"Come in, come in!" the dwarf says. I enter the dark tunnel and watch nervously as Aiey closes the door. I only just met her a few days before. She seems friendly enough but I don't know.
"Why have you brought me here?" I ask when we arrive in a spacious room carved out of the ground. There is a table in the middle of the room with a map and a few other articles on it. Around it are seated several other people of various races. There is an old man, a hobbit, and a Mage. I can tell this by the distinctive band that that he is wearing around his head. It has a sapphire set in the front of it.
"We are trying to get to the bottom of the raids on Hybury, the village that we are sitting under right now. Ordinarily we don't work with Hobbits because most of the trouble that they have is minor, but today we are dealing with something far more dangerous than the Hobbits, or even you can imagine. Even we can't deal with the it, but we are going to do everything that we can. I hope it is enough.
"But come, I am being rude. This hobbit is a very wise person. He may not look if, but he he is quite wise and quite old. He is one of the most unusual among us. Then again the Author doesn't choose people who seems likely to be able to be useful to us."
"The Author?! How do you know him. We were sent by him into this world. That doesn't really matter much now though. We lost our companion, Katya. She was the one who had the instructions for us from the Author."
"What? How did that happen? I can't believe that. AnInstruction Typo has never been killed before. They have died of natural causes, but never been killed."
"She was shot with an arrow. We were spotted by a knight with several followers."
"That is unfortunate. I think that I know what your quest should have been. You were obviously meant to come here and meet us. I will let my companions explain the situation to you. Their names are Borin the wise, Wet the ancientest hobbit, and Cros the Mage."
"Greetings," Bornin, the old man says. "I am sorry to hear about the loss of a fellow Typo, but I am afraid that it is not prudent to dwell on such matters. Not only would that be hard for you to converse without bringing much sadness, but it would frankly be a waste of time. I am afraid that we have little time for recriminations. This is not the for vane speech. We have a plan to make. Our first order of business will be to inform you of the situation at present. I regret to admit that even right now we have little time to educate you about what is going on, but I will do my job to the best of my ability.
"Now, about seven months ago we were on our way south and west. We had just finished a visit to Aiey's homeland. We had no clue as to what was about to occur. We hoped to travel to the Kingdom of Gothriande. We have used it as our headquarters for a number of years. However, before we entered Gothriande we sojourned in Hybury. During this two week period we discovered that all was not well here. The villagers had no idea that trouble was brewing, but we stumbled upon a group of raiders in the area. We soon lost track of them however.
"Subsequently we continued on our journey to Gothriande. There we regrouped and formulated a plan of action. That was the last time that Aiey heard from the Author until just today when she was told about you. The Author was vague as usual, but we soon found out the we needed to head back toward the mountains and to Wet's home.
"After that we laid low for a long while. It took us a long time to get back on the trail. I regret to say that we didn't do a very good job. About three months ago the raids started. We didn't see them as being very significant, but we did try to take action to try to stop the raids. Only one person was killed in the first raid. After that the killing virtually ceased. We suspected that one of the hobbits went missing, but we can't be sure. If this is the case then the raiders did a superb job of framing it to look like an accident.
"After we tracked down the raiders again we began to monitor their activity, whenever we deduced that they were going to strike we made an attempt to prevent them. Most of our actions were and still are indirect. Within the past month there has hardly been a raid. We were easily able to thwart it.
"Now, this is when I come to the important part of our escapade. We were constantly monitoring the enemy camp, but most of the time there was little activity. We were unable to find out anything more than a few snitches of conversation. Eventually we stopped trying to get into the enemy camp. Now, about two weeks ago we observed a party of three men come into the camp. We immediately grew more alert and attempted to ascertain the purpose of their arrival, though we had no idea how fatal our discovery would be.
"A day later Aiey discovered that they had had come from the west by following their tracks. Our final discovery occurred when Wet snuck into the camp at night and discovered several folders of paper that contained invaluable information. Over the course of the next few nights we were able to copy the information and piece it together.
"Our final, conclusive decision was that the leader behind the gang is a dragon. The dragon's origin is unknown, but we found that it is currently residing on an island. We aren't sure which island it is, but we have a general idea. What threw us off for a time was that they kept referring to someone named Chaise. We eventually deduced that Chaise is the name of the dragon. That is where we stand at present.
