Young Writers Society

Hello!

Umm.. When i read those lyrics I really liked the beggining of it, but then I thought "Wtf I'm reading". I don't know but i don't really liked it. Also The record of this song is very poor. That annoying music all the time.. I'm a lyricist too and i'm not a perfect lyricist. I also write about my life. So yeah.. But keep goin!

-Ophelia

As a person who came out of a music analysis exam yesterday extremely frustrated and demeaned I am going to murder this musically then maybe give you some literacy feedback on the lyrics.

Who wrote the music backing loop? No offence but yes offence, it's terrible.
TWO CHORDS.
There are only two chords.
Infact I am starting to doubt they are even chords. Are they just two notes?
I'm bored to death. it repeats the same thing over and over, no musical development. It sounds like elevator music but more boring.
Ok I doubt you write that so now for the part that you did.

Rhythmically there is no structure to your words. It's inconsistent.
Your pitch is all over the place. For example in the third line you sing really high, and in the fourth line is really low. This is a good example of word painting, a musical techniques, except you didn't really plan our your notes properly. I tried singing it and I was able to make it work if in the 'till they bought me down' instead of jumping straight to low notes you go back to the middle pitch and descend down within the line.
But on that note, in the words, I quite like the first stanza. Its a good and solid start.

Listening to your song, the second stanza is very poor with the melody you have chosen, the words in the second half also don't work. I think if you have a completely different feel and rhythm to this is can work quite well. I thought of a more aggressive melody and it went something like this.

They said you gotta choose. <-- short and snapping rhythm.
Take the pills or lose.<-- short and snapping rhythm.
Be sane or a hazy fool--. <-- slower and hold on to fool.

You’re just defective . <--- played same as above this stanza. This line is still funny.
add another line. <--- 5 syllables
Damned either way--


Chorus.
Who’s gonna love a crazy girl
Trying to live in a sane man’s world?
‘Cause who’s gonna love a crazy girl*
A new line to develop the chorus.

You need to make your chorus a bit longer. The melody needs to be catchy, climatic, and have a certain lift/tension compared to the chorus. Make it faster- I suggest NOT to hold on who. Sing the whole line, pause after girl, then the next line try: "trying to live, (pause) in a sane man's world--(hold world).
*I also think the repetition of the first line should be, "Who's something something a crazy girl." In which the something something is a development or alternate words.

In your second chorus I think you need what I put above but twice with extra development which makes it 8 lines.

I could really do the whole song line by line, but I have to study, so I'm going to make an overview.

Your words could be really successful, but the style of music and genre has killed it. You make it sound like boring elevator music when I think a more high paced, furious and 'crazy' feeling would make this song so much more effective. When I was reviewing earlier I was thinking it to a (sorry) more interesting melody I had attempted to fit in there. Sorry I am being a bit mean musically (and this is nothing against your voice, just the actual melody of the song) but its in general unimpressive and doesn't do the lyrics justice. I feel your lyrics could really go somewhere.
Maybe later or tomorrow if you are interested I could try notate what I imagined some of the parts to be like, but for now, I best get back to studying!

Oh also adding

But can you see the bruise
Left by storms long gone
Don’t know if you’ll still pursue

Beccalicious94 here to review your lyrics. I wanted to start off by saying I loved this! I liked the theme of the song and thought you did a great job with each successive stanza explaining your idea and making us empathize with the narrator. I liked how the first stanza starts off with the girl in her zone and the second stanza transitions into being forced to choose/ to be something she's not. With the chorus you already start to feel bad for the girl and then it just builds up--the pills and the doom, oh man. I like the introduction of a love interest to give her hope--I could definitely relate to that--isn't that how life works? Distract yourself through the pain until it is no longer a distraction, but a new reality. The second to last stanza shows that she still has doubts and you leave it open ended, I like to think she gets together with the guy in the end. Hope this was helpful. Keep up the great work, and write on!