Young Writers Society

Heya, Niteowl! Casanova here to do a review.

I'm always ecstatic whenever I see lyrics posted- and this was a good set of lyrics! But I'm going to review it verse by verse, so let's get to the review!

He went down on one knee
On a beach in Hawaii
And I said yes with glee
When I saw that giant ring

Now it's heavy on my hand
When I should feel grand
And when we look at bands
I don't know if he's the man

I said yes to the dress,
yes to the venue,
yes to the perfect first dance song
Got what I wanted,
all that I dreamed of,
so why does it feel so wrong?
I said yes to everything,
but maybe I need to say no

I should want to be his wife
For the rest of my life
In happiness and strife
We would vow for all of time

I couldn't tell you why on earth I want to leave
Because the truth is he gives me near everything
I guess I wanted to believe in destiny
But I don't see us making it past the wedding

Wow. This is really good! Your rhyming is really well done, and your theme is nicely developed in this. I like the first person view in this, rather than any others, because I love getting that true connection with the character from the beginning of the song, and not later on. I love reading people reflecting on their lives and such, so I'm definitely loving these lyrics!

One thing I notice in this is that the rhyme sequence kind of changes from each part of the song - first it's AAAB, then AAAA, and the chorus is a lot different, which I admittedly didn't really expect. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have different patterns, but I got way too distracted trying to figure out what you were trying to rhyme in the chorus. I like the distinction, but I found it a little weird how different the sections are from each other.

Another thing I noticed is that besides the fourth verse-thing, the only time you used punctuation was the chorus. If you like having some commas and all that, then I would like to recommend you add in a few to your verses, to make the ideas flow better, just like they do in your chorus. I'm curious as to why you only included it in certain parts, and sorry if it seems obvious. I'm not a huge reader of songs and all that, so apologies in advance if it's just be being ignorant about patterns in song writing.

Two lines I have a little issue with are "when I should feel grand" and "I couldn't tell you why on earth I want to leave." The former I feel that this line seemed to be restricted to trying to rhyme the idea, but to me, it's kind of flat, maybe because the count of syllables is a lot fewer than the previous line, and it doesn't work that well. Even if it was like "at the time I should feel grand," since it adds in a couple of needed extra words to not make the line seem really short or kind of sudden. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense.

I'm kind of perplexed with the latter, because I can't tell if that's the right tense or not. I think it would make more sense if you change "couldn't" for "can't" as I would now for sure that you're still speaking in the present tense. With a word like couldn't, I don't automatically think that it's present tense, but with can't, I can quickly realize that the tense is being continued. I hope that made sense. If not, then it's fine if you leave your poem like this.

Overall, I really like this poem! You formatted this really well, and I just love your ideas in this. Hope this review helps!