"My opinion is that the situation bleak. But I think that is a good sign that we have three more typos to help us. One Typo that we had as a companions was killed by an orc band. The chief stabbed him with a spear and then finished him off with his axe. His name was Bruce. He was an Elf. I think that it is a common thread four teams of four Typos to be sent out. At some point along the way one of them seems to die. It is a strange thing. Then again the Author and everything around him is rather strange."
"Yes, what Borin says is true," Wet says. "I have been working tirelessly to try and figure out what those raiders are trying to do. I was successful in finding out where the men came from which eventually led to the discovery of the dragon, Chaise. I didn't know at the time who chase was. I left that to Cros."
I look over at Cros, the Mage. I got the impression at first that he was sort of old, but now upon closer examination it looks like he is in his forties. He has a hint of youth about him, despite his gray hair. Up until now he hasn't said anything. I can't help but wonder why he hasn't spoken yet.
When he is addressed he sit up in his chair laying his hands on the armrests and clears his throat. "I am perhaps the most abstract member of this group, or rather team," he begins, taking a number of pauses as he begins to speak. "I never really do much fighting, though I do know a little magic, but Mage is more of a title. You need only use it for a formal occasions unless your speech is more sophisticated. In that case I am a very poor judge of people indeed.
"Now, to the address the thing I first brought up I must say that I don't really do much fighting, but I do enjoy getting intelligence. This is a job that many people would find boring and tedious, but one that I myself enjoy a great deal. It is my pleasure to wade through history books filled with genealogies of insignificant nobles and long lists of kings and officials. I have even come across detailed accounts of what has happened at feast hundreds of years ago. Mind you, these records are only for things like coronations of the most famous kings, but they are still tedious.
"But seeing as I begin to bore you with minor details I will get to the next thing I have to say. It regards the apex of my search for who Chaise is. The way I found out about it was by looking in the Library of Dragons. It is not, as you ah expect, in Gothriande, but in Zarukthûnd. That is a hidden dwarf kingdom on the eastern sided of the mountain range you came from. I didn't really expect to find anything there, but I had a book that I wanted to read that could only be found there. I nearly forgot about it amid all the other research, but I eventually rediscovered it and began reading it. I found a mention of a dragon named Chaise. It is an unusual name for a dragon so my curiosity was aroused. It was this that led me back to the library where I asked the clerks about it. They directed me to a Dragon loremaster."
"This is the point when the story becomes interesting. So, went to this man's house but he was not home. I was directed to a shop where he lived. I expected my stop to be short, but it was anything but. At this time it is key to remember that I had no idea about the raids in Arsham so I wasn't looking to discover anything interesting aside from why the dragon had a name like that. It was very unusual, you see. As I was talking to him I was interested by what he said. Most interesting thing that I heard from him was that Chaise was and still now is the most powerful dragon on the face of the earth, at least so far as influence goes.
"After this I forgot about the incident because the dragon was reported to be on an island in the ocean. Many months past until at length we returned to Arsham under the direction of the Author. When we discovered the note we were very alarmed of course and we were trying hot thing of any gorilla leaders on the continent that we heard of that went by the name Chaise but we could think of none. I began researching the subject extensively which required a great deal of traveling to do. All this took time. We were fools. I curse my memory now.
"Finally I thought of the dragon named Chaise! I was in s small town in Gothriande then, but I sent a pigeon with a note about the matter back to my friends here. Still though, even when I returned here my friends rejected the idea that there was any connection between the two since dragons don't use humans as their servants or even their slaves. Only a Dragon Master can tame a dragon, you there were no known Masters alive at the time. The facts didn't line up. That wast the long and short of it.
"The last episode began when we finally concluded that there were only two gang leaders of any consequence within two hundred miles and neither of them lined up. We were faced with only one option. We had to accept the fact that perhaps there was a Dragon Master. In that case he or she could control a dragon and gather an army of men. This was a frightening prospect, but it is the only logical conclusion.
