Several minutes later Wet comes strolling down the road at a leisurely pace with a crowd of citizens at his back. He has a stupid smile on his face. I guess he is proud of his success.
"They're hiding somewhere along here," he says. Once I find them you can shower them with all the gifts and all of the offers that you want! I am sure that they would take one of your job offers into consideration if you pay well and the work isn't too hard!"
RP and I exchange looks back and forth. Job offers? For me? I thought RP said there was an angry mob... Soon Wet pauses and looks around. He is just ten or fifteen yards past where we are hiding. I hold my breath, hardly daring to move. I am still a little wary because of the news that I heard from RP.
"Ah, there are the other two," Wet shouts gleefully. "Ho there! Come out! There is no need to be afraid! These hobbits are friendly! They mean you no harm. They we just curious! They have plenty of gifts for you, som more valuable in nature than others, and I wouldn't refuse them if I were you!"
"What's this?" RP says, standing up and keeping his hand a little to close to his sword for comfort. "Is this a trick? Ordinarily a mob of people doesn't show up at a house and demand entrance just to give gifts." The furrows of his eyebrows seem to deepen.
"Well, this must just be an exception then!" Wet exclaims. He seems far too jolly and outgoing for my taste! He is acting strangely. I half expected him to be leading the hobbits in the wrong direction to look for us, not genuinely wishing to find us.
RP and I warily come out of the bushes out onto the road. Every inch of it from where we stand at least to the crest of the ridge, perhaps farther, seems to be crowded with people, animals, carts and the like. I can't help but gawk at the crowd. I've never seen this many people in one place! Then again I haven't seen all that many people period in my lifetime. In fact I've only been alive a matter of days.
"What in the... why... how did all these people get here?" I ask.
"Most of them walked. Words spread quickly throughout Arsham. There are about a thousand people here. Not that many really, if you think about it."
"One thousand people!" I exclaim, fairly overcome with amazement. "That's just... incredible."
"Not really. There are lots of people around here. There are thousands within a few miles of here. Hybury alone has eleven hundred and we aren't even within the city limits!"
All I can say is, "Whoa, that is incredible!"
"Well if you want to please the crowd you'd better let them do what they have to do here!" Wet whispers to me.
"Oh, and what exactly is that?" I ask. He shoots me a smile that makes me feel nervous. I don't know about this. I wonder what sort of "gifts" they have for me. Perhaps one of them is kind enough to offer me a new bow!
"Just let them do there thing," Wet whispers to me before addressing the crowd. "Well people, these foreigners are ready to accepts your gifts and talk with you."
RP stands stiffly beside me, putting on the look of a grim soldier and I look around at all the people in awe. I can se many of them are holding bags, presents wrapped in cloth, and wide, beaming smiles. Most of them are hobbits thought here and there a foreigner will tower above the crowd. Most of the Hobbits are only a few feet tall as is to be expected. Some of the children look so cute! They are almost like oversized living dolls and they are constantly in a state of movement, darting too and fro playing games or climbing up tree, which they have a knack for, to get a better view of us.
"Hello," on old man says, walking up to me. "I heard that there was a bunch of foreigners in Hybury and they'd driven off a host of raider so I came up to thank you for your good work! On of my daughters and her entire family were killed by the lot of 'em! Struck down dead, all of them!" He sniffles and wipes a lone tear away as it streams down his cheek. "Well, I guess all I can say is the that I am very glad that you saved the rest of us so we don't have to suffer the fate of those already dead."
I stand there as the man clasps my hand and kisses it with a mystified expression painted on my face. "You're welcome... I suppose. I really didn't—"
"No you don't have to be modest I heard of all that you did! Thank you so much! I wish I had something to offer you, but I am afraid that I don't have much to give you, at least not anything that would be worthy of giving you!"
With a smile he lets go of my hand and walks down the road. I have little time ponder what he is happening because as soon as he is gone another man walks up to me and falls down on his knees.
"I give you my thanks for all that you have don for me, madam!" He exclaims, looking up at me. Then rising he says, "I haven't much to give you, but I do have a shawl that my daughter used to ware! She and my wife had their precious lives taken from them! It is a very sad thing. I hope that this shawl will warm your neck as much as the thought of them!"
