So I have a few more ideas for short poems but didn't feel like cluttering up the forums with them. Each stanza is a separate poem.
let's splinter
like a wooden
travesty because your kiss
is sandpaper to me.
delete the words,
but you can't erase memory.
Someone always remembers.
love is but a whisper
Brake squeals.
Too late.
Metal crashes, smoke smothers.
Things will never be the same.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey, here to review. It would help if you posted the contest rules. You have been on this site for a while have you not?
I think the first may need some help. I'm not saying you should do this but you can always but wooden travesty together and start because on a new line Like this
Let's splinter
Like a wooden travesty
Because your kiss
Is sandpaper to me
Next short poem! This one is like a variation of a lot of other poems. I have heard stuff like a lot. If a rule is being unque cut that one.
Hi nite! Here to review your poems.
I actually don't think I've ever reviewed you, so this'll be something new!
We'll start with the first one.
I absolutely love the imagery. A+++++. But the rhythm gets thrown off around wooden/travesty. I'm all for weird rhythms, I thrive on them, but this is really odd. I mean, look at it.
Weird rhythms are only good when they make sense.
Moving on!
the second one is a little cliche sounding. There's no pretty imagery, nothing. It's pedestrian speech, and that's my least favorite kind of poetry.
Also, I would consider switching around the phrasing to something like this-
Next one!
Okay, this is really cliche. Love is but a whisper? How many times have you heard that? Really. You're falling into a realm of trying to write pretty stuff, but instead coming back with cliche images that leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Continuing~
Hm, a carcrash is an interesting topic for a poem. I don't really like the imagery/word choice here either.
Also, I know this is short poetry, but in this poem especially, I was struck by how little we don't know.
What's too late? Why won't things ever be the same?
It's very aburpt, which I like in this poem. (This is where that weird rhythm from the first poem would fit, I think) but it's getting lost in how strikingly normal it all sounds. You're stating the obvious, telling us that it's too late, that things will never be the same.
We know that. It's a carcrash! Tell us something we don't know.
Okay, so.
I think it's mostly to do with your phrasing, but these feel remarkably ordinary. There's no pretty words to dress them up, either. Now, I'm not saying that you need a bunch of pretentious metaphors to get your point across. Not at all. But using pedestrian like language gives a dull roar to your poetry that I think would turn into actual words if you cleaned it up a bit.
There's reason poets use metaphors in poetry so often, and you're not using that to your advantage in any of these. (Except maybe the first one.) You're just telling the reader things they already know. For instance, why is love a whisper? Why is it not a scream? If I was going to categorize love, it wouldn't be a whisper. It'd be a roar, a shout.
Think about that, if you ever revise this. Because you've got a good start here, they're just not developed enough to have left the nometaphors phase.
<3 Spark
Thanks for commenting! I know critiquing short poems is tough.
And "too late" was referring to how it's too late to stop the car in time. I thought that was painfully obvious but maybe not.
We must have differing philosophies, because I LOVE "pedestrian" language. You don't need fancy words to make a good metaphor. With the exception of my more science-y stuff, I pretty much use words a 10 year old could understand.
1) On the first poem: I originally had "wooden travesty" on the same line, but I thought splitting it would go better with the "splintering" idea. No one likes my line breaks though.
2) I actually had it as something closer to what you said. Can't remember why I changed it (think I was trying to cut words). And again, while I definitely prefer the common language, I think this might work better into a larger piece about cyberspace and online legacies than as a standalone poem.
3) Cliche? Really? I honestly didn't think so or I wouldn't have put it up here. It is close to "lover whispering in your ear", but I feel like people usually write of love as this earth-shaking thing. At one point, I wanted to put this in question form, but I liked leaving it as a statement. It made it ambiguous how cynical I was being. Then again, this was just an old fragment from a while back that never found a poem. Guess it can't stand alone.
4) Um...ever been in a car accident? It changes you, even the relatively minor ones. Of course, I was a dumb teenage driver and managed to total my car...yeah. Don't be like me.
Okay, now that I've basically written a novel in response...Thanks again! I do appreciate it. Now I might have to return the favor...
You're welcome! Heehee. And it's totally cool that you have a different opinion, if that's what you were going for, OWN IT! And I actually ran into the president of the ballet's car last spring and knocked out my tail light and dented his bumper, if that counts.