"Racen!" RP says popping up out of nowhere. "Come, hide here quickly!"
"Who's that?" Aiey asks before I can get a word out of my mouth.
"It's one of my friends, RP." I reply. Then turning to RP I say, "Why do you want me to hide?" I hope it's not more soldiers chasing after us. Perhaps some raiders? Who is it?"
"It's none of those. I don't even know about any raiders. It's those darn, pesky hobbits!"
"What do you mean? What have they done? They can't be that bad. Just a little annoying..."
"No," he says, cutting me off. "They are storming the house we were staying in. I went out to gather some wood and when I came back I saw it surrounded. I'm not sure what they're saying. You can hear them 'cause the house is just over that ridge. They seem to be pretty angry."
"Hold on," Aiey says. "You wait here. I am going to go back to my house and get Wet."
"Who are you?" RP asks, as if noticing her for the first time.
"I am Aiey. I am a fellow Typo. We were just discussing plans together."
"I would have brought you along, RP, but Aiey just found me in the woods and insisted that I come with her. I only just met her today myself."
"Hmm." RP coughs, then nods a greeting to Aiey. "A very strange name for a dwarf, but a fitting name for a typo I suppose. Don't you think it has one too many vowels?"
"I wasn't given it so I can't change it. All I can change is the future of myself and possible the world."
"Well, don't be too drastic about it. Why don't you get that hobbit though. Hopefully he will be able to talk some sense into them!"
"I will." Aiey says. If you need anything just holler. I will be within hearing distance most of the time, but only call if you are spotted."
"Wait!" I exclaim. "Where is Wold? Is she in the house?" I hope she's safe!
"I don't know. I'd assume so, but I was out hunting so I couldn't give you a definitive answer."
"Goodness! I hope we don't lose her as well! Losing two of our party would be devastating." I can hardly keep from crying at the thought of losing Wold."
"She'll be fine," Aiey says, putting her hand up to grasp my arm. "I don't think those Hobbits will do anything to her. Not yet anyways. Just hang tight here. I will be back with help soon!"
I anxiously stand there on the side of the road watching her go. Thoughts of what might happen or be happening to Wold flood my mind and my vision is blurred. Katya too is at the forefront of my mind. Losing her is still a very fresh pain.
"Don't be a fool," RP shouts. Hide here! If anyone passes by they will know that we are foreigners by our dress and obviously how differently we look we will be caught and turned in! You need to get under cover!"
"Oh... I was just thinking. There is no harm done. I wish we didn't have to run into so much trouble. It appears that we were sent her to have an adventure of some sort. I wish I hadn't been sent here."
"Stop complaining! No one likes to be around a whiner. Just stick your head down and wait patiently. We have actually done pretty well. If it weren't for your stupidity all four of us would be alive. After all..."
"Be quiet, RP don't make things worse that they already are!"
"Listen, I am sad about Katya too! I wish that we could have fought hard enough and chased those soldiers away! But there is nothing I could have done. It was your fault. If you would have had your bow we could have dealt with that archer and Katya would be alive today. You should be glad I am letting you off as easily as I am."
"Isn't it enough that Katya died and that we are all grieving. No! You have to ruin what little moral we have by fixing blame. With my ankle the way it is and having to be hoisted onto Katya it's no surprise I forgot my bow!"
"You are just rude. Are you trying to blame me for your mistakes?" RP's cheeks swell red in anger.
"What? I am doing nothing of the kind! I don't know what you are talking about. I am attaching blame to no one, I just want to stop arguing." I can hardly keep myself from crying. Why did this have to happen? Why did the Author send me here? Why did I have to forget my bow? Why am I here right now with RP yelling at me!
"Well, you need to admit that you are at fault here. You shouldn't be trying to defend yourself. I am only angry because you are the cause of this situation and you won't even admit it! You you would have been careful dismounting and then had the presence of mind to help me the none of this would have happened! So don't complain about anything anymore!"