This man too began to weep and hurried away without saying anything else. Racen's heart was touched, but she had little time to reflect on the man's trouble for the people were impatient to get to Racen and RP and they didn't waste a moment rushing up to speak with them. Racen hurriedly put her scarf on as the a short, fiery looking woman walked up to her.
"So you are a soldier, eh?" the woman says. "I like you! I am always gale to have a woman fight for herself. There are only a few women who are wiling and able to stand up to men. You must be interesting. I would long to talk to you more later, but I'm afraid not is not the best time. I would love for you to join and campaign for the feminist movement here! Good work!"
In a flash she scurries away in the direction the entire crowds was heading. I glance back. I didn't even get to say a word; the lady talked so fast. I am so confused that I am not sure that I would have been able to say anything even if I wanted too. There is no time to think about anything right now though.
The next person to approach is a mother with her little children tow. "I have just come here to thanks you for all that you have done for our country!" The lady says. "My husband was killed when he went to try and help our neighbors. The raiders set the house they just erected a couple years ago on fire! My children and I were fortunate enough to be in the basement when the raiders turned to set our house on fire!"
"I really can't accept your thanks I didn't do much of anything at all!" I reply with a shaky voice.
"Well that doesn't really matter right now! Every little bit helps, that is all that I have to say."
"I would give you a gift or something little, but without my husband to provide for us I don't have anything to spare. Most of us don't in these times, you know. It is a pity, but a sad reality at the same time. There isn't much of anything that we can do."
"I know. I hope you and your children fair better in the coming months and years," I say, flashing a smile at the little children. What else can I do? I didn't do much, if anything to help them like they think that I did, but at least I can try to give them a little hope.
"Thank you!" she exclaims, clasping my hand and trying not to cry. I suppose I should let you go now. Come along, Charlie, Anna!"
So on and on the people keep coming to talk to me and RP throughout the day. I forget most of the names, some of them before the end of the conversation, though I do remember a many of the faces. Most of the people were poor or homeless, but a few of them are wealthy merchants or paladins.
The last person, or rather party of persons, to approach me is dressed in fine clothes. He is escorted by a number of hobbits in respectable garb including a few coats of chain mail. A number of them also have swords, thought the majority carry spears. The man in the center of the party is a fat fellow with a long cape and a leather jerkin which is lined with silver ringlets. He is one of the shorter hobbits that I have met. He can gets around pretty well though.
"Hail the noble lord of this land, Arsham and its capital city of Hybury, Thain Tigerlet!" a herald walking beside one of the guards proclaims. All the hobbits around us, including Wet bows slightly as is their custom, I suppose. I follow suit, albeit somewhat reluctantly, but RP stands tall where he is without moving. I glance over at him incredulously. Is he really stupid enough to not bow? Or is it his hubris that consumes him all the time?
"All must bow before the thane!" the herald proclaims. "It is our custom! If you will not comply with it then you suffer the thane's displeasure. We are very grateful for all that you have done for us, but surely you have the courtesy to merely bow. It is a mater of respect, not humiliation!"
"It may be to you," RP began, "but not to my people! A dwarf never bows to anyone but his king! I owe my allegiance to no king right now so I bow to no one! That is the law of the dwarves. Likewise, however, I am not bound to be protected, or avenged by anyone other than those who do so willingly. I have no kin so I am alone in the world. I suggest, however, that you do not anger me. If you do, you suffer the displeasure of Báuräc, my blade that I carry."
"Then you shall face the wrath of my guards!" the thane says, standing up tall and drawing his sword out of its sheath. I give you one more chance to bow to me! I had intended to be courteous and allow you to have dinner with me, but I am afraid that you are too stubborn to do such a thing!"
"I will not do what you ask! I will bow to no man to whom I do not owe my allegiance, especially one who has drawn his sword against me! You also have no personal honor for you will not even give me the pleasure, not to mention honor, of dueling you in hand to hand combat! You are rude enough to attack me with all of your guards while all that I have is my sword!"