"That brings us to the present day. The facts are not pleasant, but as the others have said, your arrival here in the Story World is encouraging. I only wish that the facts were not nearly as bleak as they are right now. I will try to make every effort that I can to make you feel comfortable, but right now it is a time for planning so there is room for comfort. Later on you shall need to be tough and strong. We have a momentous task that has been handed down to us by the Author himself. It will take a lot of effort to carry it out, and it isn't likely that it will be accomplished in my time, or perhaps even in your time, but I just want to make sure that you are prepared for the days to come for I perceive that you do not particularly like hard work."
"What do you mean. How could you know that I don't like hard work? What are you, a seer?"
"As a matter of fact I am. Would you care for me to recite the method in which I became a magician and the type of magic that I use or not?"
"Not particularly. I don't like magic. It seems too easy to use against an enemy I think it is the lazy man's way of fighting and doing simple tasks." As soon as I stop talking I realize the folly in my statement. I might as well have deliberately stepped on a hornets nest!
"Precisely! Which is why you should learn about it." Here we go! "It is quite evident that you have no knowledge of magic at all. If you did you would know that by using magic you have to expend a good deal of energy and thus it is just as hard, if not harder to win a duel using magic than not. In fact it is probably a good deal harder. Now if you care to learn magic well then it is more than worth it. It certainly gives you an advantage over opponents who don't know how to use it. The danger in it its that it can only be used sparingly and you better know what you are doing or else you might try to do something brash and end up getting yourself killed. Another thing that you need to note is that the more experience you are with it, the easier certain magic becomes.
"There are a few basic types of magic. The first type of magic is Basic Magic. It is raw and unharnessed so ordinary humans cannot use it. The advantage to it is that you don't run out of it like wand magic which depends on the power of the wand that you at using. The major disadvantage is of course that humans can't use and and even other being who are trained to use it become exhausted pretty quickly. The second is Wand Magic. It is essentially deriving magical power through the medium of a wand. It is very easy to use. Another manifestation of it is a wizard's staff. I think that it is the best to use to start off with. It is simple enough and you don't have to memorize any spells. Thirdly there is spell magic. It is a type of magic that is pretty well organized, but you have to be very well educated to use it and you have to be gifted with a good memory. It is the one where the most mistakes are made. You are also limited in what you can do. You have to rely on your physical strength to use it you have to know how much you can do and what spells are the most effective it is an art unlike wand magic where you can just say voila and what you want to happen takes place.
"Cros, I think that is enough. We all know that you are fond of rambling, but we need to get to planning now," Aiey says.
"Of course," he says nodding in agreement.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I like. *starts reading the next chapter*
Hello r4p17!
Simply that two words were made one.I think that this chapter was pretty good. It gave some great explanations, that I know will be needed in the following chapters. There were a few unintentional typos, although they are very minor and easy to ignore. I will only point out one that caught my attention:
Other than that, a few repeated words here and there, some extra letters, but nothing too major. See you next chapter!
~Kelpies.
Heya r4p17, pretzelsing here for a review of your next chapter of this novel. I see that you have some very thorough review here but I will try to add my two cents to this.
Anyways, let's begin this, shall we?
This above is one sentence. What if we divide it like this:
" Ordinarily we don't work with Hobbits because most of the trouble that they have is minor. Today we are dealing with something far more dangerous than the Hobbits, or even you can imagine."
Question mark at the end.
Excuse me? This isn't a very sensitive thing to say. Raven is very saddened by the loss of Katya and then this frankly and bluntly tells her this? I immediately disliked this creature.
What about just "southwest"?
The first phrase that is italicized is a fragment, and not a compete sentence. Maybe connect that prepositional phrase to the next sentence?
You have some missing commas here and I suggest a semicolon to connect both of these sentences.
These two sentences basically say the same thing, so maybe substitute " basic " in the first sentence with another word?
This whole chapter is composed of dialogue, but I do think that you need to work on your storytelling. Essentially, that's what your shopping here, right? Telling a story.
All of the creatures user such sophisticated dictionary terms, like they are reading from a book instead of using their own words. I have always imagined these "creatures" to be a little bit more stupider. In the sense that their language was plain, they stuttered or had a speech impendent. After all, they do have a lower I.Q. than us humans.
