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Typo Alley~​C Part One [Revised]

by r4p17


A/N: Just to let all the readers know, I have decided to switch this for third to first person. I have also begun to write in the present tense. So I hope you enjoy hearing about Racen and her friends! Also, don't worry, Katya is not forgotten! :)

I wake up the next day almost totally exhausted. My body totally wiped out not to mention sore. It can barely support the effort. Last night I was so exhausted I fell asleep after only a few seconds. Even now I'm still tired enough to lie in bed for another five hours. However my ears inform that RP is already up. Glancing up at the sun, I can tell it has only just risen. It must only be six in the morning!

RP busies himself with tending to the fire. His back is to me. I notice that he is still wearing the same red and black plaid shirt he had on yesterday. How gross! I bet his shirt is half made up of sweat by this time! I collapse back onto my pillow and shut my eyes.

I hardly bothered to throw my blanket on the previous night, and as a result my legs have half a dozen bites each. Apparently my skirt hasn't done anything to protect me. I roll my eyes and sigh. Every part of my body cries out begging for attention. My eyes are tired, my head aches, my back is sore, my arms and legs are covered with mosquito bites not to mention being sore, and my feet are sweaty and are already beginning to be covered with blisters. I'm just about as miserable as I can be! Whew! I am so tired.

Wold, who is lying a few feet away from me, wakes up. She sniffs the air around her and for a moment stands up in alarm. Her spine is as tense as a tightrope. After a few moments she calms down; but now she has me worried. I wonder what made her do that?

"What is it?" I ask standing up and reaching for my bow and an arrow in a state of fright.

"Oh, that was the fire. I smelled it and thought the forest was ablaze until I saw the campfire," she says, stretching and shaking herself

Now wide awake, because of Wold's alarm. I begin preparing for the journey that lies before us. When I am ready I go and bathe in a nearby stream. Despite RP's misgivings, Wold was able to convince him that the water was clean enough to drink the previous night. (She, being a wolf, can sense those things much better than any human, or elf for that matter, ever could).

Evidently we are actually closer to the range of mountains than I thought. Because of Wold's discovery, I drink a good cup of water as well as fill up a pale to use for cleaning dishes. By this time I am refreshed and I feel ready to ascend to the highest mountain peak on the island or continent that we are on, not to mention eat two eggs! In fact I do the the latter right away. Though we don't have much to season then with, they're the best eggs I have ever eaten, at least that is in my opinion. They are sooo good! Bathing in the cold water of a stream makes one awfully hungry, not to mention thinking about ascending rough terrain all day.

"Do you want any coffee?" RP asks picking a pot of coffee out of the coals with a thick cloth.

"Yes please," I say. Normally I would refuse but by this time I am still so tired. I need a cup of coffee to keep me awake. I graciously accept the cup he hands me and pour a little cream into it. RP refrains from using it, however.

"Why...aren't you going to put some of the cream into it?" I ask him incredulously. He grins.

"No. I don't like cream all that much to be honest with you. At least not in coffee. I think that it tastes better when you drink it black. I don't know why exactly, but I just do."

"Hmm," I murmur accepting his answer, though I think in my mind that he needs a better reason than just, 'not knowing why exactly'.

As I sip the brownish liquid, I feel it spread throughout by body easing the pain in my joints. I sigh and set it down. Ever so often I pick it up in between bites. Unfortunately RP is so hurried I hardly have time to enjoy it. In less than twenty minutes breakfast is over and we start marching.

"Well let's get going," RP says. I sigh, picking up my pack and starting after him. I quicken my gait to match the fast pace he sets.

As we walk we make our way across the bubbling creek and through a host of trees rising up above the ground all around us for what seems like an eternity. The ground soon begins to slope upward gradually. After an hour we have climbed quite high. It seems as if we are already up a mile high though I know it is probably only about half that much or perhaps a little more based on the map given us by the author.

By midmorning I can tell that we are already into the foothills of the mountains. Unfortunately these extend for a great distance beyond the mountains and we are hardly into them yet. I also know that the farther up we head into the mountains, the harder and rougher the terrain will become.

As we march on we can catch a glimpse of a deer or elk passing by, not to mention scores of smaller creatures such as chipmunks, squirrels, and birds. By this time there are only a couple rabbits here and there, but in general they tend to dwell in lower altitudes. The only other living being we come upon is a coyote standing in a clearing.

My heart begins to beat rapidly and my hands start shaking. What if it comes after us? I don't want to be eaten! Why did the author ever let us wander into this world? Or for that matter why would RP lead us this way if there is a chance of being devoured by a wild animal?