"Don't be silly! You don't intend to fight me and my guards! All that we ask of you is to leave here!"
"What do you mean? You don't think I have enough courage to fight you and your scoundrels? I hold you in disgust because of your terrible manners! I can't say that the military bearing is all that much better!"
"You have even less courtesy! The thane shouted. If you don't give up right away then I will attack you without hesitation!" the thane shouted. The hat on his head with a tassel hanging on the side even seems to shake along with the rest of his body, whether in fear or in anger I don't know.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" RP asks, sneering at the thane and his soldiers. "I can sense that you are a coward like I thought!"
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello r4p17!
I think you meant; fare better.I'm afraid that this review will probably be short, there is only so much praise I can pass through the chapters! RP seems to be more stubborn than I thought, but anyhow, here's my nitpick.
I could only find one typo to nitpick, I must say that that's really good. Can't wait to review the next chapter, see you soon.
~Kelpies.
Hi there! Noelle back again.
I don't usually point out grammar or little mistakes unless I see them a lot, so I figured I'd point this one out.
You forgot the new quotation mark before 'Once'. It's something small, but it's easily fixed if you read closely before you post. It's something you don't normally catch, so I'd suggest paying closer attention to it in the future.
So all these people randomly appeared. My question is why are they here and how did they come so quickly? Just a few moments ago there wasn't anyone there. This goes under the category, if you will, of transitions. You have to work on these when you go back and edit and in the future. They're very important because they basically connect the dots between events in the story. Without them, the readers are lost. And to be honest, I have been a bit confused at some points of your novel.
You slip back into third person here. It was funny though because I totally took it in stride and didn't realize the difference until the the next paragraph where there was an I xD
RP. RP, RP, RP. *shakes head* If you were just a bit less stubborn, your life would be so much better.
Overall I enjoyed this chapter. I like that you show us how thankful all the people are. I was actually going to mention how it was dragging on and getting a bit repetitive and boring, but then I really thought about it and decided I liked it. There are all these people who have different personalities and different reasons to be thankful. Hearing their stories, even for a little bit, gives us an idea of what the people here are like.
And then there's RP at the end. I can understand why he doesn't want to bow to the king, but at the same time I wanted to punch him. It's like he just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situations he goes through. I just want to slap some sense into him and make him realize that more than just his life is at stake here. He's about to get into another fight, one that he probably won't be able to win, and he's going to put Racen and Wold in trouble too.
I hope everything turns out okay! I'll just have to read on to see though
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, R4!
One thousand... What? How do one thousand hobbits fit into that tiny road place? There isn't enough description of the area to really show how many there are. There needs to be more than just the dialogue saying there is a thousand, show it. Say how crammed in they are, how the sea of hobbits stretches on for what seems like miles. Sure it's said that Racen hasn't seen that many people in her life, but let's face it, Racen has barely seen any people. That could mean like a group of twenty just saying that. We have to really be shown the thousand people gathering to greet the foreigners.
One of these days, I'd like to see Racen strangle RP. Or maybe he'll be killed here. It just seems like an unnecessary conflict he's creating *sigh* but hey, it works in moving the plot forward! I totally notice there is much more narration in this, and it's great! But there's still tons of dialogue. And one thing that kind of irks me is how specific details are shown with the beginning conversations. Maybe one or two would be okay, but it's all the same. It's very easy to show that with Racen's emotions, maybe mentioning how drab it gets hearing the same story over and over but not being able to put input before they move on and the next hobbit comes.
There's some really awesome characterization going on not his part! We get to see much more of RP's stubbornness along with finally getting some slightly more realistic dialogue, though I must say, something about it sort of falls short. There seems to be a part where it's too predictable, like it's prerecorded over being thought up on the spot. Maybe look into that more. Think about what you would say in that situation yourself and twist it into something for RP.
I really like the more emotion we're finally getting from Racen. So, since this is written in first person, we have the really be put inside Racen's head and know her personality inside and out. Her every though, emotion, motive, action is seen through her eyes and we are her eyes. This entire narration is her eyes. But not just her eyes. This is her brain. We have to feel what she feels, emotionally and physically. Take full advantage of all five senses. We need to experience all this like this is us we're talking about and really connect with Racen.
