Heya R4P17 pretzelsing here for another review(since you only have 4 reviews here) and so I came to add mine.
Let's begin,shall we?
I like how you personalize the rest of the book my making this first person and present tense, because YWS needs to see more of those . This makes it from another perspective and angle, but I understand that it is a bit to adjust with.
I wake up the next day almost totally exhausted. My body totally wiped out not to mention sore.
Okay so here in these two sentences, you use the word "totally" twice. I would cut out one of them or substitute them so that you don't use such obvious repetition.
Even now I'm still tired enough to lie in bed for another five hours.
This kind of popped out at me, why five hours? I don't understand exactly why you choose this number, maybe tell us when she normally goes to sleep and then we will get it.
However my ears inform [me] that RP is already up.
I think that you should add me to make this flow along better, if you see what I mean. I would recommend to read it out loud both ways and see which one you prefer.
I hardly bothered to throw my blanket on the previous night, and as a result my legs have half a dozen bites each.
I was wondering about this and I thought that I could comment. I would really like to know, what type of bite did she get? I assume that it is a bug bite but I would really like for you to be more specific.
My eyes are tired, my head aches, my back (is sore), my arms and legs are covered with mosquito bites not to mention (being sore),
In one sentence(and this isn't even the end of it) you used two times "sore" for two different body parts. I think that you could be more creative for sure and come up with another substitute word, if you see what I mean.
Glancing up at the sun, I can tell it has only just risen. It must only be six in the morning!
How does she know that it is exactly six in the morning. I mean don't elves have very keen hearing,not seeing? Or both?This is what one of my friends pointed out, but I think that you can be more general and vague about it.(unless Racen has some superpower to tell the exact time by the sun placement)
I feel ready to ascend to the highest mountain peak on the island or continent
Woah, that is a very big difference between an island and a continent, starting with size,water on it,etc. I wouldn't say either or for this,because I assume that this is still pretty noticeable.
When I am ready I go and bathe in a nearby stream
I would put a comma after the phrase: "When I am ready"
I am refreshed and I feel ready to ascend to the highest mountain peak on the island or continent that we are on, not to mention eat two eggs! In fact I do the the latter right away.
The second sentence is kind of weirdly phrased. So according to this, if I understand correctly, than Racen first eats the eggs and then second gets ready. I don't really understand what that is all about. Can't she do both at the same time?
Throughout your writing in this specific chapter, I have noticed your tendency to write "not to mention" a lot of times. Maybe that is just a habit,a technique, or part of your writing style but I think that you could definitively thin that out and make is so that that isn't the only phrase that stands out so much, if you see what I mean.
It seems as if we are already up a mile high[,] though I know it is probably only about half that much or perhaps a little more based on the map given us by the author.
I think that you should put a comma between mile high and though I, just because I think that this pause is needed so that the sentence flows better
We should get as far away from her and that coyote as we can!"
When you write it here like this: her and that coyote, does this indicate that they are running away from two thing? Because if so then what is that second thing that they are chasing after?
I hope that he isn't hungry for [an] elf!
I think that you should put the article, "an" in front of elf just to make this floow smoother,if you can see what I mean RP!
So I think it would be pointless to turn aroundyet; however I do think that we do have good reasons to head toward the sea. So I say that we head over these mountains and make our way to the sea on the other side of the range.
This is no big deal but you started both sentences with "so" and I think that you could strikeout one or both of them.Also this is purely stylistic preference but I think that you could remove the "yet" and the semicolon, and just leave it at two separate sentences.
The thing is, that here I find it very surprising that Racen,Wold,and RP don't really know where they are going. And also why do they have to rush,run, and set a quick pace? Is time a big deal here, because in this chapter you reaaally put some strong emphasis on their time frame, which I don't know if you should. While reading a book, it is important to get a sense of time, but I could read this chapter in five minutes and not feel the time lapse at all, if you see what I mean,RP.
Ohh, Wold is the peaceful mediator between RP and Racen who both are pulling away from eachother and trying to go outside. And YAY! You showed some of the landscape and scenery and I think that you should continue writing that in the next chapter to come. I want to know what type of world they are traveling in. Is it magical/fantasy? Is it a real place on the map of this planet Earth or is it completely made up by the author?
Another thing, is it that realistic for coyotes to be afraid and back away from wolves? I mean, which one is more powerful. I think that in this chapter, it is some for some research from your side, RP. Try to find out if coyotes would act this way. Remember Google if your friend
Anyways, that's it from me. If you have any questions,feel free to reply below. I hope that this review truly helps you improve your chapter.
KEEP ON WRITING!
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