I lie there prostrate with my nose pushing into the leaves veiling the dirt covered ground. The forest around me is totally quiet except for a few distant birds chirping and the noise of RP's heavy breathing. Nothing in the world matters any more though. I'm just a simple, poor elf lying in the forest with too much to care about. I can't help but think that I will just give up somehow and let the world go on without me. But I can't.
"Well, do you have anything that you want to say to me? An apology perhaps?" I can sense RP's eyes boring into my back and then my head searching to see what I'm thinking.
"No. I'm too hopeless to do anything. All I can do is try to carry on and survive if I can. I don't think or hope to do a very good job, but I will do whatever it takes. Just stay alive one step at a time!"
RP just stands up. I look to see what he is doing. Why is he standing up if he just told me not to be a fool a few minutes earlier for doing the same thing?
"Why are you standing up? I thought you didn't want to be discovered."
"I don't, but Aiey is back already. She has her friend, too, by the looks of it."
"Oh, I better get up too." I say. He waves me off.
"No, there isn't any reason for that. You just need to lay low for now. I just want to make sure that those two don't do anything stupid."
I shrug and watch RP head out into the road. It is only now that I notice how raged his appearance seems. He is dressed in old sweaty clothes that are covered with dirt and soot, among other things. Aiey and Wet seem to be dressed like minor nobles, especially wet. He has a tan shirt, a red cloak and brown leggings. To top it off, literally, he has a black rounded hat.
"I'm Wet, the ancientest Hobbits he says right away before the unusually snarky RP can gets word out.
"Wet, eh? What kind of a name is that? It seems un befitting you. From your appearance I thought you are a businessman or something. Then again, you are a Hobbit. A lawyer is my guess."
"No, actually I am more of a spy. Hay would a be a lawyer? My voice isn't that eloquent is it?"
"Oh no! It's just that you're garb looks like that of a princeling. That had is most unfashionable though... anyways, how did you get the title of the anciente... er, most ancient Hobbit?"
"Oh. Hah! That actually is more of an inside joke. One time I put on a mask and a lot of makeup and it made me look like an old man. It was my first successful attempt at making a disguise so I was dubbed the ancientest of Hobbits. I think it might be a reference to something in our folklore too, but I can't remember the source!"
"Well, you better have a good plan for dealing with this mob of hobbits. I am not particularly in the mood for getting trampled!"
"Most of them are my friends or relatives. They should listen to me as long as I can think of a sensible argument to sway them. I think I might have a trick or two up my sleeve to disperse them as it is."
"I hope you do. If you don't we all might end up dead." Hardly managing to hold my tongue I cough loudly and stand up.
"Could you please hurry," I ask, suddenly filled with a new purpose. "My other friend, Wold is most likely in that house! I don't want anything bad to happen to her, especially after I just lost Katya." I turn to RP and stare at him as if to say, Not now! We don't need any more trouble.
"Certainly!" Wet agrees. "I will be on my way at once!" He immediately he scurries off.
"Are you going with your friend, or what?" RP asks, almost glaring at Aiey.
"I am going to stay here, with you. Wet can take care of himself. He is responsible enough. He is nearly as good of a diplomat, when he needs to be, as he is a spy.
"I hope so," I reply. I can hardly help but let a hint of worry slip into me tone.
"Why don't you hide on the other side of the road," RP suggests. "It is easier to see people clustered together than separately. Make sure you don't move around too! Any sort of movement can catch someone's eye. Hopefully we can count on them not being so careful to look around because we are so close to the house."
"Alright. I'll do that. I think I will hide about twenty feet into the woods. If they decide to turn nasty, which I don't expect they will, I will go for help and get Cros and Borin."
"Who are they? Not more of your friends, I hope." RP is really irritable today.
"Naturally. They are Typos as well! Cros is a mage and Borin is a middle aged human. He is a soldier like you appear to be."
"A mage, eh? I don't like mages! They don't do any of the hard work, they just use their magic. This Borin fellow though... the name has a nice ring to it. I am sure he's a good man!"
Ending on that note the conversation comes to a lull as RP heads back to me and lies down. Aiey heads off into the bushes and after a minute she is invisible.
"I hope that your friend didn't just decide to run off and leave us alone." RP says, turning to look at me.