In the previous parts with all the dialogue, this wasn't happening. It seemed like we were momentarily detached from Racen as the dialogue happened and we were only her ears. The brain can't just shut off emotion and home in on one place, how come hers does then? Everything has to happen at once and you need to create that perfect balance of every thing.
Rambling done, I'm very pleased on how much better this is and I am excited for the next part! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi r4p17!
It's me, back again! I am almost all caught up, just one more chapter to go! I have to say that I found this chapter much better than some of your recent ones. I think you did a better job of having less dialogue in there, and it was interesting to see how grateful the hobbits were from having one raid avoided. It was interesting to hear the stories all these hobbits had about the raiders and what they had done to their lives, and I think it made the mission RP and Racen are going to be embarking on a whole lot more important because we know the consequences of what might happen more often if they fail. That aside, we really are beginning to see RP's stubbornness shine through, and I can't believe him! I wonder how this fight he has prompted to begin is going to go. I hope Racen manages to stop things before they get too out of hand. I think in this chapter we also get to see a bit more of the setting - not much, just some glimpses here and there. But it is the most that we've had for quite a while, and I am happy to see it there. It makes the hobbit world more developed in my opinion.
I felt that even though you had less dialogue, there was still quite a lot in there. At the beginning you did a good job of showing more movements as well, for example when Racen warily comes out from her hiding place and so on. But then at some point it begins to fade and we lose the amount of movements and thoughts that I wanted to see. I especially want to see those thoughts coming through. A lot of stories are happening but you brush over the perfect time to sink in with emotion because you're not giving Racen enough time to think about the events, just shoving someone else in her face. And although that basically is how it would be to someone in her situation right now, I am sure you would be able to put some thoughts in there somewhere. Because right now this could be an emotional moment for Racen because she is hearing all those touching stories, but we're skipping over them, not digging in deep enough for them to become effective.
What I also noticed here is that I am seeing an overuse of exclamation marks. In one case a man even used three of them before he burst into tears. Now that doesn't match up in my opinion. Maybe you have been using them to symbolise the fact that they have shouting, but in general it makes them seem merry. To show the shouting or so, use dialogue tags instead. Try and cut down on the exclamation marks used in this chapter and save them for when you have happy characters who want to show that emotion
Okay, here is my biggest issue with the chapter: in the second half it was getting listy. We hear about this person, then this person comes up and then another person - we're not getting into the stories, just hearing about them and knowing that it brings the other person to tears. In some point we stop caring. Especially as we are not hearing Racen's thoughts and the fact that Racen is not relating. What you need to do is tell us of fewer cases, and the ones you do choose to tell us about, you need to make personal. How can you do this? It's all in the description. I'll give you two examples, one is for feminism girl. Make Racen look into the woman's eyes and see a strong resolve, or twinkle and know that this lady will do all she can to be seen as equal to men. Let her take in the sword hanging around the belt on her dress, see her muscle flex and notice how the men watch her with a mixture between jealousy and awe. That way you get the impression that her story and what she believes in important. Another could be the man who lost his daughter. Tell us how before he gave the scarf over he fingered it longingly like he wanted to keep it himself, and that Racen could see that he wasn't completely present with her. That he was probably lost in his mind, thinking of the days when his wife and daughter would be standing next to him, maybe his daughter wearing the very scarf he was going to let go of. Let Racen weight the importance of the scarf and notice that it is the last momento of the people he loves that he has, but is still giving it over. That makes the story sound so much more emotional, and it will have more of an effect on the reader than her hastily just throwing it on.
Continuing on that point, to avoid the list-y-ness a good thing to do might be to only show two stories, but then kind of blur the rest. Some of these stories sounded familiar, and if you are going to take my advice and describe two or three of the stories in more detail, we really don't need to hear more than that. I would suggest moving the summary up that you use later on.
