With this kiss fall into the waves
and watch hope float away.
Joy has left me,
and I am stuck here,
night and day
in this dream within a dream.
I stand here watching
the roaring waves,
gripping grains of sand,
golden as your hair
and days we once shared.
My fist clenched tight,
my fingers raw, yet still
they slip into a salty grave
and I weep for them
though they are as real
as this dream within a dream.
A/N: For the poetry workshop the other day, we discussed Edgar Allen Poe's "Dream Within a Dream" and put our own spin on it. Here's my take. Enjoy! :)
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hai there! AlexSushiDog here to review this poem for my ice cream gang, thing...
You seem to be an veteran on this site so there isn't much mistakes. Your punctuation use is very good and you have used a wide range of vocab! I also liked the concept of this poem and it reminded me of the film "Inception".
As Alfonso said, I liked how you managed to end each stanza/verse with the title; it really adds effect to the point of the poem
Of course, since this is a review I would probably have to find some way to say something for you to improve. (That was an odd sentence)
To be honest the only thing I could find was:
I think the "with" shouldn't be there and should be replaced with "Let"
Overall, nice poem, very professional!
And, if you want, ignore my review. This is your work not mine!
Alex out, beep.
Hey niteowl, here for a review.
Talking about never ending cycles, there is a very good horror movie called Triangle that is something like that.
This was a nice poem, and I really like the concept of dreams within dreams and never ending cycles.
Spoiler
Anyway, back to the review. I like how you ended both stanzas with this dream within a dream. The repetition makes it sound a little better when you say it, and I found it very interesting.
I think the poem might be better and look better if you divided the whole thing into two stanzas, obviously without changing the ending of each one.
There aren't really any errors, so I can't really give you any suggestions of improvement. But it was really very nice!
Good job and keep on writing.
-AlfonsoFernandez, proud member of the Apple Dumpling Gang.
This turned out nicely.
What an interesting concept! This poem reminded me of Inception. Your poem flowed well considering that you seemed to transition from a dream about a lover to a dream within a dream about dying or sadness(?). It provided an intriguing contrast between the two dreams and made the dream within a dream cooncept more vivid. I love poems where you have to read them several times for the story/mesage to become clear. Good flow, good description, no errors (that I spotted). I look forward to reading more of your work!
Thanks for the review! It's funny...if you look at the original poem, most of that imagery was already there. I don't know if it inspired the movie or anything, but it's pretty interesting. Thanks again!