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Typo Alley~L Part One

by r4p17


"Wake up. Racen, wake up," I hear a voice calling out of a dream.

"I am awake," I reply, rather befuddled.

No reply. Only a cold, damp objet being tossed onto my forehead. I try to swat it off, but a firm hand stops me. RP? No. But close to it. It has the same dwarvish feel to it. I feel like my eyes are very heavy and I can't seem to close them; or can I not open them?

I move my hands up to my eyes and forcefully peel them open. With a flash the world comes to life. I jump up and scream. The guards. Where are they?

"Relax, Racen," Wold says softly. "We are safe here, now."

I sit back and lean against the tree that I was propped up on. It appears we are somewhere in the middle of the forest. I can barely see the sun through the dense cover of the trees, but I can tell that it is in about to set. The cover of darkness will protect us.

I look around to see who touched me. I see Aiey holding a cloth rag in her hand. She must have been trying to cool me down. I feel like I might have a slight fever. Aiey was probably trying to treat it. Chicory is also here. They were the two people is saw jumping off the wagon, I realize.

"Here, Racen," she says, "put this cloth on your forehead. I think you overheated. It isn't a fever though, which is good."

"Yes indeed," I wholeheartedly agree. "I think I will be ready to move in a minute or two if I can ride a horse. I'm not quite feeling up to walking for more than a few feet now."

"There's no rush," Wet says. He strolls up to us leisurely." I'm pretty sure the thane doesn't have his hunting dogs scented for us and his soldiers don't stand a chance at finding us after we lost them, especially in the twilight. They don't have any trained trackers among them."

"If they do, we don't need to worry," RP says. "I can take them out."

"Perhaps," Wet says. "I'd rather not take any chances."

"I hope they share your sentiment," RP mumbles under his breath.

"I'm not taking the chance that they do either. If we hear movement we will remain perfectly still in hopes that perhaps they will pass by us. Even if we think they have spotted us, we should remain perfectly still. The way that people are most often spotted is by moving. If they would just stay put they wouldn't be seen. A flying penny is more likely to be seen out of the corner of your eye than one right in front of you, sitting on the ground."

"Fine," RP grumbles. "If you insist. And there's no need to lecture us."

"I do. These people aren't our enemies. Not our main ones. Our main one is Chaise. He should hold all our attention."

"Yes, yes, I know," RP said grinding his teeth.

"I hope you do," Wet says shortly.

A peaceful, yet tense silence creeps over the forest. Peaceful in the sense that there is no noise and all is calm, but tense because of RP and Wet's differing opinions. I would almost rather hear sounds coming our way than not hear anything and not know if there's someone hiding in a nearby bush waiting to jump out at us. I suppose my fears are a bit illogical, but I can't shake them. And even though I want to hear some noises, my body tenses up every time I even hear soft, barely audible sound.

"I think I am going to go and scout around the area. If there is anyone near us then we will move away from them and if there isn't I guess that means we have found a good hiding spot, and we won't be found any time soon."

"Do you want me to come with you?" RP asks.

"No," Wet snaps. "Dwarves are too loud, not to mention impetuous. You just stay right here and protect the rest if anyone gets near you. I don't think it would be wise to take our only warrior away from the main party."

"I can fight," Wold protests indignantly.

"True. Still, it would leave the rest of us more vulnerable. I am just playing it safe. I wouldn't want harm to befall us after we have already come so far. Better safe than sorry."

Wet starts creeping through the trees and underbrush with the ease of a forest native, though his movements are rather slow. I follow his movement with ease until he enters a thick patch in the forest. He can't be more than ten or twenty yards away. I am sure I wouldn't be able to spot him if I hadn't already hadn't hadmy eyes on him. He is a natural at navigating through forests like this from the look of it. He is certainly better than I am or will ever be.

When he is out of site I sit back and relax, scooting away from the tree and it's uncomfortable roots. The others join me or pace around nervously. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the forest. Off in the distance the frogs and crickets start their nighttime serenade.

Surprisingly, the sounds of nature seem to calm me down, despite sounding a little bit disharmonious. The chirping of the crickets and birds clash and the bass of the frogs is rather irregular, but they do distract me worrying about Wet.

~~~

"It's time to wake up, Racen," Wold says.

I roll over and hit one of the tree roots, jolting me awake. The sun is streaming through the trees. It is streaming right into my face. Perfect.

"I'm tired," I complain.

"Be as it may, you still need to wake up," RP says as he walks by, seeming to tower above me. "Unless, that is, you want to be left behind."

"I'm afraid that he's right, Racen," would admits.

"Oh, fine," I say grumpily, turning over again jump up with surprising speed. I expect to see food cooking over a fire, but my expectations are shattered. Of course we wouldn't be foolish enough to cook anything.

"Do you have any food to spare?" I ask Wet.

"No, I'm afraid I didn't think to bring any. But Chicory went on ahead of us to see if the guards had searched her home. She was planning on packing something for us to eat on the way down to Southsford. We should be able to get some lunch there. Hope fully the guards didn't ransack her home. We might have to wait till noon before we eat anything."

My spirits fall, but at least RP will be even worse off. It's too bad we didn't get to eat anything yesterday evening. I haven't eaten since noon yesterday.

"How far is Southsford?" Wold asks Wet.

"Two or three leagues, I should say," Wet replies, then adds, "A league is three miles."

"So that will take us half a day to get there?"

"No, I don't think so. I have arranged to get horses for everyone along the way. We have to walk another half hour, or so, to get there and then we will ride south to the docks of Southsford. I've also arranged for a ferry ride us away from Arsham."

"Where do you plan to from there?" RP asks curiously.

"I was planning on heading to Suetræ." RP rolled his eyes. I can imagine was thinking about how stupid the name was, or something along those lines. I personally like the name. It almost sounds elvish. Something about that language of Gothriande tells me that I will really enjoy staying in that country.

Hearing the name wipes all the sleepiness I felt just moments ago away. Now I am as wide awake as if it were midday. I'm absolutely wonderful.

"You look awfully cheerful this morning," Wet observes.

"Yes. I guess I am excited to be moving again aft being stuck in a prison for so long. I guess I didn't exactly realize how much I enjoy traveling. At any rate, it is far better than sitting in a dirty dungeon."

"Well, I can't argue with you on that one RP," comments. I smile wryly in return.

"There's a first time for everything, I guess."

"Yeah, I never thought I would hear you say that you like traveling."

"Well, I do. I just don't like all of the walking," I counter. "I don't think I mind traveling on a horse, and river boating seems like an even more pleasant prospect.

"I hate horses," RP grumbles. "Too high up and they smell horrible."

Wet interrupts us by telling us that we need to get moving right away. I look around and locate my bow quickly, picking it up. It is the only thing I have to carry for a change. It is nice to not have a heavy pack on my back

We walk at a brisk pace thought the forest, but I don't really mind too much. I am glad of the opportunity to stretch my legs and even though it is a little cold, I don't mind too much because my blood is flowing. After half an hour of walking the sun's heat has started to heat up the world and my blood is pumping quickly. I even feel a little bit hot and am glad that there is a gentle breeze blowing over the cultivated fields that we traverse as we exit the forest.

I soon begin to recognize some of the landmarks around us. I notice the ridge overlooking Chicory's house. We slowly begin to climb. Wet tells us wait for a minute until he has finished his recon mission. He crawls up the ridge at what seems like a snail's pace. He is worried that if we travel along the side of the ridge we will run into a patrol. It is only logical that they would send a group up there because of the beautiful vantage point. Once we arrive in the valley, they could spot us just as easily if they go glance up even casually.

Aiey, Wold, RP, and I wait in the middle of some cornfield. We are crouching like a group of rabbits hiding guiltily in a garden when the gardener in sitting up on the porch within clear view of us. I feel like a rabbit right now too. I am just a small piece in a wide world. A hunted piece.

"Well, it might take a little longer to get some food than Wet projected," RP grumbles. It has been half an hour or more already, I am sure of it. If only I had some breakfast, I would be ready to go for another eight hours."

The inactivity and proximity to RP soon begin to sour my mood.

Seeing that his comment is received with indifference, RP tries a different tack. "I saw a few wild berries back in the forest. They aren't much, and they probably wouldn't do more than make increase appetites, but I have to get something in my stomach. Perhaps one of us should go back and gather some of them."

"Some of them might be poisonous, RP," Wold cautions. "Besides, splitting up and retracing our steps isn't very wise. If anyone has picked up our trail they might run into one of us."

"Fine, fine, if you insist. I suppose you're right," he admits. "Oh, and there is Wet! We should be moving again." But when Wet arrives, RP's expectations are shattered.

"Well, I saw a group coming toward me on the ridge. I got behind a cluster of boulders nearby and was able to slip away. I want to wait here for ten or fifteen more minutes that will reduce the chance of them spotting us. I doubt they will send a second group that same way. The thane doesn't have enough men. He probably lost a third of his men in the venture with you. They are all in the hospital with wounds."

"Oh come on! Let's get moving!" RP complains. He is being more grumpy than usual.

"I wish we could. It irks me when we have to stop like this. But we don't have much choice."

"What if they have picked up our trail in the forest and they are following us?" RP asks, echoing Wold's suspicion.

"If so, they probably won't be here for a little bit. We can move away to avoid them, though only if we need to."

"I say we just kill them," RP argues vehemently. I reward him with a withering glare.

"No," Wet says. "That would be what an amateur fool would do. If we did that then they would eventually be discovered. The base would be waiting for them to come back in at some point and they would send another team out to find them that would lead them to our trail again. Besides, as I have said before and will say again, why should we fight those who are not the true enemy needlessly. Our mission is to reach Chaise. We must get rid of him first."

For the next few minutes we sit there in the field of some hobbit. The birds are now at the height of their morning concert. Rehearsal was done a long time ago, that is if birds even need a rehearsal. Perhaps they already know how to sing well from birth. It does seem like they are naturals at it. Who knows?

We continue making our way silently through a glade in a small wood and skirt our way along the top of the ridge, exposed to view from the valley for about five minutes. Before descending toward the direction of the river and Chicory's farm. I spot movement of a few figures in the valley, but they are all ordinary hobbits. If they weren't we would be able to tell by the shining metal from their armor and/or their weapons.

As we never the foot of the ridge I spot a figure moving at Chicory's farm. I can't tell if it is

Hazel, Chicory or a soldier.

"That figure looks like a soldier," Wet says. He has keener eyes than the rest of us. I wish I could share his ability. It is a myth that elves have keener eyesight. We can actually hear better. That might explain for why it always seems like RP is always yelling at me. Either that or he just likes to yell.

"I agree," Wold says. I think I can smell him. He smells like . . . like he hasn't taken a shower in a month."

Wet chuckles. "There are advantages and disadvantages to being able to smell so well." Then he changes his tone. "But that isn't good that there is a soldier there. I think Chicory would have retraced her steps and found us by now, but she's nowhere in sight."

"Well, it is a good thing if she isn't in sight, most likely," Wold counters. That could very well mean that she has found a hiding place and is waiting for us."

"True. But this still throws our plan off. You will be starved by the time we get to Southsford."

"We already are starving," RP growls. "We have been starving since we got woke up this morning." RP opens his mouth as if to say something else, but Wet cuts him off.

"Duck!"


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Sat May 07, 2016 6:51 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey r4! I'm finally getting around to this ^^ I read this ages ago and I haven't read previous reviews, so just bear with me! (It may also be very scattered >.> )

So! I don't feel the beginning of this is very strong. Honestly, you miss a really good opportunity to sort out the scene, get back into the tone of the character, etc. Instead of skipping to the overdone "Hey wake up!" you could have her slowly waking up and trying to get her bearings. As of now, it's a really jarring transition from the last chapter. Be more descriptive and such ~

Speaking of more descriptive, what does Racen mean by "dwarvish feel"? This is yet another chance to give some more details as Racen is waking up. Does that mean rough hands, a strong grip, a weird feel to the hand on her skin? This could also be a good opportunity to characterize them more, since it could be rough hands since they use them so much, etc., etc.

I feel like my eyes are very heavy and I can't seem to close them; or can I not open them?


So, a great reviewer has once told me about a "word slashing ninja". Basically, this is to try to cut out unnecessary phrases to make each word as meaningful as possible. For instance, "I feel like" doesn't need to be there for the sentence to make sense. As well, you could probably replace heavy with a much stronger phrase. Finally, how can she not know if her eyes are open or not? She could either see or not >.>

This also brings me to my next point: Racen is sort of "taking over" the narration. And that seems like a total contradiction of what I've said in the past, but I don't mean as what's happening, but more sentence structure. For a good majority of the sentence, the subject is I as well as most others some other pronoun for a person. Try to vary things up a little because it not only helps the flow of things, but it's a lot more interesting to read!

This is kind of a small thing, but in the very starting paragraph, Racen mentions a dwarvish hand grabbing her arm (I remember because I commented on it :P) but then she's suddenly able to peel her eyes open and then jump up afterwards. Wouldn't someone be restraining her? Where did the hand go? Either I misunderstood what was happening or that detail is overlooked. Either way, please try to stay consistent and look over that.

So, I feel like I've mentioned this before, but this is a new review after months of break, so I will mention it again -- the narration feels very, very stiff. We don't get much description of the area or what's happen. We just get an "obvious" statements about what the characters are doing. We're being told. It's not super engaging. It's like watching something when you want to be a part of it. As I said, varying things up with sentence structure would totally help, but just in general, try to be a little more descriptive to pull in! (Not to mention, add some Racen flavor to that narration. Giver her a voice!)

Adri mentioned dialogue below. My quick advice is to read it out loud to yourself. If it sounds awkward to you, it's awkward to read and then you can edit it ^^

So, when Racen is first woken up, she just wakes up and then jumps up only to later mention that she thinks she can walk a few steps? So which is it? Is Racen up and ready to go or is still weak? If she has this slight fever than she would definitely feel more sick and a lot more groggy than she is now. I mean, she instantly starts analyzing what all the other people are her are doing when she should still be blurry eyed and half asleep or just sluggish in general thought.

(I'm also a little confused because we're not told anything at all about how they lost the guards or how long it's been and how long they've been resting. Try to make this a little more clear? As well, Racen doesn't seem to be trying hard to figure out what happened. Wouldn't she want to be updated on what has occurring what was out?

So, I think I've said this before, but I'm going to reiterate. If you're going to have a scene with a lot of dialogue in it, try to include other things as well. Such as dialogue tags, facial expressions, reactions to words and just general actions -- what they're doing. As they're talking, is RP sharping a stick into a spear or maybe Wet is looking at a map or whatever. Something to make it a lot less of just a conversation.

I am sure I wouldn't be able to spot him if I hadn't already hadn't hadmy eyes on him.


Super wordy. Condense. <-- that was in my notes. So, do some word slashing ninja! Also, in that paragraph, she talks about following Wet's movements into the forest. At first, I'd thought she meant physically following them, but because there wasn't a lot of dialogue tags I was confused that it wasn't Racen who was going scouting and actually Wet and that could be a whole lot more clear.

My spirits fall, but at least RP will be even worse off.


How is this a good thing? Actually. I don't understand.

So, thinking about the entirity of this novel and some of the points that I keep coming back to, I have to ask the question, why is Racen the narrator? What does she bring to the table that wouldn't work if another character narrated? Why are we in her head in first person? What does that add to the story? And honestly, she doesn't even seem like the main character anymore. If anything, it seems like more eyes on RP and what he does/says instead of Racen. So, try to bring Racen out a little more and show us why she was chosen as the main character.

(What happened to Aiey? She was mentioned once and now she's gone. As well as Racen's fever?)

Another questions that I have to ask is how does Wet know so much about the thane? He talks about him as if he were best friends and says matter-o-factly "oh, all the guards are in the hospital!" Things like this seem to happen a lot, when a character or the narration says something that they would have no way of knowing. Just watch out for things like this ~

We continue making our way silently through a glade in a small wood and skirt our way along the top of the ridge, exposed to view from the valley for about five minutes.


Final thing involves this quote and is also really general. So, it seems that there are a lot of instances where there is either a super strange jump or just inconsistencies between what happened in the rest of the chapter (for instance, Racen is ready to go in the first half and then exhausted in the second, where she'd gotten more sleep in the second half?) and here. The paragraph before, they were cowering sitting and waiting. Now they're moving again? I feel like I just missed something.

So sorry that took me so long to get through, but I'm here now and ready to continue!

Happy writing,
~ Wolfe




r4p17 says...


I've actually decided to go back to third person in the second draft, when I get around to it. I think that will help vary things up. Also, I'm more comfortable with third person, so that will make things easier.

Thanks for the review!



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Thu Mar 17, 2016 3:39 am
Evander wrote a review...



Hey, r4! Adrian here with a review. I gotta admit, I've only read the first few chapters and that was a while ago, so I apologize if not everything in this review applies to what you've already written.

The character dialogue mostly sounds the same, which sounds like the narration, which sounds like the snippets of inner thoughts that we see from Racen. There is no difference between what Wold says and what RP says, except for maybe the message behind their words. Their choice of words sounds like they're in an academic setting. If I take out a piece of dialogue from a character and remove the tag, then it's almost impossible to tell the difference between all of the characters. They lack individual voices.

This is highlighted by the fact that the chapter looks to be mostly dialogue. From another quick glance over, there aren't that many breaks from the constant flow of dialogue. The longest break looks to be about four paragraphs and there's near the end.

From what I can tell, these characters are all different fantasy races, correct? An elf would probably speak different from a dwarf, who of course would have different mannerisms and tics that are completely different from a human's. They would all have different dialect or different slang -- perhaps even mixing it up every once in while from exposure. As I said before, this feels like they're in an academic setting. Like they're going to be judged if they don't speak 'properly'.

We are crouching like a group of rabbits hiding guiltily in a garden when the gardener in sitting up on the porch within clear view of us. I feel like a rabbit right now too. I am just a small piece in a wide world. A hunted piece.

The set up to this simile feels a little bit long winded and almost comical.

It would also help a bit if there was a bit more description here and there, alongside with the dialogue in order to give a better view of the setting. While there are certainly Racen's personal opinions after bits of dialogue, there doesn't seem to be that much description. Although, that might just be personal preference.

I feel like I might have a slight fever.

Instead of outrightly saying that, Racen could talk about how her head hurt or how she was burning up slightly. Just stating that she felt like she had a slight fever downplays that almost and is almost disconnected from what she's actually going through, even if it doesn't turn out to be a big deal. In fact, on that note, a lot of what happens to her feels disconnected and like it's not happening to her in the moment.

Sorry that I don't have much to offer in terms of character development and plot. But I do hope that you'll keep on writing!

~Adrian, Knight of RED




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Thu Jan 21, 2016 7:30 am
SemperAugustus wrote a review...



Hi,
I haven't read any of your other chapters so I'll review this as a standalone.
There are a few parts at the start that make it hard to get into the story. At the start you mentioned that the main character's eyes are very heavy. I would take out very since the word never adds any additional information. Also the description is unclear to me. You mention that his eyes are heavy but he can't open or close them. If they are heavy, doesn't mean that he is sleepy?
At another section, you add a things that Racen suggests.
"She must have been trying to cool me down. I feel like I might have a slight fever. Aiey was probably trying to treat it."
All three sentences lead to him suggesting what happened. I think if you add a wet rag or something nearby, the reader can make that connection instead of the main character having to spell it out.
I also noticed that you tell a lot of the things that happen.
"A peaceful, yet tense silence creeps over the forest. Peaceful in the sense that there is no noise and all is calm, but tense because of RP and Wet's differing opinions."
The passage before that shows the different opinions. If the main character is aware of this, he wouldn't form this to another thought. Also, the structure of the thought seems unrealistic. I think something like: "I don't understand why RP and Wet can't agree for once." Implies the same thing, but doesn't spell it out for the reader.
Another example of telling too much is:
"I think I am going to go and scout around the area. If there is anyone near us then we will move away from them and if there isn't I guess that means we have found a good hiding spot, and we won't be found any time soon."
I think just saying I'm going to scout around, is enough. No one would go into that level of detail to explain their actions. You could add someone questioning his motives. And then follow it up: "you've always been that way. Careless. If they're still tracking us, we need to find another spot until ... Recovers. Maybe in the trees if he can climb." I'm just making things up, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.





Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird