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One Way Ticket

by niteowl


Six AM, another airport ride,
He wishes she could stay by his side,
But she's got to go.
How he hates it so.

He's got a thousand postcards and souvenirs,
Reminders that she's everywhere but here
And he's all alone.
The world seems so cold
When she's gone...

She's got a one way ticket to the next big thing,
Never knowing what the next city will bring.
This old hometown used to feel like enough,
But he never counted on falling in love.

Her hotel room's got a hell of a view,
But it don't impress her like it used to,
'Cause she's all alone
The room seems so cold

She loves her job, all the running around,
But now missing him is weighing her down
And she never knows
When she's coming home,
She's always gone...

She's got a one way ticket to the next big thing,
Never knowing what the next city will bring,
And the open road used to feel like enough,
But she never counted on falling in love

And he wonders why he even sticks around
When his heart's flying off a thousand miles away
There's not much left for him in his town
So he packs his bags to join her today

They've got a one way ticket to the next big thing
Never knowing what the next city will bring,
And the open road feels like more than enough
Now that they can count on each other's love

A/N: I wrote this ages ago but I was never sure about the bridge/ending so I didn't publish it. A quick recording for your listening pleasure (not really, click at your own peril :P): http://vocaroo.com/i/s14l6CRz1IWR


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Wed Jun 01, 2016 7:15 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



I've not reviewed lyrics in a while so why not!

Specifics

1.

Reminders that she's everywhere but here
You didn't sing the that in this line and I think that was right. It's dragging the flow down when I read it.

2.
Never knowing what the next city will bring.
This eels like it needs an adjective before city. I noticed you paused there in the recording but it would flow smoother if you threw another word in like 'new city'. It needs to be a small word and something without any harsh edged to make the flow work. Maybe cold city? Or lost city?

3.
And he wonders why he even sticks around
You missed the and when singing this line and I think that was right but it left it a syllable or two too short. I think you could drop even to give yourself some more to play with and try to get some more unique imagery in here. At the moment the lines are all very simple and they flow nicely but they're not going to stand out.

4.
When his heart's flying off a thousand miles away
This is a good example of where the imagery is flat. Instead of 'flying off a thousand miles away' it could be 'flying business across the Baltic sea' -- being specific makes your lines more interesting.

5.
There's not much left for him in his town
So he packs his bags to join her today
This part feels really halting. I can understand slowing the verses to match the tone but I'm not sure it's quite working in these two lines. They just feel too light.

6. The last version of the chorus is lovely.

Overall

I like this - it's pretty! I think it could be built up a little more in places though and the imagery you've got is a little too cliche. I should probably say I don't like a lot of music because I find it's too samey but I like it when the lyrics are different or say something in a new way. When they put words together I've never heard placed side by side before. I guess, I'm saying I like them when they're more like poetry. So it might be the music industry would love this just as it is.

Hope that helps a little at least!

(And this is why the semi tone death girl should stop trying to review/ dabble in lyrics...)

~Heather




niteowl says...


Thanks for the review! I'll make the edits you suggested (I think I meant to before I posted but didn't). As for the imagery, I tend to be really vague in my lyrics and I'm not sure why...I think I have this internal battle between good imagery and rhyme/flow and the former might win in a poem but the latter usually wins in lyrics. I've never been happy with the bridge of this song, but your example just sounds...too specific to me? Idk, maybe I like being vague. I don't know.



Rydia says...


No problem and in fairness, my suggestion for the bridge wasn't great! Maybe you need a happy middle ground with just one piece of specific imagery so in the example above it would be 'And his heart's flying Business a thousand miles away' though maybe then it doesn't have enough context. I can understand what you mean about the fight between imagery and rhythm.

It probably doesn't help because it's a totally different style, but Imagine Dragons do a pretty good job of balancing imagery and rhythm: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/imagined ... ctive.html

But vague is fine too! I know a lot of popular songs are completely vague and I've never understood it myself but thousands of people love them so I expect I'm in the minority ;)



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Wed Jun 01, 2016 2:06 am
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IceWinifredd wrote a review...



Hello there!

I'm happy to have found this sitting there in the green room. Honestly, I think it's a very well written and emotional piece that makes me sympathize for those who are in long distance relationships. I can't speak from personal experience, but I like how this write somehow provided insight on the struggles that a long-distance relationship can bring: loneliness, excitement, uncertainty etc. I think you captured this very well in just a few lines of a song. Very well done, my friend. Again, it is very well written.




niteowl says...


Thank you!



IceWinifredd says...


You're welcome!




It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela