RP brought down in the previous days. This will be the last meal that it will make up. Without it we have only the meat from the fox and rabbit RP shot a few days before.

Within minutes I chop it up into bite size pieces and prepare crack the eggs. Soon after that, a crackling fire has leapt into existence. The flames stick up like a series of jagged mountain pieces constantly changing shape as if they were waves on an ocean being blown by the wind. I cook the eggs using a pan that hangs from a tripod. The tripods legs rest a few inches out of the fire ring.

The eggs begin to crackle as they are warmed by the fire, and the sausages sizzle like mine fire crackers going off constantly. The noise, along with the delicious smells also bring my two sleeping companions out of bed.

"Good morning, Wold, good morning, RP. You look tired RP. Did you sleep well?" I know why he is tired, though I just want to test him to see whether he is willing to say anything about it.

"I slept fine. It just took me a little while to clean of my... Báuräc after... after you went to bed last night. I'll be alright though. I will be even better when I finish breakfast though." We all smile.

"Well you can't be as hungry as I am," Wold says. "I am as hungry as a wolf." We all laugh. I recall that she used that joke before. Now it is more of an inside joke though.

"Well if you will all be patient I will serve them out to you. Some raw eggs will be just fine if you are so hungry," I tease. Another chuckle escapes from Wold. RP reluctantly joins in, but I can tell he is becoming weary of jokes.

Within half an hour all the eggs have been served. RP is already don eating, but Wold is still working on finishing hers. We sit and talk to each other for a few minutes before reluctantly standing and washing out dishes in the creek. RP has already doused the fire and gathered all our corporate belongings into packs.

"We need to get going soon," he says. "It might take us until noon to reach the top of that... mountain. I guess it is a little too big to be a hill. It would be helpful if you two could gather up all your stuff. I am already set up to go. Now hurry up; we need to move quickly."

I reluctantly gather up my stuff. I am still trying to get used to all of this. The routine is rather grueling on one. However, each day I find a little more strength. I guess I am getting used to it now. But still, I have a long way to go before I am ready to do this for months at a time.

RP interrupts my mediation with a short command. "Let's get goin'. We've got a long road ahead!"

At that, all three of us begin the long, arduous trek up the mountain.

Comments & reviews · 7
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Pretzelstick
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Pretzelstick wrote a review Review · Mar 29, 2015

Heya R4P17 it's pretzelsing here for a review,I see that you want nitpicks and so you will get a through nitpicks review.Let's begin,shall we?

I walk up to the rise of the hill, clearly out of breath.


Okay so when I see the phrase "rise of the hill" I think about not the top of the hill but he upwards slops of a hill going up.So here I imagine Racen stopping somewhere in the middle or at the far end of the hill,but not at the top.

"Let's. Have a look at the map," RP says.


You have to connect this and make is one sentence.So it should read: "Lets have a look at the map."

I nod, not bothering to expend any breath, and hand him the map.


Does the " not expending of breath" mean not breathing or not talking? Because why wouldn't Racen want/have to breathe? I think that you could rephrase that to make it have more sense.Do you see what I mean, rp?

by an inner pocket of my cloak which I slung over my shoulder so I wouldn't burn to death in it.


Okay so here for you use the word "slung" I find this a tad bit odd.Because I have never seen a pocket over the shoulder, but hidden and sown inside the cloak.I don't know but I would maybe change slung to another verb like which I 'put' or placed' over my shoulder.

"Oh yes. I guess I never thought about it.I mean...to be honest the thought never crossed my mind—


I think that there is too much repetition here because you either choose one or the other sentence to get your point across.I personally and stylistically choose the first sentence so I have strikeout the second one.^^

"First we will head or that peak there.


I think that you should replace "or" with "of".

Opening my eyes, I see RP finishing his sword.


Why is she opening her eyes when she should be closing them to go to sleep? :D Also maybe explain to me, how can RP "finish" a sword. I mean how can he do that?

The sun hasn't yet crested the horizon, though orange rays have already begun to slice their way into the sky.giving evidence that the sun is on its way up.


So I think that you could strikeout the second phrase : giving evidence that the sun is on it's way up. So this is obvious and we know that the sun will come up,especially since you said that there are orange rays in the sky ;) I really don't think that good writer's every have to explain the obvious to their readers/reviewers.

The flames stick up like a series of jagged mountain pieces constantly changing shape. as if they were waves on an ocean being blown by the wind.


Woah, slow down. Here you want from the description of mountain pieces to waves of the ocean,which are two very different things.I would suggest that you choose one simile/metaphor and stick to it.I would choose the jagged mountain pieces,but that is purely a personal choice. You choose which one you like better. ^^


"Good morning, Wold, good morning, RP. You look tired RP. Did you sleep well?"


I personally think that this is very rushed on Racen's side. It's just like "Hi" Hi" and that's it. I think that you could expand their interaction. Here is what I mean.

"Good Morning Wold." (Racen)
Wold says something here.
[and then the same thing for RP]

I think that structure ^^ it will be more spaced out, if you see what I mean RP?

"It might take us until noon to reach the top of that... mountain.


Okay so I really don't think that you need that ellipsis so I would take it out.

Now hurry up; we need to move quickly."


So here I think that you could erase the semicolon and just write: "Now hurry up,because we need to move quickly" or something like that.

The routine is rather grueling on one.


You don't need that extra "on".

That's it from the nitpicks.Now onto the general.Yes! They are making progress toward their final set destination: The mountains. And I love the plot twist that you put in here: Racen is determined to find the prophecy of Arcade! That might prove to be a distraction and adventure.

You were so realistic here with the weariness and you did a good job of dispersing it throughout this text. I am wondering though, why did Racen watch RP do his sword training? I mean think about it,minutes before she was complaining about how tired she was, and now suddenly she didn't have the desire to go to sleep right now? Hmmm, kind of an inconsistency in what you wrote. What if,instead of one hour,Racen maybe watches him for 10-20 minutes(she could still get the gist of it).

Anyways,that's it from me. I hope that this review helps you spot out those nitpicks and just overall improve your writing.

KEEP ON WRITING!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

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Noelle
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Noelle wrote a review Review · Feb 22, 2015

Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

I have permission to nitpick? Woo! xD Hopefully I can help you and not just repeat what everyone else has said.

I walk up to the rise of the hill, clearly out of breath.

This might be super nitpicky, but here goes. It's a bit strange that Racen would say she's clearly out of breath. She's the one narrating the story. I would've expected her to just say that she was out of breath. If you really want to show just how out of breath she is, you could have bend over with her hands on her knees and gasp for breath. That might be a bit too much, but you get the point. Saying she's clearly out of breath would work well with third person, I think. First person is basically like someone actually telling the story, like talking directly to the readers. I don't know about you, but if I were out of breath I'd just say I was out of breath.

Her panting is practically audible from ten paces away.

If Wold is behind Racen, how does she know that she is ten paces away?

You've done a good job with your descriptions in this chapter. We're really getting a good idea of what their surroundings look like. I especially like the description about the fire. Light is always a fun thing to play with with descriptions. It's cool how you described it bouncing off the sword and shining through the jade. Very nice. You have brilliant descriptions! If you add them into the first couple of chapters you'll have something great.

The firelight reflects off of RP's magnificent sword as he polishes the scabbard. It also shines through the pieces of jade like a prism, illuminating ever part of the stone in pure teal light. Wold and I watch as he goes about his work on the scabbard with his sword balanced perfectly across his lap. That night he finally had the decency to change, even if only to make sure his sword remained perfectly clean. My eyes are transfixed by it and I think back to the words written on the blade. Just then one of the phrases sticks out to me. It pops up right before my eyes like a raindrop falling down and scoring a direct hit on your glasses. What is the prophecy of Arcade? Those three words nag me as I sit there silently reflecting on the saying. I replay the words in my head again and again trying to discern what the prophecy might be.

This paragraph is rather large. I only mention it because all of your other paragraphs are so short. That's your writing style: shorter paragraphs. This one really stands out. You'll definitely want to cut it in half. I think a good place would be at the sentence that starts with "My eyes are transfixed". That seems like a good spot to me, but it's obviously up to you in the end.

I turn my head and nod distractedly.

I don't think you can really nod distractedly. She could nod halfheartedly because she's distracted, but there's really not a way to nod distractedly. At least, it wouldn't be something specific to a certain movement. That could mean anything, which would create so many different images in the reader's mind.

You've created a nitpick monster, what have you done?!

"First we will head or that peak there. There might be a settlement of dwarves there. After exploring it we will head out of the mountains, provided that we don't find any dwarves there."

This dialogue definitely needs a tag. I feel like RP is the one that said this, but without the tag it's inferred that Wold is the one who says it, seeing as he was the last one to talk to Racen. It's a bit confusing.

"I am as hungry as a wolf."

This joke makes me laugh every time xD

This chapter is a good break from the adventure. Okay, part of the chapter, but still, it's a good break. We've been following them along with RP rushes them ahead and we haven't really had time to rest. Then they decide to take a break and focus on the sword and what lies ahead. You're doing a good job of balancing the tempo. That's something that's important in adventure novels. It can't just be adventure after adventure. There needs to be some breaks too. You seem to know exactly how to do that.

The thing about naming the sword was pretty cool. They're all right, people seem to like to name swords. I personally don't understand it, but that's okay. As long as the people who name the swords are happy, I'm happy ^_^ I'm impressed with the name you came up with! It's very original and it really makes sense because of the light from the fire reflecting off the blade. It's not like you just came up with a random name, it was well though through.

Overall this is another great read. You're really solidifying your characters well over these chapters. Great job! I enjoy reading more about them and figuring out their personalities. RP definitely seems to have calmed down about his leadership role since the third (?) chapter. Like I've mentioned, that really shows a lot about his character. Also, it seems that Racen is making an effort to become friends with him. Maybe they will actually become friends in the end :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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SpiritedWolfe
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Nov 30, 2014

Hey, R4! Wolf here for a review.

About time right? So, I guess you added in an extra part between the two I read, which is here, so a great place to start. I might've forgotten some things and I may repeat things mentioned, so bear with me? On to the review!

Oh, and one more thing. I totally just noticed that when I rereading earlier chapters on Saturday, that you switched the overall tense completely. From past tense to present tense? Was this a conscious decision or did it just start happening? Because I honestly didn't notice until now.

After just reading one paragraph, one thing sort of sticks out at me. Last sentence of the first paragraph says something about 'Wold's panting barely audible from ten paces away', but I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to react to this? Is it a bad thing? Something that surprises her? But barely audible usually suggest that it's a soft thing. I suggest clearing that up.

So, another thing I see as I continue is the dialogue is pretty straight forward. Where's the character behind it? What makes dialogue so unique is that there's the expression of it based on the character. So since no two characters are alike, personality wise, then no dialogue should be the same. But RP's dialogue seems rather void. He says 'we will' sixteen times and then commands the rest of things, but there's not much else. Fells more like choppy narration. Maybe a good thing for you to practice is to say the dialogue you write out loud. Think about how it feels. Is it too clunky? A mouthful? Edit accordingly.

This feels familiar. I remember reading this a while ago and planning to review it, but then suddenly disappearing. But I'm here not to finish it out! So overall, it's a little more of a filler if their whereabouts, but I feel like there's something missing here. There isn't much of Racen's input in the narration. Sure there are some thoughts, but they feel like the dialogue. Too straight forward. Maybe try diving into mor characterization and try to find Racen's voice of how she would narrate.

Still, this chapter was enjoyable. Seeing them together on this large trek is surely something, like a band of misfits. I'm interested in what this prophecy has to offer anywho. Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

r4p17 replied · Nov 30, 2014

Yeah, this wasn't the greatest chapter, I am afraid. The early ones need a lot of work. I think I used a lot of telling and I didn't have quite enough description. I need to work on this.

It's fine. :) Practice makes perfect. Trust me, the early chapters of Syrin were worse.

r4p17 replied · Nov 30, 2014

:P I am not quite sure how this got featured!

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Deanie
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Deanie wrote a review Review · Sep 19, 2014

Hi there r4p17 :D

I am happy to be reading the end of Part C! I don't think I have ever told you that I love the creativity that has gone into calling the Part's ABC, etc instead of the usual numbers. I don't know why, but I love it when people go out of their way to do something different. And even if it's a minor thing, I admire you for it ^.^

On to this chapter! I feel like we're seeing how this team is getting pretty tired out now, even the seeming to be leader, RP. As well as that, we might be getting closer to what they are supposed to be doing here, which might have something to do with the prophecy. I am looking forward to knowing what the prophecy is, as well as seeing if they find any other civilization here. I hope they do! It would be interesting to see what these people will be like and what their ways will be. I am sure you could have a lot of fun in that aspect.

"Let's. Have a look at the map,"


Shouldn't this all be one sentence? If that isn't the case, then maybe after the let's you could have a little break where you mention that she is panting because she is so tired from the strenuous walking.

We will be able to access water from that stream that flows down into the valley. We will leave that tall mountain unconquered for now. We will be able to tackle it tomorrow.


Those are a lot of sentences starting with 'we will!' I know you are trying to mention their plan of action and all they will be doing, but do try and spice up the vocabulary a little bit. I think it would make the plan seem more exciting.

Just then one of the phrases sticks out to me. It pops up right before my eyes like a raindrop falling down and scoring a direct hit on your glasses. What is the prophecy of Arcade?


What phrase was it that she noticed? I doubt it was the actual question she asked herself, but it must be a sentence about the prophecy that made her wonder. So instead of just mentioning it, it might be helpful if you told us what it is?

Also, I don't think that Racen would immediately connect the prophecy to being involved with whatever the author wanted them to do here. The author could've wanted anything. I feel like she would be more so inclined to just be curious, and wonder if it would be worth their time to investigate what the prophecy might mean and be.

Standing I address Wold and RP.


Comma needed after the word standing.

"Well it has me wondering

"Well if you will all be patient I will serve them out to you.


Both 'well's' need commas after them! I do think this was something I mentioned in my prior review, but I doubt you had time to edit these ones since then!

There might be a settlement of dwarves there. After exploring it we will head out of the mountains, provided that we don't find any dwarves there."


Repetition of the 'dwarves there' went by noticeably! I think it might be better if you cut the second there, it doesn't matter if the word dwarves is repeated.

Unfortunately, we have not tent


Hm, do you mean unfortunately, we have no tent? Or unfortunately, we have not got a tent?

I don't know. It doesn't matter now that she is gone anyway.


Is that really all she thinks of Katya, that she is gone and doesn't know? I thought now would be a great time to get some thoughts as to whether Racen misses her or not. How does she think the trip might've been different if Katya came along. Does Racen think Katya would've liked it here with all the wildlife and fewer things to crash into? I feel like we should now.

Tired, I rub my eyes and curl up in my blanket within minutes I am fast asleep.


An 'and' is needed beteen the words blanket and within.

prepare crack eggs


You've missed the word 'to' between the first two there.

after you went to bed last night. I'll be alright though. I will be even better when I finish breakfast though."

Now it is more of an inside joke though.


There are a lot of 'though's in these sentences which are all put close together. I think you could easily cut out all but one of them seeing as though is not really a necessary word. Try and avoid words that don't add much to your writing.

The routine is rather grueling on one.


I know what you are trying to say here, but it was a little bit confusing because of the way it was worded. My suggestion has a bit of a different meaning but has the same affect. How does this sound?

Suggestion: The routine was a rather grueling one.

I look forward to reading part D. Keep up with the creativity. I could easily imagine RP going out during the nights and experimenting with his sword, getting a hang of the sword and it's own fluidity and all. You created a lovely image in my mind with your words, so keep up the brilliant writing such as this ^^

Deanie x

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Kelpies
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Kelpies wrote a review Review · Sep 1, 2014

Hello r4p17!

I'm happy for you! This is in the spotlight and deserves it. By that I mean it was awesome, a whole lot better than most of the things that got into the spotlight. However, as you said, it is not without flaw:

not tent,
No tent?
already don eating,
Already done eating?
grueling on one.
grueling one?

Otherwise, can't wait for the next chapter!

~Kelpies.

P.S. Finally memorized your username.

r4p17 replied · Sep 1, 2014

Hahaha! Thanks for the review. I definitely need to work on this. And I totes didn't expect it to be in the spotlight! :)

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Kelpies
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Kelpies commented Comment · Sep 1, 2014

Congratulations! It's featured!

r4p17 replied · Sep 1, 2014

Wot? Oi! Thanks for telling me :P idk that until you said so. 0-0

Kelpies replied · Sep 1, 2014

Same with the ones I had in the spotlight though neither was as good!

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Corncob
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Corncob wrote a review Review · Sep 1, 2014

So, you asked for nitpicking, and I would usually squeal with delight and rip through this story but....I'm exhausted. So, I will do less nitpicking than usual. HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD STILL PREPARE YOURSELF WITH MUCH CHOCOLATE BESIDE YOU!

1) RP is standing there looking out on the red sunset.
Out at instead of out on would probably flow better.

2) His right hand grips his staff and his left is wiping sweat from the brow of his forehead
You don't need to add the extra "of his forehead." It can just be "from his brow."

At this point I'm not worried about where we go, just so long as it is shady and we have an opportunity to get some food.
Haha, nice :D.

3) Wold, you gather wood for a fire and gather water.
Repetitive use of gather. Try just get water?

4) At that, all three of us begin the long, arduous trek up the mountain.
Do you really need the at that? It's not a huge nitpick, but I just don't think it's entirely neccesary. Not that big a deal, though.

I haven't read the other chapters, but I like what you've got going here. I like how you describe RP; he's obviously the leader of the group. To me, he seems older than the others; in fact, in my mind, the narrator is the youngest of the group. I don't know if this is true, but that's what it seemed like to me. Probably because I haven't read the other chapters, though.

Keep writing, I enjoyed this!
Overall rating: 8/10

+1
P.S. Why is this called Typo Alley?

r4p17 replied · Sep 1, 2014

Thanks for the review. Just for the record, Racen is an elf, so age is kind of a non-factor. I never really thought about it. You would have to read the first chapter to understand it all. This started out very randomly. ;)

Corncob replied · Sep 1, 2014

Aaah, I see. That's what happens when you click on random things in the Green Room and try to review them XD. Nice chapter, though! Keep writing!



My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract