z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Rain on Glass

by niteowl


Under the spring moon
I was dry like desert dust
But when you came through
I was soaked with just a touch

Did we move too fast?
Didn't seem so at the time
Thought our storms would pass
And we'd always feel just right


(Chorus)
We would dance like rain on soil
And fight like rain on glass
My drought is finally ending
I didn't miss the past
I didn't miss the past

I was burned by you
Like pale skin by summer sun
When you switched your mood
Rainy nights were not as fun

I was torn apart
Like muddy feet rip autumn leaves
No blossoms in your heart
Just these stormy memories


(Chorus)
We would dance like rain on soil
And fight like rain on glass
I'm parched and looking back now
I'm stuck missing the past
I'm stuck missing the past

Snowflakes melting on my hand
Remind me of how we began
The blizzard blows me to your door
I want to knock but I can't anymore
But if I was so brave
Here's what I would say:

I'm still moved by you
Like an umbrella by the wind
Tell me you'll come through
When spring drenches us again

Though we fought like rain on soil
And fought like rain on glass
I'm too dry without you
Let's bring back the past
Let's bring back the past

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Points: 438
Reviews: 3

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Thu May 15, 2014 2:20 am
IsaMoore wrote a review...



I love this song especially the metaphorical content. I love the line "We would dance like rain on soil" It gives off kind of a soft vibe into the past. Plus people will be able to relate to this considering a lot of people are going through relationship problems. I also love the ending where you tell how you still feel. I'm an artist also so I relate to true lyrics. There are a couple of spelling errors but they're lyrics so it doesn't matter, but I mean you can tell they were just a slip of the finger so I'll let you look over it. Other than that I like it and keep it up. This is nice work.




niteowl says...


Thanks! :)



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Wed May 14, 2014 6:45 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, niteowl!

I actually quite liked this. Since they're lyrics, I feel like they have a license to be a bit cheesy. ^_^

So the first verse made me blush. I shant explain why because I would blush more. I don't know if you wanted it to sound that way, but it sounded that way, if you know what I mean.

I feel like there should be a bit more development before the rainy person's mood changes. An inciting incident or something.

Typo alert!

Here'e what I would say
Also, you should put a colon. To satisfy the grammar police in me.

The biggest thing I saw throughout the whole piece was your use of the passive voice. It might fit in the song better, but it really kind of threw it off for me, making it sound a bit juvenile, if I'm honest. Here's an example:
I'm still moved by you
This is in the passive voice because you can put "by _____" at the end of it. Passive voice is generally avoided, and if it fits with the song better, by all means keep it, but I think it would sound better if you wrote it in this format: "you still move me." This is not only because it's less frowned upon, but because it puts the other person first in your sentence, and isn't a lot of love putting the other person first? It's something to think about.

Anyway, nice job on this. I hope this proves useful to you! Happy writing!




niteowl says...


About the first verse: :oops: Not intentional, but I like it lol

You're probably right about more development. I think I was trying to say there was always conflict, hence "Thought the storms would pass". That second verse could be improved, though I'm not sure how atm.

On passive voice: In this case, I like it. It fits with the tune in my head (which is totally awesome but you'll never hear due to lack of actual musical talent :P ). You're probably right about love, but in this case I feel like the speaker is singing about how it affected her.

Thanks for the review! :)



niteowl says...


About the first verse: :oops: Not intentional, but I like it lol

You're probably right about more development. I think I was trying to say there was always conflict, hence "Thought the storms would pass". That second verse could be improved, though I'm not sure how atm.

On passive voice: In this case, I like it. It fits with the tune in my head (which is totally awesome but you'll never hear due to lack of actual musical talent :P ). You're probably right about love, but in this case I feel like the speaker is singing about how it affected her.

Thanks for the review! :)



niteowl says...


About the first verse: :oops: Not intentional, but I like it lol

You're probably right about more development. I think I was trying to say there was always conflict, hence "Thought the storms would pass". That second verse could be improved, though I'm not sure how atm.

On passive voice: In this case, I like it. It fits with the tune in my head (which is totally awesome but you'll never hear due to lack of actual musical talent :P ). You're probably right about love, but in this case I feel like the speaker is singing about how it affected her.

Thanks for the review! :)



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Wed May 14, 2014 2:41 am
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null25 wrote a review...



Cheesy? No, never. Romance (at least REAL romance) is never cheesy. Everybody feels it differently, and yet they feel it the same. Some never manage to feel it at all. This song creates a feeling that many can understand, yet making one have to look so they can comprehend. The rain on soil/rain on glass being right next to each other is a little awkward, but the song seems like it's from something real and emotional and raw.




niteowl says...


Thanks! Weirdly enough, the "rain on glass" was the inspiration...I was driving home in the rain and I started thinking how that was a great metaphor for conflict and I went from there. Thanks for commenting and welcome to YWS! :)



null25 says...


You're welcome and thank you at the same time hahaha!




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