"I don't know why she would do that. She seemed nice enough. I don't think that she would leave us at the first sign of danger, especially when Wet is endangering himself. It wouldn't make sense."
"I suppose..." RP grumbled. I wouldn't be surprised if she is just making up that part about going to get help. I don't think someone you just met a day ago is to be trusted."
I shrug nonchalantly, not wanting to start an argument, but inwardly I hope that Aiey will prove her loyalty, if only to prove RP wrong, for once! It seems he is always right. He always knows what to do next, even if I don't like it. I don't like a lot of things he asks of me.
As we lie there on the ground without making a sound the birds come back and begin chirping. The sheer volume of their chirping is amazing. I can't help but wonder if they were scared away by the mob of hobbits and now they have settled down here where it is quieter.
"Look at those clouds," RP says in a soft voice, simultaneously nudging me. "It appears that they are heading our way. Might have a storm in an hour or so. I noticed them earlier. Now they are picking up in intensity. I hope that they come quickly. From what I can guess, these hobbits probably don't enjoy being out in the rain all that much. I hope the rain will disperse a number of them to their homes. That might thin their numbers enough for us to get rid of the rest."
"You mean you intend to fight them?" I ask. I have trouble suppressing a spike of worry that jolts up my spine. "I don't know if we should fight them. Most of them are probably just there for the excitement of it all. I don't think they are too dangerous. They are just mislead by a few of the angry hobbits."
"You don't understand anything, do you? They aren't just there to watch what we are doing. They want to take us and put us in prison. They are angry at us because we are foreigners. They probably think that we have, or plan to, stir up trouble! Those that remain after the rain comes through won't just be curiosity seekers. That is why I want to go after them once the rain has passed. I don't intend on hurting innocents if I can help it, but Báuräc will not stand idle when Wold is in danger."
"RP you don't understand the situation fully either! Those people think that we are the cause behind the raids that Chicory spoke of! They think that we are enemies of their people they don't know any better. If you attack them then they will just have more reason to think that we are trying to hurt them in some way!"
RP pauses for a second considering what I just told him. I can tell that he is weighing things in the balance to see which is right. I'm afraid he won't look on my report too favorably. All I can do is try though. I just don't want people to have to die over a misunderstanding.
"Where did you hear all of this?" He asks suspiciously.
"I found out by talking with Aiey and her other friends. Why does it matter?"
RP rolls his eyes. "I knew it! I thought that you might have found out from her. We will see about her later. For now I am going to be safe. Don't think I am going to die over pure stupidity!"
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello r4p17! Here to review!
Just a minor issue with quotation marks. I think that you meant for the last sentence to be without quotation marks, or for the middle set to not be there.First off, I thought that this was a pretty good chapter. I think that the argument between RP and Racen is quite realistic, both are being stubborn, although it seems that RP is better at formulating conspiracy theories. Right then, on to the typos that I've noticed.
Just another quotations error.
Several things here, I think you meant "How would I be a lawyer?"
I think you meant hat.
I didn't find anything else to mention, it's a great story so far. Can't wait to read the next chapters.
~Kelpies.
Heya r4, pretzelsing here for a review of this next chapter of your novel. I will try to comment on things that other below haven't said. This is my 200th review so happy review number for me!
you should feel honored that I am writing this for youAnyways,let's begin,shall we?
I always try to point out the person that I am introducing so that the other people get a sense of who this is.Here it could even seem like you were talking to RP, when in reality your were talking to Aiey. Do you see what I mean? We need a physical pointer-finger indicator of this.
I think that these thoughts are too many questions. Usually,when people think they have a question in their mind,and then they try to ponder/find the answer to it. I,as the reader would like to know all of the answers to these questions but I think that Racen needs to take it slowly and try to actually think logically about these answers.I have to say that I sometimes ponder things for hours, and I still don't find the answer. I have been asking this one question about myself,and really digging deep, and after hours or thoughts, I still haven't figured it out.