Info dump. I feel like a dump truck just came along with this chapter and dumped a bunch of information into my head. I am pretty sure that's how Racen felt. I honestly don't think that the intent of these creatures was to overload Raven with info. If I was writing this I would just leave the vital most important info. The little details can be left out for another time. Wasn't the Author very vague anyways? So they can be that too.
I had no idea who was talking in this dialogue. The transition between one speaker and the other want that clear. Also work with your quotation mark. You place them at the beginning and the end of every spoken dialogue of a character. I think that you knew that but just to remind you.
I was worried about RP and Would, like where were they? Did Raven already met up with them and talk or morn the loss of Katya? I felt like they were missing. All of these new characters that you introduced boggled my mind. There was just to many unfamiliar names. I can't imagine their physical appearance or personality because I honestly don't know. Hmm, maybe died these characters out across the chapters a bit more?
Anyways, I was kind of disappointed with this chapter. I think that you could do much much better and improve it during the editing process. Hope this helps!
Sorry I think that I accidentally posted twice x.x Didn't mean to . . .
*forgive me please,sir*
Heya r4p17, pretzelsing here for a review of your next chapter of this novel. I see that you have some very thorough review here but I will try to add my two cents to this.
Anyways, let's begin this, shall we?
This above is one sentence. What if we divide it like this:
" Ordinarily we don't work with Hobbits because most of the trouble that they have is minor. Today we are dealing with something far more dangerous than the Hobbits, or even you can imagine."
Question mark at the end.
Excuse me? This isn't a very sensitive thing to say. Raven is very saddened by the loss of Katya and then this frankly and bluntly tells her this? I immediately disliked this creature.
What about just "southwest"?
The first phrase that is italicized is a fragment, and not a compete sentence. Maybe connect that prepositional phrase to the next sentence?
You have some missing commas here and I suggest a semicolon to connect both of these sentences.
These two sentences basically say the same thing, so maybe substitute " basic " in the first sentence with another word?
This whole chapter is composed of dialogue, but I do think that you need to work on your storytelling. Essentially, that's what your shopping here, right? Telling a story.
All of the creatures user such sophisticated dictionary terms, like they are reading from a book instead of using their own words. I have always imagined these "creatures" to be a little bit more stupider. In the sense that their language was plain, they stuttered or had a speech impendent. After all, they do have a lower I.Q. than us humans.
Info dump. I feel like a dump truck just came along with this chapter and dumped a bunch of information into my head. I am pretty sure that's how Racen felt. I honestly don't think that the intent of these creatures was to overload Raven with info. If I was writing this I would just leave the vital most important info. The little details can be left out for another time. Wasn't the Author very vague anyways? So they can be that too.
I had no idea who was talking in this dialogue. The transition between one speaker and the other want that clear. Also work with your quotation mark. You place them at the beginning and the end of every spoken dialogue of a character. I think that you knew that but just to remind you.
I was worried about RP and Would, like where were they? Did Raven already met up with them and talk or morn the loss of Katya? I felt like they were missing. All of these new characters that you introduced boggled my mind. There was just to many unfamiliar names. I can't imagine their physical appearance or personality because I honestly don't know. Hmm, maybe died these characters out across the chapters a bit more?
Anyways, I was kind of disappointed with this chapter. I think that you could do much much better and improve it during the editing process. Hope this helps!
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review.
Your other chapters are great and I absolutely love your writing style. I think this was just one of those chapters where it just wasn't happening and you needed to write it out before it got better. Believe me, I've had plenty of chapters like that. That's why editing is so great :3

Your chapters transitions could use some work. I've noticed it since I started reading this, but I was waiting in case it was just a few chapters that you did it. I really have to mention it now though because the beginning of this chapter bothers me. I really thought I missed something at the end of the last chapter because of the first sentence. I had no idea which dwarf you were referring to, why they were telling someone to come in, and who Aiey was. It really confused me and I actually went back to reread the ending of the previous chapter. The last thing that's mentioned though is how Racen is too sad to do anything, really. Now she's up and about, walking with a dwarf named Aiey. There are many times when you can use chapter breaks to pass time, but it really shouldn't be done every time. It makes it confusing for the readers and it takes a while to get back on the right track. I think it would've been much more effective if you had explained what Racen was doing for two days and who Aiey was before using that first sentence.
Omg, I just realized who Aiey is >< I've been staring at the name for so long and I had no idea. At least, I think I know :3
I'm a bit surprised that the dwarf isn't more upset about Katya being killed. She was an Instruction Typo, as they called her, and it seems like those typos are very important. But the dwarf just kind of brushes it off. He's surprised that she was killed and then he's just like, "Sorry for your loss". Wouldn't he be more worried for them? If he knows the author, he knows all about what he does and everything. There seems to be a missing piece there.
Speaking of, where are the others? I can't believe in a few days time, Racen hasn't met up with any of them. Are they okay? Were they injured in the fight too? I find myself hoping that they'll pop in at any second, but they don't show up.
There are a lot of new characters in this chapter. Of course there would be, Racen is at a new place where there are a lot of people. You couldn't have gotten away without introducing us to these characters. It's a bit overwhelming though. I kind of wish you had introduced them to us one at a time, or just not so many at once. She keeps throwing names around and I barely have time to figure out who they are. You add helpful tags to their names, like Cros the mage, but it doesn't really help me understand who they are.
Overall this chapter could use a lot of work. A lot of time has gone by since the fight and so many of my questions about it have gone unanswered. Like Deanie said, this is like one big info dump. It's always great to explain things to the characters as well as he readers, but you have to make sure you spread it out. It can't all be in one chapter. I enjoy dialogue a lot more than anything else, but I found myself not enjoying it here. You tried to give us all the answers at once and it didn't really work. Maybe if you found a way to shorten the stories and limit the number of people talking, it would work better. As of now, it's just piles of information.
I know you can do better than this
Onto the next chapter! I'm sure I'll have more nice things to say
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, R4~ I'm finally back and ready to review!
So, I may seem a little harsher on this and more confused than normal, since 1. I haven't read this is forever, and 2. I just got finished with Pomp's super fantastic novel. So be warned that I may come off as frustrated or harsh, but it's all meant to help you further your writing ^^
Right off the bat, I remember that Katya has just been killed and then, BOOM. Revealed they don't know where to go next. Obviously there's been a time jump, but this beginning feels really choppy. All of a sudden there's a new character, wat? And you don't bother to explain how she came about? Maybe you want to give us some context first on what she's doing here, but I will read on and think about this more.
Still towards the beginning and something else entirely confuses me. Racen goes to point out the people around the table, but then someone starts talking and it isn't specified who. So I'm sort of left going, what just happened...? Who is the mystical voice seeming to come from nowhere?
In that first bit of dialogue, this sentence particularly stood out to me. It's rather clunky and stood out to me, so I recommend some rewording. Maybe something like, "The Author usually doesn't send those who look useful." Cut out some unnecessary stuff, because now it seems like a mouthful.
In that first conversation, dialogue tags are your best friend. I do know that Racen is speaking due to the context, but who the other is, I have no idea. It can be any number of them. Please clarify! >.<
So much information is given here, whoa. And it's all stuck into the dialogue. I'm sorry to say, but it's far too much. My head is practically spinning as I try to process it all and understand. All of this is just one giant hunk of info dump and not much of it makes sense or correlation to each other. It goes from the raids, to the dragon Chaise, to a dragon master and then suddenly about magic? That didn't make very much sense to me.
Also, it seemed odd that while one person was speaking, everyone else would go completely silent. One person would ramble on and the others would do nothing to contribute? There should've been some kind of break somewhere, pointing out how Racen is feeling about this, maybe how bored she is, or notices how others are bored and tries to tune the endless drone of them out. Just try to make this easier on the eyes.
Then, just because it's dialogue doesn't mean you can stick a whole bunch of info in there and call it that. Dialogue has to have that sense of realism. I dare you to sit and read off all the dialogue out loud and make it interesting. Break it up. Have some comic relief in there. Show us some of Aiey. We don't see any of her personality in there. Anything so it's not a bunch of blocks of text >.< (At least in the end we see her sort of curtness, but that's not much.)
I'm sorry to say, but I'm not particularly fond of this chapter and I know you can do better. It sort of seems like you got lazy here and wanted to get everything out of the way. Sorry, but writing doesn't work like that and you know it. It was too dense and hard to get through. I hope the others are better. Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Yes, this chapter was probably one of the worst chapters over all. I know it needs a lot of work thanks for the review!
Hi r4p17!
Now this was an interesting chapter. I loved reading the backstory and learning all the information that we could possibly know about these raids. And now I get to know there are dragons as well in this story... that makes things all the more mixed up! I wonder what Racen, RP and Wold are going to be able to do to help the situation that these people are in and need help from. But we also get to see the inclusion of some other things we didn't know people used in this world yet. For example we learn that there are mages and magic in this world. And we already know how everything works here. On top of that we are introduced to some new characters which probably we will be seeing around a lot more in these coming chapters. Overall, it looks like the story is shaping up from here on out and we're going to be working towards a more fixed climax. I like that!
But there is one thing that was the biggest turn off for this chapter: it really was one huge infodump. We're getting information thrown at us all through the chapter with no break in it and that is fairly heavy. We straight away see everything that they have been through already, and then what the Mage found out about dragons and then how magic works. It's a bit much for the reader and you need to go easy on them. Either spread this over into three chapters or think of something else. I think when you are telling us about everything they have already been through you could do it in a flashback, or a series of flashbacks spread out over a few parts of chapters. That way we can have a more detailed revision when it comes to backstory and maybe get to see a bit more emotion from the people as they went through the horrible raids or the effort it took to stop to happening. As well as that, the Mage's explanation of how he already knew about Chaise and all that could also be one of many flashbacks.
When you explain about how magic is used, I felt it was kind of unnecessary. It was like one final thing after all those infodumps and you shouldn't want it to be like that. I am sure that if you waited a little longer we could have the Mage explaining how to use magic as he uses it himself, and that would make it all the more cool and interesting. It would give us a bit of a breather, and then as he is using it we could get breaks between the explanation. That's one idea as to how to avoid the infodumps in here, and I am sure you would be able to think of other possibilities when it comes to ways as well.
You don't know what? For sure? I felt like that sentence was unfinished and had something else would be added onto the end. I agree with Therese, tell us how she thinks Aiey is friendly. And it would be interesting because they have met days before. I wonder why Racen still doubts at this point.
There is an awful lot of dialogue in here - maybe a bit too much. I would very much like if it was broken up a bit more in there and had things in between. For example, I can't clearly picture where they all are right now. Are they sitting around a table in a bar or something that is underground? They could be for all I know! What we need here is a bit more description and care for the setting. I believe I did say something similar when it came to reviewing the previous chapter, but we still haven't gotten a thorough description of hobbit furniture or buildings or anything. We want that!
As well as that, there is a lot of dialogue and I don't think I saw many dialogue tags at all! Sometimes you had people continuing on speech in the new paragraph, and sometimes you didn't... it was all confusing to know who was speaking and who wasn't. Especially as this was a more dialogue heavy chapter. So make sure you have a reasonable amount of tags in there so we know who is saying what.
Another good idea could be to break up the dialogue some with actions. Sometimes people are saying pretty offensive things or something which would probably garner a reaction in response. When someone says something we should either be hearing Racen's thoughts in response to that, or her actions, or her expression or emotions. Anything, something, to show us how she is taking everything that is being said. Because if she feels anything like I do right now she would definitely be feeling overwhelmed at this point.
This was awkward phrasing of this sentence. It would flow smoothly if it said something like 'We can't even deal with it [classify what it is in this sentence.]
I think you meant 'it' instead of if.
You don't need the words 'be able to' in the middle of this sentence. It doesn't change the meaning if you take them out, and they were small words that made me stumble over the sentence when I read it anyway.
I thought it was strange that the Mage, hobbit and other person were all sitting in a room that is empty and by themselves. However, for the beginning of the chapter it is Aiey and Racen who is talking, and the three of them are doing what? Staring? Because if you are the only people in there and someone else comes in you are likely to look who it is. And it seems that Racen and Aiey just ignore the look they are supposedly getting (you should mention that look) and ignoring them as they talk about the people like they are not there. Either you need to mention that they turn around and go back to whatever the were doing (mention what theyw ere doing in the first place!) or you really need to include them into the conversation a lot earlier.
After such a cruel and outward statement, he just keeps on talking! What about Racen's response to hearing this? If she was as good a friend to Katya as I think she would be bursting out and shouting that she was someone worthy who shouldn't be disrespected in such a way! Remember, the grief has to last because the wound of losing someone is still fresh. I could even imagine the person retaliating with an 'I told you so' on their lips. Just remember that Racen still hurts and anything that prods at the wound is going to hurt.
I found myself curious to know how they were able to thwart the raids before they happened. What did they use to stop it? And who was willing to help out? Would those be people be willing to do it again. Also, showing us how they were able to thwart all these plans could show us how advanced these people are, as well as what materials Racen has at her disposal when it comes to beating this dragon to avenge Katya.
You need the word 'is' between situation and bleak. Also, the word companions at the end there doesn't need the 's' that is attached to it.
Don't forget to write in full sentences! This needs to be 'The most interesting thing'.
I was so confused with this sentence. What did you mean by 'hot thing of any gorilla leaders'? I think there might be something that needed changing in this sentence. It just seemed strange and like it didn't make any sense ><
No need for the last two words in this sentence. They can be cut.
I think you mean 'a' instead of 's'. Oh, and did I mention how much I like the name Gothriande as a fictional place?
This is a question, therefore it needs the question mark at the end of it! Don't forget
I feel like we should see a bit more of Racen's emotions. Because she is simply a Typo a huge amount of responsibly is now falling onto her shoulders. Is she prepared for it, and willing to take up the job? Or does she wish she can hide and cry about Katya instead? She probably never expected anything like this when she landed in this hobbit village and now everything might be moving too fast for her. So I would love to see what her emotions and thoughts are on the matter.
Also, you mention that she has been there for a few days. Has she seen RP at all in this time? And does she miss him at all or worry about him if she hasn't seen him? Does she wonder if he will fight for a cause such as the one they have invited her to join?
I don't have anything more to say, but that might be because I have said a lot
Deanie x
I think I meant to say, "to think" instead of "hot thing". I was probably typing quickly and made a mistake which autocorrect made worse.

Thanks so much for the review! It really helped! I knew I would get some pretty harsh reviews on this chapter. :L I plan on doing a lot of revision!
I hope that goes well ^^ I'll be getting to the other chapters soon.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Sorry, if this review doesn't help that much. I just can't think clearly today. 
It also wouldn't be a bad idea to split that one last paragraph into three. Like he's talking about the three levels of magic, or whatever, and you split each one into their own paragraph. It really helps if the reader has a short attention span and they want to find out what's going on next, without reading through a huge block of text. Just something to try out. ^ ^
I remember from your post that you had said that there was going to be quite a bit of chunky dialogue. I'd have to say to not quite worry about how lengthy the dialogue chunks are, (although, it's definitely a concern) but rather how interesting they are. What you have here are basically info dumps. And info dumps that aren't particularly interesting at that. I'll do my best to show you how to liven them up, but it's rather hard to explain. xD
Spoiler
I'll use as an example the last big paragraph, where he is teaching them about magic. The reason why it's so chunky and so hard to read, is because you have no examples in it. You can show Cros being animated while he's explaining about the magic, have him pick up things to use as representatives of the wands, but while still having him seem like he was rambling. Which was a good idea, by the way. To have him seem like he was rambling. Was a good representation of his character.
I also don't think you should have quite so much dialogue in here. Not so much dialogue, as in maybe you can cut out some of the information to just get the basis across and then slip in little bits at a time, later on. Right now, it's all rather overwhelming. I mean, we get the whole run down on magic in one paragraph? That just seems like a bit too much to me.
Use an example of her acting friendly, but he's still not sure about her. It will help us get a better image in our head.
Omigosh, is it just me or do I really not know what's going on... What on earth is a Mage? *goes off to look* Will get back to you on that.
How about get rid of thing and make it sound a little more sophisticated? I mean, things are smart sounding and everything, but not right here. Topic would be a better word, at least better than thing. xD
WHUT? That's all how he has to say? Put in some facial description of his displeasure or something, as this just came off wrong to me. I mean, he should at least seem a little sad about Katya's death, and not just state how unfortunate an affair it is.
This is the one thing that I hate about the rules of grammar, but they are rules, sooo... You shouldn't have two points of punctuation next to the other. It's technically grammatically incorrect, so you can just pick between the two. An exclamation mark would be best for this circumstance, I think. But it's your choice.
One little thing you should look at is your quotation marks. In spots there are some missing, in others you have them placed right in the middle of a speaker. Just something I thought I should mention.
Overall, I'm pretty darn impressed with this chapter. For one, there are hardly any typos. I mean, the name Typo Alley would normally mean that it's going to have lots of typos, but in writing we all know that you don't mean mishaps in grammar or sentence structure. xD Only a quick brush-up is really required for this chapter.
Alright, I think I've run out of things to say. ^ ^ Sorry again, if this wasn't that helpful.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the advice on how to make the dialogue more interesting. That does help me!
And just to let you know I totally did not even notice "let's discuss the thing"!
As for the double end mark things, that is just how I write. At least it is an inconsistent "error".
Finally, thanks for the review. By the way, a Mage is another work for s magician.
Ohh, okay. For a sec I thought I had missed out on the whole Mage thingy. xD Thanks, bro.

Glad it helped!
I died...I don't even... Why do I have to die? I'm so cute! I shouldn't die! Why does the smart one always have to die in the Apocalypse first?
The smart one is Wold. You are practical. Btw, you died in the last one, not this one,
I know but I decided to comment on this one
Ok, is this the Hobbit? it sounds like the Hobbit. it sounded overwhelmingly like the Hobbit. but that is okay. It sounds exactly like the Hobbit, and the Hobbit is extremely well-written. (that means 'good job'!)
oh wait. it IS the hobbit!
I actually haven't read much of it, but still, good job. I'm guessing...fanfiction? The plot isn't very recognizable, though, except for the names and the setting.
You did say dialogue chunks, and you are right, there's a lot of it, without any breaks. I'm pretty sure you're aware of this. Even though it's alright sometimes, You need to break it up. Maybe with the movements of your character, or with the other characters cutting in with their own opinions. You can't just give that much wind to a character- i'd expect they'd die from oxygen deprivation (JK).
I like the name Aiey, but I'm not quite sure how to pronounce it....Ae-ay? Ai-ey?AY? Please clarify(on my whim).
Hm, the voices sound overly...old-timey? English? It doesn't need to be that formal to sound like it fits with the time period/world. Also, KEEP the... like, you say, you are instead of 'you're' or 'are not' instead of 'aren't'. I see that a lot with fantasy stories on this site, and it DOESN'T add to anything. Not the mood, the character development, the dialect...it does nothing. Especially because it's easy to be inconsistent with it.
I'm actually excited to see how this story will turn out, because I haven't read The Hobbit all the way, and this a great replacement story for that..it's written in the same style.
happy writing!
?? The Hobbit? No! This is not the hobbit and most definately not fan fiction. If it were I would label it as such. It is a story of my own.
You can pronounce the name however you want to. That is the beauty of Fantasy. Personally I pronounce all the vowel long. Like this: %u0100%u012B%u0113.
I do realize that the dialogue was chunky. I did this intentionally, though I will go in a through in some other stuff when I edit this. I figured I wou do get comments on it and I realize I need to change it to a certain extent. I suppose the reason I threw it all at the readers was because I need to catch them, and the characters, up on what is happening in the world.
As for the name Aiey, and all the names in this story, they are all Typos based off of people's usernames on YWS! For instance Racen is RavenMoonStone and Aiey is Aley. I am RP
Finally, you bring up the manner of the character's dialogue. This was intentional. I meant for it to be that way. The reason for this is that it is all in character. By that I mean it is their personality. Racen, RP, and Wold don't speak formally.
Oh, and thanks for the review!
oh my god i'm so sorry... You mentioned hobbits. then i thought it WAS the hobbit. Plus there was a hobbit hole...
Oh, that clears it up with the character's dialogue. Thanks!
again. So. So. sorry.