Truly, did you forget my name
when you gulped down that poisoned fame?
You cared not that I love you so
for screaming fans all look the same.
Were we not lovers, you and I
When your first songs made flowers sigh?
You said you'd take us to the top
But only alone can men fly.
These suits, they take you for a fool.
My love, can't you see how they rule?
They'll give you all the nicest things
But drown you in your mansion's pool
I'll save you before it's too late
Sneak by the guards at half past eight
But soon I hold your lifeless form,
I could not circumvent your fate.
So now I give this eulogy
As if you never forgot me.
It is not for the star I weep,
but for the boy you used to be.
A/N: This form is called a Rubaiyat, as described on Writing Gooder http://www.writinggooder.com/2013/08/poetic-forms-two-week-special/
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREADIBLE!!!
Thanks!
Hi Nite!
I really liked this poem!
The whole story is wonderful and amazing and I love the meaning behind it and the lesson we can learn from it, and I could go on and on complimenting it. Seriously. It's amazing.
Buuut... there's a few problems with the technical things.
A Rubaiyat should have the same syllable stress (not the same number of syllables though) as iambic pantameter. So while I don't think you need ten syllables per line, you should still have the ba-DUM-ba-DUM-ba-DUM. I can tell you really tried to do this, but in a few places it was awkward. The first line, for example, I say "TRU-ly" but the way you wrote the line and with the iambic, you force me to say "tru-LY" which I am not comfortable with. You do this in a few other places too.
Here's a list if you want help finding these places:
(S=stanza, L=line)
S1L1
S2L4
S3L2
S4L1
S5L2
I'd just revise these a bit so they're not as awkward.
Also, does the second line in stanza 2 need a question mark? And the word "top" in that stanza sounds forced for some reason, which is weird. Because you're not even trying to make it rhyme. That could just be me. I also want to commend you for not having forced rhymes in this. They were all very natural.
Great job, I love the story, and the problems you have are definitely fixable.
Keep writing!
~fortis
Knight Malachi here to review for Review Day. gotta keep the blue team in the lead!!!!
This is a good poem of how you can get lost in fame. And sadly something that is susceptible to do very easily. Anyway, it is kind of sad, except that I don't have enough description of what happened. The person got famous, but how? Was it through movies? Music? Speaking? TV host?
I need more to know what happened. But good job besides that, with rhyming especially. I liked the two line rhyme and two non-rhyming lines. I haven't seen that before, but I really liked it. sometimes rhyming makes something not seem so real or serious, but having the half-and-half really helped.
So now I give this eulogy
As if you never forgot me.
It is not for the star I weep,
but for the boy you used to be.
Really good lines, and a perfect way to end this poem. I didn't see any technical errors, but they might've already been pointed out if there were any. Good job.
Keep it up!
Happy Review Day!!!!
AWESOME! I really liked this because fame can really go to someone's head and they forget who they really are. This has happened to me and it can be depressing. But keep you head up and just keep going! Your an amazing poet! I absolutely loved this poem! Hope you wrote more! Keep writing!
From,
Buddy886551
Hey! First of all great effort. When I was going through the list of poems for reviewing. I saw this piece and the title really lured me in. The description you gave about this poem seemed interesting. I like the poem though there are a few major and minor mistakes which you must go through.
I think you should modify this line a bit cause it seems a bit odd.
"for screaming fans all look the same."
Maybe it could be more of like
"Screaming fans all the same"
Anyways this is a great poem! Little more effort and it be awesome. The title is really interesting.
Regards.
Hey, I'm here to
bugreview for you again.Personally, I like to see (not a lot) but some punctuation in poems at times. There are some poems that do not need it, but I feel that you could add one or two more commas here and there.
However ultimately the amount of punctuation used depends entirely on the author and his/her writing style. What I like is not necessarily what other people like. So while I do think you could add a few more in certain places, you are the author here and that is entirely up to you. I can just make suggestions.
Thank you by the way, for the link so that I would know what style this is (I never pay attention to that kind of stuff). It made this so much easier to review. Although I do think that you should stick the link in a spoiler, to separate it from the rest of the work.
Here's the code if you don't know how: (which I'm sure that you do, but I'm giving it anyway)
[spoiler]place text here[/spoiler]The style itself suited this very well, and I absolutely love your plot/topic/content. A girl whose boy becomes famous, and she loses him to that fame, right?
I would say that it is done to many times, because it really is, but I thought that you wrote this very well. You are an excellent writer.