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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hi, Niteowl ^-^ (Hurray for Tsunami Tyrants!) Now then c: I’ve come to review, give personal opinions and whatnot
Firsty let me say, well done! ^-^ I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE the chorus! Sensational. I thought a few small parts sounded a tinny tiny bit “formulated” and sort of cliché at times, but the overall I really enjoyed reading it, and imagining what genre of music it would shape into lol
And despite the fact that it may not rhymes here, or that it isn’t particularly consistent, I LOVED the words by themselves:
“ I love the part where you say " I miss working on puzzles for hours ,trying to make you fit with me"
All in all, lovely word-usage, very beautiful piece. Hope to read more from you c:
Keep writing!
Catnip~
Hm...I thought I changed that part after Nate commented on it. But thanks!
I really liked this. The chorus is especially well-done; it rolls of the tongue in a very pleasant and satisfying way. The way it's written also has an extremely good rhythm to it.
The overall theme of the poem is somewhat cliche, but I think you give it enough of a new spin to make it fresh. I like the title, and I like how the overall theme ties into that title. It's also interesting that this isn't really a love poem; it's more about the hope of something more being replaced by an emptiness.
Just a couple things I noticed:
- The fourth stanza (not counting the chorus) sounds very much out of place. I think the switch from four lines to five lines is part of why it sounds odd, and also the rhyming between "feeling" and "reeling" just don't sound right even though they do rhyme. I think, though, it could be made to work better by rewording the last three lines to:
- This line in the chorus just doesn't seem to... fit:
I think you should reword it to make it go more along with the astrology theme. As it is, it's somewhat jarring to go from imagining an astrologer trying to divine meager signs to someone trying to make a puzzle fit together. The two metaphors describe very different situations; one is searching for something while the other is trying to make something fit.
Thanks for reviewing and liking it! I agree with your comments. I like the puzzle line, but I see how it'd be better to have something more related to astrology. And I like your suggestion for the second verse.
Oh my gosh ! That was so amazing ! If this was actually a song it would be playing on repeat. The words are perfectly fitted and carry the message. I love the part where you say " I miss working on puzzles for hours ,trying to make you fit with me" I just find it so clever and relatable. Everybody has liked someone that doesn't like them back and this really made me think " I know how this feels , I just never had the words to describe it! " and that is a very very good thing !
Hope you write many more lyrics !
And you can always drop a comment on my profile so I can check out more of your lyrics and drop a review
I'm out before I try to sing the lyrics and I'm horrible at singing so ...
Bye !
Thanks!