This is so obvious. I know that Katya's death is still being grieved,because people like Racen and RP need some time to process all of their emotions. Show,not tell me what type of pain she feels.Because right now, all I am riding on ,is the typical after-death pain and feelings. I think all of us can imagine this. But I think that you could make this a bit different since she lost an elephant friend with the directions from the authore. Maybe Racen is thinking about the good times when Katya was alive,or she is replaying her death scene in her mind,or she is kicking herself inwardly for all of the regrets that she holds. Whatever it is, show me how sad she is, don't just tell me,and do it all in the text so that everyone else can she it.
I think that you should choose if you want to keep the word anything or anymore in here. Because both next to each other seems kind of too similar and repetitive. I would suggest cutting out the anymore and keeping the anything. But,that's just my personal opinion so you can give or take.
The first and second sentence contradict each other. She is hopeless to do anything, and then she has the strong will to survive step by step.So she isn't hopeless because she decides not to give up and take the easy way out and die.She knows that she has a purpose from the Author and she is determined on fullfilling it. That doesn't sound like hopeless to me ^_^
It's obvious that it's literally and so you really don't need that extra added word in here.
RP is really commenting on names throughout this whole entire chapter. Why does he even care? Names don't really mean much about people that much. First he commented on Aiey having too many vowels, and that Wet is unsuitable for the Hobbit. I feel like RP should be worrying about Wold and the Hobbits surrounding the house where they reside. Or maybe actually trying to stay hidden and quiet? Do you see what I mean, r4?
These two phrase/clauses essentially say and mean the same thing,so I would suggest that you cut out one or the other.
I love the last line,because it really shows Racen's naive and what RP calls stupidity. I tend to agree with RP, and I do here to. There are many dangers everywhere,and Racen can't be so quick to trust a perfect stranger,even if they are Typos. I guess Racen has a lot to learn about how to be cautious ^_^
Hmm, RP at the beginning appears out of nowhere, and I am sure that others have mentioned this (like [user]Noelle[/user]) but I would just like to add my two cents here. I don't like that idea, because in real life,people come from somewhere. Where was RP before this?? And also I think that you should put an indicator that Racen hears/smells/sees/senses RP approaching. There are always indicators of this,no matter what situation this is in.
Wet is going without Aiey? Hmm, since kind of strange treating this as a one-man job. I would think that he take someone with him, a partner. Two is always better than one alone,as the saying goes
Oh yeah,this is kind of minor,but where were they hiding? In a hole in the middle of nowhere? In a ditch underground?And why do I have a feeling like they keep on popping their head out? What's with that, because if they're supposed to be well-hidden then they aren't doing a very good job with it.
Anyways,that's it from me. I hope that this helps you improve your writing. If you have any questions/comments than please reply below.
/pretzelsing/
Hi there! Noelle back again to do some reviewing!
Where exactly did he pop into? The room? Did he just stick his head into the room? I can understand you wanting him to just appear, but you have to tell us where he ends up when he appears. Otherwise it's like he's not even there.
Something I really like about your novel is how involved it is. Once you think that everything has calmed down and they're going to find a way to get rid of the problems they were facing earlier, something else happens. Now there are these hobbits that seem less than happy to have the typos here. So not only do they have to deal with the soldiers that attacked them and the raiders and the prophecy on the sword, but they also have to deal with the hobbits. There's always something going on here, which I love. I feel like there'll never be too much down time in this novel.
RP! Why'd you tell Racen that Katya's death is her fault??!! Ruuuuude.
Here we see more of the stubborn side of RP. He came to find her and convince her to hide because he cares about her safety, but now that he's with her all he can do is argue with her. I've noticed though, that his bad attitude and arguing usually comes out when he's upset or overwhelmed. It makes sense, really. If he's upset about something he's not going to stop and think about how someone is going to feel about his remarks.
Oh no, now I don't know who to believe! Should I listen to RP or trust everything that Racen has just learned? Gah. Congratulations on completely boggling my mind
Overall this is a good chapter. There's a good balance of dialogue and descriptions here. Ever since that one chapter that was less than your best, your writing it setting better. I'm finding less to comment on and not many mistakes. You keep adding more and more to this story and there's always something to look forward to.