One thing I also wanted to see was how RP was taking all this attention from the hobbits he was sure meant him harm. Was he showing off, showering himself in glory and telling those who approached him that he was the one who had done all the hard work? Was he being cold and wary, worried still that the hobbits were secretly plotting against him and refusing to attach himself emotionally to these people? I wanted to see how he was reacting to these emotional stories he was probably also receiving - if he was being humble like Racen, brushing them off or speaking out himself. He is the character with the unreliable and proud personality, so I wondered how he was taking this. I am sure Racen would be curious as well and check on him too.
Time to talk about some of the technical things! Most of these were typos (hehe and this is typo alley!) but I am sure you can eradicate a lot of these if you do some proofreading before you post. So make sure you do that!
*some
This was pretty humorous, come to think of it
I have come to notice that in a lot of places where you need commas, you don't have them. This is a problem I share in my writing, but it is easier to notice it for others than to find them in your own work. What I would suggest you do is read out your chapters aloud. That way when you pause naturally in your speech, most times there is where you will also need a comma. The more you practice at it verbally, the easier it will be to know where you need a comma when you write it for the first time.
Comma needed after the first word.
*an
Comma needed after the first word, and another after the word 'modest.'
*done
*wear
No need for the word 'the' in this sentence.
I think you meant 'glad' instead of 'gale'.
No need for the 's' on the end of 'thanks'.
I think you meant 'love' instead of 'long'. And that the first time you used 'not' you really meant 'now.'
I noticed this in quite a few places in this chapter. This speech didn't have the opening speech marks attached to it.
*though. Also, no need for the word 'a' in here.
Missing those open speech marks... Also, we have the same dialogue tag repeated twice in close succession. I think one of those should be changed so we can avoid repetition and have more diversity in the novel.
Okay, that's all I have for this chapter. A lot of technical things though, so make sure you watch out for those because they can be easily avoided prior to posting! I am looking forward to catching up completely ^.^
Deanie x
Thanks for the review. The nitpicks will help me a lot!
Hello, happy review day!
This was a very interesting chapter, I haven't read the first one yet so excuse me if I correct anything that does not need correcting
Just a few nitpicks:
The furrows of his eyebrows seem to deepen I feel like this should be His furrowed eyebrows seemed to deepen-It seems to flow a little better.
You have a few typos here and there so please re-read and fix them :p
Now onto nice stuff:
Well that doesn't really matter right now! Every little bit helps, that is all that I have to say." This is hilarious. Every little bit helps just reminds me of Tesco. This stops me reading the story to sit there and think how I am laughing when I shouldn't be!
This was enjoyable,
Happy writing,
Godly
Thanks for the review!
Here is my review:
1. I tell this to all writers. Don't use the word stupid in your writing. You used it at the beginning of the story when you said that he had a stupid smile on his face.
2.One misspell that I see is in the middle of your story, "I can se many of them" Please correct that to see.
3.You capitalized Hobbits one time in the middle of the paper, you either capitalize every Hobbit word or none at all so please fix that.
4. Remember to always indent when there is a new quotation which someone is speaking. You didn't do that several times throughout your paper.
5. In this sentence, "They have plenty of gifts for you, som more valuable in nature than others, and I wouldn't refuse them if I were you!" at the beginning of your story please correct the som to some.
6. In this sentence, : "RP says, standing up and keeping his hand a little to close to his sword for comfort." The to before close needs to be too.
7. In this sentence : ". "Well people, these foreigners are ready to accepts your gifts and talk with you." You have to take off the s in accept and just leave it without the s.
8. In this sentence: "On of my daughters and her entire family were killed by the lot of 'em! Struck down dead, all of them" The first word on should be one.
9. In this sentence: "They are almost like over sized living dolls and they are constantly in a state of movement, darting too and fro playing games or climbing up tree, which they have a knack for, to get a better view of us." In too and fro it just needs to be to. Also over sized has to be two separate words.
10. Finally I want to say, watch your grammar and spelling, that was a big issue in your paper. Just one little vowel can make a whole difference.
My favorite line in this story is "Every little bit helps"
Well I hope that this review helps you.
Thanks for the review.