I watch pensively as RP rushes on the thane and his guards. The guards form a circle around the thane to protect him, but RP is not dissuaded from joining in battle with them. Hotheadedly, he charges into battle. I hope he doesn't hurt himself! Should I help him? I know he doesn't have any reason to fight, but after losing Katya I don't think I could bare to lose him again, that would be too much pain in too short I time. Oh, I don't know what to do!
With a sudden rush of impulse I yell and charge into the fray without a weapon. I quickly scarf one up from the body of a fallen guard and brandish it threateningly. The sword simply flails back and forth. I don't really know what to do with it, but I try to help RP.
One of the guards knocks me down roughly. It was more like a tackle of anything, but that doesn't really matter. As he falls on top of me I try to roll out of the way, but he pins me down and I can't move.
"Get off of me!" I shout. I try everything I can think of to get out from under him. This isn't working well!
Finally RP pushed the hobbit off of me. I thank him briefly before focusing my efforts on the next guard.
"Leave these guards to me, Racen," RP shouts. "I can handle them all with Báuräc in my hands!" They can't do anything to hurt me. They are just common soldiers.
"The least I can do is try," I tell him, deflecting a jab at my chest just in time.
RP expertly disarms the guard he is facing as I continue fighting. Soon all of the guards are disarmed or wounded in some way or other. No one stands in the way of way of RP and I.
"You didn't really think that all of your measly guards could deal with me, did you?" RP asks. "I don't even know why you bothered bringing them along if they are so useless!
The thane stands in front of us, stunned. I guess he wasn't expecting that to happen to him. "I... err... well, I guess you and your companion are such expert swordsmen that they were no match for you."
"No. You don't understand anything. Racen was more of a distraction. It wasn't even so much that I am a good swordsman. It is the blade, Báuräc. It enhances the fighting abilities of whoever wears it. You should pay a little more heed to what people say! This sword is blessed! Your guards wouldn't stand a chance against me with Báuräc in my hands!"
The thane stands there with a look on his face that could make a hardened warrior frown. He looks quite pitiful if you ask me.
"Well, what do you want? What's the point of this whole thing!"
"The point is that you should not make a dwarf bow!" I say, stepping in to help RP. As much as I don't like him, I still want to try to work toward accomplishing the mission the Author sent us here to do. I have a plan that I hope will help get us there! "You should really use RP as a bodyguard, you know! Who knows what will happen when those raiders get there fill of raiding farms and eating corn and bread! They will soon come for you and it is evident that the skill of your 'guards' is lacking!"
"What are you talking about? What raiders! You mean those ordinary thieves. If you think that my guards are weak and pithily then you should go into their camp," he retorts with a shooing motion as if to ward us off.
"We plan on doing that already, but if you consider them so weak then why don't you send a few or your guards along? Perhaps they will fight hard enough to regain some of the honor that we took from them?"
"I'll do nothing of the kind! Don't be so foolish!"
"She isn't foolish! She might not be a good fighter, but her brain is better than yours, or perhaps even mine!"
"Humph! Well, she may have a point. But I only give you two dozen of my guards. Do what you want with them! The rest belong to me. If you get caught in a trap don't blame me!"
"We won't!" RP confidently asserts. I am sure that we will be just fine!"
"I wouldn't be so sure of myself! I will summon the rest of my guards and send them to you tomorrow. For now, take these scum that should have defended me with you! I care little for them if they are so pitifully hopeless!"
The thane stormed off turning on his heel and trying to convey some sense of military bearing. Of course, as is to be expected, he failed utterly!
"What do you plan to do, Racen?" RP asks, for the first time? Why do you want to attack the raiders?"
"I plan to fight them. They are servants of Chaise. Our instructions are supposedly to take out Chaise, or at least deal with his followers."
"What?" RP asked, clearly confused. Who in the world is this Chaise? Why do you want to go after him. What good with that do. And what do you mean, instructions?"
"You... you wouldn't know would you. You didn't come to the meeting."