As I stand there dumbfounded, the coyote surveys the three of us with a blank expression on his face. I hope that he isn't hungry for elf! Fortunately when he spots Wold he backs up and wanders into the wood. I smile as I see Wold standing with barred teeth ready to fight the coyote if he were to come near us. She is certainly a devoted creature! RP and I are too frightened to speak not to mention draw our weapons; but Wold stands there courageously. Her courage gives me the strength to continue on at the quick pace RP is setting.

"Well!" RP exclaims. "We better get on the march again. We should get as far away from her and that coyote as we can!"

"I agree." I say, fingering my bow just in case the coyote reappears. But Wold is still determined.

"I think we should chase it down and shoot it," she says. "He will provide a good amount of meat."

However RP reasserts his control and overrides her. "No!" he barks. "We're marching on. The risk is too great." I agree with him and Wold has no choice but to follow.

At about midday we halt on a rocky edifice. We can look over into the valley a hundred feet bellow us as we sit on the rocky cliff top. The cliff forced us to go on a nearly hour long detour through the valley. Now we are finally out of the valley and we catch out first glimpse of the main mountain range ahead of us.

"Well it doesn't look like we are going to gain much by hiking thirty of forty miles up into those mountains," I state flatly. "We will have used up most of our supplies by then won't we?"

"Perhaps—but remember we will certainly find some animal you can shoot by that time."

"We can't bank our hopes on meat alone," I counter. "We may not find something to shoot. Even if we do, it probably won't last us very long. I think we should head back down the mountain and make for the sea." I finish, putting my hands on my hips for emphasis. However RP is just as determined.

"Why should we have any more chance of finding something to eat by heading to the sea?"

"Well there are most likely more animals in a forest than on mountain peaks," I reply.

"Not necessarily. But we still have enough to last us until the end of the day after tomorrow."

"Look," Wold says butting into the conversation. "We already agreed to go to the mountains if I am not mistaken. So I think it would be pointless to turn around yet; however I do think that we do have good reasons to head toward the sea. So I say that we head over these mountains and make our way to the sea on the other side of the range. There is a good chance that we will find some people there who will be willing to shelter us, or at the very least tell us where we should go. So I say that we continue in the direction we are heading."

RP stared at me as if to say, 'I told you so.' I shake my head and shrug. Wold's plan is alright, though I still hold the opinion that we should turn back and head for the sea closest to us. But I decide to hold my peace and let the issue drop. At least no one can blame me now I guess.

"Fine," I say with a sigh. "Let's follow Wold's plan and head across the mountains; but do not say that I am to blame if we run into trouble. Now let's get going."

With that I pick up my pack containing all my belongings and a portion of food and start off into the mountains after RP, with Wold in tow, all of us traveling at the same demanding pace.


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Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:00 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya R4P17 pretzelsing here for another review(since you only have 4 reviews here) and so I came to add mine.
Let's begin,shall we?

I like how you personalize the rest of the book my making this first person and present tense, because YWS needs to see more of those :). This makes it from another perspective and angle, but I understand that it is a bit to adjust with.

I wake up the next day almost totally exhausted. My body totally wiped out not to mention sore.


Okay so here in these two sentences, you use the word "totally" twice. I would cut out one of them or substitute them so that you don't use such obvious repetition.

Even now I'm still tired enough to lie in bed for another five hours.


This kind of popped out at me, why five hours? I don't understand exactly why you choose this number, maybe tell us when she normally goes to sleep and then we will get it.

However my ears inform [me] that RP is already up.


I think that you should add me to make this flow along better, if you see what I mean. I would recommend to read it out loud both ways and see which one you prefer.

I hardly bothered to throw my blanket on the previous night, and as a result my legs have half a dozen bites each.


I was wondering about this and I thought that I could comment. I would really like to know, what type of bite did she get? I assume that it is a bug bite but I would really like for you to be more specific.

My eyes are tired, my head aches, my back (is sore), my arms and legs are covered with mosquito bites not to mention (being sore),


In one sentence(and this isn't even the end of it) you used two times "sore" for two different body parts. I think that you could be more creative for sure and come up with another substitute word, if you see what I mean.

Glancing up at the sun, I can tell it has only just risen. It must only be six in the morning!


How does she know that it is exactly six in the morning. I mean don't elves have very keen hearing,not seeing? Or both?This is what one of my friends pointed out, but I think that you can be more general and vague about it.(unless Racen has some superpower to tell the exact time by the sun placement)

I feel ready to ascend to the highest mountain peak on the island or continent


Woah, that is a very big difference between an island and a continent, starting with size,water on it,etc. I wouldn't say either or for this,because I assume that this is still pretty noticeable.

When I am ready I go and bathe in a nearby stream


I would put a comma after the phrase: "When I am ready"

I am refreshed and I feel ready to ascend to the highest mountain peak on the island or continent that we are on, not to mention eat two eggs! In fact I do the the latter right away.


The second sentence is kind of weirdly phrased. So according to this, if I understand correctly, than Racen first eats the eggs and then second gets ready. I don't really understand what that is all about. Can't she do both at the same time?

Throughout your writing in this specific chapter, I have noticed your tendency to write "not to mention" a lot of times. Maybe that is just a habit,a technique, or part of your writing style but I think that you could definitively thin that out and make is so that that isn't the only phrase that stands out so much, if you see what I mean.

It seems as if we are already up a mile high[,] though I know it is probably only about half that much or perhaps a little more based on the map given us by the author.


I think that you should put a comma between mile high and though I, just because I think that this pause is needed so that the sentence flows better ;)

We should get as far away from her and that coyote as we can!"


When you write it here like this: her and that coyote, does this indicate that they are running away from two thing? Because if so then what is that second thing that they are chasing after?

I hope that he isn't hungry for [an] elf!


I think that you should put the article, "an" in front of elf just to make this floow smoother,if you can see what I mean RP!

So I think it would be pointless to turn around yet; however I do think that we do have good reasons to head toward the sea. So I say that we head over these mountains and make our way to the sea on the other side of the range.


This is no big deal but you started both sentences with "so" and I think that you could strikeout one or both of them.Also this is purely stylistic preference but I think that you could remove the "yet" and the semicolon, and just leave it at two separate sentences.

The thing is, that here I find it very surprising that Racen,Wold,and RP don't really know where they are going. And also why do they have to rush,run, and set a quick pace? Is time a big deal here, because in this chapter you reaaally put some strong emphasis on their time frame, which I don't know if you should. While reading a book, it is important to get a sense of time, but I could read this chapter in five minutes and not feel the time lapse at all, if you see what I mean,RP.

Ohh, Wold is the peaceful mediator between RP and Racen who both are pulling away from eachother and trying to go outside. And YAY! You showed some of the landscape and scenery and I think that you should continue writing that in the next chapter to come. I want to know what type of world they are traveling in. Is it magical/fantasy? Is it a real place on the map of this planet Earth or is it completely made up by the author?

Another thing, is it that realistic for coyotes to be afraid and back away from wolves? I mean, which one is more powerful. I think that in this chapter, it is some for some research from your side, RP. Try to find out if coyotes would act this way. Remember Google if your friend :D

Anyways, that's it from me. If you have any questions,feel free to reply below. I hope that this review truly helps you improve your chapter.

KEEP ON WRITING!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 1:24 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

First person, huh? Should be interesting. This'll definitely change some things, with your writing style and everything. This'll be fun! Let's get to it.

Even now I'm still tired enough to lie in bed for another five hours.

They wouldn't exactly have beds during this adventure, would they? ;) Instead you can say that she was tired enough to just lay there for hours.

You still have Racen's thoughts! Good. I was kind of worried that the change to first person would make a huge difference and really change a lot of things. It seems like it hasn't though.

Now wide awake, because of Wold's alarm. I begin preparing for the journey that lies before us.

These two sentences should be combined. You can put a comma after 'alarm'. I've noticed this a lot in your writing, but I'm only going to point it out once. Going through and picking out every little thing is tedious and frankly very boring. I think maybe you're writing through this so fast that you don't catch little things like this. That's fine of course, but always make sure to go through and edit before posting. I know you do, but really start focusing on your sentences. They can be short and choppy, but they have to be, for lack of a better term, actual sentences. There are at least a handful of sentences in each of these first chapters that can be combined like this. Focus on that when you go back and edit.

I drink a good cup of water as well as fill up a pale to use for cleaning dishes.

Dishes? Man, they're traveling well! :3 This is definitely something that could be described at the beginning of the adventure. I was under the impression that they only had food and water. Now it seems that they have dishes and possibly beds (from what was mentioned earlier). It may not seem super important, but in the grand scheme of things it is. Sometimes the littlest of details make the largest impact.

Evidently we are actually closer to the range of mountains than I thought.

How does she know this? I feel like this sentence should definitely have some imagery and description of the surroundings to back it up. We know that they're heading toward the mountains, but we don't know how close they're getting. Are the mountains a lot closer now? Can Racen see details in the mountainside that she couldn't see before? She just kind of throws this out there without really explaining.

Well, RP is really throwing me for a loop (that is how you use that saying, right? xD). I was dead set on thinking that he was annoying and mean for making Racen and Wold walk so fast and not stop very often, but now he's being all nice. How dare he! hehe. I guess that really tells us a lot about his character. He can be a real stickler when it comes to moving forward and getting to their destination quickly, but he really does care. He wants to be friends with Racen and Wold and he wants to be nice to them. Maybe it was all because he hadn't slept the night before they started on the journey. He seems a lot more subdued now.

I like the part where Racen is seeing as these different animals. That's the kind of thing I want to see more of! She's found animals. Now what about the scenery? The elks may be out grazing in a field of hiding behind trees. The chipmunks could be scurrying across a clearing in the woods or hurrying up a tree. I can assume things with the animals being there, but I still feel like the surroundings are missing.

Yes! I like the description of what they can see from the cliff. That's what I've been looking for this whole time. I wanted to see something that let us know where exactly they were. It's not a lot and definitely not overdone, but it's enough to keep me happy xD Sometimes you don't need all those complicated and intricate descriptions. Simpler is better.

Wold seems to be the glue keeping the ground together. She's not stubborn like Racen so she's the best one to talk to RP. You seem to have thought of everything here. Racen and RP are too like each other so they butt heads. So of course there has to be someone else who can step in and stop them from arguing all the time. That's Wold's job, and she's doing a good job at it. All of these characters are keeping each other in check all while making sure they keep moving forward. That's always something you need in an adventure.

You're doing a great job with moving everyone along. They're not really stopping for anything or making the adventure longer than it should be. They just keep going, arguing along the way xD It won't take them too long to reach their destination, but it'll sure feel like a while with all their squabbling. That's a nice roadblock to put in their way; easy to get around, but annoying to push through. Plus it makes me laugh :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Sep 13, 2014 10:28 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi r4p17!

It's me again! Back here to keep reading more of your lovely story, hehe!

The first thing that I noticed and liked about this was that you took a bit more time to describe the setting here. We got to know what other types of animals were around them and the fact that although they hadn't seen any people to talk to, they weren't really alone. Which is definitely believable on my account. And even though they are all getting along fairly well in this journey, the old argument still arose. Which, again, I found very realistic and I like that fact that we get to see their personalities a bit as well. RP and Racen are both a little stubborn, holding firm on what they think is right. Wold is trying to make a turn that works for both of them and is fair that way. You definitely make her seem like the wisest one in the group ;)

I wake up the next day almost totally exhausted. My body totally wiped out not to mention sore.


You need a comma after the 'wiped out'. Also, I am sure you can understand how confusing that sentence is. Because she is almost totally exhausted. How can she be totally almost anything? It would be much less confusing if you got rid of both words because the sentence without them already brings across their meaning well enough. Or, if you would really like to still include one of them, then you sure can!

It can barely support the effort.


I felt like there needed to be a little bit more to that sentence. It can barely support the effort of what? Waking up, standing up..?

However my ears inform that RP is already up.


However needs a comma after it. Also, in between the words 'inform' and 'that' I think having the word 'me' would make this line run smoothly.

I can tell it has only just risen. It must only be six in the morning!


I know she may be good at sun placement but how can she determine the exact time from such a thing? Maybe something a little bit more vague would do, like it must be somewhere around six in the morning, or it must be way before six in the morning. That means it can be any time that falls into the around or before category, giving us a lot of freedom.

he is still wearing the same red and black plaid shirt he had on yesterday


I don't really blame RP for it though. Racen seems to be in the same skirt as before, and I am also assuming she is in the same shirt too. Seeing as she just woke up and they're not really stopping long enough for clothes to dry after they've been washed, no one can blame RP. And if Racen did change, when did she do that? Mention it to us!

my back is sore, my arms and legs are covered with mosquito bites not to mention being sore


You mention sore here twice. I feel like you could still include it in a jokey way. Like having in brackets (did I mention that I feel sore?) which would suit Racen's snarky personality a bit. Otherwise, I would suggest cutting the repeat out.

She sniffs the air around her and for a moment stands up in alarm. Her spine is as tense as a tightrope. After a few moments she calms down;


Hm, for a moment is repeated here, even if the second one has a little bit of a different spin on it. I suggest you also change the first one in particular because I would imagine the fact that Wold bolts upright so suddenly is a bit scary and not as calm as 'for a moment' makes it sound. So perhaps you could have her 'suddenly' stand up in alarm or something of the sort.

I wonder where they got all these eggs from suddenly? I mean, they had no food and suddenly had all these eggs! Maybe you should mention something like RP or Racen looking through the trees to find a nest for eggs, or maybe Wold scared off some ground creature and they found eggs. Just remember that they are out in the wild and things can't come too conveniently to them anymore.

"Why...aren't you going to put some of the cream into it?"


I would correct you on to how you would use an ellipsis, but in this case it isn't needed. Because that ellipsis would actually work much better as a comma instead, really.

I feel it spread throughout by body easing the pain in my joints. I sigh and set it down. Ever so often I pick it up in between bites.


*Every
Also, it should be 'spread throughout my body.'

RP and I are too frightened to speak not to mention draw our weapons;


Comma needed after the word 'speak'.

Why should we have any more chance of finding something to eat by heading to the sea


This sentence runs better if the should becomes a would instead.

"Well there are most likely more animals in a forest than on mountain peaks


Comma needed after the first word.

We already agreed to go to the mountains if I am not mistaken.


Comma needed after the word 'mountains.'

There really isn't much more for me to say! This adventure is steadily progressing. For the sake of the story I hope they encounter a problem or something big soon to make it a bit more exciting. Like a villain that is against their progress, or a new character or something to space up the journey. But, seeing as Katya hasn't been forgotten, maybe something will happen surrounding her soon. I just need a tad more excitement and surprise.

Looking forward to reading more!

Deanie x




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Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:06 pm
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Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello r4p17, sorry I'm so late.

First off, this was great! I like how you made it so there are pretty much two sort of rivals, and a peacemaker. It makes sense that the canine would make peace, they are pack animals.
The description of Racen's pain was pretty intriguing, although "not to mention being sore" is a little bit repetitive.

fill up a pale to use for cleaning dishes.
I do believe you meant "pail", unless this is another Typo you plan on using.

Ever so often
Every? But ever sort of works too.

On the whole, great job! I'm not going to hesitate to get to the next chapter.

~Kelpies.




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review!



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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, R4P17. Wolf here for a review.

Alright, so I'm only a paragraph in this, and I want to note, the word 'exhausted' has already been used three times. The first two sentences are basically the same thing excepted worded slightly differently and with a little different information added into that. Try not to repeat words or phrases too often, just as starting three sentences in different ways, rather than just starting them all with 'I' (which was done as well.)

So, I kind of feel like the middle portion was a bit rushed. Yes, I can understand how tedious it is to try and write out every single detail of a trip, thus the importance of summarizing occurs, but try not to completely fly through it either. How was Racen feeling during it? Did time drag on? Did she hope that they'd slow down and walk? What was she thinking about during most of it? Try adding more thoughts into this and try to balance out the narration with everything else, from descriptions to action to dialogue, etc., etc.

One more thing, again about RP, is that his character isn't really staying consistent with other parts. So before he was all overbearing and demanding, while here he seemed more lax and cooperative. Again, people can change in different circumstances, but Racen or Wold pay no notice. Really, it seems like character interaction is a little limited here, so maybe add something like everyone was too tried to talk, or there was a silence while they ate, yada, yada.

For praise, I'm really interested in the plot of this. Really, there hasn't been a clear plot established, but I kind of like that. They have little goals they have to accomplish and find out what to do along the way. You chose a very interesting and unique topic to write about, really breaking the fourth wall with all the author business. So work on those few things, and I'll be waiting eagerly for more. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review. I see what you mean about the first paragraph. It was a little sloppy. I needed to readjust with this chapter to get make in the writing mood. But I will go back and fix the errors. :P

As for the mid section, I kind of get what you are trying to say. I think that would be a good place to add some description. Anyway, I guess I better start editing ;) Or at least enough editing to make this look decent



r4p17 says...


I have made major revisions to this. I even added another scene. I hope this looks better than it did when I first posted it! :P



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Sat Aug 09, 2014 12:13 am
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AdmiralKat says...



YEAHHHH! *I'll be sure to read this later* I've been forgotten... :(




r4p17 says...


No you haven't I am going to have you in the next part of the chapter. I promise you.



AdmiralKat says...


0-0 I'm scared.



r4p17 says...


Why?



AdmiralKat says...


I feel like I might become the villain. XD



r4p17 says...


No! Why would you become the villain?



AdmiralKat says...


Well, you know the thing where the characters gets taken away for some reason and then they become evil. XD *I mean I wouldn't mind to be evil, but whatever*



Wolfare1 says...


Make her evil!



AdmiralKat says...


NOOO xd



r4p17 says...


Don't worry I won't; at least I won't if you give me a review by the end of the week :P



pretzelsing says...


*Ping* this was written a long time ago,Katya XD time to review this(especially since it's review day)



pretzelsing says...


*Ping* this was written a long time ago,Katya XD time to review this(especially since it's review day)



AdmiralKat says...


0.o THANK YOU PRETZ! I will so review this... one day. :D




When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides