I walk out the door, confidently walking past a surprised RP. I can only imagine the shocked thoughts running through his mind. What is this? Racen walking away from me. She'll never survive in the wild. At least I will be rid of her for good now. I'll et him think that. I've put up with him long enough. If I listened to myself, not him, before now I might not have let things come so far. No more of that anymore.
"Racen!" Wold barks. "Stop. Right. Now." I focus on the way ahead of me, following the road leading southward.
Wold bounds after me. I sigh and slap my palm against my forehead. This is not working out very well.
"Racen, I'm sure that RP is the one who is destined to kill Chaise. It said that the one who is to kill the dragon has a name that starts with the letter 'R' and that the person would also be short of stature. RP meets both of those requirements. It didn't say the gender, but isn't that proof enough. You can't just walk off an forget the Author's instructions."
"I'm not," I say defensively. "I am going to kill Chaise myself!"
Wold involuntarily takes a step back. "You mean you are going after Chaise yourself? But you... the most Chaise will feel is a slight tap when an arrow from your bow hits him. I hope you haven't gone mad."
"I am not mad. I've never felt more sane in my life. Before now I have always listened to what RP has told me to do, or what the Author has said. It's time to listen to myself for once. I need to live the life I'm destined to."
"I understand, Racen. I'm sure you scoff at the idea, but I do know what you are feeling. You want to prove RP wrong and make up for your supposed failure. But don't forget that you have an intelligent mind, Racen. You might not be the strongest elf, but you are intelligent. Don't forget that."
I am taken aback. Use my brain? That won't get me far with RP, not to mention Chaise. This argument isn't going anywhere. Still. There is an element of truth to what she says.
"You can't defeat Chaise. The prophecy says that RP will. I am sure of it. He is the bearer of Báuräc, is he not? All the facts line up, especially the part where the prophecy says he is short, which he is. He is a dwarf. You know you don't have a chance against Chaise."
"I don't care what the prophecy says, Wold. We have no way of telling how true it is. I don't feel particularly inclined to trust anyone or anything right now. I will follow my own path."
"Your own path might not be yours to choose, Racen." I sigh. I shouldn't have stopped and listened to her. I should have kept on walking no matter what she did or said.
"Wold, I'm sorry I have to leave you. I'm sorry RP has tarnished you too. If you have a brain you will come with me and get away from him. He is dangerous! I'm afraid I don't have any more time to spare. Goodbye."
I turn back to the path ahead of me, leading right down to the river. I mentally plug my ears and start singing a rhythmic song to drown out the noises around me. No more listening to them. Today is the day that I will claim the right to control my own future. I won't listen to anyone else. I don't care if they are a friend, a foe, a gardner, or a cereal killer. They don't have any right telling me what to do. If they did then my life would be like a river without any banks, trickling everywhere, but having no common purpose or goal in life.
"Racen," Wold yells. "I thought we were friends." Those simple six words rip through my like the blade of a a sword. They rip through and tear apart my mind. I struggle to gain control. Come on, Racen! I chide myself. You can do better than this. You seemed totally resolute a minute ago and now you doubt your choice already. You haven't even gone five hundred paces yet. But I have to admit, those first five hundred are the hardest to make.
"I thought we were, Wold! I guess things have changed," I spit out bitterly. The words are the hardest I can recall ever saying. I wish for a moment that I hadn't let them escape from my lips. But I can't change what has passed. The entire purpose of this change is to alter my future. But at what cost? Is this about Chaise and the RP, or is it about Wold and perhaps the Author... ?
"I know. That doesn't mean we have to though." Again, that voice inside me urges me to go and walk away. Surely I will feel better when get across the river. I will soon learn to forget this. But Wold's point is valid. I know she's right, but the thought of going back and suffering because of RP is revolting. Life is so complicated. It is never easy. It is always bittersweet. On the one hand I want to be with Wold, but is that a good enough reason to stay with RP. Perhaps she is right though. If I truly have changed then I shouldn't let RP bother me.
"Fine. I'll stay. But only for now. I just want to prove that I can do the same amount of work as anyone else. And I don't want any trouble from RP."
"I can't vouch for that, Racen. You know I can't control RP. I'll try to help the two of you get along though. It is for the good of all of us." I doubt that, but at least Wold seems to have good intentions. I can't say the same about RP.
"I suppose. This is only for now though. If RP fails again..." I pause intentionally for effect. "He won't fail again. If he does, that is the end my companionship with him. I won't stay here any long if that happens. Don't try to convince me otherwise."
"I understand, Racen."
I nod in agreement, secretly wondering if she really means it. Things have been so shaky lately. I hardly know what to do anymore. What seems to be clear as crystal is murky like oil. I wouldn't choose this path, but somehow it feels... right. It's what I was always meant to do, even though it seems so hard. I hope, no I pray, that it is the best choice. Though it has subsided a somewhat, there is still a part of me screaming to leave. I can't waffle any longer. For now I stay.
"You convinced her to stay, eh?" RP asks. "I figured as much. She is as fickle as a leaf on a tree blowing in the wind. She has absolutely no control over what she does."
"I agreed to stay on the condition that you wouldn't cause any more trouble for me," I warn, "so you better not be a source of contention any more. Wold might believe your story, but I don't. You are going to have to use more than words and your illusions to fool m again, RP. Don't mess up any more. If you do, it will be the last time."
"Fine," RP says, raising his hands defensively. "I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean for Katya to die either." My glare bores into him like a spear into a bull. One more time! it says.
"RP, please try to be agreeable, Wold advises. I know that it is very hard for you to do, but try to make an effort. Things have been going down hill for a long time. Ever since we entered the Story World it seems that there has been more trouble between the two of you. Even though you might not have seen it..."
An awkward silence sets in. I look at Wold then RP, then back to Wold. Suddenly I realize that Hazel is standing in the doorway which opens up into the hallway with all the bedrooms in it. He looks like he just woke up from a nightmare. His face is as pale as an unsoiled sheet.
"Did we wake you up?" Wold asks apologetically. The young Hobbit nods. "Yeah. I heard voices. I thought that I had slept in, but I see the sun's only just risen above the horizon. I could have dozed for another two or three hours." Are all hobbits such lazy creatures?
"I'm sorry we've woken you. We were just trying to discuss our plans quietly. I'am afraid we got a little carried away. We'll be quieter from now on. You go back to bed." Wold gave him an encouraging nudge.
"No, I don't think that I will be able to go back to sleep. Whenever I wake in the middle of the night I never get to sleep for a long time. I might as well stay awake. I can take a nap later. Perhaps in the afternoon."
"If you insist." No more talking now that he's awake. I have to admit that I am a bit relieved, though. Trying to fake small talk around a child is more enjoyable than arguing with dwarves, by a long shot.
"Perhaps you could start fixing some breakfast," RP suggests, patting his tummy. "A full dwarf is a happy dwarf. Fetch some ale for me in the meanwhile, will you."
"Of course," Hazel assented. "Anything you like!"
RP smiles as the boy scurries down to the cellar. "That was close," he says. "I hope that rascal didn't hear any of what we were just talking about."
"I should have thought of him," Wold says. "I was too preoccupied to think about Chicory or him. We'll have to save the rest of the conversation for later, though. I don't want to talk about it while he is around. Just act like you are minding your business."
A minute later he pops back up in the kitchen with two dozen eggs and a jug of ale to pour into a tankard for RP. He reaches up into the cupboard and grabs tin cup, hastily pouring the ale into it.
"Soiled mushrooms! I spilled the ale!" he exclaims. I must say, hobbits have some of the most interesting expressions.
"Don't worry, I can lick that up for you," Wold says with the wolffish grin. (I can use that expression when it applies to a wolf, right)?
"No thanks," Hazel says shakily. "I think I'd rather clean it up myself with a wet rag."
"I was being sarcastic, you realize."
"Er... yes. Well, not exactly. It is rather hard to read your expressions. I'm not all that familiar with dealing with animals. The only ones I talk to are squirrels."
"Yes. They aren't like me at all. Most of the time they hurl insults at me, with an occasional acorn for added affect. Perhaps you could convince them to stop doing it. It would be much appreciated."
"Yes, ma'am," he says in that same shaky tone of voice. I am beginning to wonder why he is so nervous. It is as if he is scared of us or something. I suppose he's probably a little frightened being around a wolf. That's understandable.
"You don't need to call me ma'am, Hazel. You can just call me Wold. And don't be nervous. I only bite naughty little boys." I catch a twinkle in her eye. She really has such a good way around children. I think she would make a much better mother than adventurer. Unfortunately life isn't quite that easy.
I try to suppress wishful and rather resentful thoughts toward the Author. I want to live a normal life. It's not easy.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hello r4p17!
let?I'm glad that Wold was able to smooth things over, and that RP is making an attempt to be respectable. I think that Wold's mother-like qualities are probably going to be necissary to keep Racen around. And here are the nitpicks!
me?
I'm?
And yes, I'm pretty sure that you can use the term "Wolffish grin" applying to Wold XD, I personally think it's rather funny.
~Kelpies.
Heya r4, Pretzlesing here of a review of your novel. I haven't revisited this in a week, but I know that you left off with a cliffhanger,so I am very eager to begin.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
I have to say, that I wasn't at all surprised that Racen came back, with a bit of Wold's pushing and convincing. Knowing all that I know, Racen is pretty impulsive and stubborn, but I am happy that Wold made her turn around and walk back, the opposite of what she really wanted to do.
~I don't know if anyone mentioned this, because I honestly didn't read the review below, but I have to say that look at the italicized words in the above quote. You used the word "walk" twice in the span of one sentence, and the first sentence at that. When I read this first sentence of your chapter, this repetition kind of bugged me, and set me back so I didn't want to even keep on reading.
~What if you wrote something like -I think that it works much better.:
~I think that there is pretty incorrect word choice here that I wanted to point out. A wolf,doesn't bark. A dog barks. And a wolf howls. So I honestly don't know why you put that there; was it to confuse the reader?
~Kind of a lengthy explanation, at something that is normal to do, and Racen does it too.I think that if you cut out those extra words, and just wrote "slap my forehead" then it's pretty acceptable here, because it's a common gesture that occurs, and everyone obviously knows what it means.
~Honestly, this is so unnecessary, RP. You just all stated this in the previous chapter. The author knows this information, Wold knows it, Racen knows it, and the readers know it. Why are you repeating something that is already obvious. The prophecy confirms that RP is the only one that can kill Chaise, so there's no need for argument here. And here it is again:
At this point, hearing this long-winded explanation from Wold at least three times, I felt like a tad bit annoyed. I just want to move on with the story and the plot line, and here we are frozen in a conversation <,<
~This is invalid. There is no possible way that Wold can understand Racen. Noone can understand you,until they are in the same situation. And everyone's reacts differently, and there are so many variables. *rambles on and on*
Anyways, my point being, I think that you should cut this out for the reasons stated above.
~I found many problems with this sentence, that pretty much irritated me. You used absolutes: never and always. That's a big no-no in word choice, that I am personally strict about in my own writing. I feel like it's not absolute, and it shouldn't be conveyed that way either. I would delete them and substitute them with another, perhaps more appropriate word.
~I feel like you were just throwing out sentences here. Everyone knows this, because Life is life. Every reader sitting and reading this, and even Wold and Racen already know this. This is just so much telling, I want you to show me why it's so complicated for Racen. Show me why it's not easy. Show me why it's bittersweet. You get the idea, right r4?
~Wow, RP really seemed stupid here. I mean, this is so invalid in every way, and I can't believe it. It must have offended and hurt Racen internally. And then, when I was waiting for a reaction from Racen, I just got more dialogue. And I was pretty disappointed here.
~Okay,so now I will comment on the interaction with Hazel. You are showing that kind of superficial faces and masks and atmosphere that I hate. I honestly, don't like when people hide, before what? A child, which doesn't understand what they are talking about or planning to do? This fake break but the characters at a much lower level to me now in my mind. I feel like this last scene just discredited their honesty. I used to feel like all three characters were harshly honest,and now I'm not so sure.
~I'm sorry that I couldn't provide you feedback on more positive and good things, but again, I do like Wold's and Racen's growing companionship and how it's growing and developing. Keep on chipping away and working on that, so that their friendship becomes a masterpiece by the end of the novel, even though there is a lot of twists and turns.
Anyways,that's it for my review today.Hope that it helped.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzel/
Hi r4p17! I am going to try and review these three chapters of yours that I need to catch up on today! So you should be expecting a few more reviews from me.
First of all I have to say that I did like this chapter quite a lot. Although it still did include a lot of dialogue I did think this chapter called for it seeing as they were arguing/ And I think I simply liked the way the argument played out. Of course RP wasn't going to say or do anything in an attempt to get her to stay, which led Wold to do all of that stuff. But I did like how Racen was finally sticking up for herself and trying to do things her own way instead of constantly listening to what she was being told to do. And that was a good message to bring across, because if it isn't making us happy we shouldn't stay. Even though she does stay the lesson isn't wasted because she didn't stay according to the rules, but she stayed for the friendship she shares with Wold. I just found this chapter to have such a meaningful message it made me enjoy reading it all the more!
I think we could have some more breaks in between the dialogue to make this chapter perfect though. Take the time to describe little things before the speech to make it just that bit better. Show us some of the scenery as she is marching away - mention her marching past trees and shrubbery and let her hear the river that is approaching as if it is roaring in her ears and so on. Or maybe it is a calm stream and as she is thinking she is looking at it and wishing she could gently flow away from this place like the water, without having to hurt Wold in the process. Show us the sky overhead and the rising sun as they are speaking. Have her looking around her instead of at Wold directly in an attempt to be unaffected by her convincing efforts. I do think a couple more descriptions here would be highly beneficial and tidy up this chapter to make it perfect!
Another thing would be the possibility to add a little bit of humor in there. I noticed Wold was mentioning that RP is short an awful lot at the beginning, and at first it began to bother me but then I decided it didn't mind so much, and could even work to your advantage. No guy wants to be reminded of their weakness, and in RP's case it is his height which is continuously being brought up. Maybe you could add some humor by having him murmur that he isn't actually that short at some point, or grumble or something. I would like that a lot. ^^
Nitpick time!
We have the repetition of the word walk here, and we don't necessarily need it. I have shifted the wording in the sentence a little bit to make that repetition disappear: I walk out the door, confidently passing a surprised RP.
Typo! *let
This is a question so don't forget the necessary question mark at the end of this!
Typo! *and
Because you have I sigh coming right on the end of that speech and everything, it makes it seem like Racen is sighing the words. I do know that you meant for Wold to be the one who is saying this, but the way it is formatted is confusing. I think after Wold's speech you need to start a new paragraph instead to avoid this.
Two little spelling mistakes i saw in this chapter. At one point you said 'cereal killer' but it should really be serial killer. And you also put 'wolffish' and I liked the idea of describing Wold's smile like that, with her being a wolf and all ^^ Just remember that it should only actually have one 'f' in there.
This sentence should have an 'I' between the words 'when' and 'get'.
This is another one of those sentences which is actually a question and should have a question mark at the end there.
Typo! *me
You forgot the closing speech marks here, and even though I didn't pull it out after this you need opening speech marks again because Wold keeps speaking. I think you forgot those as well.
I didn't like the repetition of the 'way' at the end of doorway and hallway. But you didn't need to put hallway because you could just say hall instead and avoid the problem.
That's all I have to say. This chapter was pretty good, and it makes me look forward to the next one which I will go and read now.
Deanie x
Hi there! Noelle back again.
I'm at the last part! :'(
This slips back into third person. Racen wouldn't know if Wold steps back involuntarily or not.
A new paragraph should be started once the hobbit starts talking. If not, it just ends up mixing with Wold's dialogue.
To be honest, I don't have anything to say! This chapter is just great. Like Wolfsaid, your dialogue has gotten a lot better. It's much more realistic and I can actually tell which character is talking based on the dialogue. That's one of the cool things about having such developed characters. I think you're well on the way to developing your characters. A job like that is never really done in a novel, maybe not even when it's over. There is always something more about a character that hasn't been found out yet.
The argument here was well executed. It wasn't too much drama, but there was enough said that made it a believable argument. And I actually felt bad for Racen as she decided that she was going to leave.
One thing that I have to say though, is about these prophecies. Wold keeps throwing around the word prophecy and saying things about them. Yet we don't know anything about them. All we know is that there was one mentioned on RP's sword. Other than that, we don't know of any. And neither does Racen. So when Wold is mentioning what this prophecy says, I expected Racen to ask for more information or something like that. She didn't even question when Wold talked about them.
Overall this is great. Everything is really moving along well and the stakes are getting high. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens after this! I really enjoy reading this novel
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, RP!
*swuish-hugs* I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. Your dialogue has gotten so much better, it's amazing. It's tons better with more emotion in it (well, more so than the info-dump dialogue) and it is much more relevant to developing tension and mood than before. However, it still has it's issues which I'll go into further detail later.
Another big thing that I noticed was there was tons of repetition, not just without the chapter itself, but between chapters. The main one I noticed had to be the tone between chapters, but there were other things that seemed to have a moment where I paused and though, "Duh. You just said that." Be careful for those things
Here are some nitpick things:
Gee. This sounds super familiar. I wonder where I've heard it from before? Could it maybe be he very last part I just read twenty minutes ago? No, R4 would never do such a things. (Cough, I think this was said two or three times in the last chapter and then once again, maybe twice, here. Give Wold a better arguement, because you know the definition of insanity, and that's what's happening here, Cough).
This seems to be like a moment that Racen from the future is coming in and talking back in what's happening. It really pulled me out of the story as I thought, well wait a minute. Why is Racen talking about this from the future. I recommend rephrasing that to say something more along the lines that they were very harsh and maybe she didn't want to har. To say something so cruel again. Or just how difficult it was to say or how easily it came made her feel guilty? Not sure. Think about it.
This feels like an empty threat in two ways. How is Racen going to act on this? If RP is genuine about this and he accidentally messes up and Raven leaves, he is the prophesied one and can go and finish the job himself. There doesn't seem to be a reason that he needs Racen, so this threat does fe empty. Also, the emotion just isn't there. It feels like words on a page instead of an actual threat someone one would say, and I leave that up to the reason that before this, the dialogue still seems kind of flat.
Final thing before I'm officially caught up is, this all seems waaay to over dramatic. I don't know, though the dialogue was really flat and just repeating things, Racen seems to over think everything, sort of exaggerating what ever is happening and it doesn't feel serious. It's like everything is being enhanced by ten on the drama meter. Or maybe you could compare it to a Spanish soap opera. Maybe done it down a little bit on the narration on terms of drama and give the dialogue some more life.
I can't wait to see more though! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hello r4p17! CHRISSY321 here doing a REALLY late review to get some more points!
) ok, now for some fixes!
It was so funny! I was honestly the funniest mistake a story has made that I have read so far! Congrats on that! I think I fixed it though unless you were talking about a person who kills cereal! haha, still laughing! 
Keep Writing!
*Happy Review Day!*
This is a very interesting story! I like how the guy in here feels that no one can tell him what to do, and he wants to be in charge of his life! That is amazing! It is like a lesson in a story! (I do not know if it was intentional or not!
In the first paragraph and in theses sentences:
" I'll et him think that. I've put up with him long enough."
I think you meant 'let' instead of 'et' ! That was a easy typo and not your fault! Be on the look out for that!
Okay, now for a funny mistake. I literally laughed out loud when I read this! When you said 'cereal killer' I think you meant 'serial killer' !
Overall this was a good story! I loved the way that you italicized all the words you did. I think that was good! you did a great job, and I really enjoyed that typo.
1.) walk out the door, confidently walking past a surprised RP."
----Few things here:
A.) I am slightly confused what you mean by RP, can you clarify this for me.
B.) This isn't that good of a hook sentence. Remember since this is the beginning of your story (I am assuming) then you want to hook your reader. Write something to draw them in to the rest of the writing.
2.) "I can only imagine the shocked thoughts running through his mind. What is this? Racen walking away from me. She'll never survive in the wild. At least I will be rid of her for good now. I'll et him think that. I've put up with him long enough. If I listened to myself, not him, before now I might not have let things come so far. No more of that anymore."
----Who is this 'him'? It can't be this Racen person since you classified her as a girl. Is it this RP? Anyways I think it would be nice if you clarified this up. Why does your MC think Racen wont be able to survive the wild? Why does your MC give of the feeling that they hate Racen?
3.)"Racen, I'm sure that RP is the one who is destined to kill Chaise. It said that the one who is to kill the dragon has a name that starts with the letter 'R' and that the person would also be short of stature. RP meets both of those requirements. It didn't say the gender, but isn't that proof enough. You can't just walk off an forget the Author's instructions."
-----This is actually nice, because it sets up a mood of suspense. I think it should be brought into more depth but I also believe that you will do that later on in the story.
4.)"I'm not," I say defensively. "I am going to kill Chaise myself!"
----Wait a second, you are making the MC reply to the name Racen but earlier the MC saw Racen walking away from them. This is confusing. Is the character Racen or are they someone else.
******
I am going to stop here. Overall I think that this story is rather interesting and has really good potential. It does seem to go by rather fast, and a lot of things seem to be left unexplained. Since this is the beginning I don't expect everything to be explained but it would be nice if some of the stuff was. Other then that....
God Luck and Continue Writing----Myjaspercat
Uh, Jasper... Sorry to say but this is about 9-ish chapters in the novel. (I didn't write it, but I have reviewed it since the beginning.)