RP gives me a puzzled look and then shrugs walking away, clearly annoyed by my speech. He never knew I was meeting with other typos.
"Let me explain. I was meeting with Aiey, the dwarf that you met. She and two of her friends, they are Typos as well, form another group of Typos. Apparently there are multiple groups."
"And what about these... instructions." He stands straight, trying to look tall, with his arms folded and brown bear brisling like a phalanx of spearmen.
"Oh, yes. Apparently Aiey is one of the Typos that can supposedly talk with the Author, also known as an Instruction Typo because they receive instructions from the Author. The Author want us to go after Chaise, a dragon."
RP laughs sardonically, then gives me a serious look telling me, There's no way I'm going after a dragon. He looks firm and immovable. He isn't going to back down. I silently curse those stubborn dwarves under my breath. I can't see why they are always so persistent.
"I thought for a moment you had a plan, then I though you were joking. But the look on your face tells me otherwise. I don't know why, of whatever reason you would want to try to kill a dragon, but..." He trails of, shaking his head in an indication of hopelessness.
I clench my fists. Why am I doing this? I wonder. Katya is dead, RP hates me... Wold and the others are all right... but do we really have any hope of success? I can feel particles of sweat seeping out of my porous skin where I've clenched my fist. I slowly open it and look up from the muddy ground.
"I don't know. I guess I wasn't really thinking about it much. And the others seemed pretty confident. Still though, the very least we can to is avenge Katya's death. The raiders I want to attack are the same ones that killed Katya."
"I won't argue with you on that point. But still, why to we need the help of these troops? You saw how useless they are! Do you really think they can fight a band of raiders, much less a dragon?"
I shrug. I don't really know how well either of them fight, but it seems like defeating the raiders is as easy to RP as fighting a dragon is hard, if not impossible. I leave things like this up to RP.
"Well, I guess you don't. You will though, sooner or later." I sigh. Right now I just want to collapse onto the ground and cry. I'm nearly crying because of all the stressors in my life. A flood of grief, and tears, soon envelops me.
I am glad to notice that RP doesn't say anything offensive to me. I think he understands about Katya. For that I am grateful. Finally Wet breaks the silence by announcing that he is going back to his dugout. RP says he is likewise going to leave. Soon I hear their footsteps padding of in different directions. I don't look up. Everything is going against me. I feel a soft rustle of wind penetrate my neck. It feels warm, but that's no surprise seeing it is summer now. I ignore it. Suddenly I am startled by a voice behind me.
"Are you okay, Racen?" it asks. I jump up and drop into a crouch, only to find Wold facing me. I sigh in relief.
Now that I think about it I have hardly seen Wold in the past three days we have been here. The first day she was out somewhere and didn't come back till late. The second day we were touring the little farm that our host's own and then RP and I were bathing in their pond. Wold slipped off again saying she didn't need to wash.
"Wold! I haven't seen you all day!" I say, flashing a quick smile before returning to my somber disposition.
"I have been away. When I came back for lunch, though, they said you were gone."
"Yes. I was gone talking with some... newfound acquaintances. They are Typos too. It's hard to explain. I will fill you in sometime later. But not now. Everything is too painful for me to think about anything other than Katya." And RP, too. And the task the Author wants us to accomplish. Maybe I should let Wold know all about my troubles.
"I know. It is hard, isn't it? I'm sure you already figured out why I was gone for so long. I couldn't bear being near those hobbits. They are kind, but I wasn't in the mood for being around people. They don't understand animals. Most of them anyways. You are my friend, of course!"
"You mean you don't hate me for what I did, or didn't do?" Wold's expression softens.
"No! Why should I? I am not like RP I don't think now would be an appropriate time to talk about that. I am not going to degrade you for forgetting something. The grief is too fresh. On the positive side of things, I did recover your bow. You won't have to get another one."
"Thanks." I try not to sound forlorn, but to be honest, right now I don't really care about my bow. If anything it will serve as a reminder to me of my failure. Everything is hitting me now like a brick wall, or like a wave that pushes you down under the water, never to see the light again.
"Are you okay Racen?" Wold asks, nuzzling up against me. "Things will be alright in the end."
In the end.
Such a small, simple phrase. Yet it seems so hard to comprehend anything beyond my grief.
"Not really..." I say, my throat choking up and barely allowing me to speak. "It is just so hard. I can't help but think that it is all my fault for not doing what I could to save Katya."
"I know what you mean. But things will be all right!" I try nodding slightly in affirmation, but right now anything is hard to do because I am so tense. My body is as taut as a rope during tug of war.
"I think now it would be best to walk back to the house. We can't stay out here too long. It will be dark soon, and with darkness brings cold!"
Does cold really bother me? Do I care? Does anything in this world aside from all of the things that are weighing me down?
Such confusion and uncertainty. This world is a messy place. Suddenly I find myself asking, "Does the Author really care about us or not? Why must he make us suffer as we are. Why can't this world make sense. Why is it so painful." I don't know how I got that burst of my thoughts out, but some how I did. Now I almost regret saying anything. It only brings with it another flood of tears.
"I think he cares about us... but we can't really understand his plans in their full extent."
"If he does care about us then... why... why did he let Katya die? If he is in control, why didn't he keep Katya alive?" I try to say more, but again my mouth rises up into my throat, choking me.
"I... I can't exactly explain everything to you. I don't have all of the answers. But the author, does care! But, I will admit something to you... "I'm not exactly sure how to say this but... well... I really shouldn't even be telling this to you."
What is she talking about? What does all of this mean? "Yes..." I prompt.
"Katya... was just an illusion."
"What?" I say jumping up in fury. Katya was definitely real. How could she be an illusion.
"It's true. RP is a skilled illusionist, though he doesn't let on to it. He merely created Katya to toy with you and then plunge you into grief. He is trying to manipulate you. And Katya wasn't the Instruction Typo. I am!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hello r4p17!
First off, I think the word would be bear, but I may be incorrect. Secondly, I think it would be better if you said 'too' or 'as well' instead of 'again'.Oh wow, plot twist! But why would RP do that? He seems stubborn and a bit overbearing, but why would he create a character just to plunge another character into grief? Ah well, guess I'll find out later. Anyway, just a few nitpicks;
Before you begin this part there should be quotation marks.
On to the next chapter! See you then!
~Kelpies.
Heya r4, Pretzelsing here for a review of this next chapter of your novel. Believe it or not, I actually reviewed the last one some last review day ago, and so here I am, ready to review this now.
Wowie! A plot twist that I didn't even think about being possible. But then again, I actually like plot twists since they spice up the writing in a certain chapter.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
These three sentences are practically conveying the same things(about RP charging into battle). I think that you should choose one of them and stick with it.
There are 2 "too" and I think that I would cut the second one out so that it's not so repetitive.
This sentence seems kind of unrealistic, r4. What kind of options does Racen have anyways? It's not like she can do something about it, someone else has to help her, you know?
You don't need that second "of" in that sentence.
The problem is, that noone asked Racen
Almost every setnence here ends with an exclamation point and to simply put it, this is unacceptable in my eyes. I think that you need to substitute some of these with periods and so one.
Again, these three sentences practically say/mean the same thing, so I suggest that you just choose one of them that you like the most.
OK, so I think that you had enough people comment their opinions of Katya being an illusion so I won't say anything on that further, but focus more on other things. I still don't really see Racen's grief before the ending. I mean, it's not that apparent here, and I honestly am not sensitive to her now. In this whole chapter, although Racen did open up to Wold(which is a good emotional moment)all she did was cry about Katya. That is wahat everyone does when someone dies, and it's so ordinary that readers usually skip over it. I want to know how specifically she deals with it.
At the beginning when all of the Hobbits were bowing down to them for helping them fight against some raiders, how uncomfterable did Racen feel? Did she feel like she doesn't deserve attention? Now show, not tell me that in the text. I know that there is a lot of dialogue and interactions here, but I still think that you could implement that.
So know I will try to dissect the conversation between Wold and Racen. This is a very stupid and formal question to ask at this moment of grief and tears. Of course Wold sees that she's not OK, so why does she even bother to ask?
Wold is a wolf with a thick fur coat, she doesn't need to be saying this. I'm sure that she's not afraid or bothered by the darkness or cold.
I was thinking that Racen wouldn't want this bow, since it's a reminder of her failures. This bow is something that was in her past, and she might want it to remain there.So I honestly don't see how that's on that "positive side of things"
So many ellipsis. I would minimize them to 1 ellipsis just so that it's more visually appealing. Plus I am sure that Wold wasn't talking with that much pauses. If Wold pauses in her sentence then you need to place a comma(,) there.
Anyways, that's it from me. I really liked that last sentence since it was a cliffhanger and I will continue to read on and review. I hope that this review helped you improve your writing.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzelsing/
Hi R4p17!
Well, this chapter had quite the ending! I am not sure if RP is the bad guy or the good guy anymore, and I don't know how I feel about Wold leading Racen on and letting her believe in the illusion! It was quite a lot to jam into the end of the chapter there and I am looking forward to reading the beginning of the next chapter and seeing Racen's reaction to the information. Will she even believe it? I guess I will have to wait and see. As well as that we were able to see Racen using her mind to manipulate the thane into giving her what she wanted, which was more people fighting on their side of the cause. I found that to be something clever of her. I still don't know if I do or don't like RP. I just find him to be so arrogant and full of pride sometimes, but in others you can tell that he still does kind of care for Racen at the same time. He has a very mixed character, and sometimes contradicts himself even. But that's okay because that is simply the kind of person he is!
One thing I have noticed with your writing is that you use a lot of exclamation marks. Remember that people don't exclaim that much, and that they are rarely used in the narrative tone. Just a little something to bear in mind.
What I did find to be fairly strange was that when Racen was sad and crying on the forest floor, RP and the other guy simply leave her! I know they are guys and yes, sometimes guys will be guys. And even though RP can be rough sometimes, he is her best friend, or at least is supposed to be! I found it cruel for them to leave her to cry on her own. At least try and comfort her and possibly have her being pushed away to show that they did try, but were sent away by her. I just found it cruel and unfeeling of them, and couldn't quite believe it. Some friends she has there.
I also wanted to know what Racen thought when RP was talking to the thane after the battle and was saying that his sword did all the work and that she had merely been a distraction. She doesn't say anything at that moment but I wanted to know how she felt. She was being put down and disregarded as anything important even though she had plunged into the battle for him and hazarded everything to help him out if he needed it. Again, I found it surprisingly cruel of him, even though it was the truth as well. But you know, he couldn't phrase it in a nicer way for her?
Another thing I couldn't quite understand was why she threw herself into the battle when he seemed to be doing well of taking care of himself and she couldn't fight. Couldn't she realize that she would only make him more in danger because she would be vulnerable and he would have to look after her as well? On top of that, she didn't even agree with the idea he was fighting for, so I don't see why she feels the need to protect him. Yes, she didn't want to lose him and that was a good reason in itself, but the best way to help him would've been standing to the side. But then again, if you show how her thinking is illogical and she is choosing her heart over her mind more, then I am sure it would be okay
Nitpicking time!
These two sentences are repetitive and could easily be melded into one. Such as 'RP is not dissuadd from hotheadedly joining them in battle.'
Wait, has she lost RP before? Or instead of him should you be saying someone instead?
Typo! you have 'way of' repeated twice here where it isn't necessary.
I have noticed this quite a bit in the chapter. You have a lot of questions that need question marks. So keep in mind that all things asked need the correct mark with them! Another thing to think about is when it si both an exclamation and a question, you should always go for the question mark. That's typically the symbol that is needed and should always win out. So, this is one of those cases!
You don't have the opening speech marks here. Also, I didn't know if there was supposed to be that first question there because it didn't make too much sense in context.
There should be a comma here after the first word, and Racen is asking a rhetorical question where she doesn't expect an answer. But it still needs that question mark!
Typo! *off
Comma needed after the word 'that'. When it comes to commas sometimes it can be hard to place them. Not sure if I have said this to you yet or not, but reading aloud and seeing where you naturally come to a pause can help a lot.
This was a long list of questions, so they all needed question marks!
I am looking forward to reading the next chapter! Sorry for being so behind >.>
Deanie x
Thanks so much for the review!
Hi there! Noelle back again.
I'm almost to the last part you've posted! Uh oh, what am I going to do when I'm all finished?? Then I'll have to actually wait for a new chapter! D: hehe. I'm looking forward to it ^_^
I just love the way Racen responds to RP charging into battle. She's just standing there watching him, wondering if she should help. It's totally in her character and I expected something like this from her. It's so funny though because she cares about him, but she's not sure if she should actually do something. She's torn. Especially because she doesn't really agree with what RP usually does and says and is usually quite annoyed by him.
Oh dear, there goes Racen o.o I hope she doesn't get hurt.
There have been a lot of missing commas and out of place commas. Here's an example here:
There should be a comma after 'look' and 'shrugs'. There's always a comma before the word 'then' or 'and then'.
One quick thing. After the sentence I just quoted, Racen launches into an explanation of what she had been doing that day. However, you say that RP walks away. So Racen would have to call him back or he would have to stop and come back. Right now, it seems like his back is to her, not really paying attention.
*sings* The cold never bothered me anyway! Sorry, had to do that xD
There are a lot of ellipses in the last seven paragraphs. Five of those paragraphs se ellipses. Ellipses are fine to control the tempo of the dialogue, but when used too much, they get repetitive. And there are always ways to get around using ellipses. You can use words to explain how someone hesitated or trailed off. Just different ways to not use the ellipsis in every situation.
Whoa, biiiig plot twist there! I totally didn't see that coming! Like, at all! And I usually see these things coming! Ahhhhh! So, Katya wasn't really real and Wold is the real Instruction Typo. It really does make sense. Looking back, it explains how she got up on the mountain and how her food just appeared. The one thing that I want to know though, is how she knew about the instructions and everything. Was Wold in on this illusion? She'd be able to tell RP about the instructions and how the author told her things. Should I hate Wold too for keeping this a secret?
Okay, now I hate RP. That's it. How could he be so manipulative? He cares about Racen, somewhat, and doesn't want her to suffer. Yet he made her suffer by thinking that Katya was real and that she really died. How dare he? I don't think Racen will ever trust him again.
Now I'm really looking forward to reading on. I can only imagine what will happen next!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Don't hate me D:
Hey R4!
The other part about it I don't really like is how Racen is acting. This doesn't seem like her. It's more like what some kind of stereotypical 'priss' girl would do, swooning over the drama and being all, "I don't know which boy to pick, Edward or Jacob, oooooh." Okay maybe not that bad, but you get the point. You make her sound so much weaker than her previous actions suggest. Maybe show how she hesitates because RP deserves to get whacked but she doesn't want to lose him too. Just a suggestion.
THANK YOU. OH GOODNESS. THE DIALOGUE BEAST HAS RECEEDES. *cough* I read the first line and it makes sense with what was just finished off in the last chapter. And the hook isn't dialogue either! This is a great step forward! Now let's see how the rest of the chapter fairs.
Okay, I just finished the first chapter and I'm really iffy about it. It seems a little repetitive at one point, mentioning how RP charges at the thane and the next how he charged into battle. Pick one a stick with it
Alright, so I've just finished the fight scene, which is a nice break from all that dialogue, but then we're sucked right back into it, and the telling that comes with it. When RP starts talking about his strategy of Racen distracting and all that, it just seems kind of pointless. Why would the thane care? He wouldn't. And that dialogue isn't needed. Try to cut out whatever is excess, because you're trying to pull away from that monster trap.
Another sudden pause, WET WAS THERE THE ENTIRE TIME? Why in the world didn't he say anything? That doesn't make much sense. Why wouldn't Wet try to be some kind of leave keeper at all? He surely would've tried to make RP see reason, wouldn't he? And this time, I think the dialogue is better. Less than before, but there's still quite a bit of unneeded details. I suggest that you summarize more often. While details are important every once and a while, when there are issues with excessive dialogue, summarizing will be your best friend.
This makes absolutely no sense. How can everything except Katya be painful to think about. Katya is what's causing the grief... So how is it conciling in anyway to think about her more and just make Racen's heart ache more...? I would definitely reword that if I were you.
IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. OH GOD. I'm actually crying right now when I finished. I really want to hate RP so badly. Why would he do such a thing? It makes me wonder what's going through his head to want to do something so horrible to Racen. But then, if Katya was just an illusion, how did the Author talk with her? How did the Author take her away in the beginning and send the rest on their adventure?? That doesn't make much sense to me, but wow. Plot twist.
And I'm silently celebrating that I am useful xD
Well. Overall, your writing is starting to pick back up again. The ending didnt feel as unnecessary or forced and it felt right to have it. You really show Racen's character, on how she's grieving. Now. I am very eager to see Racen's reaction in the next part! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
I still think that you are have too much fun. Hobbits? XD Love it! Anyways, let's see what I can find.
I think you meant in too short A time.
Shouldn't there be a comma between down and roughly?
Same as the one above. I think you need a comma between me and I.
You end a lot of the sentences when they're talking with exclamation marks. You need to break that up a bit. People just don't shout all the time, except if their like Therese.
Don't tell her I said that!I think that's supposed to be a period, not a question mark.
Period between RP and I think. Also, I think you should merge the second and third sentence. Like this...
I think it will make it flow better, but that's just my personal option.
Love the image! Awesome picture in my head.
With the darkness COMES cold. It makes more sense, because you're talking about it being brought with the darkness, so brings is out of place.
These all need to end with question marks.
Well, that's it, except I was thinking maybe you should describe how Wold looks when he's talking. I never get a very clear image when it's him. The same goes for RP. Racen's fine, though. I can see her.
Keep writing. I'll do my best to review the next ones.
Thanks for picking up all of those grammar errors! (And Wold is female).
I KNEW IT. But Therese said she wasn't. Last time I listen to her.
BLAH BLAH, meeere technicalities.
I'm gonna hear about this... I just know it*sniffs* Is it so hard to tell me female?
I'll catch up eventually...*coughcough* This is sooo awkward.
No, it's just Therese's lack of intelligence.
quit kicking me, sis.Pleeeaaaase, at least I was attempting to be intelligent.
Hey fallen here to review your work. Now before we begin I must apologize for any mispellings I'm on a ipad that truly depises me.
Now I'm sorry but I'm going to start with cons just becaused I am confused, these cons are more questions for you.
1. RP do you mean role play as in this is RP as a person or am I wrong?
2. What actually is happening? I know its dwarves but what's your ideas
Now this is a con. If your going to do fight scenes then I suggest doing research, the reason is then this can be more realistic and more fun for the reader versus if you make a marie sue character that can take everyone out. Now I may be ranting about this one but that's it.
Now on to pros!!!!
1. I liked how you had fun with it your details and imagery helped paint a picture in the reader mind, I found myself laughing at the end when you wrote
"And Katya wasn't the instruction typo. IAm!" *insert evil laugh*
Next, I really liked how you displayed this wjile confusing was an enjoyable read.
Sincerly,
Fallen
RP is a character. It is short for RP417, the Typo named in my honor.
My intent of the action scene wasn't supposed to build tension necessarily. It was almost a joke to RP. Don't worry, it is anythign but my intent to make this easy. After all, killing a dragon is pretty hard.