Heya R4P17, pretzelsing here for a review of your next chapter.Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
We are less than a hundred feet from the top of the highest mountain around us; but the ground slopes nearly ninety degrees parallel to the ground miles below us.
We might just want to go down a hundred feet or so to where those boulders are.
To the north and south a ridge extends several hundred feet above the other mountains.
Do you notice what all of these have in common?
I tell this to all writers that write in measurements in their works, I don't get any picture of the length/distance here. I can't imagine what a hundred feet is or ninety degrees parallel. Those measurements ^^ mean nothing to me because they don't really add to the story.>.< I like to call those technical stuff.Because that's what they really are for me anyway.
"As I grabbed hold of that seedling treetheremy hands slid because of the new leaves and I began to fall.
You don't really need the word "there" because it kind of disrupts the flow in this sentence.I would strike that out.
"Hold on a second will you!" Wold exclaims
I think think that here at the end of the sentence you could punctuate it like this: "Hold on a second,will you!?" Put a comma after second and before
I cannot believe my eyes.
That is veeeery cliche, and I think that you could change it or completely omit it. If you go back to that paragraph, you will see that you already clearly emphasized how awed Racen was that Katya just appeared.
[/quote]I will tell it to you later; but for now let this suffice: I have been with the author and he gave me a few gifts. [/quote]
So here you have a semicolon and a colon in one sentence. I would avoid those two being together.What if you wrote something like:
"I will tell it to you later. For now let this suffice:I have been..."
Do you see what I mean, rp?
My guess is that this is the island with the dwarves and halflings on it. I don't know for sure though.
Do you know what could be rrrrrrreally cool? If you implemented this awesome plot twist and you actually made them be on the wrong island so that they have to travel all the way to the other one. Poor creatures
It seems like something the author would do.
Until this point you have been capitalizing the A in Author, since that is his name(for us anyways). I think that you should be consistent and capitalize this one too <,<
The only thing is I am quite a bit...bigger than all of you...and I don't feel very stable. The thin air is also making me dizzy. We might just want to go down a hundred feet or so to where those boulders are. They are a little bit more...stable than all this shale, if you know what I mean."
What is going on with all of these ellipsis? I think that you used most of them grammatically incorrect.
Here is a helpful link that I will refer you to:
The Ellipsis
So anyways to sum that up in a couple of easy words for you here we go:
1.You want to do this to either omit words in dialogue or when you pause in the sentence.
2.A thing that most writers get wrong. Ellipsis need to be evenly spaced meaning: (. . .) or
. space . space . space <,< That is how is should be written.
3.If this is in the middle of a sentence you should use a space between the first dot and the word that is before it and after it.
So generally most of those ellipsis that you used weren't needed(I don't think that Katya paused that many time in one breath )
When we reach the boulders each of us (except of course for Katya) take a seat, or sprawl ourselves out, on one of the more or less flat[boulders]ones.
Okay so I personally don't like the phrase more or less flat ones because it's kind of self-contradictory, if you see what I mean. You could just writer: "on fairly flat boulders." I also think that you should insert something instead of the last word: "ones" just because I almost lost track of what you were talking about.
"Of course!" Katya practically shouts. How could I be so foolish.
You forgot your first pair of quotation marks, before "How could I be . . ." If you go and look back to the place that I am talking about then you will see what I mean by this(the quotation ends on the other side)
It is Katya who steps out in front[,] with RP right behind her.
I think that you essentially need a comma here,just because without it the whole sentence can be read wrong.
That's it from the nitpicks(and good because my mouse isn't working-my battery died so it is extremely difficult to copy and paste xD) Woaaah! What a surprise that Katya just appears here on the mountain randomly. My question is: How did she get up here? She couldn't have just appeared did she? Or maybe she did just appear but that doesn't seem very realistic at all.Maybe make that more like something that would happen(even in the fantasy world )
Yesssh! RP is finally humbled because Katya is the leader, I was just looking something like this. I would like though a reaction from RP, about how he feels about this sudden shift in powers or leadership. Maybe this doesn't last for long? Or does it, since Katya has all of the directions right in her head.
I actually really liked this chapter, but I think that you could work on showing us just how difficult and treacherous mountain climbing really is. I mean, you told us this many times, but you never really showed us. Like that first scene where Racen almost came tumbling down,wasn't epic. Work on impleting fast-paced and captivating action so that the readers are kept on their seats. We need some adrenaline to help us keep reading . Maybe make Racen shake, instead of apologizing, or maybe describe how she held onto the rock for her life. Do you see what I mean?Show us the fear in her, maybe her breath was ragged,or her mind was racing,whatever creative thing that you can SHOW me!
Anyways,that's it from me.I hope that this review helps you improve your writing!
KEEP ON WRITING!
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
Donate