Hopefully I can give you a better review in the next part!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, R4! (Totally didn't call you RP on accident last time. Nope.)
After reading your first line, the first thing I think of is the trend that most of your chapter s don't line together. There's always some kind of time skip betwee them, and they usually start out with dialogue. Now, the two parts do fine, but those are parts of the same chapter. I'm talking about how the actually chapters don't appear to line up. Find other hooks. Transition between them so I'm not instantly wondering if there was something I missed.
*continues reading*
I see there is still dialogue galore. I'm sure you've heard this enough time out of me and other reviewers, but it's getting stale fast. Flite has already given you enough advice on dialogue that you need, so I won't go that deep into it, but I will point out a couple things, maybe rather small.
You're starting to fall back into that habit of showing rather than telling. This being a huge example. In this case, Racen is telling us what she's going to do. A lot of the dialogue does that actually. There are unnecessary spots that could easily be cut out and keep the story the way it is. This in particular is like that. Would you ever randomly say, "I should stand" as you are standing? It feel out of place an unnecessary. Some showing in the narration would cover that perfectly.
Another thing, aren't RP and Racen are supposed to be hiding, aren't they? That's why they went into the shrubbery. Well, RP literally starts yelling at Racen... That's not really hiding. So it doesn't make that much sense to me as to why it would happen. Why would RP deliverately start yelling at Racen when they could easily be discovered. Just some logic not being thought through in that aspect.
Then, when Wet gets there, RP proceedes to start a conversation with him and they start talking about how Wet got his title. Why? It doesn't seem the slightest bit important at this particular moment. There house is getting mobbed and they seem to be having a tea party, discussing who knows what. Alright, then it goes to RP being all worried and like, "QUICK. GO SAVE WOLD." (I agree, go save Wold...) ... but it seems out of place. There is Definitely a better time as place for that conversation.
So yeah. Main advice, cut out much of the dialogue and make sure there's more narration in there. Showing will be your absolute best friend. Maybe int eh arguement point out things like RP has a hushed tone but show how maybe he squirms around uncomfortably. How he struggles to keep himself under control. Things like that. On to the next part! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi r4p17!
I feel like he is unfeeling but not because he wants to be, but more so because he hasn't learnt anything else yet. I think you did an interesting job of creating the dilemma and the way they went about solving it. It was pretty well written, but I do have a few issues with this chapter which I will discuss now!
Me here again to start on this new part of the novel! I liked this one a bit because we're getting to see more of RP and again his temper. I felt like this wasn't as much focused on the issue with the hobbits and Wold being trapped in there, but more so in showing us what RP's temper is like and bringing up the issue of Katya's death again. Like I thought he would, it seems like RP blames poor Racen and doesn't seem to feel mercy at her sadness or anything. Which is such a shame
The first is that although there is a lot of character personality shown, not much is happening plot wise. Which is usually okay in most chapters, but I felt like that in this one action was going on but we were missing out on it! Why didn't everyone go with Wet when he was going to face the hobbits? That would've made this chapter more interesting, introduce some conflict to the story which we would be able to see instead of constantly being told about, and maybe have been introduced to some small side characters as well. I want to know what the situation over there is like first hand and the only way of that happening is to have the major characters over there and looking into things! This chapter seemed to be filled with them hiding all the time, commanding people around to do the plot interesting things we can't see, and then hiding again. That got a bit tiresome.
Another thing is what has already been focused on a lot by Flite, and that is the dialogue. You've had the same thing happen here as you have had in a few other chapters as well. I felt like we got to see a lot of dialogue, but not enough actions or anything else to make this chapter less samey and more interesting. Having so much dialogue makes this seem like a radio show almost or an audiobook where we just have to listen - we have nothing to visualize. And we need that visual as well! How to get that would be to have some more emotional descriptions, setting descriptions and also character actions/movement in there as well. I do believe I have mentioned it before, but this chapter seems to call for it being repeated a bit and to remind you of it
At the beginning we have Racen talking to Aiey and then RP pops in and says how annoying the hobbits are. Sure, he does have the right to think what he wants to think, but I felt like that was a bit blunt. Especially as they are at a bar surrounded by other hobbits who might overhear and take offense. Either RP doesn't care about this at all and will keep on talking loudly, or he might blush furiously and yet not let his guard down. We could also see Racen's reactions to what he is saying. Is she embarrassed for Aiey who has lived her life amongst the hobbits for a while now, and ashamed that RP is her friend?
Another thing that I want to see some more of are RP's emotions. I feel like we get told them. He is angry through the exclamation marks he uses and the tags saying so, but I want to see it ourselves as well. I want to see his face turn red, the spittle flying from his lips, him stamping around and his hands curled into fists. I think the thing I am lacking most in these chapters is description, and right now I want description of his emotions. Even though he is raging angry, can Racen detect the sadness and mourning in his eyes behind the blazing rage when he mentions Katya? I want to see a bit more depth to his character than a constantly angry dwarf who is mean to Racen.
I also can't help but wonder why Racen even bothers to call him a friend. He seems to be so cruel to her all the time, being mean and never respecting her. So why does she stick to him and not move on to more important things like hanging out with the group who want to stop the bandits and use the Author's information to aid them? She could easily make new friends but she still sticks with the cruel RP. I want to know why? If it's based on there still being some friendship there, then I need to have some more hints at the underlying friendship still being there, because right now I can't see it myself.
On to the technical things!
You've got random speech marks in there and it isn't the end of the speech section!
Here's a moment where we could get some more expression! What does his face give away when he sees her there? Shock, startled? Or is he eerily calm, as if he sensed her presence before he saw it, showing how much of a hunter he has become.
This is a question and needs a question mark.
Wow, do you think this is jumping the gun a bit? Yes, you are seeing that there are hobbits who are angry flocking outside the house, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are willing to harm anyone. So I felt like she was jumping to conclusions... but then again she did just lose a friend so maybe that is justified in some way? If you could stress the connection between the two a bit more, then I guess it justifies this somewhat. Also, I feel like the emotion wasn't quite there with her tears welling up and all. I wanted more in the emotion department. What is she thinking about? How does she feel?
At one point you use the word 'anyways' and that is actually slang, which shouldn't be in formal writing. It should really be anyway.
You also seem to have started using 'just' in a lot of sentences. Using that in sentences doesn't really add anything to the story or meaning in most cases, if not all, and is only an exception in very few cases. So if you see it then you should try to replace that word with something else which will be a bit more beneficial to the story.
This is an adverb that could be taken out to make way for description! You don't use too many adverbs, which is good, but try to see opportunities like this and slip in those extra words to add to the magic of your writing ^^ Tell us what she is doing which makes us know she is anxious. Is it in the way her face scrunches up or the way she nibbles at her lip? Is it the way she picks at her nails? Show us!
Should be: we were sent here
Comma needed after the first word and the second one as well!
Not feeling it here. More description time again! If the pain is still so fresh, as it should be, then we need to see some emotions flooding her just as she thinks about it! These details are what us readers crave :3 I know it seems like I am dragging out the whole death theme, but it needs to be brought across in a way that hits home harder for us. And some themes will stretch, and death in a book is usually one of them
You need some speech marks here and I am not seeing them...
This is another question that needs a question mark! Make sure you do that all important proofreading before posting
You have some double wording here.
Ragged is what you were looking for instead of 'raged.'
Comma needed after the word 'leaves'.
Especially at the end of this sentence, make sure you always have Wet's name capitalized. It is hard when it is also a commonly used word, but still
You need an 'of' between ancientest and Hobbits, I think. Also, I wanted a description of his appearance here. Does he look old so he matches what is being said about him, or does he look young (as the prank idea suggests) so that Racen and RP wonder how he has managed to snag this name when he says it? Don't forget that when you introduce a new character we need a visual on them as well, because we have no clue about who they are and what they look like.
'It seems un befitting you' doesn't make sense. First of all, unbefitting can be one word, as it should be. Also I think you are missing an 'of' between the last two words. I also want to know why RP thinks it is unbefitting? What, is it to do with the way he looks? Because it can't be based off of personality seeing as they don't know each other yet.
I think you mean 'hat' instead of had.
Ooh, another opportunity for description! You mention the clouds and what they mean and will probably turn out to do, but you say look at the clouds but never describe them to us. The reader also wants to get that look!
So, that's all I have to say! This wasn't the word chapter of the novel, but it was on a fairly similar level to the other mostly dialogue chapter you had. You need to try and make sure you add more in there as well than simply dialogue. It seems to be tempting for you at this point in the novel, but you have to bear it in mind
Deanie x
.
Thanks for the review! I really do need more description. It is so hard to pull off for me. :/ I will work on it.
Heya, r4! Chrissy here for review.
Just a few nitpicks, that's all.
It's supposed to be a comma, not a period between RP and reply.
Racen's still talking, so you need to remove the quotation mark between hide and I hope.
You are having way too much fun. Hobbits? Love it!
You forgot the quotation mark between says and if.
Okay, I'm not sure if she was talking or not in that last bit, but one of those quotation marks has got to go.
You need a period, or exclamation mark, between RP and don't.
You need to put a comma between bow and we.
Did you get something wrong there?
Well, that's all I could find and it's time for bed. Love it, though! Hobbits, elves, and who knows what else. I'll try my best to review the next one. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review it helped a lot!
Hello, happy review day! Flite here for a review. Erm, I haven't read the other letters yet, but since this is G, part one. I will just go with what I have. This review is going to come across as extremely harsh and mean, but keep it in mind that I only do that so you know what you're doing wrong. And then make improvements on it.
I'm going to spend my review talking on just one thing. You heard me, one thing and that is your dialogue. It needs some serious work. This entire chapter is written in dialogue form, there is nothing wrong with that because I've seen other works like it. But in order to pull that off you need to have a really fine handle or writing dialogue. Pages of dense, dialogue-only paragraphs do not capture the rhythms of actual speech and they tend to turn off readers. Whilst I was reading this, the first thing that nagged at me was how the characters spoke.
Oh, hobbits? How interesting...anyways. What you have here is no tagging, a lot of direct questioning and answering and a lot of telling. And all of those basically adds up to bad dialogue. I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but your dialogue is flatter than a concrete pavement. It falls flat completely and there is no life in them. is not just that one piece of dialogue, the majority of your chapter was like that. But for time's sake, we will just use that one.
Firstly, let's talk about tagging. Tagging are basically sign posts and
most of the time range between two extremes. There are the simple and short—he said, she asked, I whispered, they shouted—and the longer and more complex (and sometimes self-conscious or redundant)—he remarked aloud, sarcasm dripping from every word; she inquired with intensity; I said, leaning close to his ear and speaking softly; they hollered at the top of their lungs like banshees. In many cases, if a writer finds himself explaining too much in the speech tag, he should probably consider a second look at the dialogue. Why do you need tags, because they:
-Identify a speaker
-Prevent reader confusion and/or loss of interest
-Mimic speech's natural rhythms
-Make long dialogue sections digestible
-Elevate, maintain, or break tension
-Provide opportunities to insert action or description.
Your lack of tagging therefore doesn't provide any insight into the characters and just makes the dialogue sound like the buzzing of a bee. Dialogue is really one of the best ways to gain insight onto characters and move the plot forwards, but at the same time it can drag it out. Your tagging doesn't show much of the character's emotions, just very bare minimum to show what they're like. Which really doesn't convey much.
Let's talk about how you write your dialogue:
Dialogue comes in different styles too, believe it or not. What you up there, is what a direct question and answer is. It sounds exactly as the name suggest, the dialogue basically consists of one character asking something and the other answering to that exact question. So, say a dialogue like this one.
You can probably see that the tone of that dialogue is extremely flat and the content of the dialogue itself isn't very interesting at all. You need to spice up your dialogue a bit by adding some more tension in. Or perhaps even omit some details, you don't need to tell the readers absolutely everything. It doesn't hurt for the readers to guess something.
Hope I helped in some ways.
-Flite